# Diarhea, Cha, Cha, Cha...



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

I was lucky enough to find a starbucks today not far from the trail to let some stomach issues happen. My apologies to the girl that went in there right after me. I bought a doppio on ice so that I was a good patron and not just polluting their bathroom. I might have to start bringing toilet paper with me on rides in case I'm nowhere near civilization.


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

Still feel pretty crappy (pun intended), but was still a fun and good 40 mile day with 23 on annoying pavement and 17 on trails. I got dirty and drew a little blood and punished a starbucks bathroom, what's not to like?


----------



## Marko G (Jun 24, 2009)

i can honeslty say, mtbr needs more posts like this :thumbsup:


----------



## H0WL (Jan 17, 2007)

TMI at some level. Also the technical term is the "dire rear."


----------



## Scott O (Aug 5, 2004)

Some people think it's funny, but it's really thick and runny, diarhea, cha cha cha.


----------



## koretex (May 15, 2011)

I keep a camping size roll of TP and immodium AD in my camelback as a just in case...had to use the TP once on a trail about 2 miles from the truck...thank God I had it!


----------



## BigNasty (Jan 6, 2008)

worthless without pics


----------



## Pedalphile (Aug 6, 2008)

I carry paper towels in a ziploc instead of TP. If you sweat as much as I do, TP is just about useless on the trail.


----------



## traildoc (Mar 5, 2007)

danhasdrums said:


> I was lucky enough to find a starbucks today not far from the trail to let some stomach issues happen. My apologies to the girl that went in there right after me. I bought a doppio on ice so that I was a good patron and not just polluting their bathroom. I might have to start bringing toilet paper with me on rides in case I'm nowhere near civilization.


dan:
'
I have a good friend who has had loose stools for the last 29.5 years. She has confided with me that she normally has to take two stops every ride she goes on. Apparently she was involoved in a serious bike accident that caused her to loose her colon. Rather than use TP she finds several flat smooth rectangular rocks about 5.23" long and 2.13" wide. She says she gently drags the rock over her wrecktum and flips it over and drags again. If upon the second swipe the rock shows dampness she will use the next rock.

Sometimes she says she can't find a rock to work so she will use a smooth 2.23" diameter piece of wood.

Hope that gives you another option when TP isn't available.

TD


----------



## jeffw-13 (Apr 30, 2008)

yup. i keep a pile of rocks next to the john. :thumbsup:


----------



## Seanbike (Mar 23, 2004)

I had to make an emergency deposit on a night ride last fall. I usually have some paper towels in my camelback but didn't this time. Not wanting to ruin a good pair of socks I unwrapped a couple clif bars and took care of business. Those wrappers leave much to be desired for this purpose and I won't forget some paper products again.


----------



## Aaron D (Dec 14, 2005)

I am throwing down some serious rep points doodes!


----------



## A-NON-A (Sep 21, 2008)

DUDE! I am so with you... I write a blog about that just a little while ago.... It was a funny story.

*HERE*

I also happen to be a marketing rep in my day job,,, so I live and die by the public restrooms and like you I feel obligated to buy something if I "Hiroshima" a restroom.

Poor Girl...lol


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

traildoc said:


> dan:
> '
> I have a good friend who has had loose stools for the last 29.5 years. She has confided with me that she normally has to take two stops every ride she goes on. Apparently she was involoved in a serious bike accident that caused her to loose her colon. Rather than use TP she finds several flat smooth rectangular rocks about 5.23" long and 2.13" wide. She says she gently drags the rock over her wrecktum and flips it over and drags again. If upon the second swipe the rock shows dampness she will use the next rock.
> 
> ...


That chick is hard core and rock solid.


----------



## wbmason55 (May 30, 2010)

My worst experience on a TP-less ride was a winter night ride, when my only option was to use snowballs :eekster:


----------



## picassomoon (Jun 16, 2009)

What do you guys do with the paper on the trailside when you finish? I can't imagine just tossing it on the ground near the trail. Do you try to bury it a little or something? Pack it back out? :eekster:

I've read about this carrying of TP or paper towels since I started riding but this has never been an issue for me. Many places I've ridden have been parkland anyway so there are trailheads with porta-pottys or full on bathrooms if it becomes a necessity. Never really had the full on immediate urgency when riding, so getting to an appropriate trailhead is about the worst I've had to deal with.


----------



## skullcap (Nov 4, 2010)

BigNasty said:


> worthless without pics


Exactly right. On one ride last weekend I discovered evidence that a human can have a colon the size of a VW microbus. I can't unsee that. No matter how hard I try. My misery would love some company.

I would like to respectfully suggest that a small trowel might be a good idea along with the TP. Although I don't really think even that would have covered it (pun intended) for this guy.


----------



## dietz31684 (Mar 30, 2010)

That story is full of win. Great post, sh1t happens!


----------



## 53119 (Nov 7, 2008)

destroying a bathroom @ fivebucks preride is priceless.


----------



## discombobulated_conundrum (Aug 2, 2008)

TP? Paper towels? Haven't any of you heard of baby wipes?


----------



## wbmason55 (May 30, 2010)

discombobulated_conundrum said:


> TP? Paper towels? Haven't any of you heard of baby wipes?


Most take significantly longer to break down in the environment than TP. Unless you're packing out :skep:


----------



## Eric Z (Sep 28, 2008)

discombobulated_conundrum said:


> TP? Paper towels? Haven't any of you heard of baby wipes?


+1 on the wipes. they're the best- keep a few in a ziplock bag in your seatpost or camelbak or seatbag. i probably wouldn't be able to unscrew my seatclamp fast enough though- that would suck!


----------



## dhxc (Jul 22, 2011)

i know the feeling ive laid the wood to some gas station toilets after a ride.


----------



## scrublover (Dec 30, 2003)

This is the good thing about my present location - a Dunkin Donuts on near every corner. Very convenient.

I scandalized some people out on the Sovereign trail one day. There aren't really a lot of places to be discrete about it, when you're in a real,_ real_ hurry. Gotta' remember to get further off trail next time... At least sand works well for clean up purposes.


----------



## DirtDummy (Aug 22, 2005)

use these or similar: biodegradable wipes


----------



## taj13 (Feb 16, 2010)

traildoc said:


> dan:
> '
> ... Rather than use TP she finds several flat smooth rectangular rocks about 5.23" long and 2.13" wide...
> 
> ...


By the time I found rocks, or piece of wood, the right size I think it would be too late.


----------



## Bicycleez (Jul 30, 2004)

A bear was taking a dump in the woods.
He saw a bunny hopping by and asked,"Bunny, does poop stick to your fur?"
"No", said the bunny to the bear.
With that, the bear grabbed the bunny and wiped his ass with him.

The moral of the story is that woodlands creatures can substitute for toilet paper.

If you've got nothing else, dry leaves will do the job. Just be sure you don't pick the wrong dry leaves.
It sucks coming home and having to explain to your significant other why you have one bare foot.


----------



## PretendGentleman (May 24, 2011)

picassomoon said:


> What do you guys do with the paper on the trailside when you finish? I can't imagine just tossing it on the ground near the trail. Do you try to bury it a little or something? Pack it back out? :eekster:
> 
> I've read about this carrying of TP or paper towels since I started riding but this has never been an issue for me. Many places I've ridden have been parkland anyway so there are trailheads with porta-pottys or full on bathrooms if it becomes a necessity. Never really had the full on immediate urgency when riding, so getting to an appropriate trailhead is about the worst I've had to deal with.


How you dispose of your TP (and excrement) should depend on how much the trail is used. If you're using a trail that's very popular, you'd be kind to go very far away and bury everything and make a teepee or cairn out of sticks to mark it.

