# unsupportive spouse?



## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

this is a recent problem i have started to run into. the more active i get, the more hateful my wife seems to be. from smaller things like throwing away foods that i have bought to make sure we have good stuff to eat. to larger things like backing out on her promise to go to the gym with me and now 'planning' family stuff on the nights i normally go to the gym and throwing a fit when i bring up the point that i already had plans for that night ... 

just last night she finally threw a fit when i told her that me and the boy (15 yr old son) were going out to ride this morning ... and responded with a 'if ya'll are going to ride bikes in the morning, then i am going out to the bar that night to play pool and drink' ... wtf? ... how do those two things even compare? ... 

10 years isn't a long time in a relationship, but i am almost at the point now that i would wrather be on my own to have the freedom to do what i want to, instead of having someone behind me trying to stab me in the back just because i have decided i want to get in shape and be healthy ... (was over 281 in jan, now i am 235 and toning up nicely)

there isn't really a point to this thread other then me complaining about how selfish some people can be...


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## McDowell_Matt (Jan 31, 2006)

just tell her that you're getting "Sexy" for her, and that MAYBE she would like to return the favor by toning up a bit....

If nothing else, you'll be single quicker with a comment like that...
and then you'll have all the free time you've been wanting.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

i tried comments like that, just got the response of 'but i like you how you are' meh ... and completly passes over the comments about her getting in shape as well


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## nachomc (Apr 26, 2006)

Sounds like you need to talk to her and find out why she is resenting your exercise before you can resolve the issue.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

i have to figure out a way to ask it, that will get a right answer ... when i have tried in the past .. the only response i get from her

'i don't like it because i don't think its fun' heh ...


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## Evil Patrick (Sep 13, 2004)

MTBR certainly isn't a group of marriage counselors.

Very few relationships can last if they have little to nothing in common.

It's wrong to expect people to change who they are.


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## Bikinfoolferlife (Feb 3, 2004)

Maybe you need to find something in the way of exercise to start her off with that she does find fun. Unless she's totally addicted to the fridge and the tv...


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## adrenalnjunky (Jul 28, 2007)

Sounds like some other core issue there my brotha. Something you're not picking up on, or that she's not letting out. I say this - a) because I know you, and you seem to me and the other guys on the Sat morning rides as a really nice likable guy b) cause I had my wife worked up in a very similar fashion a few years back over how much time I sat in front of a computer playing games. 

Gimme a shout sometime - I'll be happy to kinda explain to you the things I was completely overlooking in my relationship.


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## PaintPeelinPbody (Feb 3, 2004)

My gf doesn't like doing outdoor stuff, but she loves the gym and "indoor" exercise.

Does your wife enjoy working out and getting in shape? If that's the case, you should really try to compromise on what it is that she enjoys doing at the gym and your bike riding.

If she doesn't like working out or exercising at all...well then you have a problem.


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## Camshaft213 (Feb 16, 2008)

try to talk openly and solve the problem. if that doesnt work or if SHE doesnt try, leave her.

life is too short to be miserable.


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## cannesdo (Feb 3, 2007)

> 'if ya'll are going to ride bikes in the morning, then i am going out to the bar that night to play pool and drink' ... wtf? ... how do those two things even compare? ...


Well, that says a lot. This could be about something else entirely on her part (sounds like some passive-aggression going on there). I'd try to figure out what that is, but she needs to participate in that process -- as it stands now, that's not a healthy dynamic. Healthy people support their partner's commitment to being healthy (mind/body/spirt) and whole. She could be angry about something completely unrelated about which she isn't conscious, but if she has issues with your spending some time alone, doing what makes you happy, that's something she needs to sort out and if she can't, or won't -- personally, I'd move on.


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## mondaycurse (Nov 24, 2005)

I'm no marriage psychologist, but it sounds like she wants you to spend more time with her. Either that or she likes her men unhealthy, unhappy, and out of breath after 2 staircases.


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## architectx (Jul 24, 2007)

Like others have noted - the issue probably has very little (if anything) to do with you going riding. Especially so if you're taking your boy along. Best wishes with the situation.


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## PaMtnBkr (Feb 28, 2005)

Damn that sucks. I wonder if she sees you getting all buff and healthy and then looks at her unhealthy self and fears losing you to a healthy, buff woman w/big bresses and a fine curvy....oh wait, I was getting carried away. She is afraid of losing you and it is easier for her to try to bring you back down to her level than it is for her to get into equally good shape. I hope you can work things out. My wife gives me my 1 PM and 1 day to bike and does it w/out too much grief because she sees the value of it in reducing my stress levels. Good luck.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

adrenalnjunky said:


> Sounds like some other core issue there my brotha. Something you're not picking up on, or that she's not letting out. I say this - a) because I know you, and you seem to me and the other guys on the Sat morning rides as a really nice likable guy b) cause I had my wife worked up in a very similar fashion a few years back over how much time I sat in front of a computer playing games.
> 
> Gimme a shout sometime - I'll be happy to kinda explain to you the things I was completely overlooking in my relationship.


yeah i am sure there is something i am not picking up ... i think it is more something she isn't telling me but i can't get her to say it ... other then seeing it in her actions ...

will try to catch up with you sometime this week maybe after work wed or thursday ...


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

I have to say assuming you're an decent husband and not overlooking something obvious like ignoring your responsibilities to her, finances or the family she's basically going way out of line. Otherwise she's just pissed that you're fixing up your health and investing your time in this new sport but ignoring what you've been lax on in the past.

Perhaps she feels insecure being married to this "new" man who is suddenly more fit and attractive. Is she out of shape? When couples do not improve their physical image together that's always cause for friction.

Maybe she's questioning her own participation in this marriage and seeing you doing something new and exciting for you is prodding her doubts further. The comment comparing your biking w/son to going out and reliving the single life moments is kinda telling. Almost like she'd rather be someplace else.

Anywhoo sit her down and have a rational conversation. Avoid conflicts and arguments even if she continues to fly off the handle. If she refuses to understand and doesn't want you to pursue healthy living either cause she's jealous, annoyed or too lazy to follow that kind of tells you a lot about whether or not real love is actually happening here. Sure there may be differences but egging you back to unhealthy living is a sign of selfish behavior that not in your interest, IMHO. Marriages like that can stay together, but for how long and at what cost?

Only you can figure this one out bro.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

PaintPeelinPbody said:


> My gf doesn't like doing outdoor stuff, but she loves the gym and "indoor" exercise.
> 
> Does your wife enjoy working out and getting in shape? If that's the case, you should really try to compromise on what it is that she enjoys doing at the gym and your bike riding.
> 
> If she doesn't like working out or exercising at all...well then you have a problem.


she doesn't like to work out ... 'it is to hard and not fun' is how she worded it...


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## tlg (May 21, 2004)

Just playing Freud here. Are you neglecting your husbandly duties to be more active doing the things "you" want to do?

Is your wife REALLY out of shape? Could she be jealous of you wanting to get all fit and sexy. Woman interpretation: Leave me for someone sexier.

I'd bet this is most likely the case. It's commendable that you want to. But if she doesn't want to, you've got rough roads ahead. 

Can you negotiate the amount of time / time of day that you get each week that she's ok with?


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

cannesdo said:


> Well, that says a lot. This could be about something else entirely on her part (sounds like some passive-aggression going on there). I'd try to figure out what that is, but she needs to participate in that process -- as it stands now, that's not a healthy dynamic. Healthy people support their partner's commitment to being healthy (mind/body/spirt) and whole. She could be angry about something completely unrelated about which she isn't conscious, but if she has issues with your spending some time alone, doing what makes you happy, that's something she needs to sort out and if she can't, or won't -- personally, I'd move on.


that right there is what i think a lot of it ... but i will be damned if i can figure out what it is or get her to realize it either ...

i would move on .. but the 10 years thing ... and an attachment to the kid kinda hampers that for me ...


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## tomk96 (Nov 10, 2004)

maybe you should stop trying to make her do things she doesn't want to do and try doing things with her that she does want to do.


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## lidarman (Jan 12, 2004)

-Devil-

Calling her out in a thread is not the best approach even though you are anonymous. Perhaps you should seek a counselor. Sure you are expressing frustrations, but we are not the best people to be complaining to about their spouse.

Likely she has a point of view on this as well but your story sounds like it's all one-sided. That is not a good thing either.

Some people behave like her because they are being pushed away and being made insecure. The selfishness that you say she has, might actually be a reflection of some selfishness in you.

See a professional counselor, even if you go alone. They will help you approach the problem.


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## emtnate (Feb 9, 2008)

I must be lucky, my wife is very supportive of my outdoor activities and has been since we met. Sometimes she rides with me, sometimes we go together and take separate trails, and others I ride solo. I can ride pretty much whenever I want as well. I'm sure that it helps having days off work during the week, so we're still home together quite a bit.

Call me selfish, but when we started dating seriously, it was pretty much a deal breaker for someone to understand the dangers and time commitment of my job and to try my hobbies of skiing and mountain biking. I don't expect her to start racing any time soon and she does not yet have the skills for the harder trails, but I'm glad she enjoys both sports. 

To the OP, good luck with your situation. Too bad she doesn't recognize that value of exercise. Maybe she'd try riding as a family as well.


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## nachomc (Apr 26, 2006)

-Devil- said:


> she doesn't like to work out ... 'it is to hard and not fun' is how she worded it...


:lol: Nothing easy is worth it.


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## 417markg (Nov 20, 2007)

when i first started riding my gf was a bit resentful for the following reasons;


money i was spending on my new "hobby"
obsession with activity that didn't involve her
she was worried we would drift apart
probably other things i didn't pick up on

we worked through it by communication and the fact that she loves me and wants me to be happy. she realized how much i enjoy riding and that it wasn't just an expensive fad, plus i made an effort to participate in stuff she likes doing to make up for the lost time.

it really comes down to how much you and her want the relationship to work. if you don't think she has your best interests at heart then you should move on. otherwise you'll have to figure out a way to make it work.

as the old saying goes; if momma ain't happy, nobody's happy.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

lidarman said:


> -Devil-
> 
> Calling her out in a thread is not the best approach even though you are anonymous. Perhaps you should seek a counselor. Sure you are expressing frustrations, but we are not the best people to be complaining to about their spouse.
> 
> ...


i know this is far from the 'best' place but it allows me to think about other things and maybe see something that i have overlooked ...

as for the counselor part, it has been brought up before ... but when it comes down to it, she changes her mind and doesn't think we need to go ...

i am quite sure it is some selfishness in me, for wanting to get in shape and be active ... i am an evil person for wanting to do that =P



tomk96 said:


> maybe you should stop trying to make her do things she doesn't want to do and try doing things with her that she does want to do.


would be different if in the beginning of me starting she said she wanted to do it as well, then changed her mind after a bit ...

doing things with her that she wants to do would involve me eating stuff i dont want or need anymore .. and drinking lots of beer ...

hah, yes i am always open for lashings when i bring something like this out =)


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## sackupsports (Apr 8, 2008)

*Get her involved*

My wife was getting to the point she was tired of my trips and spending money. I had been after her to just try it but she was stand offish. The same way she was with snowboarding. Finally, I just got her a cheap entry level bike. I told her it was a way for us to spend quality time together while working out. Also, I would then have someone to all 911 when I crash. She agreed to bike a little everyday for a week. She is hooked. She even named her bike. Anyway, this approach worked for me and now I get a new bike and she wont say a word. Now I jst need to get her some DH gear.:thumbsup: 
SackUpSports


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## Rez (Nov 15, 2006)

As men we will never figure out women. No matter what Dr. Phil or any one else says. 
They are a different creature. Beautiful and crazy at the same time, how can that be? 

