# Need Some Advice.



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Hello. 
I just found out when I was drying off after a ride, I have a crack.
I was wondering if anyone else has had to deal with a cracked ass, and what did you do to fix it?

Thanks Eric.


----------



## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

Surgical grade super glue? Glue your cheeks together? There may be some unwanted side effects though.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

You need to take it by your LBS and have a knowledgeable staff member familiar with asses give it a thorough inspection. They can tell you if it is safe to ride on, if it can be repaired, if you'll need to ship it back to the manufacturer, or if it's ready for the trash heap.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Your problem is obvious, it's the fix that's complicated.

Your problem:









The fix:


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

chazpat said:


> You need to take it by your LBS and have a knowledgeable staff member familiar with asses give it a thorough inspection. They can tell you if it is safe to ride on, if it can be repaired, if you'll need to ship it back to the manufacturer, or if it's ready for the trash heap.


I could get a second opinion, butt even I know it's just worn. Lets face it, it's over half a century old, it's bound to have suffered some fatigue. 
According to the FRA, my ass is due for mandatory retirement. They don't even let freight cars get that old, unless they go to a museum...

The crack stopped spreading at a hole at one end. Maybe I should drill a hole at the other end and weld it up?

I did get some good news. 
Apparently my ass is so old, I can register it with the state as a "Classic Ass". 
It'll be exempt and I can do anything I want with it after that.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

What do you do if your crack is horizontal?


----------



## Phillbo (Apr 7, 2004)

Don't go down a slide. You'll make some strange noises


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> What do you do if your crack is horizontal?


First try to get it in a vertical position where it's easier to assess the situation.
Then, if it has a hole in one end, and I suspect it does, drill a hole in the other end and weld it. 
If a crack has a hole at each end, it will stop spreading. 
Phillbo is right though, it will make strange noises.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> First try to get it in a vertical position where it's easier to assess the situation.
> Then, if it has a hole in one end, and I suspect it does, drill a hole in the other end and weld it.
> If a crack has a hole at each end, it will stop spreading.
> Phillbo is right though, it will make strange noises.


The good news is never had any issues with melvins/wedgies.
Bad news is it's hard to find pants that fit properly.

I'm a little confused on how to weld it. Could you please draw me a diagram?


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

I fervently hope none of you lot are proctologists...


----------



## Sven Trials (Sep 15, 2005)

Go with the crack Spackle. Work every time!


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> The good news is never had any issues with melvins/wedgies.
> Bad news is it's hard to find pants that fit properly.
> 
> I'm a little confused on how to weld it. Could you please draw me a diagram?


What!?!? 
Are you trying to trick me into getting banned? 
Not to mention your "other" might not approve of my research to create blueprints. 
Jeeze I just realized something. If you have a horizontal component to your crack, you must have a bilateral crack developing.

Maybe some white glue. 
Or adhesive caulk.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> What!?!?
> Are you trying to trick me into getting banned?
> Not to mention your "other" might not approve of my research to create blueprints.
> Jeeze I just realized something. If you have a horizontal component to your crack, you must have a bilateral crack developing.
> ...


Oh no!!! I appreciate all your kindness and wisdom to ever do such a thing a horrible thing.

I was concerned about a bilateral crack developing, however I do have some good news.

It all started last year when I fell down the stairs and the dang then went horizontal on me.

This evening I fell off my chair during dinner and everything went back to normal :thumbsup:.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Fuzzle said:


> Oh no!!! I appreciate all your kindness and wisdom to ever do such a thing a horrible thing.
> 
> I was concerned about a bilateral crack developing, however I do have some good news.
> 
> ...


Get that thing checked ASAP by a doctor. I'm thinking that's not normal for your age.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Get that thing checked ASAP by a doctor. I'm thinking that's not normal for your age.


What's normal? Can you expand on this a bit for me?


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Oh no!!! I appreciate all your kindness and wisdom to ever do such a thing a horrible thing.
> 
> I was concerned about a bilateral crack developing, however I do have some good news.
> 
> ...


That's interesting... Your bilateral crack likes to change positions.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Fuzzle said:


> What's normal? Can you expand on this a bit for me?


Normal: The positioning of your crack should stay vertical.



Ericmopar said:


> That's interesting... Your bilateral crack likes to change positions.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Normal: The positioning of your crack should stay vertical.


Well now I have a more pressing matter! When I fell off the chair I hit my head.

I went to look in the mirror and noticed I now have a slow eye!!!


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Normal: The positioning of your crack should stay vertical.


That's not very imaginative. When dealing with crack issues a person needs to be creative.



Fuzzle said:


> Well now I have a more pressing matter! When I fell off the chair I hit my head.
> 
> I went to look in the mirror and noticed I now have a slow eye!!!


Will you stop being so sexy. 
Tease...