If you're using a trail that's relatively unpopular, its probably reasonable to go a bit off the trail, don't worry too much about a huge hole in the ground, cover it with leaves and dirt, and still build a cairn/teepee to prevent the next guy from digging it up in his quest for the same relief.

apparently the appalachian trail has so many dumps along it from so many hikers that the local ecology is being transformed.

and go far far from water.

I always carry TP when I ride. its also good for cleaning glasses and sunglasses when everything else is wet from sweat.


----------



## dirt farmer (Mar 28, 2005)

I carry an old (approximately 10 year old) roll of TP in my pack. As you can tell, I've rarely had to use it over the years.

My question is, what is its shelf life? It seems fine, i.e. is not brittle or falling apart. Should I keep it, or replace it with a new roll?


----------



## Fuze911 (Aug 5, 2009)

I had an experience like this one not too long ago...

A buddy of mine and myself stopped by DunkinDonuts on the way to a local trail and i got myself a greezy sandwich of sorts with some iced coffee. About 3 miles into the trail, i starting to feel a little....full. Almost like a pregnant woman crowning. (yea now get that image in your head) I knew right then and there that this DD trip was not the best idea i've ever had. 

Long story short, i couldn't hold myself together and let it all go in the most remote part of the trail section i could find that the moment. Had no towels, tp, dry leaves....had to use both my socks! Must say that the Sette Nix shoes are fantastic because i rode home not only lighter, but still comfortable even with out socks.


----------



## jellytronics (Sep 4, 2009)

Fuze911 said:


> I had an experience like this one not too long ago...
> 
> A buddy of mine and myself stopped by DunkinDonuts on the way to a local trail and i got myself a greezy sandwich of sorts with some iced coffee. About 3 miles into the trail, i starting to feel a little....full. Almost like a pregnant woman crowning. (yea now get that image in your head) I knew right then and there that this DD trip was not the best idea i've ever had.
> 
> Long story short, i couldn't hold myself together and let it all go in the most remote part of the trail section i could find that the moment. Had no towels, tp, dry leaves....had to use both my socks! Must say that the Sette Nix shoes are fantastic because i rode home not only lighter, but still comfortable even with out socks.


good lord! product placement everywhere! 

if i recall correctly, you have photographic evidence of this...


----------



## Fuze911 (Aug 5, 2009)

jellytronics said:


> good lord! product placement everywhere!
> 
> if i recall correctly, you have photographic evidence of this...


I have to spare these good people their eyes....and dignity.


----------



## ric426 (Jul 13, 2007)

skullcap said:


> On one ride last weekend I discovered evidence that a human can have a colon the size of a VW microbus. I can't unsee that. No matter how hard I try.


Hey, be careful! I was reading through the forums on my lunch break and laughed so hard when I read this I almost choked on my PBJ.

That leads me to wonder why I was reading this particular thread while eating lunch. You'd think the title alone would be enough to make me steer clear. Obviously, I got no class...


----------



## Fuze911 (Aug 5, 2009)

ric426 said:


> Hey, be careful! I was reading through the forums on my lunch break and laughed so hard when I read this I almost choked on my PBJ.
> 
> That leads me to wonder why I was reading this particular thread while eating lunch. You'd think the title alone would be enough to make me steer clear. Obviously, I got no class...


Class....i wrote that while eating lunch. :/


----------



## Atomik Carbon (Jan 4, 2004)

*In Addition.....*

It is nice to find a spot between 2 small trees with about 2" diameter trunks to hold on to.....


----------



## ChipM (Jul 12, 2007)

This thread cracks me up, bravo.


----------



## skullcap (Nov 4, 2010)

That's right. Laugh at my pain. You didn't see it. It was a pile bigger than my head _with the helmet on_. Dotted with TP and still steaming. You wouldn't be laughing if _you_ had seen that. Thank goodness I didn't witness the creative act. Childbirth indeed.


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

wbmason55 said:


> My worst experience on a TP-less ride was a winter night ride, when my only option was to use snowballs :eekster:


I've had a few events after a night of spicy nachos or wings where that would have really hit the spot...


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

If only the toilets could read these stories about the horrific crapping that went on in the woods and they could realize the huge bullets they have dodged in the process...


----------



## ric426 (Jul 13, 2007)

I wonder what it says about me (or us?) that this is the most enjoyable thread I've read in a long time. Eh, like I give a crap...

Oh... sorry. :bluefrown:


----------



## SkaredShtles (May 13, 2007)

Please do NOT leave baby wipes out there - don't bury them. Take 2-3 sandwich-sized ziplocs and pack out your refuse, please!


----------



## cifex (Sep 11, 2009)

So wrap the baby wipes that would take perhaps a couple years to break down in the woods in a petroleum product that takes thousands of years to breakdown in a landfill? That about the gist of it?


----------



## TheotherH (Jan 21, 2004)

OMG what a funny post but it is the reality when the 'urge' hits you when riding.

I carry TP in a ziplock in my camelback and bury the TP with the deposit. In the Pacific Northwest, ferns work quite nicely when TP not available.


----------



## Mellow Yellow (Sep 5, 2003)

I'm at my desk laughing to myself while my co-workers are wondering what is so funny. I just can't bring myself to explain to them that I'm laughing at a thread about grown adults pooping in the woods during their mountain bike trips. LOL!!


----------



## client_9 (Apr 28, 2009)

*an upper decker*

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=upper%20decker


----------



## Jlee197853 (Mar 15, 2004)

scrublover said:


> This is the good thing about my present location - a Dunkin Donuts on near every corner. Very convenient.
> 
> I scandalized some people out on the Sovereign trail one day. There aren't really a lot of places to be discrete about it, when you're in a real,_ real_ hurry. Gotta' remember to get further off trail next time... At least sand works well for clean up purposes.


SAND!!! That has to be uncomfortable when you get back on the bike


----------



## texacajun (Jan 20, 2004)

I used to do a ton of 7+ hr roadtrips. Hopping off the interstate to use the bathroom at a fast food place then hopping back in the car without buying something quickly became known as a McWhiz or McDump.  I'm thinking the OP's could be tagged a Starbruuuup! :thumbsup:


----------



## client_9 (Apr 28, 2009)




----------



## TheotherH (Jan 21, 2004)

_How to Sh*t in the Woods: an environmentally sound approach to a lost art_
http://books.google.com/books/about/How_to_****_in_the_woods.html?id=xTA72GxFjasC


----------



## Justin Credible (May 10, 2011)

This is great! Took me a while to read through, my legs are numb bc I have been on the toilet for so long. Lol now my girl is calling me wondering what's taking so long... Great thread. Oh yeah they make a book how to shat in the woods? Awesome


----------



## Nenbran (Dec 7, 2010)

Epic thread is epic.

Fortunately for me, I've yet to have an emergency on the trail. I have a pretty good ability to hold it back until I get home.


----------



## SkaredShtles (May 13, 2007)

cifex said:


> So wrap the baby wipes that would take perhaps a couple years to break down in the woods in a petroleum product that takes thousands of years to breakdown in a landfill? That about the gist of it?


I hear cigarette butts degrade faster if you throw them out the window than if you put them in a garbage bag that goes to the landfill.


----------



## Nenbran (Dec 7, 2010)

SkaredShtles said:


> I hear cigarette butts degrade faster if you throw them out the window than if you put them in a garbage bag that goes to the landfill.


Exactly.

cifex, It's not about how fast something degrades. It's about keeping it contained. Hence why dumps/landfills exist. Duh.


----------



## SCTreeHugger (Jun 22, 2005)

Funny you mentioned, I felt my stomach brewing while out on a dawn ride this morning. That type of feeling where you know you have 30 seconds to take care of business or else... so I quickly dropped the bike and ran up a hill and dropped a deuce. Unfortunately, I had no TP in my pack, so I ended up wiping my a$$ with a sock and buried it with the crap. I considered using leaves but the thought of getting poison oak on my bunghole ruled that out pretty quick. 