If I could do it again I would spent my money on booze and hookers. And probably have a lot more money in the bank. 

Remember: Prostitution is the oldest occupation going.

I wonder why.


And yes I am full of s#@t. 

Try talking and don't do any thing rash.

good luck


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## nachomc (Apr 26, 2006)

-Devil- said:


> i dont want or need anymore .. and drinking lots of beer ...


You haven't been on too many MTBR rides I take it


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

nachomc said:


> You haven't been on too many MTBR rides I take it


haha nope ... but me and beer have never gotten along .. give me some hard apple cider or some rum and i am good to go.


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## superspec (Sep 15, 2007)

PaMtnBkr said:


> Damn that sucks. I wonder if she sees you getting all buff and healthy and then looks at her unhealthy self and fears losing you to a healthy, buff woman w/big bresses and a fine curvy....oh wait, I was getting carried away. She is afraid of losing you and it is easier for her to try to bring you back down to her level than it is for her to get into equally good shape. I hope you can work things out. My wife gives me my 1 PM and 1 day to bike and does it w/out too much grief because she sees the value of it in reducing my stress levels. Good luck.


i think you hit the nail on the head. ive know numerous people that their spouse did the same thing to them.


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## tlg (May 21, 2004)

-Devil- said:


> doing things with her that she wants to do would involve me eating stuff i dont want or need anymore .. and drinking lots of beer


 This is basically the same as two addicts being married. One gets sober and the other chooses not to. VERY difficult for the sober one to be with an unsuportive enabler.

This is a serious issue that you need to have a long understanding heart to heart talk with her about. Unfortunately, as with addicts without the intervention of professional help and the addicts willingness it'll be very hard to overcome.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

superspec said:


> i think you hit the nail on the head. ive know numerous people that their spouse did the same thing to them.


that likely has a lot of truth in it .. one pattern i have noticed ... when i am unhappy she is happy ...


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

tlg said:


> This is basically the same as two addicts being married. One gets sober and the other chooses not to. VERY difficult for the sober one to be with an unsuportive enabler.
> 
> This is a serious issue that you need to have a long understanding heart to heart talk with her about. Unfortunately, as with addicts without the intervention of professional help and the addicts willingness it'll be very hard to overcome.


yes that would help. unfortunatly so far i have not found the correct words to say , hah most of what i say gets her to shut up right away and not respond with anything helpful ...


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## omega301 (Apr 20, 2008)

Divorcing your wife should be a last resort. Talk, gets some counseling but in the end if you guys can't work things out make sure you get your bike and get the hell out.


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## tlg (May 21, 2004)

-Devil- said:


> yes that would help. unfortunatly so far i have not found the correct words to say , hah most of what i say gets her to shut up right away and not respond with anything helpful ...


 I'm not one for putting kids in the middle of things. But given that your 15yro likes to ride with you (a terrific thing) perhaps it's something you can use as a persuasion. Who can argue with father son bonding?


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## jawndoe (Feb 7, 2008)

-Devil- said:


> just last night she finally threw a fit when i told her that me and the boy (15 yr old son) were going out to ride this morning ... and responded with a 'if ya'll are going to ride bikes in the morning, then i am going out to the bar that night to play pool and drink' ... wtf? ... how do those two things even compare? ...


As a bartender I feel I have a special qualification to give my opinion on the bar comment.

Dude she wants to party party party. People tend to have a youth like fallback sometime in their lives where they take up an old hobby or activity that was enjoyed (or they wish they could have) when they were younger. In this case for you it was cycling and for your wife it seems like partying was her thing.

Find a way to turn cycling into a party is my suggestion. Get her involved. Having my GF as my pit-crew, beer keeper, first aid person, and cheering section has strenghten our relationship and she was against my cycling for a while too. Bring her to the shop with you when you buy new parts, explain to her what upgrades you are thinking of doing and why. Fix her bike too while you are at it.

If that doesn't work take a week off and purposely be a dick to her. When she asks wh you are being mean tell her because you haven't been riding your bike to get out the excess energy and stress you've built up.

Should that not work either, choose the bike over the girl. Get super fit and find one a hottie who races MTB.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

jawndoe said:


> As a bartender I feel I have a special qualification to give my opinion on the bar comment.
> 
> Dude she wants to party party party. People tend to have a youth like fallback sometime in their lives where they take up an old hobby or activity that was enjoyed (or they wish they could have) when they were younger. In this case for you it was cycling and for your wife it seems like partying was her thing.
> 
> ...


trying every way i can think of to get her involved .. but bike riding just isn't interesting to her ... and you can't force someone to do something they don't want to .. i already know that all to well .. which is why i have been trying to find other avenues that may spark her interest ...

but so far about the only things she seems itnerested in .. is farm animals, mud truck racing, sitting in front of the tv all day long, and drinking till you pass out ... none of which are things that have much interest for ... tho i try to act interested for her sake...


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

tlg said:


> I'm not one for putting kids in the middle of things. But given that your 15yro likes to ride with you (a terrific thing) perhaps it's something you can use as a persuasion. Who can argue with father son bonding?


i hate to use a kid as leverage ... esp consdiering how disapointed he was that we did not go riding this morning ...

but i don't think that would make much of a difference with her ... there is something else ... either resentment of what i am doing / how i am changing ... or disappointment that she doesnt enjoy what i do, and i dont enjoy what she does ... (tho i will admit that a lot of the enjoyment of what she does, hinges on how much or little she fusses about what i enjoy doing) ... but before others say it, i have tried participating in all the things she wants to, in hopes that it would open her up to what i like ... but that was a dead end road ... that ended with her complaining later because i wanted to go do something else instead


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## adrenalnjunky (Jul 28, 2007)

F- would she actually go out if you were to go home and suggest shooting pool or having drinks, or both? I guess another question is how inclined are you to actually do those things? I'm burnt out on the bar-hopping scene, but my wife is 6 years younger than I am, and due to Louisiana's screwed up legal-age laws, means I have like 4 more years of partying than she does, so some of it I just chalk up to youth. I still make an effort to go out with her and hang with her friends enough that they don't think I'm a figment of her imagination. 

It's not that hard for me and my wife to "randomly" show up in one of the pool-hall bars that this area seems to have so many of. Except on Tuesday nights - that the night my beer-drinking team has our weekly pool-league problem. Turn it into a social situation, have a little fun and see how she responds.


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## tlg (May 21, 2004)

-Devil- said:


> and drinking till you pass out ...


 Sounds like she has some personal things to work out before you can work things out between the two of you.


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

-Devil- said:


> trying every way i can think of to get her involved .. but bike riding just isn't interesting to her ... and you can't force someone to do something they don't want to .. i already know that all to well .. which is why i have been trying to find other avenues that may spark her interest ...
> 
> but so far about the only things she seems itnerested in .. is farm animals, mud truck racing, sitting in front of the tv all day long, and drinking till you pass out ... none of which are things that have much interest for ... tho i try to act interested for her sake...


This is either the most creative troll I've seen in ages or you've already seen the writing on the wall and are trying to convince yourself.


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## lidarman (Jan 12, 2004)

-Devil- said:


> i know this is far from the 'best' place but it allows me to think about other things and maybe see something that i have overlooked ...


Curious if you are finding out anything? From what I'm reading, you think you are not part of the problem. I'd be curious to see what a counselor would tell you. If you indeed aren't causing part of the problem, then you should be calling the divorce lawyer ASAP.



-Devil- said:


> as for the counselor part, it has been brought up before ... but when it comes down to it, she changes her mind and doesn't think we need to go ...


Doesn't mean you can't go yourself. In the end, you will have to face how YOU direct your life, whether she is in it or not. A counselor can help you with that decision.



-Devil- said:


> i am quite sure it is some selfishness in me, for wanting to get in shape and be active ... i am an evil person for wanting to do that =P


blindness is always a good excuse for these things.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

adrenalnjunky said:


> F- would she actually go out if you were to go home and suggest shooting pool or having drinks, or both? I guess another question is how inclined are you to actually do those things? I'm burnt out on the bar-hopping scene, but my wife is 6 years younger than I am, and due to Louisiana's screwed up legal-age laws, means I have like 4 more years of partying than she does, so some of it I just chalk up to youth. I still make an effort to go out with her and hang with her friends enough that they don't think I'm a figment of her imagination.
> 
> It's not that hard for me and my wife to "randomly" show up in one of the pool-hall bars that this area seems to have so many of. Except on Tuesday nights - that the night my beer-drinking team has our weekly pool-league problem. Turn it into a social situation, have a little fun and see how she responds.


if i was to say 'yes' to that she would go in a heartbeat ... and i would go do them, with hopes that it would change how she acts twards other stuff in the future (but me doing that in the past so far hasn't changed her actions)... plus the geek in me just doesn't see much fun in doing it ... tho i will try.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

Deme Moore said:


> This is either the most creative troll I've seen in ages or you've already seen the writing on the wall and are trying to convince yourself.


it depends on what the writing says ... as far as being a troll ... i am many things ... and tho i may look like one .. i don't think i qualify to be one.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

lidarman said:


> Curious if you are finding out anything? From what I'm reading, you think you are not part of the problem. I'd be curious to see what a counselor would tell you. If you indeed aren't causing part of the problem, then you should be calling the divorce lawyer ASAP.
> 
> Doesn't mean you can't go yourself. In the end, you will have to face how YOU direct your life, whether she is in it or not. A counselor can help you with that decision.
> 
> blindness is always a good excuse for these things.


a few things have came to mind yes, that i will be figuring out how to do / say in the near future ...

i don't say i am not the problem, i know some if not a lot of it is my stubborness to the situation ...

to tell you the truth, i have gone ... to 2 different ones ... both of which resulted in the same basic outcome ... which is one that i may just have to go with one day ... and that is for me to just move on ...


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## tlg (May 21, 2004)

lidarman said:


> Curious if you are finding out anything? From what I'm reading, you think you are not part of the problem. I'd be curious to see what a counselor would tell you. If you indeed aren't causing part of the problem, then you should be calling the divorce lawyer ASAP.


 Being previously married to a depressed addict of which I was not the problem, this woman sounds very similar. Calling a divorce lawyer is not the first action for the husband / father of a 15yro son.


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## T_E (Jan 8, 2008)

D - Sometimes it's your first intuition that works. I had a similar situation 'couple of years ago so we parted ways and I did what I wanted to do which is riding. 

I agree with one of the guys 'lifes too short' thing, you would like to share it with someone but if you cannot learn how to co-exists you will only be miserable and it will always be in the back of your head. And it sure crosses their mind as well.

