# relationships + mtb



## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

I get stressed out and bike pretty horribly when I'm with my bf. Plus, he's always biking with cat1 racers, even though he does not race. He makes comments to me like, "I don't want to ride at [destination mtb place] with you because I want to ride at a pace that is more natural to me," ie, "You are too slow and I don't want to wait."

These comments make me even more freakish when I do ride with him, because I feel really pressured to ride super fast and really well. This, in turn, makes me stiff and nervous, and not ride well or fast. Although he did comment that I climbed well once. I think he was having an off day.

Anyhow, is there anyone else in this predicament? Why do I put so much pressure on myself? I know it's mostly me because when we ride together, he rides intentionally slow for me and seems to enjoy the ride, I'm the one not enjoying it. Should I just not ride with him? I wish I could enjoy it... before we dated, I really liked riding with him  We've been together over a year now.


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## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

I think you need to be honest with him about it. He's being (maybe brutally) honest with you that he sometimes wants to ride faster. Well - you don't like having to try to ride his pace all the time any more than he likes to try to ride your pace. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Find people that you DO like to ride with, who ride at your pace and you don't feel pressured by. Whether it's real or percieved pressure to ride faster, it rarely helps... But going off and doing your own thing WILL help. If you want to ride faster, go take some skills clinics, train, etc. but only if you actually want those things. And if you would rather just ride at your own pace and enjoy yourself, then stick to your guns, do your own thing and have fun.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

yes, I would love to ride as well as he does, which is partly why I want to relax and be able to ride with him--to push myself. We rarely ever ride together, too, I just would like to enjoy it more when we do and not feel so much pressure :/ I have been going to clinics and I have improved so much since my last injury--it's really been a goal of mine to get back into racing full swing. I used to be in last place on every group ride, now I'm in the front of the pack with the regular mortals, but still fall way behind with the A-group. I plan to get started with a coach as soon as I have more steady income.


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## UEDan (Apr 11, 2010)

Yep, what Connie said, perfect. But your boyfriend can be a little more easy going and ride with you, because he has no idea how lucky he is to have a gf that rides.

One day I will teach my gf to ride a bike.... that is if she ever REALLY wants to learn =(


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## KYjelly (Mar 11, 2010)

My partner has just gotten into MTB (from nothing basically) and while I go do all my training etc at high pace/grade etc, I always take a few hours out to go riding with my girl, encourage her, try and teach her some riding skills etc.. and moreso, be patient with her.

Hell, I expect her to be patient and supportive to me when I do 24hr races! Its only fair!










I remember when I was first starting out and how daunting and scary it all was - especially when theres testosterone involved. Id like to try and prevent her having the same amount of scar tissue on my legs - and hell, its bike riding - its meant to be fun!

Smiles! Not just miles.


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## Roasted (Feb 8, 2009)

I try to avoid posting in the women's forum due to respecting the territory, but I felt obligated to offer a guy's point of view on the subject.

While I can understand the commonly male driven "go as fast as possible" feeling at times, it should be understood that when you're riding with anybody else that they may not be pedaling as fast as you like. It doesn't matter who I ride with. Women, men, my little brother, whenever I ride with someone else I expect there to be some "downtime" in there since not everybody stacks up physically in an identical fashion. In the same regard, there are times I just need to take a breather when others show signs of wanting to push on. Point is, he should be a little more understanding to your riding style. If you don't turn that crank as fast as he does, that is completely okay. Enjoying the ride is the key fundamental of this sport. If you don't enjoy something like this that is physically demanding - why do it? I don't think you should have any pressure or stressful feelings when riding, regardless of who it's with.

I think a little 1 on 1 talk about this may help. I would find it perfectly acceptable if I had a mountain biker girlfriend/wife who wanted to bike with her friends instead of me. At the same token, if we were to bike together, I would understand the territory that comes with biking with another individual, which is simply what I said above.

Good luck. Keep riding. :thumbsup:



UEDan said:


> Yep, what Connie said, perfect. But your boyfriend can be a little more easy going and ride with you, because he has no idea how lucky he is to have a gf that rides.
> 
> One day I will teach my gf to ride a bike.... that is if she ever REALLY wants to learn =(


You aint lying brother. I've never dated a girl who even enjoyed sitting on a bike or riding around town on a nice warm evening. It'd be nice to have a lady friend on the trail with me. Maybe someday...


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## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

creseis said:


> yes, I would love to ride as well as he does, which is partly why I want to relax and be able to ride with him--to push myself. We rarely ever ride together, too, I just would like to enjoy it more when we do and not feel so much pressure :/ I have been going to clinics and I have improved so much since my last injury--it's really been a goal of mine to get back into racing full swing. I used to be in last place on every group ride, now I'm in the front of the pack with the regular mortals, but still fall way behind with the A-group. I plan to get started with a coach as soon as I have more steady income.


Nice work! I know exactly what you mean. It's one of my ongoing challenges to learn to ride at my own pace...

For example, my husband is one of those people that can jump out of the car and start riding at his full speed up a mountain (and loudly declares that he's "taking it easy and warming up"). I need a REAL warmup or I'm a disaster (tend to bonk, have no balance, etc.) The fight isn't with him - it's with my brain as I watch him leave me in the dust when I think I should be able to keep up. It doesn't make any sense for me to ruin my ride because my ego couldn't take needing to warm up when someone else didn't, right? But I have to fight it and learn to pace myself and let him go... and then once I'm warmed up we can ride at close to the same pace most of the time.

I think naturally, most of us just want to grab on to the wheel of the person in front of us and do everything that they do, but I have to remind myself sometimes to ride my own ride, pay attention to my own body, pick my own lines and find a pace where I can push myself without crossing the line into bonking or losing control. Easier said than done, but I've been getting better at it. (And crashing a lot less... those two things are probably related...)


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Roasted said:


> I try to avoid posting in the women's forum due to respecting the territory, but I felt obligated to offer a guy's point of view on the subject.
> 
> While I can understand the commonly male driven "go as fast as possible" feeling at times, it should be understood that when you're riding with anybody else that they may not be pedaling as fast as you like. It doesn't matter who I ride with. Women, men, my little brother, whenever I ride with someone else I expect there to be some "downtime" in there since not everybody stacks up physically in an identical fashion. In the same regard, there are times I just need to take a breather when others show signs of wanting to push on. Point is, he should be a little more understanding to your riding style. If you don't turn that crank as fast as he does, that is completely okay. Enjoying the ride is the key fundamental of this sport. If you don't enjoy something like this that is physically demanding - why do it? I don't think you should have any pressure or stressful feelings when riding, regardless of who it's with.
> 
> ...


hmmm so how do I bring this up nicely? I seriously think it's mostly in my head and I need to get it out of my head. I need to have a positive attitude, find some happy thoughts!


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

connie said:


> Nice work! I know exactly what you mean. It's one of my ongoing challenges to learn to ride at my own pace...
> 
> For example, my husband is one of those people that can jump out of the car and start riding at his full speed up a mountain (and loudly declares that he's "taking it easy and warming up"). I need a REAL warmup or I'm a disaster (tend to bonk, have no balance, etc.) The fight isn't with him - it's with my brain as I watch him leave me in the dust when I think I should be able to keep up. It doesn't make any sense for me to ruin my ride because my ego couldn't take needing to warm up when someone else didn't, right? But I have to fight it and learn to pace myself and let him go... and then once I'm warmed up we can ride at close to the same pace most of the time.
> 
> I think naturally, most of us just want to grab on to the wheel of the person in front of us and do everything that they do, but I have to remind myself sometimes to ride my own ride, pay attention to my own body, pick my own lines and find a pace where I can push myself without crossing the line into bonking or losing control. Easier said than done, but I've been getting better at it. (And crashing a lot less... those two things are probably related...)


I forget to eat a lot, too! He reminds me to eat, which is nice. I think he's figured out that I don't eat, I bonk and get crabby, and it's in his best interest if I eat


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## PitBullSupporter (Aug 6, 2010)

I just wish that my other half would even go out there with me! He always says that if he can't bring a fishing pole, then he's not going..... Ah, I still love my fisherman though...


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## nm_gunslinger (Jul 28, 2008)

My wife and I struggle with this too.... As someone else mentioned, I don't like riding her pace all the time any more than she likes chasing me all the time. 

What I found that works is riding with a good group. That way I can do what I want to get a good ride w/o feeling guilty leaving her behind. Or her getting mad chasing me.

There are about 6 regulars in our group, 2 girls and 4 guys, and it's pretty mixed group riding wise. We talk about which trails we're going to ride and regroup at either forks or planned stops. 

This seems to work well, and we have friends to have lunch and a drink with after the ride:thumbsup:


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*Riding with other people is not simple.*

As a coach and community rider the range of skill, stamina, preparation, and facility with self-support is enormous. Adjusting my riding to support another rider is a definite mental decision to GIVE UP MY RIDE. People don't seem to appreciate what that does to ones riding over the years. People sitting in offices spout off about how fulfilling it is to help others but I seldom see those people out riding sweep.

Some people don't want anything to do with that sort of riding. People who ride at a certain level do so because it works for them. Tinkering with that for someone else's purposes is an anathema.

I can see wishing that SO would ride with one. I can see that someone who rides with SO values that. However, using any language that implies that SO ought to for some reason is misguided.

What I see is our IP is trying really hard but is so far from bridging the gap to her SOs level that she is confounded by her own limited ability and her redevelopment. While I hear a desire that he ride at her level I don't get the idea that she feels he is obliged to do so. It would just be nice to have a bit of what seemed possible in the past. There are so many romantic/relationship analogies here I don't even know where to start. So I won't even try.