Usually I carry TP but you know how it goes, that one time you don't have something, you need it!


----------



## desrcr (Feb 8, 2004)

I've come home sockless.


----------



## singlesprocket (Jun 9, 2004)

best thread! took a poop by the humber river today. lit a smudge fire with cedar to keep the bugs away...


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

Wow, I'm shocked at how often this affects other people and will be adding a plastic bag with some TP squares to my camelbak... Hopefully a bear stumbles into my TP wad and is grossed out by it and then I'll feel some sort of retribution for the times I've run over bear doo-doo while on the trails. It makes me look forward to my next trail dump!


----------



## fourtyounce (May 2, 2006)

jeffw-13 said:


> yup. i keep a pile of rocks next to the john. :thumbsup:


ROFL! This thread is hilarious


----------



## SlowerThenSnot (Jul 16, 2004)

Did the passion forum get invaded by Jr Highers?


----------



## jimbowho (Dec 16, 2009)

#1 The heavy duty blue paper towels you get at the auto parts stores work perfect.

#2. No pun! On a knarly downhill, Never just assume it's only a fart.


----------



## cherrybomber (Mar 25, 2004)

scrublover said:


> This is the good thing about my present location - a Dunkin Donuts on near every corner. Very convenient.
> 
> I scandalized some people out on the Sovereign trail one day. There aren't really a lot of places to be discrete about it, when you're in a real,_ real_ hurry. Gotta' remember to get further off trail next time... At least sand works well for clean up purposes.


give new meaning to scrublover


----------



## Lawson Raider (Jul 24, 2006)

I am "fortunate" to have IBS which makes things interesting. It really loves to act up when I am going on a ride. I can be free from problems and as soon as I want to go ride, it hits like a train. Have to really think hard on management to keep it under control.


----------



## Cujo (Jun 10, 2004)

When you're sittin in the dirt and it comes out like a squirt...diarhea cha cha cha.


----------



## 4SEVEN3 (Aug 12, 2007)

Threads like this makes me want to sell the road bike and hang with MTB guys all the time......You guys rock!!! I wonder what would happen if ya started a Hershey Squirt thread in the Weight Weenie section in RBR???

Keepin it real....like a Micro Bus size Colon Pickle!


----------



## Sisco_28601 (Mar 16, 2007)

Pedalphile said:


> I carry paper towels in a ziploc instead of TP. If you sweat as much as I do, TP is just about useless on the trail.


If you went so far as to sharing this with us, you might as well share how you found out TP was useless...


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

I've decided that the culprit of my foul bowels was most likely a moldy camelbak. Make sure to keep those bladders clean!


----------



## dtd80 (Apr 29, 2011)

FUNNY thread! I always keep a ziplock of TP with me. Haven't yet needed to use it but I'll carry it forever just for that "one time". As far as rocks and wood, I hope the wood/rock is extremely smooth. Wouldn't want splinters or gashes down there.


----------



## Kneescar (Feb 26, 2009)

traildoc said:


> dan:
> '
> Rather than use TP she finds several flat smooth rectangular rocks about 5.23" long and 2.13" wide. She says she gently drags the rock over her wrecktum and flips it over and drags again. If upon the second swipe the rock shows dampness she will use the next rock.
> 
> ...


So if a rock is 5.23 long and 2.15 wide it's a no-go?

If I'm that absent-minded that I forgot the tp, it's a given that there's no tape measure in my camelbak.

Last time I crapped in the woods I stood up from the squat position, looked around to see where I'd left my bike, turned a couple times and stepped in what I just deposited. Not my finest hour.


----------



## Lumbee1 (Dec 16, 2004)

I had to drop some Indian on the side of the trail once. Word of warning, when wiping with leaves, don't wipe too hard or your fingers will go through the leaf.


----------



## Berkley (May 21, 2007)

Marko G said:


> i can honeslty say, mtbr needs more posts like this :thumbsup:


Wholeheartedly agree!


----------



## terrasmak (Jun 14, 2011)

Lumbee1 said:


> I had to drop some Indian on the side of the trail once. Word of warning, when wiping with leaves, don't wipe too hard or your fingers will go through the leaf.


Building a crapper pack now after reading and thinking about stuff like this.


----------



## skullcap (Nov 4, 2010)

danhasdrums said:


> I've decided that the culprit of my foul bowels was most likely a moldy camelbak. Make sure to keep those bladders clean!


Yikes! Glad you're feeling better. I'm sure Starbucks is breathing a sweet, fresh, sigh of relief.


----------



## Pedalphile (Aug 6, 2008)

danhasdrums said:


> I've decided that the culprit of my foul bowels was most likely a moldy camelbak. Make sure to keep those bladders clean!


Empty the reservoir promptly after each ride and store in the freezer. I do this and get away with one baking soda rinse per year. No growth, no runs. :thumbsup:


----------



## v3biker (Jun 1, 2009)

See! I told ya not to 'do it' trail side with the bears and the deers, and weird hobos in the woods!

It wasn't the drink that caused you the 'crappy' day, you've contracted black bear STD, which one of the symptoms is really nasty diarrhea (to start). Now comes the symptoms of an itchy butt.


----------



## Newmason (Jun 12, 2011)

Sockless! I've come back shirtless before. Luckily it was a nice day


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

Pedalphile said:


> Empty the reservoir promptly after each ride and store in the freezer. I do this and get away with one baking soda rinse per year. No growth, no runs. :thumbsup:


Done!


----------



## PretendGentleman (May 24, 2011)

Kneescar said:


> Last time I crapped in the woods I stood up from the squat position, looked around to see where I'd left my bike, turned a couple times and stepped in what I just deposited. Not my finest hour.


oh yes, I've also engaged in such dishonorable behavior. sh|t's hard to clean out of all the nooks and crannies in your shoes

and running water would make it easier, but either you have to fill up a container and walk away from the stream(responsible behavior) or contaminate the water source with your own brand of e.coli (irresponsible behavior).


----------



## Moozh (Jan 20, 2010)

lol...this thread should be a stiicky...get it..sticky!!! No applause necessary..

Fear of being midway through a trail ride on a rather well traveled trail with no public or porta-potty in sight and a sudden need to drop-deuce-NOW is a sizable fear. I have a decent supply of brawny kitchen towel sheets at the ready I'm just highly concerned about the privacy issue...but I'm sure I'll bulldoze my way through the brambles, thorns and fire-ants to squat down behind as big a tree as I can find and let er go if the occasion demands it...


----------



## Atomik Carbon (Jan 4, 2004)

*I just remembered about this........*

Had to go real bad and ride ended at the Beach. Took me awhile to isolate myself and let one go. Man you shoulda seen the small fishes. No TP needed.

So next time, try to find a body of water if you have no TP and make sure there is nothing down river.


----------



## wv_bob (Sep 12, 2005)

Tacos yesterday before riding was not a good idea but it did give me the opportunity to post in this thread ... sure was happy to make it out of the woods and to the park facilities, and there was even TP in stock.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

this thread just keeps giving


----------



## H0WL (Jan 17, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> this thread just keeps giving


Who knew this thread would have staying power; I thought it would have pooped out long ago. I'm not anal about keeping up with the most recent posts plus I've been too wiped out from dropping the kids off at the pool to check in on a regular basis.