I'm not saying what I did was right - since it's always a two-way mirror and you'll learn the hard way. But sometimes it's your first intuition that works!


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## McLovin (Sep 7, 2007)

They say the most common cause of strife in a marriage is money. Here are five potential causes for your marital strife:

1. You spent a bunch of money on an activity she doesn't participate in.
2. You spent more money on your hobby than she spends on hers.
3. You spent a bunch of money that could have gone to a nice vacation.
4. You loaded up the credit card with a bike that you'll be paying for for two years.
5. You spent a bunch of money that could have gone towards _________ .


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## MichaelW (Jul 10, 2006)

Throw down that shocker when she is asleep. The ladies LOVE the shocker.
www.theshocker.com
:thumbsup:


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

McLovin said:


> They say the most common cause of strife in a marriage is money. Here are five potential causes for your marital strife:
> 
> 1. You spent a bunch of money on an activity she doesn't participate in.
> 2. You spent more money on your hobby than she spends on hers.
> ...


well taking that into thought ... but also considering these options

i pay 100% of the bills
i make sure there are groceries at the house for us to eat
i offer to take her out on a regular basis and leave the option open for her to pick where we go and what we do
i offer to buy things for her on a regular basis and leave the option open for her to decide what it / they are
when she works, she keeps 90% of her paycheck and offers a little bit of it to go twards groceries each week

i have even stopped on other hobbies that i enjoy that could take up a lot more money then MTB riding could (or i would allow to) ... such as restoring cars, and traveling to car shows and such with them.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

MichaelW said:


> Throw down that shocker when she is asleep. The ladies LOVE the shocker.
> www.theshocker.com
> :thumbsup:


hahaha, heh... suprized someone didnt mention things like this earlier in the tread ... =) lets me know for sure i am on mtbr!


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

It sounds like you're putting in your share supporting the kids and her. But since she's working, why is she being financially supported by you? She keeps 90% of her paycheck and does what exactly with it? Save for a rainy day? Blow it on farm animals? Booze? It seems the current situation has you playing the role of grown adult and she's just another one of the dependents. A marriage with only one adult in it is asking for trouble.

It's clear you have a problem with this here. In your shoes I would be hopping mad. But I am not you. You need to see a counselor who can offer a professional third party opinion. They can open your eyes to how you really feel about this and what the next move should be. It doesn't have to be a spendy professional either. Hell, most churches have some sort of guidance with this stuff.

If she's not willing to budge a single muscle to help your marriage or your children then I think you know what the final step is. I think you know this already and are in the beginning stages... denial.


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## Cary (Dec 29, 2003)

My take on it is that the problems in your marriage are far deeper than they appear to you on the surface. This is not the normal "my wife says I spend to much time riding with my friends." She has extended it into sabotaging your health (throwing away your healthy food), and manipulating you and your 15 year old.

As another suggested, she is probably depressed and/or an alcoholic. Misery loves company, and the happier you are, the more miserable she is. The best thing you can do is try to get her to go to a counselor with you. If she won't go with you, go by yourself for a while, if nothing else to learn some tools in how to handle the situation.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

Deme Moore said:


> It sounds like you're putting in your share supporting the kids and her. But since she's working, why is she being financially supported by you? She keeps 90% of her paycheck and does what exactly with it? Save for a rainy day? Blow it on farm animals? Booze? It seems the current situation has you playing the role of grown adult and she's just another one of the dependents. A marriage with only one adult in it is asking for trouble.
> 
> It's clear you have a problem with this here. In your shoes I would be hopping mad. But I am not you. You need to see a counselor who can offer a professional third party opinion. They can open your eyes to how you really feel about this and what the next move should be. It doesn't have to be a spendy professional either. Hell, most churches have some sort of guidance with this stuff.
> 
> If she's not willing to budge a single muscle to help your marriage or your children then I think you know what the final step is. I think you know this already and are in the beginning stages... denial.


well the key word in that sentance was 'when she has a job' ... she keeps one less then a year and then either gets fired or quits because she doesn't like the hours they want her to work ... but a majority of her money would go to cigarettes, snack / junk food, gas, eating out and then a little bit onto the farm animals (which belong to her mother except for one of the horses which is hers)

as for the guidance part, if she would go it may help some ... but i doubt she would ever go ... esp to a church (that is another conversation on it's own)

yeah i know, but i keep hoping there is a detour before the denial changes to something else.


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## superspec (Sep 15, 2007)

in for kewds and dont forget to PITB


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## nachomc (Apr 26, 2006)

ugh, I want to divorce your wife.


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## yetixlr8r (Apr 6, 2007)

*Best of Luck to You!*

I have an ex-wife who was unsupportive of my riding and just about everything else that I did in my life! It was hard but I did my best to hold things together for my kids. Didn't work out. All I can tell you is to be true to yourself and be a positive influeance on your family...espicailly your kids. Best of luck to you!


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

wow. lot of bad advice mixed in with the good. take everything we say on here with a grain of salt.

i cant believe people who dont know you are telling you to move on and leave. that sucks. seriously, who do they think they are?

although i usually find lidarmans comments kinda snarky (no offense lidarman, really) i think hes put up the best advice for you. twice even.

1) get outside help. not mtbr--actual professionals/counselors. if its getting serious enough for you to consider leaving, its serious enough to get help. find a way to make it happen.

2) be willing to acknowledge your own shortcomings and faults as you try to work out the issues. someone said you cant change other people. its true: they have to do that on their own. but you can change yourself.


realize this isnt about mtbing. and realize that as human beings we are all pretty much messed up, which is often why relationships have their difficulties. counseling is one positive way to deal with that.

and like i said, a lot of people will have a lot of advice on here. its probably better to get it from an outside source who has more insight and experience and training than people with random avatars and handles.


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## tao (Jan 27, 2008)

I am not trying to be obnoxious, but why did you marry this woman?


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

tao said:


> I am not trying to be obnoxious, but why did you marry this woman?


to that i would give the general response of she wasnt like this when i married her ... (but yeah i know i have changed as well) ...


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## Eirene (Feb 22, 2008)

-Devil- said:


> but yeah i know i have changed as well ...


All of us change and grow in relationships, it's just how&#8230; is it in healthy or unhealthy ways. Do we grow and change together or apart?

I am truly sorry to hear of the problems in your marriage. I can sympathize. I was married just shy of 6 years and things went to hell. After the birth of our daughter I started getting back into shape, eating right and so on. He b!tched at me, complained constantly that I was never home (I was working), was constantly accusing me of cheating, made similar comments to your wife's and with the similar actions (i.e. throwing out my healthy food -wtf!?)

In the end, we could not make it work out. Frankly, I was sick and f'in tired of listening and trying to make things work. It was only after I first walked out that he wanted to try, but that lasted a short time. In the end I found out he had been having an affair the last year or so of our marriage. 
Okkkkay, so that sucked. :madman:

When it comes to women, actions like this (as others have said) are a major red flag. Something is wrong, and in a very bad way! It's like a woman who has had long hair for years suddenly cutting it all off and changing the color. Women don't just do drastic sh!t for no reason&#8230; there is always an underlying reason. Problem is, none of us here can tell you what the problem is. Only your wife can tell you.

If all attempted forms of communication have currently failed, it's time to change the approach. I'll suggest what others have already said; it's time to find a marriage counselor. Just because you as a couple go to see one doesn't mean your marriage is on the rocks, it just means that one or both of you are missing the signals of communication.

Others on here have said leave her... only you can make that decision. I know how difficult it is to end a marriage. It sucks; it's not a portion of our lives... It IS our life and to start all over is not an easy thing.


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## mtbbill (Dec 31, 2003)

-Devil- said:


> well the key word in that sentance was 'when she has a job' ... she keeps one less then a year and then either gets fired or quits because she doesn't like the hours they want her to work ... but a majority of her money would go to cigarettes, snack / junk food, gas, eating out and then a little bit onto the farm animals (which belong to her mother except for one of the horses which is hers)
> 
> as for the guidance part, if she would go it may help some ... but i doubt she would ever go ... esp to a church (that is another conversation on it's own)
> 
> yeah i know, but i keep hoping there is a detour before the denial changes to something else.


This is not in response to this particular quoted part, but there is a lot more going on than the MTB piece. If your wife is unwilling to move into a healther lifestyle with you. Then it is highly unlikely you will not make it another 10 or even 5. Get some counseling. Sounds like your wife needs to see someone on her own before you get into the marriage counseling bit.

I have been married for 16 years and been going through some of the same crap as you from about the 10 year mark. I also have a 12 and a 9 year old. In another 10 years my wife will certainly be a mountain biker.

She might even be my current wife


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

Wife sees the riding as competition for attention. 

I'll get straight to the point - a divorce is in order.


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## essenmeinstuff (Sep 4, 2007)

nachomc said:


> ugh, I want to divorce your wife.


Yeah really eh.


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## Pooh Bear (May 25, 2006)

watch, don't interpret.

1 does she really throw away _all_ of your healthy food? (is your food healthy?)
2 does she _always_ react negatively to your hobbies?
3 does she _only_ sit in front of the tv ?

ask her what she likes to do. find out what these things have in common.
example: 1. go partying with you 2.drinking till both of you pass out 3.sit in front of the tv together 4.spending sunday morning together ----> you + her. in that case she wants to spend more time with you.

work on your problem. don't just leave her.


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## bstyle74 (May 8, 2005)

eirene and lidarman have the best advice.... very well thought out. we don't know you and your situation, and (most likely) aren't relationship experts. i used to think 'experts' and sessions were a fraud and waste of money, until i went to them and realized it helps. a lot. but based on the limited info i have and my unprofessional opinion:

As a couple you have to make important decisions together. Would you go buy a new house without agreeing on it first? Hopefully not. You want to do something to make yourself healthier, which is great. But that takes support and a change in your life which DOES affect your wife. If you want to ride 6 days a week and train for the olympics, it takes more sacrifice than just riding twice a week for 2-3 hours. Work with her. If she is unable to support you AT ALL and not willing to compromise, the you need to start thinking about divorce. What if this wasn't biking? What if you wanted to go back to school? Or change careers? Things change, but ideally you want to work things out together.


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## Yody (Jan 21, 2008)

Your wife sounds like a real piece of work,

Watches monster trucks

Drinks beer till she passes out

likes the pool hall

is overweight

eats junkfood

sits around all day

can't hold a job

is a nag to you

tries to hold you down

is happy when you're unhappy

DUDE, life is way too freakin short! Don't let children hold you down. My dad has been divorced twice once from my mom when I was 12 and again with a crazy psycho wife when I was 19 or so. I'm perfectly fine. You're kid is going to be much better off not living with a depressed alcoholic. He would probably love to live with you and get away from all the misery. 

Staying together for the sake of kids is the biggest mistake parents make IMO. Kids are much better off when their parents are happy and it sets a good precedent for them as well. You're showing him that its NOT OKAY to be unhappy and that you have to take action in your life when things aren't working out. Kids learn by example, and the example you're setting right now is not good. I'd guess you would want him to grow up and be a strong man who takes control of his life. How would you feel about it if he found himself in a relationship like you are and didn't do anything about it?