FWIW I really like your voice as you seem simply to want more comfort in your riding experience and to feel more in control. Your experience with your SO takes you right out of that space. I imagine you realize at some level IT ISN'T HIM, IT'S YOU. What I will suggest, creseis, is that you take a good hard look at why you are riding in the first place and look to the rest of the cycling community for how to support that. Own your cycling and define it in your own terms. At some point it may intersect with your SO again.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

Group rides are really awesome for two people of different levels. When its just the two of you, or a smaller ride, you have to be really honest and up front about what your expectations are. Some time I want my bf to ride with me, other times I'm totally ok with him dropping me and waiting up ahead. One thing is for sure, I have to tell him, because I have not trained him to mind read yet.


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## chuky (Apr 3, 2005)

Berkeley Mike said:


> Adjusting my riding to support another rider is a definite mental decision to GIVE UP MY RIDE. People don't seem to appreciate what that does to ones riding


Nice to see someone making this point. This isn't just a guy-girl problem, it can happen no matter what the gender of the riders. If I decide to ride with a beginner, I am essentially giving up my opportunity to ride that day, instead choosing to focus on someone else's growing skill set. This is something that I occasionally do, but I really don't want to turn every ride into a therapy/skills session. The beginner that expects every ride to center around their needs is just as tough to work with as is the advanced rider that can't ever help a beginner out.

Sometimes advanced riders have to give up their rides and sometimes beginners have to understand that there are rides they aren't ready for but that their friends will like and not begrudge them that enjoyment.


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## midgetmafiosa (Oct 8, 2009)

chuky said:


> Nice to see someone making this point. This isn't just a guy-girl problem, it can happen no matter what the gender of the riders. If I decide to ride with a beginner, I am essentially giving up my opportunity to ride that day, instead choosing to focus on someone else's growing skill set. This is something that I occasionally do, but I really don't want to turn every ride into a therapy/skills session. The beginner that expects every ride to center around their needs is just as tough to work with as is the advanced rider that can't ever help a beginner out.
> 
> Sometimes advanced riders have to give up their rides and sometimes beginners have to understand that there are rides they aren't ready for but that their friends will like and not begrudge them that enjoyment.


this is so true. as a new mountain biker, i am hyper conscious of this fact after coming from other sports. i appreciate the time my friends (and SO) spend riding with me and encourage them to go and do "big boy/big girl" rides if we're on a weekend trip and they've taken a ride with me. even at my best, there's a lot of stopping and waiting for my friends to do. my riding would be held back more if i thought i was holding them back all the time - i don't want to be responsible for that.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Actually, I feel the need to clarify a little here before this thread gets out of hand. I brought up this issue as a personal problem that I am having when I ride with my bf. It doesn't pertain to how I feel when I ride with anyone else, including friends who are far superior to me on a bike. Because I *only* feel this kind of stress when I am with my SO, not with others. I am gracious when people who are superior to me let me tag along and I often lead beginner rides myself. I don't see it as giving up my ride at all, I like riding with beginners to meet new people and to see their enthusiasm and new love for the sport. I know that not everyone feels this way, but I do. 

So, let's backtrack to my original issue: ME!!! Yes, I'm neurotic and nutty sometimes, and I would like to figure out how to reduce the stress I feel when I am biking with my sweetie. Because I like doing things with him, alone, and we both like biking and the outdoors, so wouldn't it be great if we could both have a good time biking on the trails together? The only person not having a good time sometimes is me, and that is totally because of the pressure I put myself through.

However, I would like to update about a ride we went on yesterday. It was in a moderately technically difficult area and it was my first time there. I started off really grumpy and pressured, as usual, but mid-ride I kind of started to enjoy myself a lot--I really like rocky places, and this place was really rocky, so I had a really good time and I didn't let my silly brain get in the way and psyche me out, make me nervous and stiff. I know that I was not 100% the best person to hang with yesterday, but I know that I got a lot better than before because I just allowed myself to relax and go my own pace and not worry about what he was doing.

So, let's not bring up the whole "giving up my ride to ride with beginners" thing here, because that's really not what I meant to bring up, at all. If you think it's something you'd like to talk about, perhaps there is another forum where a thread can be started on that issue.

Thanks to everyone, however, on their responses, all comments are helpful!


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## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

I know what you're saying - there is a totally different dynamic added in there when it's your significant other you're dealing with on a ride.

I have lots of friends who are couples that ride... and most of us at some point have had a conversation that went something like "Your husband is such a great coach - he's so patient and explains things so well..." "My husband? - Really?"

And it's not a slam on any of the husbands in our group - they're all great riders, fun to ride with, as patient as can be expected from any normal human being, they explain riding techniques as well as they can with the best of intentions... But all of us have experienced that hypersensitivity to criticism from your spouse - even when they didn't say anything at all, but just sigh or something.

It's that same dynamic that makes it so damn hard to teach your spouse a new sport... I can pay a coach to tell me I'm doing a million things wrong. When one little bit of the same advice comes from my husband (unless I specifically requested constructive criticism) it sometimes takes a force of will to accept it as constructive criticism rather than taking it personally. When it's someone you love, you worry about disappointing them...

I think the key is recognizing what you are doing. You're doing that now - looking back on your reactions and saying WTF? Why am I doing this to myself? Sometimes you can identify things that require a talk - my husband and I have taken both skiing and biking coaching together and it used to be hard not to give each other constructive criticism when you know what the other person is working on. But our rule is that we don't, unless it's specifically asked for. We've also had chats about - if you think I'm riding slower than usual, can you please not say things like "What happened, did you get a flat?" - 10 times in one ride? I'm obviously already not having the best day and that just makes me depressed... But the biggest part is internal - recognizing my reaction as it happens and realizing "I'm reading things into this that aren't really there...." and just letting it go.

Yesterday was my first day back on my bike after 3 weeks with bronchitis. Slow is an understatement. I felt like molasses. And my husband insisted on riding behind me about half of the time and we talked and chatted and I figured he was bored out of his mind but had told him he could ride on his own if he wanted and then *quit worrying about it*. We got back home and he said it was the most fun ride he'd had in a while. You don't have to be going as fast as you can to have fun.  I think the key here is that you don't force him to ride at your pace. But if you tell them to go do their own thing and they decide they'd rather hang with you and chat... then drop the worry and stress. If they didn't have fun then I guess they'll know to take you up on your offer to ride separately next time, eh?


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

*exactly*! good advice--I need to quit worrying about what he's doing, give him the option to do whatever he wants to do and if he still is with me, that must mean he wants to be with me. Duh! I totally hear ya on the coaching--I learned my lesson a while ago! I was having a tough time on a slippery, rooty trail and he very plainly said, "Why don't you take the weight off your front end?" I freaked out a little, said something like "YEAH I KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO." But seriously? After he said that, my riding overall improved a million percent because I became super aware of putting my weight back a tad more. That was my big epiphany of the summer actually. And I gave him crap for it  But I told him later on and thanked him. We also had this great communication early on--he used to like to warn me about stuff that was slightly scary coming up on the trail, which made me over-fearful of what was coming up, so I gently suggested he not warn me, and it was difficult for him to do that, but he totally got the hang of it and no longer forewarns me of tHe BrIdGe of dEATH, etc. 

and.. sorry about your bronchitis, glad you're feeling better!


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## chuky (Apr 3, 2005)

creseis said:


> If you think it's something you'd like to talk about, perhaps there is another forum where a thread can be started on that issue.


Ummmmmkay. We have been dismissed.

Sorry. Can't drop it.

It is almost impossible for some people to just chill the hell out and ride their own ride without turning it into a huge mental mess, more so with women than men. The ride I lead actually has a rule - you aren't allowed to apologize. No "I'm sorry I suck" "I'm sorry I'm holding you up" "I'm sorry your ride sucks because I'm here" or any of the accompanying litanies allowed. No one wants to hear the misery song. What they want is to see their beginner friend, whom they gave up their ride for, having fun and smiling and learning to love something we love too.

Now onto the approved topic.

We talk a lot about skill building here, but one of the skills that I think women neglect the most is learning to be comfortable with who you are and what your abilities are.

Repeat this in your head:

"my boyfriend/friends invited me because he/they enjoy/s my company. They know what my experience level is and the only person putting pressure on me is me. They will be waiting at the next intersection and until then, I am going to ride my own pace and enjoy the scenery."

Once you believe this, you will be able to relax.

If there are times when you are not invited because your SO wants to ride fast, you should thank your boyfriend for his honesty, and go find your own ride.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

chuky said:


> Ummmmmkay. We have been dismissed.
> 
> Sorry. Can't drop it.
> 
> ...


So basically you have ridden with all women to be able to make these blanket statements about women who ride? I know you're just angry about something.. not sure what... but uh, ok! It's really difficult to accept advice from someone, btw, after they make such blanket statements. So, uh, are you single?


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*Ahhhhh, Grasshopper*

like teaching your wife to drive.:thumbsup:

I feel dismissed too. It can be another version of "you don't do it right." However I do feel there is hope:
"I was having a tough time.... That was my big epiphany of the summer actually. And I gave him crap for it."

Sometimes it is about being ready to hear a certain thing. At the same time in a dream sometimes a banana is a phallic symbol. Sometimes it is just a piece of fruit.

Good luck.


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## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

Lets play nice, okay? Chuky (and her husband) are great to ride with and she was just trying to help. And I can relate to what she's saying, both from having felt like I'm holding other people up and telling people to quit apologizing for holding me up. Does it apply to everyone? Maybe not, but it's really, really common... 