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

Mellow Yellow said:


> I'm at my desk laughing to myself while my co-workers are wondering what is so funny. I just can't bring myself to explain to them that I'm laughing at a thread about grown adults pooping in the woods during their mountain bike trips. LOL!!


me too! i'm dying here! i hate to admit it, but i love poop. i love threads like this. i swear i've got the mind of a 12 year old boy and my mom never lets me forget it.

i'd share a story of my own, but i dont have any...cuz you know, girls dont poop


----------



## TunicaTrails (Jun 29, 2009)

"Well, I wish you good night
But first **** into your bed and make it burst.
Sleep soundly, my love
Into your mouth your arse you'll shove."

- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart


----------



## dwnhlldav (Feb 2, 2006)

TheotherH said:


> _How to Sh*t in the Woods: an environmentally sound approach to a lost art_
> http://books.google.com/books/about/How_to_****_in_the_woods.html?id=xTA72GxFjasC


I have that book. It's amusing, but didn't really teach me anything new.


----------



## dwnhlldav (Feb 2, 2006)

Just remember, if you only need half of your map, make sure you wipe with the side you do not need.

I was doing a ride where myself and a buddy were taking a short cut and meeting up with the group again. I had to go. So I went out into the woods to do my business. Some biting flies found me and started having their way with my nether regions. In my haste to get done, I used the wrong half of the map. After running through the woods with no shorts on to get away from the flies (I find I'm much less likely to soil my shorts accidentally if I remove them completely) I got dressed and realized that I'd used the wrong half. My buddy and I never rejoined the group, but make it back to the car before a massive thunderstorm opened up on us.

Unfortunately my friend will forever have the image of me running through the woods with no pants, flailing my arms and screaming BEEEEES ala Tommy boy:


----------



## Garthhog (May 7, 2007)

This time of year I usually sweat my diarhea into constipation anyway... so no worries for me. I wouldn't hug me, though...


----------



## Cassafrass (Oct 17, 2010)

June Bug said:


> Who knew this thread would have staying power; I thought it would have pooped out long ago. I'm not anal about keeping up with the most recent posts plus I've been too wiped out from dropping the kids off at the pool to check in on a regular basis.


LOL!!

Best post in this thread!


----------



## Cassafrass (Oct 17, 2010)

I've definitely had to bail off the trail and pedal the longest 1.3 miles of my life down the road to a Shell station. I wasn't convinced I could get far enough off the trail to not be seen in my nice red-and-white shirt. 

I am also reconsidering my riding socks now.... I don't want to need to "use" my good socks!!!


----------



## nikojan (Jun 18, 2011)

This thread is disgusting, you should all be ashamed...


----------



## eauxgod (Jun 15, 2004)

gotsta gotsta doodoo!!!!


----------



## Ganymede_Illusion (Mar 12, 2011)

Oh, a poop thread.


Two instances and one accident.

Went deep into the woods about 3 miles and then I just really had to crap bad that it hurt. Obviously I knew I was doomed and could not ride to a store and that it was inevitable that I am going to have to release right there..now. I fastly rolled to a stop, dropped the bike, walked into the woods(afraid someone would see me) and took a crap. I didn't even care about clean-up...All I know it hurt and I was uncomfortable. I ended up calling it a day, took off my shirt, wrapped it around my butt like a diaper, put my shorts back on and rode home.

Instance #2

Running a smooth trail next to a river and this is after I ate some burgers, cheese, a DR.Pepper ect ect.... The urge came on strong and again I knew it was inevitable that I was not going to make it to the store. So knowing the river was down there, I found some rocks in a shallow section, sat down in the water, slipped off my shorts and I let everything go...literally...it washed away down-stream and cleaned my crack too... Make sure you do this with butt pointed downstream.

I did not care about kyackers, fish or fisherman at that point...all I knew is that I now felt great and had a hell of a soft ass now lol.

Instance #3

I was in the woods.....and I shiat in my shorts.... 

nuff said.


----------



## Ganymede_Illusion (Mar 12, 2011)

Also while riding some trail I went by someone's "mess" It was human obviously because the toilet paper gave that away..

I almost puked.

Oh and I made a buddy laugh out loud at speed, he was in back of me riding my tire and I farted...an audible power fart and apparently stinky, because we both stopped from uncontrollable laughing before we crashed and he made puking gestures. 

OMG I am laughing again right now.....classic.


----------



## jyoder (May 18, 2010)

All of this talk I'd making me have to...you know..."take the Browns to the Super Bowl"


----------



## dirtrash (May 18, 2010)

this thread is AWSOME! I laughed so hard i almosed crapped myself...


----------



## trailtrash (Jun 25, 2009)

Newmason said:


> Sockless! I've come back shirtless before. Luckily it was a nice day


i hope you;re female
don;t tell us and ruin my vision.


----------



## kennbenny667 (Jan 13, 2004)

The worst is finding yourself freshly sockless when the bell rings for "Round 2." 

That sense of "LIKE A BOSS" get's "wiped away" pretty quickly...


----------



## SilkMoneyLove (Nov 1, 2010)

*Thought about this thread today*

I had a mushroom swiss burger before I hit the trail. While far away from everything I felt some pressure and thought "Oh no, I do not want to poop my pantaloons!" but fortunately, it turned out to just be a regular, trustworthy fart.:thumbsup:


----------



## TraumaARNP (Oct 13, 2005)

A colostomy bag would fix what ails most of you guys.....what a schitty thread.....

*LMFAO.................................*


----------



## Lumbee1 (Dec 16, 2004)

SilkMoneyLove said:


> I had a mushroom swiss burger before I hit the trail. While far away from everything I felt some pressure and thought "Oh no, I do not want to poop my pantaloons!" but fortunately, it turned out to just be a regular, trustworthy fart.:thumbsup:


As the saying always goes, never trust a fart.


----------



## SilkMoneyLove (Nov 1, 2010)

*Carefully done*

I was very, very careful with that fart. I hear you really have to worry once you are older than 40.


----------



## elder_mtber (Jan 13, 2004)

*Worst ever experience on the trail today*

Today I suddenly got sick like that (D) on the trail. Plus I lost all strength/energy and could not walk for a while.

Never ever been sick like this from heat or exertion. I really dunno WTF.

I had plenty of water, a Power Bar brand gel pack and a Harvest bar. Did not consume any of the gel or Harvest bar. My tummy was sick and my body did not seem to be calling for food. Drank water and ran some of it on my forearms for cooling, but I don't "think" I was overheated.

Anyway, some hikers helped me get kinda going and with their help I made it back to the car.

I just realized about an hour ago that I hardly thanked any of my semi-rescuers - jeez, what a self-centered jerk I was. Sorry everyone.

This happened about 12 hours ago, and big D has not stricken me for over an hour. My tummy still does not feel right, though.

Still no clue concerning the cause.

Terry


----------



## rockerc (Nov 22, 2010)

In the early 70s I spent 2 months in the Elburz mountains in N. Iran on an archaeological expedition, and we ran out of TP after a few weeks. There was nothing in the mountains apart from what they grew or raised there, and the nearest stores were at least a 2 to 3 day trek/drive out of the mountains. We reverted to the local 'way of doing things': next to every hole in the ground was a water jug... you only use one hand to eat with out there... go figure...
Crapping is considered a social occasion there, and many was the time that I was squatting behind a boulder or wherever, and a wandering local would appear out of nowhere, wreathed in smiles, pull down his pants and take a dump next to me, chatting away incomprehensibly all the while...


----------



## Straz85 (Mar 20, 2009)

Fortunately I have only had to go #2 in the woods once while riding, I had TP with me and nobody was around. I did feel bad that I had no way to carry the TP out, I buried it.