You sound very unhappy and from the description your wife does not sound like the type of person that would be a positive influence on you or your son.


BTW I'd be highly curious to hear what her family is like, I bet it's a huge clue whether or not she's ever going to change. If her family is full of trailer trash as well I'd doubt that she's really going to change


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## CactusJoe (Aug 10, 2005)

My wife and I have our differences, always have, always will. But she fully supports my fitness related activities. She makes sure that my stable is well stocked with high-end bikes and supplies, and that I ride them. When we were dating we played hoops a lot (she played in college) until I broke my ankle and destroyed most of the cartiledge. Now that we're done having kids she's getting back into riding and the bike she bought 2 years ago is getting some action again. We just booked a trip to Crested Butte for our 10th anniversary. 

Why am I telling you this? 2 reasons. First, there are really cool chicks out there, I found one of them. Second, if pedaling a bike is as close to your soul as it is mine, then it is a non-negotiable, and if the one you're with can't at least respect that, she doesn't get you and is not worth your time.

On the flip side, if biking is just something you just recently picked up because you got bored with something else, and is another in a string of hobbies that don't last, then there's little credibility there. You should weigh that in her favor, deal with it, and worry more about the whole package and not why mountain biking is causing so much consternation, because there is more there than just that. Maybe if you stick to it for several years some credibility will build over time and she will learn to respect that.


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## 317000 (Mar 2, 2007)

From the picture you've painted of her so far, it seems like you're just looking for people to validate your feelings so that you don't feel so bad when you divorce her. To be honest, I think it's a smart move. Life's too short to spend it unhappy. 

Don't worry about the 15 year old, he'll be fine.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

thanks for the rest of the responses ... i have some other ideas of what i need to do and so forth now ... will start with them soon ... and see where it leads ... 

yes if stuff doesn't work out ... then divorce is a very valid option that is in my mind... 

i know there are others out there, it is just one of those things ... of time invested etc, etc, etc ... and the fact that i will always see myself as the 'quiet little fat kid that never had a date in school' so my social skills are always lacking when it comes to the chance of finding someone else haha

on the bike riding and if it is a 'fad' for me ... it is something i did when growing up, and always missed it when i stopped (after i got a car) and i am very glad to be back doing it .. one of the few true stress releivers i have ... 

on the kid, i am attached to him, yes. but a small fact is he is not mine ... but i have raised him like he is my own since he was 3, he belongs to her. but has already told me that if we were to break up he would wrather live with me then her .. (if that says anything about the situation) ... for him, and the attachment that my parents have developed to him, and to a small extent the headache of dealing with a divorce .. are some of the main reasons that i still want to keep trying to see if something can be worked out ... 

but like others have said to me many of times ... it is more like i am raising 2 kids ... instead of having a partner to help with raising 1 ...


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## Rockfish Dave (Dec 27, 2006)

*Just wow...*

All I have to say is wow...

Does not sound good. There are no blessings greater than a good wife and no curse worse than a bad one. Support and empathey are key to any relationship, sounds like there might be a shortage in yours...

Best of Luck to You!

PS I would definitly seek non-biased advice, as it sounds like you are in the makings of a life of misery.


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

*Help for a brother in need.*

Hi Devil.
I have professional counselling experience, and I would be most happy to offer you any help I can (off list would probably be a good idea.) PM me if you are interested.

In the mean time, I have some observations.
Your wife's behaviour (based on what you describe) is very passive-aggressive. This is pretty common in someone who doesn't have a dominant or assertive personality. Passive is the ground state of someone lacking confidence or self esteem. The aggression part comes in when they feel they insecure and want you to know about it. It is more common in women than men, and I submit that it is just another way for her trying to communicate with you. It really isn't about the bike. She has probably long since given up trying to communicate with you verbally, because all that proves (to her) is that you don't listen or just don't get her.

Let me explain:
Men experience the world in a series of thoughts with emotion as a backdrop. We process things rationally and don't usually attach much emotion at all to things. Ask a man what he's feeling and you will get a very limited response, because he will struggle to label what he is feeling to any degree of accuracy.... Or he might just get annoyed at you. Men tend to ignore feelings and break the world into a series of problems to be solved, and they think through things to achieve resolution. Men process even strong emotion by thinking about them rather than exploring the feelings themselves. Finally, men can generally only follow one train of thought at a time.
Women experience the world and process information with emotion first and thought second. Ask a woman how she is feeling, and you will get much more information... (and probably a dose of gratitude.) More importantly, women associate very closely with their emotions. Criticize the emotion equals criticize her. Women like to explore their feelings and talk through issues to find resolution. Women can also deal with multiple trains of thought simultaneously and find it much easier to multi-task.

Communication. It's the key to every successful relationship, and to be fair, we generally try pretty hard to communicate when we go into a relationship, but we do it wrong, because men and women communicate differently.
Example time.
Men: You get home and your wife is in a bad mood. You wonder if she's angry with you, but it turns out someone upset her during the day, so you ask about it. Correct so far. She explains what happened, and you listen closely, then you offer opinions about how she might handle the situation next time. Incorrect. Very incorrect. In her perception you just proved you weren't really listening. Why? She didn't want advice. She wanted you to listen and understand how she was feeling. She wanted you to empathize, not problem solve. Net result: She feels let down that you weren't interested in listening and understanding her, and you wonder what the hell just happened.
Women: Your husband is quiet and preoccupied. He may even appear upset about something. You ask him what is wrong. He says nothing is wrong. You don't think he's being honest with you and wonder what he is feeling, possibly fearing he is upset at you for some reason so you press the point. Are you upset? What is wrong? Tell me. Are you angry with me? By this point he is getting annoyed, because you are asking him questions that he doesn't really understand, or about feelings he has no desire to explore, and you've broken his train of thought. The fact is he probably wasn't upset at all. He had just closed down all unneeded processes while he nutted out a problem. Men do this all the time. And even if he was upset, he would only be able to come up with three emotions for you anyway: Angry, frustrated, and tired (which isn't really an emotion at all, but it is the most common stock answer.) Mostly what he needed was to be given time to think about things. He certainly didn't want you trying to extract them from him. Net result: Your relationship just died a little.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I hoped to give you and others reading just a little bit of insight into how we miscommunicate.
The other things you describe, such as the drinking and sitting in front of TV are pure escapism and the hallmarks of someone who is deeply unhappy. However, you are in a great position to effect change in your relationship. I always prefer to work with the men first as men's thought based processes make change simply a rational decision, rather than an emotional one. As you change your behaviour to better meet your wife's emotional needs, her emotional responses to you change for the better. Change the emotion, change the woman. Then when she has some momentum, it becomes easier for her to see change as a positive thing. At the moment, suggesting any change will have negative effect. Suggest the gym, and she will hear "You're fat and ugly" (since that is how she's already feeling) and she'll just get drunk to escape the hurt.

Sorry this was so long. There is so much to explain. If anyone has any questions then let rip, or if you think I'm just talking bollocks then tell me that too. I'll tell you why you are wrong. ha ha.

b.


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## bear (Feb 3, 2004)

bshallard has some incisive and relevant points I think. Speaking from the point of view of someone who just celebrated the 11th year of marriage and 13th year with the gal, I can almost point to incidents in our relationship that are point-examples of what he talks about. It's taken a lot of time, patience, commitment, and eventual understanding to keep those issues from becoming problems.

The only thing i'd add is that once we figured out that my need to solve problems did not often coincide with her desire for help in problem solving, we had to work out a way for her to tell me explicitly that she was IN FACT asking for problem solving help because the only safe baseline was, as stated, that she was looking for commiseration and understanding and NOT problem solving.


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## antonio (Jan 18, 2005)

Very insightful, Bshallard.


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## PaintPeelinPbody (Feb 3, 2004)

bshallard said:


> Men: You get home and your wife is in a bad mood. You wonder if she's angry with you, but it turns out someone upset her during the day, so you ask about it. Correct so far. She explains what happened, and you listen closely, then you offer opinions about how she might handle the situation next time. Incorrect. Very incorrect. In her perception you just proved you weren't really listening. Why? She didn't want advice. She wanted you to listen and understand how she was feeling. She wanted you to empathize, not problem solve. Net result: She feels let down that you weren't interested in listening and understanding her, and you wonder what the hell just happened.


Ahhhh now that finally makes sense! I always wondered why she would get so frustrated at my attempts to help!



bshallard said:


> The other things you describe, such as the drinking and sitting in front of TV are pure escapism and the hallmarks of someone who is deeply unhappy. However, you are in a great position to effect change in your relationship. I always prefer to work with the men first as men's thought based processes make change simply a rational decision, rather than an emotional one. As you change your behaviour to better meet your wife's emotional needs, her emotional responses to you change for the better. Change the emotion, change the woman. Then when she has some momentum, it becomes easier for her to see change as a positive thing. At the moment, suggesting any change will have negative effect. Suggest the gym, and she will hear "You're fat and ugly" (since that is how she's already feeling) and she'll just get drunk to escape the hurt.
> 
> b.


So your saying you need to get the snowball rolling, but only she can pack the "starter"? So you wait around till she says "maybe I should join the gym", and reply with "i'll join with you?"


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

bshallard said:


> Hi Devil.
> I have professional counselling experience, and I would be most happy to offer you any help I can (off list would probably be a good idea.) PM me if you are interested.
> 
> In the mean time, I have some observations.
> ...


TL;DR!

I am not a professional counselor. However allow me to offer the following:

1. Anyone who watches mud truck racin' is not capable of all the thinking Mr. Counselor is describing.

2. Anyone who has to put the effort into their SO that counselor is suggesting is in fact shacked up with a life sapping Grade A BALLBUSTER. Run!

Seriously. Been around the block so many times I got dizzy and puked. I am in an exceedingly satisfying long term relationship. We never have to think about it, it just happens. Mostly because both of us waited to find somebody that just works instead of trying to dress up a pig and call it something else.

Sure we have our moments when we want to kill one another. It passes like a spring rain and we're back to hitting the trails. Notice I said that: All this opposites attract business is a pure crock. If you're not compatible move on. I have friends who spend their lives trying to make their relationships work... waste of time. Impatience is an underrated virtue!

OP has admitted fat kid insecurity, shacked up with someone who messed up her life, mostly because he feels sorry for her and thinks he can help her overcome issues he hasn't yet. He is way too loving and naive to be feeding this pit bull of a woman.

The kid's not yours. The courts will remind you of that. You have no obligation to ruin your life so that you can save another. Especially when some idiot can just come along anytime and undo all your hard work.

Trust me they can and will. And then what are you left with? More wasted years and regrets.


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

bshallard said:


> Hi Devil.
> I have professional counselling experience, and I would be most happy to offer you any help I can (off list would probably be a good idea.) PM me if you are interested.
> 
> In the mean time, I have some observations.
> ...


Bollocks. I'd fire you quick if you attempted to treat me with a bunch of generalizations about average people.

What's wrong with admitting a mistake in compatibility, *and moving on*, before you're dead?


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

good points.