I DO know what you're saying, that there is more to it when you're riding with someone you're in a relationship with and that's what the focus of your question is. (But the solutions aren't really that different... are they?)


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

connie said:


> Lets play nice, okay? )


Yea, please don't make me moderate, i'm out of practice 'cause everyone has been well behaved!!!!!

We all have different styles, and different ways we like to ride. But for those of us whose SO's are much better than we are, it can certainly lend a certain wierd twist on rides, even when we know intellectually that we are being stupid. Ahh, love.

Also , we all have different ways of enjoying our rides, and who we ride with, when it comes to different skill levels, endurance levels, or even gender. Chuky's point is right on in this, though, which is, if someone asks you to ride with them, make the 100% assumption that you are wanted on the ride. I used to apologize to the fast people all the time. Now I simply buy them a beer at the end and say "here's for waiting for my slow butt, thanks, great ride".


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Impy said:


> Yea, please don't make me moderate, i'm out of practice 'cause everyone has been well behaved!!!!!
> 
> We all have different styles, and different ways we like to ride. But for those of us whose SO's are much better than we are, it can certainly lend a certain wierd twist on rides, even when we know intellectually that we are being stupid. Ahh, love.
> 
> Also , we all have different ways of enjoying our rides, and who we ride with, when it comes to different skill levels, endurance levels, or even gender. Chuky's point is right on in this, though, which is, if someone asks you to ride with them, make the 100% assumption that you are wanted on the ride. I used to apologize to the fast people all the time. Now I simply buy them a beer at the end and say "here's for waiting for my slow butt, thanks, great ride".


I agree with the points made about people riding with different skill levels and how sometimes a group ride can get awkward if there is 1 person who really does not belong, but I think that belongs in a different thread and there are so many strong opinions and feelings associated with that sort of thing. I am a very social rider so I ride with all sorts of levels of people, just want to have a good time!


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Here's how it works at our house, mostly.

We like to ride together, mostly. I'll have days when I feel like utter crap, powerless, slow and I've learned to just say up front that I feel really icky and slow, and that he can ride with me or not, but if he chooses to ride with me I don't want to hear a peep about how slow I am that day.

On the flip side, if he wants to hammer, and no matter what I do I can't keep up with him even on a good day( this has happened) I have learned to just tell him to go on ahead without me and to let him know he's got a choice. He can ride with me and just shut up, or he can go on ahead and blow out the pipes and we'll meet later. LOL, I haven't actually done this yet but after the last meltdown when we were most definitely on different pages, I am determined to stand up for myself.


Re thread drift. IMO this is a large group discussion, and as such, things go where they will. From what I've seen starting another thread just to discuss "a point" almost always kills the discussion.


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## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

formica said:


> Here's how it works at our house, mostly.
> 
> We like to ride together, mostly. I'll have days when I feel like utter crap, powerless, slow and I've learned to just say up front that I feel really icky and slow, and that he can ride with me or not, but if he chooses to ride with me I don't want to hear a peep about how slow I am that day.
> 
> On the flip side, if he wants to hammer, and no matter what I do I can't keep up with him even on a good day( this has happened) I have learned to just tell him to go on ahead without me and to let him know he's got a choice. He can ride with me and just shut up, or he can go on ahead and blow out the pipes and we'll meet later. LOL, I haven't actually done this yet but after the last meltdown when we were most definitely on different pages, I am determined to stand up for myself.


I hear you.

One thing to remember is - no matter how similar you are in terms of riding skills and style to another person, you're not going to be on exactly the same pace every time you ride together. Sometimes you feel like crap, you're worn out or on the flip side are well rested and ready to go... Riding with other people always takes some degree of cooperation and patience.

That said - I think it's extremely common to lose patience with people you are very familiar with. If you're out on a ride for someone you've just met and they have all sorts of basic bike maintenance issues or slow you down or generally get on your nerves... you can think to yourself "well, I'm not going riding with THIS person again!" And then chill out and be polite because it won't last forever. When it's a family member or spouse... it adds a dimension of OMG I'm going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life! Hence the calming effect of realizing you can both go on separate rides and have fun on your own and knowing every ride doesn't need to be at a compromised pace. And once you chill out, you often realize that you can still have a lot of fun riding together despite it all.


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## chuky (Apr 3, 2005)

creseis said:


> So basically you have ridden with all women to be able to make these blanket statements about women who ride? I know you're just angry about something.. not sure what... but uh, ok! It's really difficult to accept advice from someone, btw, after they make such blanket statements. So, uh, are you single?


This is cracking me up. Imagine me as a angry, virginal crone, riding alone in the woods on her Bridgestone MB2 with 986 brakes, throwing squirrel poo at all the pretty girls with husbands, from behind stands of aspen. Probably best if your mental picture includes some hairy facial moles, an ancient black lab with goiter and a sun-bleached series of angry bumper stickers on a rusty hatchback.

(sweet, halloween is solved!)

When writing the above, I was really careful to use the word "some" and apply the statements to both genders, but I guess it didn't work. Must use broader language next time. I'm not angry, but I'm also not known for sugar-coating.

Anyway, yes, in my experience, this is a pretty safe rule to apply to most women. Those that aren't subject to this problem are super easy to teach, so I don't have to worry about them or include them in my "blanket" statements.

Headspace is almost always the difference between those that progress quickly and happily through the initial parts of a sport and those that get frustrated. It almost never has to do with previous athletic experience (the caveat being that people with a lot of high-level athletic background tend to be better beginners, because they understand physical skills progression and body movement better than people who have never been at the top of a sport - but, only if they can resign themselves to being awkward for a while (A couple of seasons ago, I watched a professional athlete attempt to learn to skate ski. It went poorly, because he couldn't stand being so bad at something when he was one of the ten best athletes in his own sport).


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## Cayenne_Pepa (Dec 18, 2007)

You need to maybe upgrade your guy. If it was me - I would do everything to help you become faster....even if it meant I wait for you. Nobody wants to be pressured to improve - it should happen naturally....without stress. He's even lucky his woman rides with him - many don't. What a selfish pig...


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*Performance concerns and head space*

I'm helping a friend who is doing volunteer wrenching and ride support for bike cops in training. The range of skills is wide. These guys give each other no slack at all, harass each other constantly, and just have to deal.

The solution still comes down to assessing the current performance level and breaking tasks down for teach individual. Once they cops realize that this bike thing is not a toy and that there are definite skills to be understood and acquired, things change and they start to "play nice." They move away from hormone-induced self-sabotage and focus on what needs to be done.

It must be said they they don't do this on their own but through skilled guidance. If you simply directed them to do this at the outset they would not know what you were talking about and it might not happen. Further, if you described this mechanism to them afterwards they might not get it either.

People are funny.


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## Andrea138 (Mar 25, 2009)

There's a lot of good advice here, so I'll give bad advice:

Go with him to a group ride (make sure there are good looking men included on said ride). Ride however you feel like riding, and dump him for the nice guy that doesn't mind waiting for you.


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## midgetmafiosa (Oct 8, 2009)

chuky, i <3 you. and what's more; i agree with you. this *is* a common theme with women, whether it's a blanket generalization or not. having taught snowboarding, i'll vouch for it there, too. the "no apologies" rule is INCREDIBLY difficult for some women to follow, even if it isn't your issue, cresis. we've got a thread going on in the women's lounge right now called "i suck but i love it" or something like that. it's not an apology, but it is a qualifier. the thread isn't "i'm just learning, and i love it" or even "i may not be the greatest, but i love it" but an outright slam of the OP's abilities in a "fun" way in order to celebrate how much she enjoys riding. that's just one example.

i believe that giving women a cheering squad is the most effective way to coach them at anything - encouragement, not a "do this or you're a pansy" approach is going to get smiles and results in MOST situations. and i think it translates to relationships as well. since women and men respond to different things, men don't always provide that cheering squad in the most effective way for their SO. (the fact that it's your SO, not someone else is another issue altogether - i always tell couples that if they love each other, they should pay for a lesson!) maybe it would help to tell your SO what motivates you instead of just what frustrates you. sometimes they just don't know what you want to hear - there's a great article in bike magazine this month called "celebrating the awesome" or something like that - it's by a guy who figured out how to stop frustrating himself and demotivating his wife on rides when she finally told him to celebrate all of the good stuff she was doing. worth checking out, at any rate.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*The waiting thing*



Andrea138 said:


> dump him for the nice guy that doesn't mind waiting for you.


may be done while courting but we are finding out that in some cases as a steady diet it can disappear in the long run.

I told you I didn't ant to get too much into the romance thing.


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## Andrea138 (Mar 25, 2009)

Hey, I told you it was bad advice...


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## gabrielle (Jan 2, 2005)

connie said:


> But if you tell them to go do their own thing and they decide they'd rather hang with you and chat... then drop the worry and stress. If they didn't have fun then I guess they'll know to take you up on your offer to ride separately next time, eh?


This is it, right here. Everyone involved has to trust everyone else involved to be truthful about what they want.

gabrielle


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## gabrielle (Jan 2, 2005)

Impy said:


> Chuky's point is right on in this, though, which is, if someone asks you to ride with them, make the 100% assumption that you are wanted on the ride.


A few years back, this woman I rode with regularly invited me to come along with a different group. We got to the trailhead and she said "Now, gabrielle, these women are _really_ fast, so you're going to have to work hard and keep up today."

Needless to say, I did what the hell I wanted that day, and I don't ride with her anymore.

/derail

gabrielle


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## LyndaW (Jul 22, 2005)

chuky said:


> The ride I lead actually has a rule - you aren't allowed to apologize. No "I'm sorry I suck" "I'm sorry I'm holding you up" "I'm sorry your ride sucks because I'm here" or any of the accompanying litanies allowed. No one wants to hear the misery song. What they want is to see their beginner friend, whom they gave up their ride for, having fun and smiling and learning to love something we love too.