----------



## TraumaARNP (Oct 13, 2005)

rockerc said:


> In the early 70s I spent 2 months in the Elburz mountains in N. Iran on an archaeological expedition, and we ran out of TP after a few weeks. There was nothing in the mountains apart from what they grew or raised there, and the nearest stores were at least a 2 to 3 day trek/drive out of the mountains. We reverted to the local 'way of doing things': next to every hole in the ground was a water jug... you only use one hand to eat with out there... go figure...
> Crapping is considered a social occasion there, and many was the time that I was squatting behind a boulder or wherever, and a wandering local would appear out of nowhere, wreathed in smiles, pull down his pants and take a dump next to me, chatting away incomprehensibly all the while...


Brings a whole new meaning to _"shootin' the schit."_


----------



## Guest (Aug 1, 2011)

danhasdrums said:


> I was lucky enough to find a starbucks today not far from the trail to let some stomach issues happen. My apologies to the girl that went in there right after me. I bought a doppio on ice so that I was a good patron and not just polluting their bathroom. I might have to start bringing toilet paper with me on rides in case I'm nowhere near civilization.


i carry TP in my camelbak for just that reason. i have felt you um, "pain" before, far, far from any appropriate facilities...


----------



## Guest (Aug 1, 2011)

danhasdrums said:


> I was lucky enough to find a starbucks today not far from the trail to let some stomach issues happen. My apologies to the girl that went in there right after me. I bought a doppio on ice so that I was a good patron and not just polluting their bathroom. I might have to start bringing toilet paper with me on rides in case I'm nowhere near civilization.


i carry TP with me now at all times in my camelbak...i have felt your um, "pain" before...far, far from any appropriate facilities...


----------



## S_Trek (May 3, 2010)

If no TP
1. Underwear(If wearing)
2. Socks 
3. Jersey(start cutting)
4. Trail stuff
5. Head home.


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

Pedalphile said:


> I carry paper towels in a ziploc instead of TP. If you sweat as much as I do, TP is just about useless on the trail.


Baby wipes ftw.


----------



## AZ (Apr 14, 2009)

Finch Platte said:


> Baby wipes ftw.


I carry a small package of them in my hydration pack.


----------



## trailof (Mar 18, 2010)

Ganymede_Illusion said:


> Oh and I made a buddy laugh out loud at speed, he was in back of me riding my tire and I farted...an audible power fart and apparently stinky, because we both stopped from uncontrollable laughing before we crashed and he made puking gestures.
> 
> OMG I am laughing again right now.....classic.


I have a friend that calls that "crop dusting". You never let him lead.


----------



## Zombie John (Jun 17, 2011)

4SEVEN3 said:


> Threads like this makes me want to sell the road bike and hang with MTB guys all the time......You guys rock!!! I wonder what would happen if ya started a Hershey Squirt thread in the Weight Weenie section in RBR???
> 
> Keepin it real....like a Micro Bus size Colon Pickle!


Haven't you read "Hot Wing Disaster?"


----------



## Guest (Aug 1, 2011)

Sisco_28601 said:


> If you went so far as to sharing this with us, you might as well share how you found out TP was useless...


ohhhhhm MAN!


----------



## COTarHeel (Apr 30, 2011)

Newmason said:


> Sockless! I've come back shirtless before. Luckily it was a nice day


 Shirtless?!! Socks couldn't get the job done? Screw a deuce, you must've dropped a doce.

I've always carried some tp in a ziplock bag on rides. Never had to use it myself, but I've had some friends who were mighty happy I had it.

Did have an incident trail running once. A *different* kind of cramp started and eventually I had to walk. Then it hit me like a punch in the gut and I knew I only had about 10 seconds. Made it all of 3 feet off the trail before my brain involuntarily made me pull my shorts down. It was all over by the time I was down in squatting position. Had to waddle around some poison ivy to get safe leaves to tidy up with.


----------



## S_Trek (May 3, 2010)

mikeb said:


> i carry tp with me now at all times in my camelbak...i have felt your um, "pain" before...far, far from any appropriate facilities...


camelbak= baday=


----------



## TraumaARNP (Oct 13, 2005)

I don't have any of these aforementioned problems; I eat right, (no junk food, tacos, french fries, Doritos, and other sordid non-nutritional value foods), especially the night before a full day of XC riding. I hydrate well before starting, I have a complete and totally unadulterated 110% bowel evacuation, followed by a thorough scrub down of my sub-Olympian Greek body type, pack several servings of sushi/sashimi, salmon skin rolls, and a dozen or so chemical free, homemade, beef jerky strips (for when I'm in a pedestrian mood), and a thoroughly cleaned and sanitized Camelbak filled with home filtered ice water. You guyz with the schitz while riding only makes me wonder what crappola you stuff your collective Temples with, and what kind of sanitary conditions you practice and live in.


----------



## S_Trek (May 3, 2010)

TraumaARNP said:


> I don't have any of these aforementioned problems; I eat right, (no junk food, tacos, french fries, Doritos, and other sordid non-nutritional value foods), especially the night before a full day of XC riding. I hydrate well before starting, I have a complete and totally unadulterated 110% bowel evacuation, followed by a thorough scrub down of my sub-Olympian Greek body type, pack several servings of sushi/sashimi, salmon skin rolls, and a dozen or so chemical free, homemade, beef jerky strips (for when I'm in a pedestrian mood), and a thoroughly cleaned and sanitized Camelbak filled with home filtered ice water. You guyz with the schitz while riding only makes me wonder what crappola you stuff your collective Temples with, and what kind of sanitary conditions you practice and live in.


sub-Olympian Greek body, Temples?:skep:


----------



## TraumaARNP (Oct 13, 2005)

S_Trek said:


> sub-Olympian Greek body, Temples?:skep:


Yes, my body is my Temple, and it's sub-Olympian....shall I translate to Sczehuan for ya'?


----------



## Steeljaws (May 2, 2010)

TraumaARNP said:


> Yes, my body is my Temple, and it's sub-Olympian....shall I translate to Sczehuan for ya'?


+ rep your way, Adonnis. 

P.S. I'm no fruit, so keep your salivating PM's to yourself, or send them to someone who cares.


----------



## habsfan (Jun 10, 2011)

OMG, 5 or so years ago I was in the Cranmore Olympic park (Alberta) on one of the upper trails and I had one of the most explosive decompression dumps on the side of the trail - I mean I was literally in no-mans land, and a group of bikers went by and one of the guys said "oh man, what crawled up your azz?" and I replied back, "whatever it was is crawling back out" - they almost fell over laffing so much.

You can't make this chit up. :eekster:


----------



## bubu13 (Apr 4, 2010)

Bad case of diarrhea... :ciappa:


----------



## Guest (Aug 2, 2011)

TraumaARNP said:


> Yes, my body is my Temple, and it's sub-Olympian....shall I translate to Sczehuan for ya'?


分體希臘奧林匹亞

there you go...


----------



## TraumaARNP (Oct 13, 2005)

mikeb said:


> 分體希臘奧林匹亞
> 
> there you go...


Thank you....saved me the trouble; + rep your way.


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

I haven't read all the replies in this thread, but I'd really like for 'diarrhea' to be spelled correctly at least once here. :thumbsup:


----------



## cifex (Sep 11, 2009)

Finch Platte said:


> I haven't read all the replies in this thread, but I'd really like for 'diarrhea' to be spelled correctly at least once here. :thumbsup:


Way to **** on our spelling......


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

cifex said:


> Way to **** on our spelling......


Lol. You could have used 'crap' and it wouldn't have starred out.


----------



## kwrides (Oct 12, 2010)

rockerc said:


> In the early 70s I spent 2 months in the Elburz mountains in N. Iran on an archaeological expedition, and we ran out of TP after a few weeks. There was nothing in the mountains apart from what they grew or raised there, and the nearest stores were at least a 2 to 3 day trek/drive out of the mountains. We reverted to the local 'way of doing things': next to every hole in the ground was a water jug... you only use one hand to eat with out there... go figure...
> Crapping is considered a social occasion there, and many was the time that I was squatting behind a boulder or wherever, and a wandering local would appear out of nowhere, wreathed in smiles, pull down his pants and take a dump next to me, chatting away incomprehensibly all the while...