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## CEB (Mar 17, 2005)

Life is way to short, don't treat this as a passing phase. Go nose to nose with the problem and some profession help to assist. Mediate this NOW, or you'll be living with regrets in the future. As for the youngsters, they need to see for themselves that it is O.K. to want and strive for a happy life. The message is you don't have to live in a miserable relationship. That was NOT one of the vows I took when I got married 24 years ago. To this day, we grow closer and love each other even more due to the accumulated mutual RESPECT we have for one another's desire to have a happy life. This is not to be taken lightly, this is YOUR life! Most everything in life can be fixed, but you have to have the skill, patience and commitment to make it happen. If your life partner is not on the same page, don't just turn the page......CHANGE BOOKS!!!!


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

Ha ha, I would have been disappointed if I didn't get some flak over generalizing. Fair call in a way, but if I'd written enough to cover all bases, no-one would have read it. Some of it wasn't terribly well written either, but in my defense, it was very late at night and I was tired.
No, you don't counsel someone by talking generalizations at them. Mostly, counseling consists of listening carefully and then asking the right questions. 
Last night's post was what I might describe as an invitation to talk more, and judging by some of the responses, I struck a cord with some people, so it was worth sticking my neck out, despite the axe wielders.

There are some useful concepts that could be explored if anyone is interested. They are really helpful in understanding first yourself and then others.

Perception vs. reality
Action vs. reaction
Thought vs. emotion.

If anyone is interested I'm happy to talk. Maybe we could shift it to the social/political forum. If not, then we can move on to more bike related topics.

b.


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## LyNx (Oct 26, 2004)

I've seen and experienced what he's describe and the answer is - ABSOLUTE LAZY MOFO, who doesn't give a **** about how they look, hooked a spouse and then went downhill from there :skep: I dare the OP to post a pic of said spouse  bet she'd north of 175% her ideal body weight. Don't know how people this opposite get together in the first place :skep: 



McDowell_Matt said:


> just tell her that you're getting "Sexy" for her, and that MAYBE she would like to return the favor by toning up a bit....
> 
> If nothing else, you'll be single quicker with a comment like that...
> and then you'll have all the free time you've been wanting.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

very interesting thread, and nice comments by a few, esp bshallard, eirene and lidarman.

One real huge prob though, comes through loud and clear from the OP's comments.

He doesn't like his wife very much at all any more, he doesn't respect her, and he is pretty close to giving up on her.

These are not inherently bad things, *but* they are not compatible with a successful marriage.

I have been there in a marriage before. It is a bad place to be. If this mindset can't be reset, then there is not a lot of hope for the relationship.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

Impy said:


> One real huge prob though, comes through loud and clear from the OP's comments.
> 
> He doesn't like his wife very much at all any more, he doesn't respect her, and he is pretty close to giving up on her.


thats why i made the post .. to give me time to collect my thoughts and look for other avenues that i may not have thought of ... which it did help ...


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## CoalHillsMcKracken (May 2, 2008)

Document her behavior, get the kids and get out of Dodge! If you don't do it in exactly that order the courts will destroy your life forever as a father. Sounds like you are headed in that direction. File for custody first. Trust me, I live in hell just trying to be a Dad after my divorce and I'm a good father. I wish someone would have prepared me for what was ahead.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

-Devil- said:


> thats why i made the post .. to give me time to collect my thoughts and look for other avenues that i may not have thought of ... which it did help ...


My question to you is, can you get the respect/love back? Or is it too late? No counseling in the world will help if you know in your heart of hearts that its over, or that you really and truly think your spouse is a lazy/bad/stupid person. And every day that goes by that she knows you don't respect her, that you grit your teeth when she gets on your case, etc, is one more nail you have to dig out of the impending coffin.


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

Impy said:


> My question to you is, can you get the respect/love back? Or is it too late? No counseling in the world will help if you know in your heart of hearts that its over, or that you really and truly think your spouse is a lazy/bad/stupid person. And every day that goes by that she knows you don't respect her, that you grit your teeth when she gets on your case, etc, is one more nail you have to dig out of the impending coffin.


hey i honestly mean no disrespect, but i think youre out of line here. maybe let the guy go and seek counseling and try to work out his marriage with some outside help before throwing in the towel.

i apologize if you actually know the guy, since i am guessing you dont, just like most of us here dont. and giving him marital advice based on some mtbr postings--particularly advice to break it off, seems a bit irresponsible.

i know a lot of other people are telling him to cut and run too. sorry to single you out, impy; its probably because youre a moderator. er, i hope im not breaking any rules. and really, i didnt mean any of this with any disrespect. i just think he and his wife should go get help before moving to end things.


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

*Try this one on for size.*

I have another idea to throw into the pot for discussion, since so many posters have suggested cutting and running.

I submit that your level of satisfaction in any relationship is entirely dependent on how that person makes you feel about yourself. When your significant other makes you feel good about yourself, you feel good about them, and are more inclined to return the favor. If they make you feel bad about yourself, for whatever reason, you get hurt, and feel negatively towards them. Too much of this and you find yourself going on the attack, trying to make them feel the way you do. And this is where it begins....

I believe that no matter how far gone your relationship is, it can be fixed if you are willing and able to overcome your own hurts, and start making each other feel good about themselves again. Willing is one thing of course, able can be another thing entirely. Sometimes you can't get past your own hurts. This is when working with a counselor to master your own thoughts and emotions really helps. When you master your own mind, you become master of your relationships too.

I just got my wife to read this and she said it's fine, but that I should point out that love notwithstanding, all relationships take work. They don't just happen. I agree, but I don't find it takes me a lot of work. I found once I had the tools for the job it became really easy.

And please please please, don't encourage someone to leave his wife based on your opinion of her from the tiny bit of information you have.


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## jkkfam89 (Jan 2, 2007)

-Devil- said:


> this is a recent problem i have started to run into. the more active i get, the more hateful my wife seems to be. from smaller things like throwing away foods that i have bought to make sure we have good stuff to eat. to larger things like backing out on her promise to go to the gym with me and now 'planning' family stuff on the nights i normally go to the gym and throwing a fit when i bring up the point that i already had plans for that night ...
> 
> just last night she finally threw a fit when i told her that me and the boy (15 yr old son) were going out to ride this morning ... and responded with a 'if ya'll are going to ride bikes in the morning, then i am going out to the bar that night to play pool and drink' ... wtf? ... how do those two things even compare? ...
> 
> ...


I know this situation, and you have to involve her. When I go biking on the trails, I bring lunches and the family. They play at the playground and she enjoys the park. There is also something there making her feel this way. I always said it was her fault, it was her gender. LOL. But there has to be a reason for her to feel that way. Have you cheated on her or did something to make her uncomfortable? When you go riding do you come back and fiddle with your bike or give her time? Involve her as much as possable. Maybe she will eventually start riding with you, or maybe you dont want her to. I hope it goes well.


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## ZoSoSwiM (Dec 2, 2005)

Good luck OP. I wish you the best.


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## Cary (Dec 29, 2003)

snowdenn said:


> hey i honestly mean no disrespect, but i think youre out of line here. maybe let the guy go and seek counseling and try to work out his marriage with some outside help before throwing in the towel.
> 
> i apologize if you actually know the guy, since i am guessing you dont, just like most of us here dont. and giving him marital advice based on some mtbr postings--particularly advice to break it off, seems a bit irresponsible.
> 
> i know a lot of other people are telling him to cut and run too. sorry to single you out, impy; its probably because youre a moderator. er, i hope im not breaking any rules. and really, i didnt mean any of this with any disrespect. i just think he and his wife should go get help before moving to end things.


The guy expressed a problem, Impy gave an opinion. Whether she is a moderator or not, has nothing to do with her opinion. Because a person acts as a moderator, does not in some way hold them to higher standard when expressing their opinion, only to make sure they and other abide by the rules of the board.

You also jumped to a conclusion in saying that Impy advised him "to break it off." She asked him a question, then expressed an opinion that frankly applied generically to anyone, not even to the specific poster.


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

one key point that I think has mostly been missed is that in order to* fix *a faulty relationship, both parties have to willing. This means to stop finger pointing and blaming, and realize that your own poo stinks as bad as anyone else's. Its hard work, really hard work, and the results are not instantaneous. But, having done it and now have a marriage I could have only dreamed of years ago it is possible. But it takes *two* people that are willing to do the work to fix what is broken.


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

bshallard said:


> And please please please, don't encourage someone to leave his wife ...


I'd expect nothing less from you and your ilk. If he stays married, he stays a customer.


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

Mrwhlr said:


> I'd expect nothing less from you and your ilk. If he stays married, he stays a customer.


of course. i forgot about the money. cause no counselor could actually be interested in preserving a marriage for more noble reasons than the fees. those sneaky devils.


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

easy there, not trying to provoke you, but i think youre mistaken.



> The guy expressed a problem, Impy gave an opinion.


this is true.



> Whether she is a moderator or not, has nothing to do with her opinion. Because a person acts as a moderator, does not in some way hold them to higher standard when expressing their opinion, only to make sure they and other abide by the rules of the board.


my mistake. perhaps it was just idealism on my part. and unwarranted at that.



> You also jumped to a conclusion in saying that Impy advised him "to break it off." She asked him a question, then expressed an opinion that frankly applied generically to anyone, not even to the specific poster.


youre right, i did jump to a conclusion. i assumed, like you said, that she was giving advice to the op because she kept using the word "you", which i understood to mean the op. especially since her post quotes him and is inserted as a response to his post, which was a response to hers. to me it did look like she was talking to him.

so yeah, i missed the part where "you" changed from meaning the op to meaning "generically...anyone".

and frankly, i dont think thats what is says.

i also made the assumption that she was saying he should know when to get out. if youre trying to say this is different from actually telling the op to get out, youre right, it is. but the suggestion of leaving is there. and if i jumped the gun in making that connection, sorry. to me it seems like a small leap from saying: "if you know its time to leave, you should do so" to "you should do so". not the same thing, but closely enough related that one might object to the former if one finds the latter advice objectionable. that was my intent.

disagree if you want about my opinions on devils situation. but have enough objectivity to read the posts correctly.

i dislike pissing matches, particularly online where it has little value. i am not trying to get into one with you. in fact, i am sure youre a reasonable guy. but could it be that in your zeal to defend impy, youre too quick to discredit what ive said? i think so. good that youre defending your friend. bad that youre so hasty in trying to refute what ive said.


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## BlueMountain (Nov 8, 2006)

Is your wife in saleable condition and shape?


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

snowdenn said:


> youre right, i did jump to a conclusion. i assumed, like you said, that she was giving advice to the op because she kept using the word "you", which i understood to mean the op.
> i also made the assumption that she was saying he should know when to get out.


I was speaking to devil. I'm not advocating anything, rather, I was asking him to think honestly about how capable HE is in forgiving his wife, and respecting HER. "She is interested in nothing except drinking, watching tv and can't hold a job" really doesn't sound like words of love and respect, at least not in my world. Where is the "She is a beautiful person, the love of my life, I am so worried about her, how can I make this work, we are a great pair together..."

If there is no respect or love there, then it is a losing battle.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience. If both parties aren't 100% into salvaging the marriage and working on the problems, its not going to work, no matter how much money you throw at the therapist. Call me out of line if you want, I'm just calling it as I see it.