Chuky - Great rule!

I have a rule with my coaching like that. Instead of saying sorry, you change that to "I need"

Instead of saying "sorry I ____" you say "I need _____"

OK Carry on with topic ;-)


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## mo0se (Jul 31, 2006)

*You mean something like this?*

From the passion forum..
http://forums.mtbr.com/showthread.php?t=637923


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## Wylie (Mar 19, 2007)

First off, I agree with basically everything said on this thread so far, esp Connie and Chuky. And now, I'm gonna get all armchair psychologist here, but I do have a Psy degree so what the hell...

Cresis, I get where you're coming from. For a while I used to get more nervous/defensive riding with my husband (mostly if he was following and I was really trying to push it). And here's where I'll say what no-one (except maybe Mike?) has come out and said: this ain't a biking thing. It's a relationship thing. You admitted as much when you said you liked riding with him more before you were romantically involved.

I'd look at your reaction to Chuky's message a bit more for starters. From my perspective, you can jump to defensive conclusions pretty easily, and with a complete stranger. So it's really likely you can do the same in your own relationship. And you had a need to control things too, like where the thread went here. I think you caught on already to what Connie was saying there, to just let things go sometimes and not obsess over exactly how you want them to unfold.

I hope what I say doesn't make you mad. If it helps, I've been guilty of both those things myself and I've been actively working on them in both my personal and biking lives. I still can get my hackles up when my husband tells me I "should do XYZ" regardless of whether it's on a bike or not (though thankfully the later hardly happens any more!) I will say that my riding time with my hubby got waaay better when we worked on our personal relationship more concertedly--the improvements had little to do with how good either of us are on the bike.

Courtney


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## MtbRN (Jun 8, 2006)

Wylie said:


> I'd look at your reaction to Chuky's message a bit more for starters. From my perspective, you can jump to defensive conclusions pretty easily, and with a complete stranger. So it's really likely you can do the same in your own relationship. And you had a need to control things too, like where the thread went here. I think you caught on already to what Connie was saying there, to just let things go sometimes and not obsess over exactly how you want them to unfold.


Courtney, thanks for saying what I've been thinking for the last couple of days  I'm sure I would have said it much less tactfully.

A lot of having fun on a ride is being in the moment and not having any expectations or being competitive, with yourself or anyone else (sounds like what I hear from my instructor in yoga class). I think this is a lot easier to do when you've got a few years under your belt.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Zachariah said:


> You need to maybe upgrade your guy. If it was me - I would do everything to help you become faster....even if it meant I wait for you. Nobody wants to be pressured to improve - it should happen naturally....without stress. He's even lucky his woman rides with him - many don't. What a selfish pig...


I'd like one who is a bike mechanic, car mechanic, loves to fix everything I have that is broken, and was born with a giant trust fund pleezzzee  And buys me a pony.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Andrea138 said:


> There's a lot of good advice here, so I'll give bad advice:
> 
> Go with him to a group ride (make sure there are good looking men included on said ride). Ride however you feel like riding, and dump him for the nice guy that doesn't mind waiting for you.


what if he's a lot cuter than the nice guy who rides with me?


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

midgetmafiosa said:


> chuky, i <3 you. and what's more; i agree with you. this *is* a common theme with women, whether it's a blanket generalization or not. having taught snowboarding, i'll vouch for it there, too. the "no apologies" rule is INCREDIBLY difficult for some women to follow, even if it isn't your issue, cresis. we've got a thread going on in the women's lounge right now called "i suck but i love it" or something like that. it's not an apology, but it is a qualifier. the thread isn't "i'm just learning, and i love it" or even "i may not be the greatest, but i love it" but an outright slam of the OP's abilities in a "fun" way in order to celebrate how much she enjoys riding. that's just one example.
> 
> i believe that giving women a cheering squad is the most effective way to coach them at anything - encouragement, not a "do this or you're a pansy" approach is going to get smiles and results in MOST situations. and i think it translates to relationships as well. since women and men respond to different things, men don't always provide that cheering squad in the most effective way for their SO. (the fact that it's your SO, not someone else is another issue altogether - i always tell couples that if they love each other, they should pay for a lesson!) maybe it would help to tell your SO what motivates you instead of just what frustrates you. sometimes they just don't know what you want to hear - there's a great article in bike magazine this month called "celebrating the awesome" or something like that - it's by a guy who figured out how to stop frustrating himself and demotivating his wife on rides when she finally told him to celebrate all of the good stuff she was doing. worth checking out, at any rate.


HIT the nail on the head. I find that when I ride with a group, especially with a group of women, we cheer each other on and have a blast. I actually asked my bf to cheer, and he had a really odd reaction, like "why would I do that?" He absolutely refused, and I was a little dumbfounded because I had asked nicely and I thought it would make the ride more fun :/ We ended up having a good time anyways, but it struck me that he's just not the type of person to cheer and I have to accept him that way and have my cheer fun with the other groups I ride with.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Wylie said:


> First off, I agree with basically everything said on this thread so far, esp Connie and Chuky. And now, I'm gonna get all armchair psychologist here, but I do have a Psy degree so what the hell...
> 
> Cresis, I get where you're coming from. For a while I used to get more nervous/defensive riding with my husband (mostly if he was following and I was really trying to push it). And here's where I'll say what no-one (except maybe Mike?) has come out and said: this ain't a biking thing. It's a relationship thing. You admitted as much when you said you liked riding with him more before you were romantically involved.
> 
> ...


Some of this was definitely true--we definitely have relationship things that we are working on, but one of the major things has to do with mountain biking together. Whenever I have been in a relationship with someone, it was someone who did an activity that I do, usually biking or skiing. And when I bike or ski with that person, I fall apart--emotionally and physically. So, it goes way back for me.

I was not meaning to be defensive with Chuky, but I do get upset when I feel that people say that "ALL WOMEN DO THIS." or "ALL BLACK PEOPLE...." fill in the blank. I felt that Chuky kind of got it wrong with what my specific issue was, which was more of a personal relationship + biking thing rather than an issue I have when I'm biking with anyone. My first few months of MTB I was definitely an apologizer, but I quickly learned that that was annoying and it didn't matter. However, I empathize with people who are just starting out and feel hopeless. I want to help them feel comfortable. And it's not just women, it's men, too. I often do beginner rides and help people at clinics. I have never ever in my life felt that I was giving up a workout to help someone. So, I was also annoyed when this comment was made. If you feel you're giving up your workout, then do n't do it. No one is forcing you to ride with a beginner or with people who slow you down too much when you need a workout. I get plenty of workouts in. I just want to have fun and socialize when I'm with a group sometimes. I get the feeling that with some people, there is no grey area, it's very black and white--keep up or you are a sad cyclist and you must be really emotional and apologetic, but it's just not so. I think this perception is in a lot of peoples' minds. I am not a psychologist, it is just my personal own beliefs from my mere 5 years of being a mountain biker and also from other sports. I just come at it from a different angle than others.


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## Cayenne_Pepa (Dec 18, 2007)

creseis said:


> I'd like one who is a bike mechanic, car mechanic, loves to fix everything I have that is broken, and was born with a giant trust fund pleezzzee  And buys me a pony.


Lol....I can essentially fix anything man-made. The Trust Fund I'm still working on...


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## MtbRN (Jun 8, 2006)

creseis said:


> I actually asked my bf to cheer, and he had a really odd reaction, like "why would I do that?" He absolutely refused...


You know, I may have to agree with Andrea, too. Upgrading the guy may be the way to go.

Reading this and your original post, he sounds like he is willing to criticize but sparing on the praise ("he did comment that I climbed well once. I think he was having an off day"). I dated a guy like that for a few years (he was cute, too, and had money). But riding with him was really not that fun, because it was always a competition, and I usually felt like I wasn't doing well enough.

The new guy is not as cute as the ex, he's not as wealthy (or as much of a workaholic), but he is one of the nicest people I've ever met and FUN to mountain bike with. (We're going to Crested Butte next weekend and I expect to have a blast)

You might want to take a look at the guy who waits up for you, even if he isn't as cute, or has no trust fund. Maybe you are looking for the wrong kind of guy (we all have been guilty of that)

Another thing to look at is, do your friends (your REAL friends who know you well) actually like the guy you're dating? My friends REALLY didn't like the ex. However, it still took a while for me to let go of the superficial things and see how wrong we were for each other.

oops... now back to discussing mountain biking...


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## Andrea138 (Mar 25, 2009)

MtbRN said:


> You know, I may have to agree with Andrea, too. Upgrading the guy may be the way to go.


:thumbsup:


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## sxr-racer (Nov 17, 2005)

Andrea138 said:


> There's a lot of good advice here, so I'll give bad advice:
> 
> Go with him to a group ride (make sure there are good looking men included on said ride). Ride however you feel like riding, and dump him for the nice guy that doesn't mind waiting for you.


Too Funny.


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## chuky (Apr 3, 2005)

creseis said:


> but I do get upset when I feel that people say that "ALL WOMEN DO THIS." or "ALL BLACK PEOPLE...." fill in the blank.


You are walking a fine line here. We can disagree, but comparing my advice, which is based on years of experience teaching/riding with a specific demographic (women who want to improve their bike skills) and which is boiled down into a simple answer in order to make sense on the boards, to racism, is poor form and inflammatory at best.

Additionally, you seem to be under the impression that asking a question on the boards is somehow supposed to direct all answers to your problem alone. The internet is designed to foster conversation, and sometimes, conversation drifts and other people contribute their voices or add their questions. This is what makes the internet interesting and the forums valuable.