I experienced this in Saudi. I walked into the bathroom, saw a hole in the floor, and a hose that I assumed was for washing the floor. You should have seen the look on my face when they told me why there was no TP in the room...


----------



## TraumaARNP (Oct 13, 2005)

kwrides said:


> I experienced this in Saudi. I walked into the bathroom, saw a hole in the floor, and a hose that I assumed was for washing the floor. You should have seen the look on my face when they told me why there was no TP in the room...


That's what your left hand is for.


----------



## jacobhdylan (Aug 3, 2011)

*Kleenex*

Kleenex in the soft to-go pouches.

From the squirts to the sniffles, you'll be covered!


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

ok, so i have to tell this story. never told it to anyone else, so instead, why not tell it to hundreds of strangers?
doesnt involve bikes, though it does involve a mongoose (the animal type), so, close enough, right?

ok, so i have a cast iron gut. i can eat anything, and never worry about it. i have to be very ill in order to have a stomach episode, so i consider myself lucky. So years ago, on a vacation at an island, the family went to a nice beach on the ocean. it wasnt a crowded boardwalk beach, it had woods and stuff. so i had this nasty stomach ache, and when i went up to the bathrooms, they were closed for maintenance. i returned 3 times after, to still the same issue. bathrooms were closed. finally i was like, screw this. i ran into a patch of woods full of thorns and bramble, but i dindt care. i ended up in a small clearing of mongoose burrows. it was like a big dirt circle full of mounds and holes, like a whole mongoose colony. i was like "sorry guys!" and uloaded on their kingdom. it needed to be done. 

thanks for reading.


----------



## kwrides (Oct 12, 2010)

TraumaARNP said:


> That's what your left hand is for.


Ooh Rah!


----------



## Guest (Aug 4, 2011)

NicoleB28 said:


> ok, so i have to tell this story. never told it to anyone else, so instead, why not tell it to hundreds of strangers?
> doesnt involve bikes, though it does involve a mongoose (the animal type), so, close enough, right?
> 
> ok, so i have a cast iron gut. i can eat anything, and never worry about it. i have to be very ill in order to have a stomach episode, so i consider myself lucky. So years ago, on a vacation at an island, the family went to a nice beach on the ocean. it wasnt a crowded boardwalk beach, it had woods and stuff. so i had this nasty stomach ache, and when i went up to the bathrooms, they were closed for maintenance. i returned 3 times after, to still the same issue. bathrooms were closed. finally i was like, screw this. i ran into a patch of woods full of thorns and bramble, but i dindt care. i ended up in a small clearing of mongoose burrows. it was like a big dirt circle full of mounds and holes, like a whole mongoose colony. i was like "sorry guys!" and uloaded on their kingdom. it needed to be done.
> ...


you're lucky it wasn't a bunch of these things...


----------



## chas_martel (May 14, 2006)

Reminds me of ..........

Explosive Diahhrea

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story
by Anonymous

Funniest darn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night, which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated… perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good ****. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a ****.



I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that cannot be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of **** at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, such a thing would not have bothered me, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.



Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over **** no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of **** the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The **** wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the **** wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of **** remaining on about one-third of the seat rim, which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist… and directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in **** that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid ****. All while thick **** was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no friggin toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.



About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.


----------



## habsfan (Jun 10, 2011)

I almost crapped myself laffing.


----------



## kwrides (Oct 12, 2010)

Wow. Just wow.


----------



## singlesprocket (Jun 9, 2004)

whoops... wipe...


----------



## Reposado Man (May 31, 2005)

A buddy of mine has a chronic problem with this. Kind of like my dog, he gets "excitement diarrhea..." often returns from rides sock less!


----------



## flatliner (Jun 23, 2011)

who needs a starbucks....

I like to duece one out while leaning up against a tree reflecting in nature....might come back missing a sock or too.


----------



## rockerc (Nov 22, 2010)

NicoleB28 said:


> ok, so i have to tell this story. never told it to anyone else, so instead, why not tell it to hundreds of strangers?
> doesnt involve bikes, though it does involve a mongoose (the animal type), so, close enough, right?
> 
> ok, so i have a cast iron gut. i can eat anything, and never worry about it. i have to be very ill in order to have a stomach episode, so i consider myself lucky. So years ago, on a vacation at an island, the family went to a nice beach on the ocean. it wasnt a crowded boardwalk beach, it had woods and stuff. so i had this nasty stomach ache, and when i went up to the bathrooms, they were closed for maintenance. i returned 3 times after, to still the same issue. bathrooms were closed. finally i was like, screw this. i ran into a patch of woods full of thorns and bramble, but i dindt care. i ended up in a small clearing of mongoose burrows. it was like a big dirt circle full of mounds and holes, like a whole mongoose colony. i was like "sorry guys!" and uloaded on their kingdom. it needed to be done.
> ...


Jeez, When I started reading this I thought you were gonna tell us you had to USE one of the Mongooses, (Mongeese?), to wipe your butt with!!! 
Thanks for not doing that...

Oh, and to Mr Anonymous at Ryan's Steakhouse... What did you expect after FOUR plates of food??!!? Well told story tho...


----------



## buppus (Aug 6, 2011)

But then he saw this. . ..


----------



## swizzroller (Sep 9, 2010)

Motivational Poster BELIEVE AND SUCCEED Picture


----------



## manabiker (Jul 18, 2010)

Take some Viagra with you, like the little boy sitting on the toilet with a bad case of Diarhea, he yelled,
" Mommy give me some Viagra" "what on earth for?, replied Mommy", "I have real bad Diarhea, and thats what you give daddy when his ***** won't get hard!!!!"


----------



## Scott O (Aug 5, 2004)

Finch Platte said:


> I haven't read all the replies in this thread, but I'd really like for 'diarrhea' to be spelled correctly at least once here. :thumbsup:


What next? Are you going to expect to spell derailer correctly? I mean, derailler. Deraileur.
Deraileur. (I seriously can't figure out how to spell it without using spell check and I've now derailed this lovely thread)


----------



## Ricko (Jan 14, 2004)

I was riding with a large group and I felt the urge to dump so I dropped to (what I THOUGHT was) the back of the pack. There I was, squatting with my pants around my ankles next to a tree when the last three women in the group came pedaling past. All I could say was "mornin' ladies"...talk about embarrassing moments!


----------



## Noclutch (Jun 20, 2010)

Are all of the people suggesting the carrying of "TP" on the trail referring to toilet paper or tampons.
If it's the later, I don't think that is such a good idea :nono: But to each his/her own.


----------



## 853sir (Apr 21, 2011)

Never trust a fart! 

I was running in a half marathon when the person in front of me thought she had to fart when a burst of diarrhea exploded out of the left leg of her shorts mid stride. Thankfully, I was passing her on the right side.


----------



## Ricko (Jan 14, 2004)

853sir said:


> Never trust a fart!
> 
> I was running in a half marathon when the person in front of me thought she had to fart when a burst of diarrhea exploded out of the left leg of her shorts mid stride. Thankfully, I was passing her on the right side.


Maybe not an actual roll of TP but I like to carry a couple of folded up hand wipes in my pack that can have a variety of uses including arse wiper. You never know when *****'s gonna happen!