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## Jorgemonkey (Mar 10, 2004)

snowdenn said:


> and giving him marital advice based on some mtbr postings-


Isn't that the point of this thread?


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## jalopy jockey (Jun 7, 2007)

My wife is not in support of my planned ride tomorrow. 50 miles 3 trails with the guys. 

No sitter, so she can't go. so were gonna trade pulling the kids around teh paved loop while the other hits the trails.

Oh and a few years ago she was that bump on a log who didn't understand my desire to exercise. She just raced her 1st race a few days ago.

Perhaps you both need a counselor perhaps only she does.


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

jorgemonkey said:


> Isn't that the point of this thread?


seems so. i mean, i wasnt at the committee meeting that decided we should give marriage advice, so it wasnt really my idea. whoops, there wasnt a meeting for that was there? it just sorta started happening after the first post. doesnt make it right. doesnt make it a justified purpose of the thread. thats sortve my point: its irresponsible for the op to make a decision like leaving his marriage after being influenced by comments on mtbr. and its irresponsible for mtbr members to give that advice, particularly when they dont know the guy or the situation first hand.

look, just because you see your community involved in an activity doesnt mean its a good idea to jump in and join. thats called mob mentality. you wouldnt join a crowd if they were beating somebody to death, just cause your friends were part of the crowd. even if there were no legal consequences you could easily see that what they were doing was wrong.

its obviously not physical violence, but my point was that its wrong for people to tell this guy to leave his marriage. you might disagree with me there, and you might decide to post irresponsible advice anyway; i guess thats just a difference of opinion. but you dont just jump in and do it just cause its being done; thats mob mentality.

from the op:



> there isn't really a point to this thread other then me complaining about how selfish some people can be...


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

snowdenn said:


> seems so. i mean, ......bllllaaaa blllaaaabla bla...........you might decide to post irresponsible advice anyway; i guess thats just a difference of opinion. but you dont just jump in and do it just cause its being done; thats mob mentality.


Unravel yourself, please.

When you're finished with that, explain how living out a miserable life is more responsible than the advice to cut bait.


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## urinal mint (Mar 31, 2008)

Help her clean the double wide (including sponging down the wood paneling, polishing the formica [no relation to the "moderator" by the same name/handle], emptying the ashtrays and dusting the couch in the front yard ) and you will be headed towards relationship bliss.

[always amused by people asking about relationship advice on an MTB forum]


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

Impy said:


> If there is no respect or love there, then it is a losing battle.
> 
> Unfortunately, I speak from experience. If both parties aren't 100% into salvaging the marriage and working on the problems, its not going to work, no matter how much money you throw at the therapist. Call me out of line if you want, I'm just calling it as I see it.


This is a valid point I think. My default position is always to work to see whether the relationship can be saved, but sometimes it can't. You are 100% right that both parties have to be committed, but I don't agree that both have to be 100% from the get go. From experience I've found that men are often more dubious going into it, but once they gain a wee bit of insight, it's like a light goes on, and they suddenly become the leader in effecting change. It comes back to the problem solving nature of the male mind, and the more intuitive, emotionally based female mind. When the man changes his behavior, the woman reacts in a more positive way emotionally toward him, and there we have a solid foundation to build on. Small successes lead to bigger successes. This is over-simplified of course, but hopefully some of you can see the logic.



> So your saying you need to get the snowball rolling, but only she can pack the "starter"? So you wait around till she says "maybe I should join the gym", and reply with "i'll join with you?"


Sorry, should have answered this already. Yes, you are definitely on the right track there. The big risk is in trying to angle for that outcome by dropping hints. Women are great at sniffing out manipulation.

I'm out for now. Hope you all enjoy the weekend and get to ride. I was planning to take my wife mountain biking for the first time since our boy was born, but a big storm is brewing. Bummer.


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

Impy said:


> I was speaking to devil. I'm not advocating anything, rather, I was asking him to think honestly about how capable HE is in forgiving his wife, and respecting HER. "She is interested in nothing except drinking, watching tv and can't hold a job" really doesn't sound like words of love and respect, at least not in my world. Where is the "She is a beautiful person, the love of my life, I am so worried about her, how can I make this work, we are a great pair together..."
> 
> If there is no respect or love there, then it is a losing battle.
> 
> Unfortunately, I speak from experience. If both parties aren't 100% into salvaging the marriage and working on the problems, its not going to work, no matter how much money you throw at the therapist. Call me out of line if you want, I'm just calling it as I see it.


i agree with what youre saying here. but to me it reads differently than your previous post.

i can live with our having different opinions about what the op should do. but the reason i object to people giving advice about splitting up:

if the marriage doesnt work out, thats really unfortunate. hopefully things will improve for both of them after, but its still a negative experience to deal with.

if the marriage does work out, thats really great. by work out i mean things do improve for both of them together, not just continues. this is definitely a positive experience. (not saying it wont take a lot of hard work and struggle to get there)

while counseling doesnt guarantee positive results, it might give the marriage a better chance to work. and to me, if the marriage works thats the best case scenario. again, just my opinion, and you might disagree. but telling the op to leave without trying to get professional help for the marriage doesnt give this best case scenario as strong a chance.

thats why i take exception to people telling him to take off.

personally i think i have better advice for him than that. but whos to say he should take mine over yours or anybody elses? which is why i am saying he should take what we all have to say with a grain of salt and go and seek the help of someone more qualified.

i am a bit relieved that you didnt resort to name calling. sorry impy, i should give you more credit than that, but things get kinda immature around here real quickly (or anywhere online i suppose). and sorry too for calling you out, you sound like a reasonable person, whereas some others have posted comments i found more objectionable. maybe the moderator title looked like a bullseye to me. really though, i dont make it a habit of going around provoking people. too much of that already and all it does is bring more uselessness to the internet.


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

bshallard said:


> PaintPeelinPbody said:
> 
> 
> > So your saying you need to get the snowball rolling, but only she can pack the "starter"? So you wait around till she says "maybe I should join the gym", and reply with "i'll join with you?"
> ...


I think Pbody was being sarcastic.


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## grungePoodle (Jul 3, 2007)

It has nothing to do with your biking. Seriously.

I think there is something deeper going on and the first thing for her to attack was the closest thing in range...your biking. If you liked video games, she would attack that too. Y'all need to decide what is important; saving the marriage and work on that together or establish who is right and eff the marriage. I've been married 17 years and been through the "your bike is more important than the kids" thing. I am the biker, my husband is not. It has nothing to do with the bike. Trust me. But before you point the finger at her, look at yourself first. I know it's hard (I had to do it) and dig deep. I am not saying this to be a jerk but because I have been there and it's hard to look at yourself first.


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## LIFECYCLE (Mar 8, 2006)

Bollox to everyone else,go with your instinct.Its your relationship.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*This is so much bigger than riding.*

And it breaks my heart to hear about this situation. You need professional help and if your wife won't join you then you need to go for yourself for support and understanding. In the short term make sure you stay healthy and take good care of your son. Do not alienate him from his mom, though. This can be tricky but it is essential.


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## pimpbot (Dec 31, 2003)

*Yeah, but....*



nachomc said:


> :lol: Nothing easy is worth it.


... there are fun ways to get exercise and not fun ways. I belonged to gyms for years, and only occasionally went. I found them to be not fun at all, apart from the lycra clad hotties. :thumbsup: I was just never motivated to go. I probably set fire to $2000 in member ship fees to only go maybe 10-15 times at most.

Then a guy I worked with got me back into mountian biking after a 15 year break. Now that was fun! All I want to do now is to make time to go ride my bike.

Point is, maybe try to find something she likes, like hiking (pretty scenery, being in the woods, maybe camping to make it fun?) or kyaking or something.


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

Mrwhlr said:


> I think Pbody was being sarcastic.


Possibly. I wasn't sure. Thought I'd better give him the benefit of the doubt, especially since my wife thought the comment was a good one.


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

bshallard said:


> Possibly. I wasn't sure. Thought I'd better give him the benefit of the doubt, especially since my wife thought the comment was a good one.


Well, maybe your wife should be helping -Devil- out instead, since her opinion carries more weight than yours (despite your professional counseling experience)?

Which do you bill more, patients directly, or their insurance companies. I'm thinking the insurance companies.


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## McLovin (Sep 7, 2007)

Mrwhlr said:


> Well, maybe your wife should be helping -Devil- out instead, since her opinion carries more weight than yours (despite your professional counseling experience)?
> 
> Which do you bill more, patients directly, or their insurance companies. I'm thinking the insurance companies.


 How's that scientology working out for you?


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

McLovin said:


> How's that scientology working out for you?


They still send letters to a guy who hasn't lived at my address for six years.


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## billybobzia (Jan 10, 2004)

while counseling doesnt guarantee positive results, it might give the marriage a better chance to work. and to me, if the marriage works thats the best case scenario. again, just my opinion, and you might disagree. but telling the op to leave without trying to get professional help for the marriage doesnt give this best case scenario as strong a chance.

i think you should get counseling.. at the very least, you will know more about yourself if it doesn't work out.. i went to 5 different counselors with my ex trying to make it work (yes, 5)... in the end, we were just too different.. we grew apart instead of together..it sucked, worst time of my life, but now i am a happier person.. she supported my riding, but wasn't into it at all.. i found a great gal that i ride with and its like a dream come true for me to be able to do stuff like that with a loved one. i have kids too and i really believe they are so much better off now.


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## commutergrl (Sep 3, 2007)

*Fwiw*

My .02 is that it sounds like you two have turned into very different people over the years. If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself some really simple questions. Do I really still love her? Is it worth it trying to keep it together for the next 3 years? Would my son be better off not witnessing bad behaviour between the Primary adults in his life? It sounds like your wife is trying to poison your relationship with your son (whether that's consiously done or not, the effect is the same). I'm of the opinion that 2 parents pulling in opposite directions in one home is worse than each parent in their own home, making whatever sense they make, alone. 15 is old enough to get it.

I don't see anything wrong with asking your buds on a website about it either. You need to process and I've found that it helps to process with others, lots and lots of others. It's easier to sift out the crap and find what makes sense to you. B/c whatever you decide, it has to make sense to you before you do it.

And I really don't agree that playing games makes any sense at all. It's like you're trying to be a puppet master rather treating her like an equal. All that gets you is a bunch of weird responses to weird behaviour and even more garbage to get past. The fact is that you have no idea why she's like this and she may not either. She may know and not be able to explain it. She may be able to explain it and you may not be able to understand it. Sometimes the most respectful thing to do is leave someone to figure it out on their own. Sometimes it makes sense to you to stay and work together. Only you can make that decision for yourself.

That's why I stick to the facts, here and now. What's best for you? Is it the same as what's best for all three of you? If you love the kid as your own, you need to ask the second question too regardless of what a court would do or, my guess is that, you'll forever be kicking youself about it afterwards.

I've been reading through most of all 5 pages and writing my post in a separate window so I just deleted a lot of stuff. This now reads like an opinionated summary of posts. I hope you find it helpful.