Back to your issue:

Without demographics you wouldn't have WSD bikes, women's MTB clothing or women's only skills clinics (several of the people in this thread teach at those clinics). There are some generalizations that can be made about the women's MTB population - their typical psychology being one of them. If you are an exception to these rules, cool. I consider myself to be an exception in several ways, but that doesn't mean that we can't make some basic assumptions in order to benefit the greater population.

There are several people in this thread who have replied to your question who are also teachers for women's groups. Some of them have taught me, and vice versa (I am considering asking one of them if she will help me dial some snowboard skills  ). I have tons of respect for each one of them. The cool thing is, you can pick the advice you want from this incredibly experienced crowd. My 18 years plus Connie plus Wylie plus Impy plus Berkeley Mike plus MTBRn plus Andrea138 plus MidgetMafiosa plus Formica gives you over a century of experience to draw from.


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## chuky (Apr 3, 2005)

Lynda, we should chat sometime, it would be interesting. 

We have another rule, too. No one is allowed to say "I should have ridden that" or "I could have ridden that". It is a little harder to explain, but the theory behind this being that you are belittling your own skill building. 

An example - if there is a rock you can't ride over, this means that it is challenging your skillset. On the day that you do finally get over this rock you will have improved your skillset, right? However, if on every ride previous, you have said "I could have ridden that", the implication is that you have NOT improved your skills and instead are finally just coming up to par. By acknowledging that this rock is a challenge, we can celebrate the increase in skills on the day that it becomes something the rider can accomplish.


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## JMH (Feb 23, 2005)

I'll throw this out as food for thought... I tend to be faster than most folks, so over the last 20 years I have done a lot of waiting for men, women, :rockon:29ers:rockon: and occasionally for "ALL BLACK PEOPLE."

It's a very rare occasion that one of the guys (newb or expert) rolls up mid-ride wearing grumpy pants, it happens much more frequently with women. And I would say about half the time a guy is in a sour mood, it's because his SO is along and in a funk. Misery loves company, but nobody likes riding with a grouch. This indicates to me that there are a lot of deeper emotional currents flowing through my sisters than through my brothers when we are out riding. This doesn't surprise me.

So if MTB has somehow turned into anything besides a great way to see nature, get some exercise and let your worries melt away, it might be helpful to look inside your camelback before the next ride and see what baggage you might have in there slowing you down. Take a queue from your caveman and see if you can leave some of that at home, it makes the rides a more blissful exercise in unadulterated MTB. And yes, I include myself here because I DO ride with my wife and occasionally I allow my negative feelings to interfere with our rides.

Take this advice for what it's worth. It's taken from a general pool of experience, but it's not necessarily a generalization.

JMH


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

JMH said:


> I'll throw this out as food for thought...
> It's a very rare occasion that one of the guys (newb or expert) rolls up mid-ride wearing grumpy pants, it happens much more frequently with women. *And I would say about half the time a guy is in a sour mood, it's because his SO is along and in a funk. *Misery loves company, but nobody likes riding with a grouch. This indicates to me that there are a lot of deeper emotional currents flowing through my sisters than through my brothers when we are out riding. This doesn't surprise me.


Wait, isn't this the OP's original point? We've come full circle.

Interestingly, I posted the original post on another MTB forum that is local, private, and women only. It was a totally different conversation. Curious.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

chuky said:


> You are walking a fine line here. We can disagree, but comparing my advice, which is based on years of experience teaching/riding with a specific demographic (women who want to improve their bike skills) and which is boiled down into a simple answer in order to make sense on the boards, to racism, is poor form and inflammatory at best.
> 
> Additionally, you seem to be under the impression that asking a question on the boards is somehow supposed to direct all answers to your problem alone. The internet is designed to foster conversation, and sometimes, conversation drifts and other people contribute their voices or add their questions. This is what makes the internet interesting and the forums valuable.
> 
> ...


Ok, I get it now... sorry about that before. But basically, I don't know any of you, and I was really wanting to get some advice on how to work on *me* and staying cool with the man. I wanted to see if anyone else goes through this. So I became frustrated when the conversation seemed to be critical towards women [or others I guess, but mostly women?] who apologize too much or who are too self-critical. I think it's natural for a beginner to feel that way and I like to be empathetic towards them.

So, my bf's not evil, he's a good person with a big heart and no trust fund (that he's told me about) and I self-criticize way more than anyone criticizes me. He only gets frustrated when I am frustrated with myself, I get really stressed out when I'm biking with him sometimes. It doesn't carry over to group rides. I just don't see the connection, but if others feel it needs to be discussed in those terms, then go ahead, but it doesn't really answer my question. I did feel that there were a lot of great comments in here and I appreciate the responses.


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

chuky said:


> Lynda, we should chat sometime, it would be interesting.
> 
> We have another rule, too. No one is allowed to say "I should have ridden that" or "I could have ridden that". It is a little harder to explain, but the theory behind this being that you are belittling your own skill building.
> 
> An example - if there is a rock you can't ride over, this means that it is challenging your skillset. On the day that you do finally get over this rock you will have improved your skillset, right? However, if on every ride previous, you have said "I could have ridden that", the implication is that you have NOT improved your skills and instead are finally just coming up to par. By acknowledging that this rock is a challenge, we can celebrate the increase in skills on the day that it becomes something the rider can accomplish.


wow this is really good. I need to remember and use this.


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## supermoto (Jan 26, 2004)

Here's a thought; accept that we cannot change anyone else's attitudes, wants, desires, favorite riding speed, etc. If you truly love mountainbiking you will enjoy doing it on your own until you are fast enough or find a group of similar abilities to hang with. My suggestion is to drive to the ride with the bf, do your own ride at your own pace (it may be a shorter version), and when its over celebrate the experience that you both had (albeit not exactly together) with a cold beer. Thankfully, we have ultimate control over our OWN experience.
:thumbsup:


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

creseis said:


> I was really wanting to get some advice on how to work on *me* and staying cool with the man. I wanted to see if anyone else goes through this. So I became frustrated when the conversation seemed to be critical towards women [or others I guess, but mostly women?] who apologize too much or who are too self-critical. I think it's natural for a beginner to feel that way and I like to be empathetic towards them.
> .


Well, if this is about self-growth through getting out of perfectionism and self pressure, (ie, how do you learn to lighten up about things) it's probably a lot bigger topic than just what happens on rides. For _me_ this involved a lot of personal growth work (professional and self help), in understanding anxiety, perfectionism, my personal baggage, and all that. I still have performance anxiety riding in certain situations, and I am still learning how to deal with it and grow beyond it.


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## midgetmafiosa (Oct 8, 2009)

aside from ditching the man, i think you should sit him down with august's issue of bike magazine if you can find it. the article is called "praise the awesome." it's on page 66, and written by a guy, so hopefully it will have some magical way of putting this stuff that your SO can relate to that i can't think of here. and beyond that, really examine whether it's worth it to ride with him so much - it sounds stressful. you shouldn't have to "accept" someone's critical nature as a quirk - not when that's someone that a) should be a big support person in your life, and b) that you get to choose for yourself (i.e. not family you were born with). good luck, and go ride with girls - they'll cheer you on.


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## Cayenne_Pepa (Dec 18, 2007)

If the OP's man is the kind of guy I am thinking of - his EGO will override everything positive a sporting relationship can bring....I've been there and done just that.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*Being in love makes us act like fools*

I can recall being around certain women who left me speechless; can any of you who know me imagine that? It can just pull you right out of your game. Internal processes get all kurfuffled. It takes a definite effort to refocus and try and be normal and even with that the result is perturbed.

Changing the man? (Sometimes I wonder if people even read other people's posts for information but it is a free public site.) Even creseis says that it didn't matter which guy/relationship it was.

Peculiar to women? Sorry all, I think that issue attributes to the problem a quality of being so exotic that only certain people can understand it. Simply being a human, and therefore emotional, animal is enough to contend with.

I think, rather, that it is a matter of distraction unacknowledged. One thinks they are thinking about riding but they are not altogether focusing on that at all. They have been derailed, blindsided even. By a preoccupation with another entity it confounds the event by riding with a buffer, a remoteness to the body, and your best interactive body/'mind mechanics get warped. Try riding drunk, hungry, cold, or fatigued or for some of the ladies, during your "moons." The connections are shot.

I think the question then becomes, how does one get back on track with the SO around?


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## midgetmafiosa (Oct 8, 2009)

short of her SO being willing to compromise a little (she's made it clear she's trying to accept him for who he is), i think the question is "how can creseis have the most fun?" and the answer to that might be riding with the SO less. there's no point in riding together if both people don't work to make it fun (yes, i realize the oxymoronic nature of that statement - but it's a relationship. they take work, or at least effort).


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## mo0se (Jul 31, 2006)

I don't understand what the big rush is? To ride the trail faster every time just to end the ride sooner??? Makes sense to me.. not! That's what road riding is for. Selfishness is what it is... I rarely ride without my SO and look forward to each ride.. I couldn't care less about her speed, my speed, or anybody elses speed. The important thing is, she is there, and we share the experience. You lactic index, and HRM types are missing out. To each their own.. but if your SO doesn't want to ride with you, or does not enjoy it.. look in the mirror. Swap the lycra for baggies.. pack a camera.. leave the IPOD at home along with the cyclometer and GPS. Yes it's my opinion of what a good ride is..and frankly, I don't care if anyone approves. It's time well spent in my book.. I will leave the rushing and stressing for work... somewhere I have no control over.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

mo0se said:


> I don't understand what the big rush is? To ride the trail faster every time just to end the ride sooner??? .