----------



## Scott O (Aug 5, 2004)

Bout 6 years or so ago, during the Vermont 50 race, Buddy came upon on another rider during a long slow climb. As he made his way up beside this other rider, he gave the obligitory, "How's it going?". Other rider says, "Awful! I've got a horrible case of diarea!". Without hesitation, Buddy replies, "Well, I hope that;'s mud on your leg", in reference to the brown liquid covering his lower limbs. Other rider did not find any humor in this. Musta been diarea.


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

forget the bike**** thread. this is still the best.


----------



## Boyonabyke (Sep 5, 2007)

NicoleB28 said:


> forget the bike**** thread. this is still the best.


----------



## pitbull30 (Jun 29, 2008)

did i just read 3 pages of this thread?


----------



## 2ridealot (Jun 15, 2004)

> Not wanting to ruin a good pair of socks I unwrapped a couple clif bars and took care of business. Those wrappers leave much to be desired for this purpose and I won't forget some paper products again.


I think you would have gotten a much. better wipe from the clif bar than the wrapper. my .02


----------



## 0010 0110 (Sep 20, 2011)




----------



## spazzy (Aug 15, 2004)

I always have a roll of mountain money in the truck and some wipes in the pack. You never know when nature will call.


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

glad somebody shat life back into this epic thread!


----------



## 0010 0110 (Sep 20, 2011)

I posted that video because i once fell back in a group ride to take a ****. Well one of my buddy turn back around to see if i was ok and first thing he said was "you know im not the brightest person around but from right here, you look like our taking ****" lol 

good times...Just a bump to keep this thread alive


----------



## hazardousmtb (Sep 26, 2011)

i have to bump this thread, its soooo damn FUNNY!


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

it really is a thing of beauty.


----------



## hazardousmtb (Sep 26, 2011)

NicoleB28 said:


> it really is a thing of beauty.


i read every post lol


----------



## sfgiantsfan (Dec 20, 2010)

I went to ride a couple weeks ago and the only other car in the lot was the Luna Chick team van. I thought that's cool, I love MTB chicks. I unloaded my bike, changed my shoes and started to feel a little funny. I thought maybe I should hang around for a couple minutes to make sure I was ok because there was a bathroom back about 1/4 mile down the road. As I'm waiting the Luna chicks all show up from their ride and start packing up their gear, they see me wave hello, I wave back, ask about the trails etc. These women are hot, just back from the ride, talking to me and all of a sudden.... I turned around mid sentence, throw my bike in the rack and floor it out if the parking lot. Psycho.


----------



## Tails8 (Apr 27, 2010)

Some co-workers and I were getting ready to head out when that urge happened. We usually park in a school parking lot cause the trailhead it 1/4 mile away. The schools admin building is in the same lot and I always see people coming and going so I know the doors are open. So I start walking over and politely ask the lady at the front desk if I can use their facilities. It was bad, really bad. We're talking curry in a hurry type stuff. I really felt bad for the next person that used that bathroom cause, unless I was hallucinating, I saw the bathroom tiles fading. 

But that wasn't the end. The trail we rode on has a steep climb right at the beginning. Now I'm one of those guys that takes a long time to warm up. So about halfway thru the climb my stomach starts hurting again. Only this time it's coming up the other end. So I stop. My buddy Greg is right behind me thanking me for the break. I just look over at him and say, "ummm you might not wanna stand there", he takes cue and says he will meet me a little ways up. I lose it and felt better instantly. The rest of the ride was a blast after that. No pun intended.. 

Tails


----------



## TitanofChaos (Jun 13, 2011)

jeffw-13 said:


> yup. i keep a pile of rocks next to the john. :thumbsup:


"what's the deal with the three seashells anyways?" positive rep for anyone who gets the reference :thumbsup:


----------



## big terry (Apr 22, 2012)

TitanofChaos said:


> "what's the deal with the three seashells anyways?" positive rep for anyone who gets the reference :thumbsup:


demolition man! only remember that because i used to have the hots for sandra bullock.


----------



## big terry (Apr 22, 2012)

btw this thread is almost as epic as the skoors kid.


----------



## roblee (Sep 26, 2011)

Forget about the woods when I`m out riding I poop on people`s lawns,decks and porches.


----------



## bunnymun (Apr 5, 2009)

Dont know whether to laugh or cry?


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

The thread really saved my ass (or shorts) as the TP squares in a plastic bag made it to my backpack and since then has received one very crucial use...


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

danhasdrums said:


> The thread really saved my ass (or shorts) as the TP squares in a plastic bag made it to my backpack and since then has received one very crucial use...


will you please give a detailed play-by-play?


----------



## thegooddoctor (May 16, 2012)

I didn't realize this was such a problem for so many. My wife and I ride a lot in remote areas of Utah, Colo, Nevada etc and always have brought TP. I think I have had TP in my ski touring and biking kits since I can remember. In the desert or non combustible areas you should burn it, otherwise bury it a bit. One funny thing, we are so addicted to mountain biking on new trails/new hike-a-bikes that when we run into a new trail in way out areas we both usually have to take a dump. Anticipation of the coming hours of exploration/hike a biking are enough to get us going. Go figure?


----------



## .WestCoastHucker. (Jan 14, 2004)

i just flip my bike over, give the cranks a few good spins and them back up onto the wheel...


----------



## ASiameseCat (Aug 21, 2011)

I will be carrying a travel size pack of moist toilet wipes from now on during longer rides after reading a couple pages of this thread .


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

danhasdrums said:


> The thread really saved my ass (or shorts) as the TP squares in a plastic bag made it to my backpack and since then has received one very crucial use...


Pics or it didn't happen! :ciappa:


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

junior1210 said:


> Pics or it didn't happen! :ciappa:


I'm surprised you're cajoling me to take trail side emergency poo pics... This is not a good idea at all.


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

Sorry I just couldn't resist. That has to be one of the best phrases ever, especially in inappropriate settings.


----------



## tjscrogins99 (Aug 14, 2012)

got in a nice long STANDING ride recently after undies were sacrificed to the Doo Doo gods


----------



## gnewcomer (Jul 2, 2011)

oh man this thread should have stayed buried.... under a bunch of leaves and a teepee



gnewcomer aka OldMtnGoat


----------



## dietz31684 (Mar 30, 2010)

I was riding the other day and saw this. I specifically thought of this thread and stopped to take a pic.

Cha, Cha, Cha hit someone hard.


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

is that a thumb blur in the bottom corner? a necessary poop covering blur? or maybe even a poop cloud?

karma for wearing white hanes briefs.


----------



## The Grouch (Dec 31, 2010)

Just go to the dollar store and buy a small pact of baby wipes. The pack I bought is a little bit bigger than a pack of cigarettes, and worth every penny.


----------



## wbmason55 (May 30, 2010)

tjscrogins99 said:


> got in a nice long STANDING ride recently after undies were sacrificed to the Doo Doo gods


Why were you mountain biking in undies? Why did you have to stand after you took them off?


----------



## Mosquito1 (Mar 6, 2007)

.WestCoastHucker. said:


> i just flip my bike over, give the cranks a few good spins and them back up onto the wheel...


:thumbsup: Now begins the tread pattern discussion ...


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

Mosquito1 said:


> :thumbsup: Now begins the tread pattern discussion ...


Knobbies vs slicks?:ciappa:


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

#1] I can't believe I'm responding to this thread, but here it goes.

Whenever I'm bound up I hit my local coffee shop and immediately follow it up with a ride. This system never fails to produce. And BTW my Camelbak always has a fresh supply of T.P.


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

^^ Welcome to the dark side (figuratively speaking).:lol:


----------



## Piratefly (Oct 26, 2012)

If you're riding up a hill and you hear something spill: diarhea, cha cha cha

Use a rock to wipe. Don't use a leaf. Too much bad stuff can grow on them. You don't want fungus in your bungus.