I know that I guard my happy singleness quite jealously and would be unwilling to give it up for anyone but the best. And even then, marriage is out of the question b/c I don't see the point. The point I'm trying to make here is that just b/c society prefers institutionalized couples so it can regulate them, No one should buy into it unless they really want to. really Really want to.

Good luck.

Teaching a kid to ride is a great asset he can draw on later. If I had difficulty focusing on my own needs, I'd focus on his. What's best for him?

signing off for real now
c


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

snowdenn said:


> i am a bit relieved that you didnt resort to name calling. sorry impy, i should give you more credit than that, but things get kinda immature around here real quickly (or anywhere online i suppose). and sorry too for calling you out, you sound like a reasonable person, whereas some others have posted comments i found more objectionable. maybe the moderator title looked like a bullseye to me. really though, i dont make it a habit of going around provoking people. too much of that already and all it does is bring more uselessness to the internet.


no offense taken at all. You seem like a really nice person, and one who is rooting for love to prevail, which is awesome. Believe it or not, I hope the marriage works out too, because in the end all we have is our family and our love. But it will take a ton of love and work and committment and honesty from both parties to get there.


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## bulletboy (Sep 6, 2004)

-Devil- said:


> that likely has a lot of truth in it .. one pattern i have noticed ... when i am unhappy she is happy ...


OH HELL no.

I went through this with my ex...I would talk to her on the phone, everything was great.
When I got home she was pissed at me, without any conversation in the middle.

I left her, went riding everyday until I met my wife, who happens to LOVE riding WITH me.

We have been together 5 years, and married 2.

I suggest counseling for BOTH of you.

Best of luck,

Chris


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## snowdenn (Dec 7, 2006)

Mrwhlr said:


> Unravel yourself, please.
> 
> When you're finished with that, explain how living out a miserable life is more responsible than the advice to cut bait.


unravel and explain. if you could not follow my previous post, it would be pointless to try to explain my thoughts on responsibility. but you seem less interested in actual dialogue and more interested in taking shots at therapists. we get it: youre against counseling. it shows. ha, sorry, that was cheap. but really, you would have more credibility without the ad hominems.


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

Mrwhlr said:


> Well, maybe your wife should be helping -Devil- out instead, since her opinion carries more weight than yours (despite your professional counseling experience)?
> 
> Which do you bill more, patients directly, or their insurance companies. I'm thinking the insurance companies.


We do live in a cynical little world don't we? I especially like the stay married equals stay miserable assumption.
Mrwhlr... hmm, like Mr Wheeler the Goofy character? The one who gets angry and mean when he gets behind the wheel of a car? Is there a Mr Walker we could talk to? Maybe he comes back when you get off the keyboard.
Oh and l need to know your insurance details, so I can send a bill for my time spent.

On a more serious note, Snowdenn, cheers man, you got a lot of heart.:thumbsup:


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## bigpedaler (Jan 29, 2007)

Best of luck with getting the communication going here; it's not gonna be easy, tho.

To this day (14 yrs. later), I still don't know what the real problem was that made #1 leave me; she claimed she was trying to talk to me about her problems, but her way of 'trying to talk' was to turn up the volume on a country song that said what she was too chickensh** to say. (No, I didn't abuse her, either) A long time ago, I decided she did me a favor; after all, I could still be married to this flake!

Women and communication can be a rock garden to ride through, so take it carefully.


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## mjsca07 (Dec 30, 2005)

People keep saying involvement is the key. I skipped over a lot of other posts so forgive me if I'm repeating something someone else said. If she doesn't want to get involved then it's pointless to try. People will do what they want to do. If she really wants to be involved, she'll do it. Sounds like she's not too concerned with herself health wise. Look Devil. Here is a fact with relationships. With passing time, people change. People change together in relationships. Changing in the same direction is of course great. Going opposite ways only brings people further apart. Don't sacrifice your health and your positive goals for her. The fact that she objected to your father/son ride is reason enough to realize it may be too late. You guys have been together for a long time but don't waste more time hoping she may come around some day. Let her go to the pool hall and get drunk while you rest up for a great ride and great time with your son. And if she doesnt want counseling, she's too lazy to work to keep you guys together. It will be hard at first splitting up and working all of the details out but you'll wake up one day and thank god you had the balls to do what you had to do. And I can promise you everything I've said is coming from experience. Good luck bro.


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## billybobzia (Jan 10, 2004)

mjsca07 said:


> People keep saying involvement is the key. I skipped over a lot of other posts so forgive me if I'm repeating something someone else said. If she doesn't want to get involved then it's pointless to try. People will do what they want to do. If she really wants to be involved, she'll do it. Sounds like she's not too concerned with herself health wise. Look Devil. Here is a fact with relationships. With passing time, people change. People change together in relationships. Changing in the same direction is of course great. Going opposite ways only brings people further apart. Don't sacrifice your health and your positive goals for her. The fact that she objected to your father/son ride is reason enough to realize it may be too late. You guys have been together for a long time but don't waste more time hoping she may come around some day. Let her go to the pool hall and get drunk while you rest up for a great ride and great time with your son. And if she doesnt want counseling, she's too lazy to work to keep you guys together. It will be hard at first splitting up and working all of the details out but you'll wake up one day and thank god you had the balls to do what you had to do. And I can promise you everything I've said is coming from experience. Good luck bro.


while i would never tell you what to do devil, i can relate to this last post.. although i was the one that initiated my separation, my goal was to work on it and hopefully get back together with my ex. i truly thought we needed a respite to get to that place. it became apparent that she was unwilling to do the "work" and decided she would rather be divorced (i now really doubt if it would have worked anyway).. when we got divorced the judge asked if we thought the marriage was irreconciable (sp).. i said no but his statement was, "you know, it takes two to tango" and she wasn't willing anymore.

i think for me the big thing was knowing i did everything i could to try to make it work and in the end i walked away knowing i tried without sacrificing who i am as a person. people change thats a fact, sometimes the changes bring you closer and unfortunately, sometimes the changes push you apart. good luck, i hope it all works out for you.


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

bshallard said:


> We do live in a cynical little world don't we? I especially like the stay married equals stay miserable assumption.
> Mrwhlr... hmm, like Mr Wheeler the Goofy character? The one who gets angry and mean when he gets behind the wheel of a car? Is there a Mr Walker we could talk to? Maybe he comes back when you get off the keyboard.
> Oh and l need to know your insurance details, so I can send a bill for my time spent.
> 
> On a more serious note, Snowdenn, cheers man, you got a lot of heart.:thumbsup:


Assumption!?! Have you bothered to even read what this guy wrote? Do you assume he's a liar?

It is you who carries a balance, so keep that bill. Anyway, I've already had a personality test - came back as *STFU* type.


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## PeteGTI (May 2, 2007)

a lot of these posts make me realize how lucky i am that my wife supports me in all my crazy cycling endeavors. 

i knew when she pushed a vintage schwinn 2 miles down the street from a garage sale with a taco'd wheel for me... that she was a great catch.


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## denmikseb (Aug 27, 2007)

My wife didn't mind me riding at all...she said it kept me out of the bars!! Maybe you could work that in to your situation. Try sitting around the house all the time in your underwear, drinking beer. Got some slob friends? Invite them over, too. Hmmm...Now that I think about it, I'll bet she's afraid of what might happen if you get buff.


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## schnauzers (Oct 3, 2005)

mtbbill said:


> This is not in response to this particular quoted part, but there is a lot more going on than the MTB piece. If your wife is unwilling to move into a healther lifestyle with you. Then it is highly unlikely you will not make it another 10 or even 5. Get some counseling. Sounds like your wife needs to see someone on her own before you get into the marriage counseling bit.
> 
> I have been married for 16 years and been going through some of the same crap as you from about the 10 year mark. I also have a 12 and a 9 year old. In another 10 years my wife will certainly be a mountain biker.
> 
> She might even be my current wife


I'm sensing a theme here. And it all started after the second kid, right? I just chalk it up to wacky female hormones that never got back in balance. The OP only has three more years until the kid is 18. I say suck it up, wait it out, and save the additional cost of child support.

My Wife will never ride a bike, be fit, yada yada yada. That's just the way it is and accept it. It doesn't mean I can't go for rides with pretty girls .


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## schnauzers (Oct 3, 2005)

CDMC said:


> My take on it is that the problems in your marriage are far deeper than they appear to you on the surface. This is not the normal "my wife says I spend to much time riding with my friends." She has extended it into sabotaging your health (throwing away your healthy food), and manipulating you and your 15 year old.
> 
> As another suggested, she is probably depressed and/or an alcoholic. Misery loves company, and the happier you are, the more miserable she is. The best thing you can do is try to get her to go to a counselor with you. If she won't go with you, go by yourself for a while, if nothing else to learn some tools in how to handle the situation.


Or just spike her drinks with Cymbalta.

I'm kind of with you on this. Her low self-esteem is probably related to depression.


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## Guesswho117 (Jan 4, 2008)

Here's my two cents. I have a job that allows me to ride on weekdays. So I seldom or rarely ever ride on the weekends. I reserve those days for the wife and kids. If I do, I'm on the trail at 6:30AM and home by 10 AM at the latest. This leaves the whole day for the family. I understand that 6:30 is early for most people but you gotta do it if you want things to be cool at home. Spouses see the weekends as the only two days they are off and if you decide to spend most of Sat and Sun with someone other than them, they get a bit pissed off. So try the 6:30 ride and spend the rest of the day with her and the family and I truly believe things will be better.


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## wheelbender6 (Sep 25, 2007)

Invite her to join you. She probably will not participate but it may help. Try some rides oriented around Her, like riding to the coffee shop or the pub together. It may provide no fitness benefits for you, but will likely improve her attitude towards the bike.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

wheelbender6 said:


> Invite her to join you. She probably will not participate but it may help. Try some rides oriented around Her, like riding to the coffee shop or the pub together. It may provide no fitness benefits for you, but will likely improve her attitude towards the bike.


tried that a long while back (well several months) ... no dice ... heh

suprized this thread got so many replies to it ... lol ...

as for what i finally 'did' about the situation ... i made a decision .. once i had a clear head on what was going on ... and have a plan now ... that is going to have results one way or another in the next 4 to 5 years at the most ...


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## kosayno (Sep 7, 2006)

Sorry to hear your dilemma. Been keeping up with this thread. I know too many couples with similar situations as you. They all stay together because they're just too afraid to move on so they stay in their miserable relationships instead of doing the hardest thing to find new happiness. If you don't mind, what is finally your decision? If you don't want to answer, that's cool too, I think I already know though. Peace friend and I hope you find happiness.


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## V.P. (Aug 26, 2007)

kosayno said:


> They all stay together because they're just too afraid to move on so they stay in their miserable relationships instead of doing the hardest thing to find new happiness.