To ride further of course! Why stop at 20 miles of great scenery when you can ride 60!

Partially teasing


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## MtbRN (Jun 8, 2006)

Berkeley Mike said:


> Changing the man? (Sometimes I wonder if people even read other people's posts for information but it is a free public site.) Even creseis says that it didn't matter which guy/relationship it was.


Mmmm, yeah. But we all tend to choose certain types of people to initiate romantic relationships with. And NOT always because they are the best choices for us. That kind of stuff can take a long time to figure out, and often people don't see it at all. Sometimes it takes years and therapy to understand WHY, and to change the pattern.

So if the someone tends to choose, for example, hypercritical, competitive and egotistical men to initiate relationships with, then it might be hard to engage in sports with them without feeling anxious. Just sayin'...


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## mo0se (Jul 31, 2006)

I'd rather see all 20 and quit there...  Happy face.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

mo0se said:


> I'd rather see all 20 and quit there...  Happy face.


 I love fun rides, and even more when they are with my sweetie.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*I would tread carefully with that sort of suggestion*



MtbRN said:


> Mmmm, yeah. But we all tend to choose certain types of people to initiate romantic relationships with. And NOT always because they are the best choices for us. That kind of stuff can take a long time to figure out, and often people don't see it at all. Sometimes it takes years and therapy to understand WHY, and to change the pattern.
> 
> So if the someone tends to choose, for example, hypercritical, competitive and egotistical men to initiate relationships with, then it might be hard to engage in sports with them without feeling anxious. Just sayin'...


I have no more to say about that specifically, as it is, for me, beyond the pale.

I always try to remember that we are only hearing from one person in the story, replete with selective vision and teh biases that warp the telling. I would rather focus on the person at hand than the object at issue.


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## 4MooreFitness (Aug 10, 2010)

mo0se said:


> I don't understand what the big rush is? To ride the trail faster every time just to end the ride sooner??? Makes sense to me.. not! That's what road riding is for. Selfishness is what it is... I rarely ride without my SO and look forward to each ride.. I couldn't care less about her speed, my speed, or anybody elses speed. The important thing is, she is there, and we share the experience. You lactic index, and HRM types are missing out. To each their own.. but if your SO doesn't want to ride with you, or does not enjoy it.. look in the mirror. Swap the lycra for baggies.. pack a camera.. leave the IPOD at home along with the cyclometer and GPS. Yes it's my opinion of what a good ride is..and frankly, I don't care if anyone approves. It's time well spent in my book.. I will leave the rushing and stressing for work... somewhere I have no control over.


:thumbsup:


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Why is it beyond the pale, Mike? It is a well known and observed fact that people choose mates for all sorts of subconscious and not-obvious reasons, and then wonder why things are the way they are. That being said, it's also well know and observed fact that you (generic "you") can't change other people, you can only change yourself: how you perceive things, how you react, what kind of attitude you have. I do believe OP was asking about changing her reaction, or trying to analyze it - but that doesn't change the reality of how most of us choose partners.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*In fairness I did qualify my comment*



Berkeley Mike said:


> I have no more to say about that specifically, as it is, FOR ME, beyond the pale.


What others choose to say is up to them.


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## byknuts (Aug 9, 2008)

creseis said:


> 1) He makes comments to me like, "I don't want to ride at [destination mtb place] with you because I want to ride at a pace that is more natural to me," ie, "You are too slow and I don't want to wait."
> 
> 2) Although he did comment that I climbed well once. I think he was having an off day.
> 
> 3) I know it's mostly me because when we ride together, he rides intentionally slow for me and seems to enjoy the ride, I'm the one not enjoying it. Should I just not ride with him? I wish I could enjoy it... before we dated, I really liked riding with him  We've been together over a year now.


1) "I want to ride a pace which is more natural to me" is NOT analogous to "you are too slow and I don't want to wait".
one is an expression of one person's (possibly selfish) desire.
the second is criticism and playing on one's fear of abandonment.
You say he seems to enjoy riding at a reduced pace, but you indicate that you are the one not enjoying it?
First; you can't accuse him of implying "you are too slow and I don't want to wait" if you're consciously perceiving that he's happily troddling along at reduced pace.
Second, if he truly means the second (which he hasn't said, nor seems to indicate with his happily trundling slowly) then he's a jerk and will continue to play on your fears and insecurities.

2) Why would you assume that him complimenting you could only have occurred if he was having an "off day"? He didn't say "you kept up with me, I must be tired" did he? 
You said he simply stated that you climbed well. It's a compliment, you've turned it into a back-handed insult and justify it by questioning HIS abilities that day.

3) Why is it that you rode perfectly fine and you enjoyed it before you dated, but once you started dating you no longer enjoy riding with him? You seem to be associating some link between riding performance and the emotional connection of dating. There is none.

All he said was he wanted to ride race pace with his Cat 1 friends sometimes, even though he obviously enjoys riding at different pace with you (as you stated yourself).
Should you ride by yourself? Sure! everyone should every now and then!
Why are you pressuring yourself? I don't know, but start changing by NOT linking riding a bicycle with the future of your relationship. 
They should NEVER be linked. (and I'm not saying they never are but they shouldn't be and any jerk, male or female, who says "can't keep up then pack your bags" isn't worth the worry)
Stop reading inferences that you have failed when he is just describing himself wanting to excel.
If the person hearing that is at all self-doubting you'll be forcing them into feeling they can never mention wanting to better themselves because you will take it as a hidden insult.


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## gabrielle (Jan 2, 2005)

formica said:


> wow this is really good. I need to remember and use this.


+1.


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## RIS (Nov 4, 2009)

Here's the solution:

http://forums.mtbr.com/forumdisplay.php?f=143


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## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

About a year ago I started a thread about relationships & mtb in this very forum. Basically I had met a girl on the trail and wasn't sure I was interested in going out with a girl that rode for many reasons.

I've been reading this thread from the beginning and I find it funny that, now that it comes from a woman, it's perceived as a totally different picture and recieved with insightful comments instead of free insults.

So in light of all this and the past year, I can confirm I'm a lonely rider and I prefer to ride by myself at my own pace most of the time. I'm fairly lucky in that my GF has a working schedule that allows me to ride by myself when she can't and we can still spend some time together afterwards. Being a gynecologist she also has to spend about one night a week at the hospital so I can put in longer rides when she isn't going to come back home. I can therefore have my alone riding time and when she wants to ride I can take a day off from training and ride together.

I still have a faster pace than her and probably always will given the time I spend in the saddle compared to her combined with the fact she asthmatic. Given those facts, our rides together often end up being her catching up and me waiting every now and then. Nonetheless she doesn't really bother and never gets mad and she's still very happy to progress. I gave her some tips at the beginning of the year so she worked on them and has really improved both technically and physically, now being able to do sustained 3H+ rides.

This advice that your SO can give you is, if you ask me, the key to enjoying the rides together. Let him ride behind you because it's the best position he can have to help you. If he's an experienced rider, he'll see your mistakes and can teach you some tricks. Just ask for it, it will make his ride (because it keeps him busy) and your future rides more enjoyable and, who knows, maybe you'll end up having the same or at least a closer pace so that those rides together are actually ridden together.

Not that it should work for everybody...


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Thanks for the advice, I will ask him the next time we ride if he will ride behind me for a while and give me some pointers. I get the feeling he is more happy to ride in front and just wait because when he is behind me, he always passes me after a minute or so. We rode in a group last night. He was riding sweep. I wanted to see if we could ride together, so I asked him and he said sure. I got in front of him, and soon enough he passed me. I had been riding great, but as soon as I was near him, I felt his presence and felt more nervous. I feel much more relaxed riding up with the other guys! They are very nice to me and say encouraging things, (or rather... "oh ****, how'd she get that close to me?") and he never does. I don't know why. He was very encouraging to the other ladies on the ride.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

midgetmafiosa said:


> short of her SO being willing to compromise a little (she's made it clear she's trying to accept him for who he is), i think the question is "how can creseis have the most fun?" and the answer to that might be riding with the SO less. there's no point in riding together if both people don't work to make it fun (yes, i realize the oxymoronic nature of that statement - but it's a relationship. they take work, or at least effort).


so true! *white flag*!! I like riding with his friends a lot, but I think it just puts stress on our relationship. Nobody changes, do they?!!!


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Berkeley Mike said:


> I have no more to say about that specifically, as it is, for me, beyond the pale.
> 
> I always try to remember that we are only hearing from one person in the story, replete with selective vision and teh biases that warp the telling. I would rather focus on the person at hand than the object at issue.


This is very true. I don't know if he's read this thread, I doubt it, but I wish he would in a way. I feel badly because I don't want to misrepresent his side, I can only present my side and so I'm trying to just keep everything in my perspective, what can *I* do for me.. ya know?


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Impy said:


> To ride further of course! Why stop at 20 miles of great scenery when you can ride 60!
> 
> Partially teasing


Hmmm I never want to stop riding my bike! Love it! Stupid work... Good question about riding fast though.. I definitely like to ride faster, especially over technical sections, because it's a bigger thrill. And I've got a huge competitive side *blush* and I want to win races. And someday be faster than my SO. He doesn't think I ever will, but he has no idea my level of determination. If only I could stop like breaking things


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

oops meant to delete this/posted in the wrong place.


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## wunderhorn (May 13, 2005)

...