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

Piratefly said:


> If you're riding up a hill and you hear something spill: diarhea, cha cha cha
> 
> Use a rock to wipe. Don't use a leaf. Too much bad stuff can grow on them. You don't want fungus in your bungus.


Whaaaaaa? That's crazy talk! I'd much rather have fungus on my bungus than a rock on my c*ck!


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

Finch Platte said:


> Whaaaaaa? That's crazy talk! I'd much rather have fungus on my bungus than a rock on my c*ck!


So what you're saying is you don't want your @ss between a rock and your hard place.:smilewinkgrin:


----------



## bigbadwulff (Jan 18, 2012)

Charmin to Go. Best thing ever. Imodium, second best thing ever. And we know nothing grows on rocks.....right. Bacteria can eat rocks.


----------



## jmike1487 (May 18, 2010)

#1 the Charmin to go is now going in the camelbak!

and up until a few weeks ago its never been a issue with making it to a bathroom to do my "duty". haha
I was out riding with two of my buddies who stopped to grab something out of his bag. It was a full roll of Charmin and he was off to the races running in the woods looking for a secluded spot! I have never laughed so hard at someone in my life! I guess he couldnt have waiting the 20mins left in the ride back to a real bathroom! I have seen alot of these posts never thought i would get the chance to post in this thread!


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

damn, if he's taking a whole roll instead of a few squares, he must have been scarred from a very messy past experience and felt the need to over-stock.

or he has a huge camelback


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

Maybe extra protection from poison oak,ivy etc.....


----------



## GelatiCruiser (Oct 11, 2012)

Need a Manpon son!! LOL

Actually I carry a couple of these:


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

LOL!!!!! Manpon SON!!!!


----------



## Demodude (Jan 27, 2007)

In the words of Louie CK, "goddammit, every trip to the bathroom is an emergency"! (At his age)


----------



## MattC555 (Mar 24, 2011)

When you're ridin two by two 
And your partner smells like poo
Diarrhea cha cha cha


----------



## shibiwan (Sep 2, 2012)

This thread made me run off to make a deposit in my office restroom.

-S


----------



## marpilli (Feb 8, 2011)

I've found the holy grail.

I was in a local electronics shop today (picking up parts for bike lights) and I saw this:









How awesome is that? They're about the diameter of a nickel and expand when wet. I bought 10 of them and will put a few into a zip-loc bag in my pack. If an emergency arises I can squirt some bottled water on there (or come up with a less savory solution) and save a sock or two. :thumbsup:


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

yay!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Compared to the Sham Wow which holds "12 times its weight in liquid", the Magic Cloth has potential... Let us know how it works for you :thumbsup:


----------



## Kanik (Sep 28, 2011)

marpilli said:


> I've found the holy grail.
> 
> I was in a local electronics shop today (picking up parts for bike lights) and I saw this:
> 
> ...


Hahahaha, man, I can't imagine having to wipe with those things. Did you even look at the expanded one?


----------



## marpilli (Feb 8, 2011)

Kanik said:


> Hahahaha, man, I can't imagine having to wipe with those things. Did you even look at the expanded one?


Yes, I even fondled the expanded one for a bit to imagine how it might work.  No worse than a "wet wipe" and I can still come out of the woods with both socks.


----------



## shibiwan (Sep 2, 2012)

marpilli said:


> Yes, I even fondled the expanded one for a bit to imagine how it might work.  No worse than a "wet wipe" and I can still come out of the woods with both socks.


My wife always carries a pack of "Boogie Wipes" with her. It would fit in a small saddle bag... hmmm. *lightbulb*


----------



## Mosquito1 (Mar 6, 2007)

+1 for a travel size pack of baby wipes and a plastic grocery bag to pack 'em back out. They also work well for cleaning wounds. And you get to keep both socks and gloves. :thumbsup:


----------



## bigbadwulff (Jan 18, 2012)

Wet wipes? Really? Can't stand to wipe with something wet. Sorry. All that does is smear...nasty


----------



## marpilli (Feb 8, 2011)

bigbadwulff said:


> Wet wipes? Really? Can't stand to wipe with something wet. Sorry. All that does is smear...nasty


You must not have kids. 

Once you do, you'll discover the "technique" to using wet wipes. I swear I could clean off tar with wet wipes after becoming a father of three kids.


----------



## Mosquito1 (Mar 6, 2007)

marpilli said:


> You must not have kids.
> 
> Once you do, you'll discover the "technique" to using wet wipes. I swear I could clean off tar with wet wipes after becoming a father of three kids.


:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

NicoleB28 said:


> me too! i'm dying here! i hate to admit it, but i love poop. i love threads like this. i swear i've got the mind of a 12 year old boy and my mom never lets me forget it.
> 
> i'd share a story of my own, but i dont have any...cuz you know, girls dont poop


You should change your handle to Nicole*BM*28. 

And btw, have you seen/heard this song?





Here are the lyrics, in case you can't make them out. 

The toilet's flooded, the load won't fit
The toilet's flooded with the great big ****
The toilet's flooded, the load won't fit
The toilet's flooded with the great big ****

There was this dude his name was Ted
He just stopped over and he said,"I'd go outside if I had to pee
But I got a big ole doo-doo inside of me."
He disappeared, but he wasn't gone long
We finished lunch he was still in the john
We didn't have a clue 'cause he didn't cut a fart
But what he left in my bowl was a work of art

CHORUS

We all went in to take a peek
What happened next knocked us right off our feet
It jumped out of the john, it jumped out of the bowl
It had no morals, it had no soul
It slimed around our carpet like a mud-colored slug
It left a foul-smelling trail that soiled the rug
I went to get a baseball bat to kill that thing
But it zapped around the house like brown lightning

CHORUS

He took a record dump known across the nation
Now we gotta use the service station

CHORUS


----------



## junior1210 (Sep 9, 2011)

Mr Handy strikes again. Heidy-Ho!!!


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

thats genius!


----------



## dirtdan (Jun 27, 2011)

The dump in the song sounds like it was really high on the Couric scale...


----------



## tartosuc (May 18, 2006)

just found this thread, so funny!

long time ago after a race i was riding back to the campsite when a poop emergency arised...
No trees with leafs, nothing with me to use for wiping the mess (imagine the 80's all dress in lycra, no camelback to carry things). Luckyly the norm back then was to have a cycling cap under the helmet...the cap stayed by the trail...


----------



## telemike (Jun 20, 2011)

*sweater*

The worst attack in years, miles from the Lynch Canyon TH, no paper towels or TP. Wait, look. Someone lost their down sweater!


----------



## NicoleB (Jul 21, 2011)

so glad this opus of a thread is still flowing nice and strong and smelly


----------



## longhaultrucker (Jan 24, 2007)

This is a pretty crappy subject,LMAO,but I always carry a baggie with babaywipes for this issue (and ain't afeered to use em if needed-I pack em out in a seperate baggie though   )


----------



## yellowzx (Feb 16, 2008)

You guys have no imagination, I have a 10ft minimum, I climb at least 10ft up a tree and giggle. Like a little girl as I watch it hit the ground.


----------



## jacklikesbeans (Feb 18, 2011)

yellowzx said:


> You guys have no imagination, I have a 10ft minimum, I climb at least 10ft up a tree and giggle. Like a little girl as I watch it hit the ground.


Dang R Kelly, I don't have to just watch out for bears and snakes on my trails but also grown men pooping on me from the trees. haha


----------



## Mosquito1 (Mar 6, 2007)

jacklikesbeans said:


> Dang R Kelly, I don't have to just watch out for bears and snakes on my trails but also grown men pooping on me from the trees. haha


Bears and snakes and falling bombs. Though, Im not sure this describes 'grown' men.....


----------