Here in denmark alot of people do that. Its absolutely amazing to see the amount of **** people will take, and it is in my personal opinion INSANE. I just got single btw.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

kosayno said:


> Sorry to hear your dilemma. Been keeping up with this thread. I know too many couples with similar situations as you. They all stay together because they're just too afraid to move on so they stay in their miserable relationships instead of doing the hardest thing to find new happiness. If you don't mind, what is finally your decision? If you don't want to answer, that's cool too, I think I already know though. Peace friend and I hope you find happiness.


well the basics of it are ... that i am going to keep putting up with it for the next 4 to 5 years while i make sure every un needed expense is paid off (and my car is paid off) .. and in the meantime selling the extra junk i have ... and putting that money up into a different savings acct ...

while i am doing that, in that timeframe i will also continue to try to talk to her, and see if i can make any progress or difference in the relationship ... but if i can't ... to me it is already dead ... i am now just planning for my future ...

about the only other way the plans will change .. is if something else gets drastically worse .. or a much better opportunity comes along ...


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## Mrwhlr (Sep 16, 2006)

-Devil- said:


> well the basics of it are ... that i am going to keep putting up with it for the next 4 to 5 years while i make sure every un needed expense is paid off (and my car is paid off) .. and in the meantime selling the extra junk i have ... and putting that money up into a different savings acct ...
> 
> while i am doing that, in that timeframe i will also continue to try to talk to her, and see if i can make any progress or difference in the relationship ... but if i can't ... to me it is already dead ... i am now just planning for my future ...
> 
> about the only other way the plans will change .. is if something else gets drastically worse .. or a much better opportunity comes along ...


Five years is a long time. Why suffer? You can get more money, but never more life.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

eh, i am used to the suffering part ... can't get more money less i get a better job ... so getting stuff paid off ... so that i will have enough for rent and such ...


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

Dunno bro... you're kinda talking about completely revamping your life. Might as well do that + move. Many places in America keep you stuck in the grind, lots of other opportunities elsewhere.

While you're biding your time I suggest investigating other states/cities. If you find something that pays much better... well there goes having to pay things off slowly. But if you're committed to the five year plan, why not add a degree on top of it? Night school?


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## Robbo (Feb 28, 2005)

Guesswho117 said:


> Here's my two cents. I have a job that allows me to ride on weekdays. So I seldom or rarely ever ride on the weekends. I reserve those days for the wife and kids. If I do, I'm on the trail at 6:30AM and home by 10 AM at the latest. This leaves the whole day for the family. I understand that 6:30 is early for most people but you gotta do it if you want things to be cool at home. Spouses see the weekends as the only two days they are off and if you decide to spend most of Sat and Sun with someone other than them, they get a bit pissed off. So try the 6:30 ride and spend the rest of the day with her and the family and I truly believe things will be better.


Yep, familiar with this one. I'm very, very fortunate to have an understanding Other Half; I'm free to ride whenever there's spare time in our busy lives (3 young kids, 4hr-a-day, 5-day-a-week commute to busy job). She understands it gives me a release from the day-to-day and doesn't resent it.

As a result, I also make the effort to get a ride in as early as I can on a weekend, to free up the rest of the day for house painting, lawn mowiing, nappy changing (18 month old), shopping for Converse sneaks (12-y-o girl) and teaching Master Six to wheelie... 

I do take my freedoms for granted sometimes, and Devil, best of luck with your situation. How's your boy dealing with it all?


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

Deme Moore said:


> Dunno bro... you're kinda talking about completely revamping your life. Might as well do that + move. Many places in America keep you stuck in the grind, lots of other opportunities elsewhere.
> 
> While you're biding your time I suggest investigating other states/cities. If you find something that pays much better... well there goes having to pay things off slowly. But if you're committed to the five year plan, why not add a degree on top of it? Night school?


i hadn't thought about the degree thing ... might as well make the best out of it ...

once the 5 year part rolls around ... if my parents arn't still alive .. then i won't be 'tied down' (willingly i prefer to stay within about 3 to 4 hours of them) to this location and can get to a better place for sure ...


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## Seltzer (Nov 1, 2006)

mondaycurse said:


> I'm no marriage psychologist, but it sounds like she wants you to spend more time with her.


Ding, ding! Ditto x2...marriage is a bond, and its the responsibility of both individuals to be together, not all the time, but enough to keep the peace at home for sure.


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## scoutcat (Mar 30, 2008)

if she cant respect and support you then its time to call it off


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

-Devil- said:


> i hadn't thought about the degree thing ... might as well make the best out of it ...


Dude goforit. I had a friend that decided to get into medicine in his late 20s. Everyone said it was too late, blahblahblah you're gonna become a doctor by age 40, what's the point.

Anywhoo, he finished his degree from scratch and is now winding up his residency as a GP. Those years just roll by, meanwhile all the people who said it would take too long are still running on the hamster wheel.

If life has you "trapped" for awhile anyways, might as well make the best of it. Finish strong!


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## Camshaft213 (Feb 16, 2008)

damn bro i cant believe you are willing to put up with it that much longer

i cant believe ANYBODY puts up with a dictator spouse!


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## bikerideAZ (Apr 8, 2007)

People don't change.

Let's say you both live until the ripe old age of 80...how happy of a life will you have with a person that wants company in misery. I was once married (2 years) to a similar woman and decided to live up to my agreement in marriage until she cheated on me. Oh life is fantastic now!!! New girlfriend for two years that runs and bikes with me, new friends, and she loves when I get in better and better shape and doesn't hate me or become jealous. People don't change, but you can change your situation. Do you think it will become better or worse when you have kids? Exactly, then you'll really be stuck and eating sh!t all day every day. I don't mean that literally.


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## C-Fed (Jan 1, 2008)

It's already been said, but there are problems here that go way deeper than bikes. If you want this to work, seeking validation for your point of view on the internet isn't going to get you anywhere. Pitch in & get to the bottom of this, with professional help if required. If you want it to be over, keep validating your point of view on the internet...you'll be there before you know it.


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## shanedawg (Jan 9, 2004)

tlg said:


> Being previously married to a depressed addict of which I was not the problem, this woman sounds very similar. Calling a divorce lawyer is not the first action for the husband / father of a 15yro son.


Why not? Strictly financially speaking he would probably have to pay three years of child support if he left now. But if he stays another 3 years and the relationship ends anyway then he might be on the hook for 7-? years of alimony. The longer he stays in the marriage the more risk he has financially in the courts. The 10 year mark is the dividing line between alimony that might last 5 years and alimony that might last forever.

To the OP, do your marriage law research now so you don't get screwed over bad in the courts. Then, once you know the risks involved you can make your decisions about how much you want to work things out with this women.


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## N8! (Jan 28, 2006)

I had a wife like yours -Devil-....

now an EX wife...

the cost in $'s is well worth it for a much better quality of life and time.


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## glorth2 (Jun 4, 2004)

Good luck Devil. 5 years is rough. Better to get a good lawyer now and make it as clean as possible. You'll be better off in the long run. Note: I was raised Catholic and am against divorce in most cases.

BTW, I hate to stay this but, you might want to start looking at her e-mails and text messages.


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## Razorfish (May 9, 2008)

shanedawg said:


> Why not? Strictly financially speaking he would probably have to pay three years of child support if he left now. But if he stays another 3 years and the relationship ends anyway then he might be on the hook for 7-? years of alimony. The longer he stays in the marriage the more risk he has financially in the courts. The 10 year mark is the dividing line between alimony that might last 5 years and alimony that might last forever.
> 
> To the OP, do your marriage law research now so you don't get screwed over bad in the courts. Then, once you know the risks involved you can make your decisions about how much you want to work things out with this women.


You have your alimony and child-support seriously confused. They are not the same nor do they overlap.

And in any case why would somebody try to get out of paying the cost to raise their child. Let's not forget one tiny little detail, it's their child. Hello?


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## Deme Moore (Jun 15, 2007)

Razorfish said:


> And in any case why would somebody try to get out of paying the cost to raise their child. Let's not forget one tiny little detail, it's their child. Hello?


Actually hello, he mentioned it was her child, not his. If that's the case I can't say I blame him.

Sadly he'd still be on the hook thanks to our "progressive" civil rights. Where women get to foist their children on men just because somebody said "I do".


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## Lopaka (Sep 7, 2006)

She wants to control you. With this type, it is always about them. Wear a collar and a leash or kick her to the curb. She will never change.


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## HardRockCop (Jul 16, 2008)

McDowell_Matt said:


> just tell her that you're getting "Sexy" for her, and that MAYBE she would like to return the favor by toning up a bit....
> 
> If nothing else, you'll be single quicker with a comment like that...
> and then you'll have all the free time you've been wanting.


and wear a sexy nightie when you say it! LOL


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

yeah i know, digging up a can of old dead worms ... 

for the ones that posted everything in the thread ... just to let you know

i am getting a divorce ... freedom! .. at a cost .. but it will be worth it in the end ...


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## seawind161 (May 1, 2008)

-Devil-

I don't know you, but I just finished the whole 151-msg thread. 

I've been in your position, and the cost of freedom is ALWAYS worth it.

Gear down, pedal hard, and never look back.


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## kosayno (Sep 7, 2006)

Divorce sucks but sometimes you just have to do what's best for you. Good to see that you found the strength to make the right choice in your situation.


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## Herm99 (Sep 5, 2008)

wow just read this whole thread, good for you man, stand up for yourself and gtfo while you still can. You will be so much happier when its done. Cheers


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## Razorfish (May 9, 2008)

Divorce is a conclusion. Maybe not the best but it's much better than lingering in hell. Good for you.


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## -Devil- (Feb 28, 2008)

Razorfish said:


> Divorce is a conclusion. Maybe not the best but it's much better than lingering in hell. Good for you.


well put, the odd part is right now i am having to go through hell .. just to get out of it.


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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

Reminds me of the old question...

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it



Good luck to you


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## cbchess (Dec 20, 2003)

-Devil- said:


> yeah i know, digging up a can of old dead worms ...
> 
> for the ones that posted everything in the thread ... just to let you know
> 
> i am getting a divorce ... freedom! .. at a cost .. but it will be worth it in the end ...


Good for you
just read the whole thread - you deserve to be happy. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. You made the right choice.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*Thanks for following up.*

Congratulations on your decision. I can't imagine how much you have gone through to get there. best wishes for managing your new family situation.

Ride well. :thumbsup:


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## jpelaston (Feb 27, 2007)

Good luck in the tought time ahead. 
If you have put up with the [email protected] this long. A little more [email protected] for a short time won't kill you.

Start getting involved with a local MTB club or organization and see how quickly you meet a like minded group of friends.

Again, Good luck.


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## big_slacker (Feb 16, 2004)

Didn't read the whole thread. But I will tell you this. You must always be honest about what you want out of life. With your spouse, yes, but with yourself as well. It sounds like you've done that and now its just a little bit of struggle to get to where you really need to be.


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## Rufudufus (Apr 27, 2004)

Didn't read the whole post either, but once I hit your "She's only happy when I'm unhappy" post, I figured that was enough. Hope this is the start of happier times for you.


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## Garlock (Jul 9, 2008)

Things like these make young bikers not want to get married. I hope everything works out.


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

big_slacker said:


> Didn't read the whole thread. But I will tell you this. You must always be honest about what you want out of life. With your spouse, yes, but with yourself as well. It sounds like you've done that and now its just a little bit of struggle to get to where you really need to be.


as you move on, be sure you do the work on yourself that you need to do. After all you did pick her for a reason, and you better had find out what that was, or you will be doomed to repeat your mistakes in one form or another.


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