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## TheoDog (Aug 12, 2010)

I am planning to encourage my wife to join me on trails. I intend to follow her. I know she will be much slower. We ride together on paths. I average 18 mph. together, we average 10mph or less. Its ok with me.
Of course, I don't "train," I just ride for enjoyment. and riding with her is a like a gift of combining a hobby with quality time. It is the same as my guitar hobby, I play much better than her, but I love to hear her play anyway.
Just wanted to add my boy perspective. A good question for the relationship is what is the priority? the ride or the company?


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## shredchic (Jun 18, 2007)

Hey Cresis - late to the party - I was just searching for 29'er advice and came across this, lol. But it's a great topic to bring up - so many things to respond to in this thread. Firstly, your own observations of yourself seem pretty insightful. Just copping to your part in it means you have a choice to just breathe, relax & smile the next that stressful feeling comes up again. As far as his part in it, well, he probably has his part in it as well, but this thread is not about him. I have no praise & no blame for different riding styles - some people (men or women) are really chill and don't mind waiting, and others are more about training for a race or constantly challenging themselves. And people's goals shift from one year to the next, or even one ride to the next.

Of course it's a vastly different dynamic riding with your SO than with just a friend or acquaintance - there is a lot more stuff happening behind the scenes, that's just part of being intimate with somebody. When I first started riding, my husband was already an experienced rider, and if I was having difficulty, he would spout advice (trying to "fix" me), and I'd get all snappy and cross at him ("I AM doing that..." yada yada, just like what you said!). Luckily this doesn't really come up for us (well, on our rides at least ) all that much anymore. There was a time when he worked on weekends and I didn't, so I'd ride by myself, or with other people a lot. I loved those rides. I think riding alone particularly, helped me to find out my own riding style, and find my own enjoyment of the sport independently of him. I took some skills clinics on my own, too, which helped so that I don't really need his advice, and he knows it . Also, he doesn't mind waiting for me at regroup points along the way, and I don't ever pressure him to stay and ride with me - I respect his need to cruise along at his own pace. We do ride together quite a bit these days, every weekend pretty much - and it's really fun - I love my riding buddy/mate! I can just enjoy my ride and he can as well, knowing that I'm not dependent upon him for anything, and he knows I can take care of myself, so there's less stress for him. I like trying (even unsuccessfully) to keep up with my hubby on the climbs, because I enjoy the challenge.

To be fair, I've noticed there is a certain pattern with females trying to coach their males, too. I don't know if it's a thing guys have about mom criticizing them or what, but let's just say that for gals with more skills than their male intimates, it's best to stay out of it, and just let his guy-friends do the coaching. ;-)

So, in summary, what I am trying to say is - sometimes (of course everyone is different) it may just be the case that it's best for your relationship's sake & for your mountain biking's sake to ride independently of your intimate. You can even be on the same ride, technically, but there is subtle difference when you're riding "independently" of them. i.e., your enjoyment of the ride has *nothing* to do with anything he or she does or doesn't do, and vice-versa. You just learn to give each other space, really. Delight in the fact that he's having a good time going at his own pace, and you can just sit back & enjoy your ride, and when you're all done, both of you can have big smiles on your faces.


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## midgetmafiosa (Oct 8, 2009)

shredchic said:


> To be fair, I've noticed there is a certain pattern with females trying to coach their males, too. I don't know if it's a thing guys have about mom criticizing them or what, but let's just say that for gals with more skills than their male intimates, it's best to stay out of it, and just let his guy-friends do the coaching. ;-)


um, i wasn't going to say anything, but the feminist in me just bristled a bit at this. i think you're right - men do get a bit pissy at being coached by "a woman" sometimes. but i also don't see that as a valid reason to shut my mouth. i think tone and intent have everything to do with it, and there is absolutely no good reason why a woman with knowledge that will help her SO should hold it back and hope his guy friends will pick up the slack. of course...i see very few valid reasons to shut my mouth ever, so there you have it.


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## miatagal96 (Jul 5, 2005)

Just found this forum.

Cresis--I had a very similar issue. In my case, it WAS all in my head. I felt like If I couldn't see him ahead of me, that he waited for hours at the intersection. And because of my mindset, I sometimes saw his helpful tips as criticism. Communication is key. I let him know that I have no problem if he wants to hammer with his friends. He knows how I ride, so if he chooses to ride with me, I now know that he's fine with it. Sometimes if we're riding together and he wants to hammer, he'll do an extra loop and chase me down--he loves that. I hear him yelling, 'I'm gonna get you' as he closes in on me. We talk on the way to every ride so I know if he wants to hammer, and he knows if I'm tired and want a stress-free ride.

I have accepted the fact that short of something bad happening to him, I'll never be able to keep up with him. We ride the same amount, and he's just plain stronger and has less fear.

Another thing that helps, (and don't be afraid to tell him if you need it), is that he encourages me. If I do something well, he's happy and lets me know.


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## mtnishy (Sep 15, 2010)

*Help please?*

I've recently started riding with my boyfriend. We love it so far- it's an amazing opportunity for us to spend time together and I love being able to take part in the conversations, spills, and rants about something he loves doing! In reference to the "cheering" on significant others... I really respond to it. When I have my special rides with just him, I LOVE hearing "Way to go, baby!" and "Wow, you did really well on that!" It makes me happy to hear him talk about how he's always turning around to check up on me and almost running into trees to make sure he can see that I'm okay. (Okay, maybe not the running into trees part, but you know what I mean!) 
I'm still a little scared though- he's progressing SO quickly and I'm still behind! Partly because my schedule won't allow me to ride as much (ahh, college!) and partly because I've been sick (ahh, sinus infection!). Has anyone else had this fear of being left in the dust? We haven't had the conflict of "I don't want to ride with you" yet, but I can feel it coming. He's sort of my coach right now... He's teaching me the ropes and guiding me along. However, I can sense that soon, he'll get antsy with staying back with me and want to ditch the old lady for some "real" riding. He's recommended that I start riding with other women, but I have had no inkling of any women's mountain biking rides in my area.
Any advice?


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

What area are you in? You might start by asking in your regional board, or here. It's good to develop one's own group of riding friends so you aren't dependent on an SO for your fix.


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## mtnishy (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm in Spartanburg, South Carolina. I agree that it's a good idea to find my own group of riders... I can understand how relying on my SO would be strenuous after a while. How do I find my regional board? Sorry, I'm a newbie.


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

there is a whole section in the forums drop down menu, I found this
http://forums.mtbr.com/forumdisplay.php?f=77


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## WickedGood (Aug 19, 2008)

*Another Carolina Girl*

Sorry OT : But Hey! I'm up in Asheville (and I'm a girl :thumbsup: ) so if you ever want to ride up here let me know. Bent Creek is only an hour or so from Spartanburg. I love coming down and riding Croft as well. [email protected]

My SO isn't a hardcore XC rider. He doesn't care how many miles he gets each day. He rides for the passion of riding. I can usually outclimb him and he waits for me down at the bottom (but I'm getting better hehehe) and neither of us have any complaints. We both biked before we met. Never realized how lucky I was until I read this thread.... If something ever happens to us I don't think I'll be searching out another mountain biker boy.......


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## ThePinkBarron (Aug 28, 2008)

My boyfriend (now husband) is who got me into MTB, he had been riding for years before me. After riding with him a bit I fell in love with the sport, at first it was a little nerve wracking each trip out with him because he was so much better at riding than I was, but he was really patient, even though we were on pretty easy trails for him he would lay off it, and just stay back and have fun with me, never did I feel like I was actually holding him back, though a few times after I was completely gassed and ready to call it a day, he would go ahead and ride a few more laps while I relaxed by the water or just went and did my own thing. After I got my legs under me I did a lot of riding on my own and with other groups, and I found that if we both did this, when we got back together to ride I always surprised him with how much I had progressed over the time spent riding apart. 

Now it has gotten to the point that I am just as skilled (and in some instances more skilled) on a bike as he is. So we ride together constantly, and neither one of us is holding the other back, its just a great time to spend together.


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## shredchic (Jun 18, 2007)

midgetmafiosa said:


> um, i wasn't going to say anything, but the feminist in me just bristled a bit at this. i think you're right - men do get a bit pissy at being coached by "a woman" sometimes. but i also don't see that as a valid reason to shut my mouth. i think tone and intent have everything to do with it, and there is absolutely no good reason why a woman with knowledge that will help her SO should hold it back and hope his guy friends will pick up the slack. of course...i see very few valid reasons to shut my mouth ever, so there you have it.


Oh, I didn't realize my comment could be read as anti-feminist. I don't mean to keep quiet as an act of submission towards the male overlord.  I just mean it as a matter of being sensitive towards your SO, with the assumption that both of you of you are on equal footing as adult humans. Respect for people's feelings is a two-way street, and men can tend to be sensitive about certain things that we women are not, as well as vice-versa. Heck, I don't always react well to receiving advice from my male SO. Sometimes a friend (male or female) can say the exact same thing without eliciting the same type of response. Certainly, if there is something important to say, communicating is always better than putting a sock in it.


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## Gigs (Sep 11, 2010)

I completely sympathize with this. I'm just getting into riding, and my boyfriend has been riding for years. When we go out on the weekends, I'm huffing and puffing, trying to keep up with him, while he looks as though he's not even breaking a sweat. And then when he goes out ahead of me, and stops to wait for me to catch up, I just feel horrible that he's been waiting. 

He is beyond patient with me, though. When I tell him that I'm feeling guilty that he's having to adjust his pace, and that its stressing me out trying to match his natural pace, he tells me to relax and just work on it. To enjoy the ride, and if he wants to go his own pace, he will. 

The point is, if he's being patient with you, appreciate it and don't stress. Enjoy the ride!


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## Shanonn (Oct 8, 2010)

I'm on the same page with Gigs, my HB has been riding for YEARS and I just about a year ago got into it. He's very patient with me but he and I both push. If he's willing to wait for you then right on, if not go at your own pace, one you feel SAFE and COMFORTABLE with. Trust me, it'll be better for you.


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## Altitude Junkie (Oct 16, 2010)

mo0se said:


> I don't understand what the big rush is? To ride the trail faster every time just to end the ride sooner??? Makes sense to me.. not! That's what road riding is for. Selfishness is what it is... I rarely ride without my SO and look forward to each ride.. I couldn't care less about her speed, my speed, or anybody elses speed. The important thing is, she is there, and we share the experience. You lactic index, and HRM types are missing out. To each their own.. but if your SO doesn't want to ride with you, or does not enjoy it.. look in the mirror. Swap the lycra for baggies.. pack a camera.. leave the IPOD at home along with the cyclometer and GPS. Yes it's my opinion of what a good ride is..and frankly, I don't care if anyone approves. It's time well spent in my book.


You said it! Different strokes for different folks and this "folk" likes to relish each moment.

I used to lead hikes in the Colorado Rockies and there were only two rules: everyone hikes as fast as the slowest member and nobody separates. When these were the parameters, choosing your hiking buds became critical. You teamed up with "your people," doing your speed, at your skill level, with your attitude. That way: no friction.

If you wanted to rachet it up a skill level or speed, all you had to do was find someone faster and more experienced than you who _shared your attitude_. I cannot stress that last part enough. If you are a ragger, hang with those who will rag on you and kick your butt into shape. If you need cheering, hang with the cheerleaders. If you hate getting left behind, find the ones who like keeping each other in view and earshot on the trail. Just don't try to turn one group member into another--it don't work, consarnit!

For instance, I used to hang out with a crazy-good climber who would do Half Dome in Yosemite as a warm up. Yet, I was barely a scrambler at the time. I asked him once, all depressed, "You know, you could be hiking with someone better," and he responded, "Hey, I like your company." When we did weekend trips, he'd climb one mountain and I'd climb another, then we'd get together for a third one the second day. And his non-outdoorsy girlfriend was happy because by the time he got home, he was ready for a major love fest. Everybody's covered.

My pet peeve is consistently negative people. I enjoy discussing upbeat topics and staying positive. I've had to clean out my address book considerably over the years but the results have been amazing: every hike or bike is wonderful. I go with the people who make me feel good or I go alone. Every trip is a guaranteed success.

AJ


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## stingray_coach (Jun 27, 2006)

Now it has gotten to the point that I am just as skilled (and in some instances more skilled) on a bike as he is. So we ride together constantly, and neither one of us is holding the other back, its just a great time to spend together.[/QUOTE]

My wife and I did the same thing. I introduced her to the sport...her skills have grown, now sometimes she waits for me.


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## LyNx (Oct 26, 2004)

I know this thread is slightly old and I probably wi.l not offer any good advice, but just wanted to share my $0.02.................

To the OP, I only read your initial post and a couple down, so not sure what happened, but if I was you I'd chill out and ride at my pace and forget about that selfish tool you call a boyfriend. 

I'd kill to find a girl that wanted to ride, no matter how slowly, it as Mo0se said, just being out there doing something together. Why rush it, especially if it's with the one you love and you're out on a beautiful trail. Heck if it were me I'd make sure the time allowed and pack a small pick-nick and take a nice leisurely stop about 1/2 way in and just chill and enjoy all the beauty I was with. 

Hope something's worked out for you.


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## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

creseis said:


> I get stressed out and bike pretty horribly when I'm with my bf. Plus, he's always biking with cat1 racers, even though he does not race. He makes comments to me like, "I don't want to ride at [destination mtb place] with you because I want to ride at a pace that is more natural to me," ie, "You are too slow and I don't want to wait."
> 
> These comments make me even more freakish when I do ride with him, because I feel really pressured to ride super fast and really well. This, in turn, makes me stiff and nervous, and not ride well or fast. Although he did comment that I climbed well once. I think he was having an off day.
> 
> Anyhow, is there anyone else in this predicament? Why do I put so much pressure on myself? I know it's mostly me because when we ride together, he rides intentionally slow for me and seems to enjoy the ride, I'm the one not enjoying it. Should I just not ride with him? I wish I could enjoy it... before we dated, I really liked riding with him  We've been together over a year now.


story of my life!!! i was a beginner, and he was 15 years into the sport. in the end, it DID make me a better rider, because chasing him thru the woods on the verge of passing out and puking was good training for me,
but i'll NEVER catch up to his speed and skills. there's just too much of a gap there. we ride together more than half the time, but there are those days where he just goes out and tears it up. 
it ends up working a little better in a group. because he goes ahead, then the other fast guys go (yes, i'm typically the only girl) then lil ol me, the "caboose" catches up at intersections. that way, he can talk with the guys while waiting for me,
but yes, i ride crappy and sloppy when i'm trying to "rush" too. then my bf looks back and has to watch me screw up because i'm scrambling.


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## RachEden (May 9, 2011)

creseis said:


> Thanks for the advice, I will ask him the next time we ride if he will ride behind me for a while and give me some pointers. I get the feeling he is more happy to ride in front and just wait because when he is behind me, he always passes me after a minute or so. We rode in a group last night. He was riding sweep. I wanted to see if we could ride together, so I asked him and he said sure. I got in front of him, and soon enough he passed me. I had been riding great, but as soon as I was near him, I felt his presence and felt more nervous. I feel much more relaxed riding up with the other guys! They are very nice to me and say encouraging things, (or rather... "oh ****, how'd she get that close to me?") and he never does. I don't know why. He was very encouraging to the other ladies on the ride.


I understand where you're coming from but from personal experience I feel like (and I have done this too) you're tying you're self worth riding to your SO praise. Granted, the first time I got a on mtb and went down a fairly technical descent it did not feel good to have my SO tell me to watch everyone else descending to see how to "do it right". On the other hand, I was out riding with a good friend last night and found it incredibly telling when he was giving me some pointers and I was thanked him for the good advice. He literally stopped in his tracks and replied that it was refreshing to get a thank you for the advice versus getting yelled at by his SO when he gives her tips.

I think it comes down to you mentally and accepting where you are. Ride to have fun and if that means riding with a bunch of girls or a group of friends do that more often. It might make you feel less pressure in the long run since riding with your SO will feel like a treat if you do it less. I'm riding solo now not due to anything bike related but in my opinion sometimes its nice to crank it out and chase people/push yourself and sometimes its nice to do a leisurely ride with someone you like/SO and have some conversation, laugh at yourself a little bit. I understand how the better person is giving up there ride in some ways, but not every ride has to be a training ride. Ride apart and than ride together, but remember you're SO is with you for a reason and you're biking ability doesn't change those reasons. Just my two cents.


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## kpeach (Apr 15, 2011)

Not that it's necessarily the same situation (I just wanted to add my experience to the mix), but for a few years I had a SO who was a pretty big jerk about "riding fast." 

Breaking up with him was probably the best decision I've ever made (for many reasons, but this issue was a telling symptom). 

Since then I've upgraded to a much more patient and kind man-- (biking and beyond) I think there is something to it!


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## Mannyace (Jul 19, 2011)

Sorry ladies did not mean to jump in your space. Came here looking for info for my gf stumbled on this thread. My gf got me in to biking, I am 24 last time on a bike was 9. Her friend and husband bike, she told me we should go with them one weekend. I work out about 5 nights a week figured biking would be a nice way to relax. First time we only did four miles total before my gf got tired. I pretty much run for miles prework out. That was about four or five months ago last weekend she hit her first trails did about 12 miles. We go biking every weekend on pavement I will zip around and always keep her in sight, on trails I ride behind her so I can make sure she is ok. When I want to drop the hammer I go by my self. But when I am with my gf its our time. Unless you are mtn biking for a living does it matter how fast you go, dont have to treat SO like competion.


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## Guerdonian (Sep 4, 2008)

Anyone else wondering as to the status of cresies' dellema? This was a resurrected thread from 2 years ago, after reading it i sort of want to know what happened. Did they work it out? did she change? did he? do they now ride together on the singletrack of life?

Obviously i am not asking for personal life details, but if she did work it out somehow maybe she has some good advice.


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## sqwill (Sep 25, 2011)

I recently got together with this girl that loves riding but she's all about road riding and I think trail and mountain riding is a lot more fun. Any way to convince her to give mountain biking a try? I don't think shes ever been on anything but paved roads.


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## Sdaniels (Oct 29, 2011)

I used to have this problem with my husband, he is better than me at everything and it ticks me off! If i'm riding with anyone else and they are faster or better skilled I don't care, but for some reason I am more competitive with him. Now we just decide how many laps we are going to do and he waits for me at the end. Them I make him do one slower lap with me after that. Everyone is different, and this seems to work best for us. : )


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## colker1 (Jan 6, 2004)

Andrea138 said:


> There's a lot of good advice here, so I'll give bad advice:
> 
> Go with him to a group ride (make sure there are good looking men included on said ride). Ride however you feel like riding, and dump him for the nice guy that doesn't mind waiting for you.


exactly. LOL. make sure to arrive VERY late to end of trail.


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## SHIVER ME TIMBERS (Jan 12, 2004)

basically your bf needs to set a ride time with you. I have days when I am riding DH with pro level riders and those days are great going real fast, jumping and all.....and then there are days I go slow with the GF....just relax and ride with her and make the day a joyful experience for the both of us.

Just ask him to set the time to ride together with not a fast pace. If he disagrees then he is selfish (show him this post) ......he could ride once a month with you easily...I get in once a week with my gal...sometimes 2


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