----------



## Brisk Eddie (Jun 23, 2014)

The answer is obvious, the universal repair medium....Duct Tape. Just be sure to leave a little opening for expanding gasses, or there could be a problem.


----------



## Brisk Eddie (Jun 23, 2014)

Or this

https://www.geekologie.com/2012/07/09/crack-cleavage-1.jpg


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> That's not very imaginative. When dealing with crack issues a person needs to be creative.
> 
> Will you stop being so sexy.
> Tease...


Are you calling me a sinner?


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Are you calling me a sinner?


Well gee wiz, you're the one that started telling all the guys about your slow eye. 
That's about as sexy as it gets.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> Well gee wiz, you're the one that started telling all the guys about your slow eye.
> That's about as sexy as it gets.


I have a bone to pick with you Ericmopar!


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> I have a bone to pick with you Ericmopar!


I'm sorry. Was that slow eye thing supposed to be just between us?

A woman in a eye patch is sexy.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> I'm sorry. Was that slow eye thing supposed to be just between us?
> 
> A woman in a eye patch is sexy.
> 
> View attachment 1020718


You betrayed my trust by telling everyone on the other thread about my issue. Now girl on bike knows and other women can't be trusted.

By the way, the eye in the ad is all wrong. The lazy eye is moved to the outer corner but comes in by a 1000th. of an inch so it's not all the way over.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

It may be time to cross post... :devil:


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> You betrayed my trust by telling everyone on the other thread about my issue. Now girl on bike knows and other women can't be trusted.
> 
> By the way, the eye in the ad is all wrong. The lazy eye is moved to the outer corner but comes in by a 1000th. of an inch so it's not all the way over.


I'm sorry. I had to look that up. You're right, now they know about your bilateral crack issue. That should have stayed here in my "Need Advice" thread...


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> I'm sorry. I had to look that up. You're right, now they know about your bilateral crack issue. That should have stayed here in my "Need Advice" thread...


Well I hoped you learned your lesson.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Well I hoped you learned your lesson.


Like the teenager I am (at heart) I'm going to tell you "Yes I did, I'm sorry, really, really sorry". 
Then I'm going out and doing it again and again....


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

It's okay. Don't be hard on yourself. Just send me puppies and rainbows and all is forgiven.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Here you go.
The one on the top I did all by myself.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you Eric! That's the cutest puppy I've ever seen. Did you use Photoshop on the rainbow? Very pretty.

By the way, I'm probably the most immature of anyone on the OC...I just keep it on the DL.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Thank you Eric! That's the cutest puppy I've ever seen. Did you use Photoshop on the rainbow? Very pretty.
> 
> By the way, I'm probably the most immature of anyone on the OC...I just keep it on the DL.


The Rainbow is a photo I took when I was over at my mothers house doing yard work for her. 
Yes, that is _the_ cutest puppy I have ever seen too!


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Well my repair failed, now I'm leaking gas all over the place. 
Back to square one. :madman:


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> Well my repair failed, now I'm leaking gas all over the place.
> Back to square one. :madman:


Where you leaking gas from?

I'm having a bad day too.

I need a therapy thread .


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Where you leaking gas from?
> 
> I'm having a bad day too.
> 
> I need a therapy thread .


I know what you mean. I should be happy, the weather is cooling around here etc, but I'm bored out of my mind.
I don't have the money right now, but I really want to visit family in Ca.

After the content of the thread, you have to ask from where?


----------



## Guest (Oct 11, 2015)

Fuzzle said:


> What do you do if your crack is horizontal?


 You're going to need a different seat.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> I know what you mean. I should be happy, the weather is cooling around here etc, but I'm bored out of my mind.
> I don't have the money right now, but I really want to visit family in Ca.
> 
> After the content of the thread, you have to ask from where?


Eric, you confuse me sometimes. I'm sorry you are bored and can't visit family. I'm dealing with a very crazy kid and I have really bad anxiety so boredom what be quite welcomed for me.

Forster, thanks for the advice!


----------



## milliesand (Jun 29, 2015)

This thread cracks me up.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Eric, you confuse me sometimes. I'm sorry you are bored and can't visit family. I'm dealing with a very crazy kid and I have really bad anxiety so boredom what be quite welcomed for me.
> 
> Forster, thanks for the advice!


I'm the other way around, I don't have kids, so part of me wants to go visit the family with little ones.
I'm sorry if I confused you. 
Hang him upside down on a rope, and tell him he can't come down until he behaves... 
Just kidding. 



milliesand said:


> This thread cracks me up.


LOL.


----------



## Guest (Oct 12, 2015)

milliesand said:


> This thread cracks me up.


 Horizontally or vertically? Seems like a good question all replies considered.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

It can also be a bilateral crack...


----------



## milliesand (Jun 29, 2015)

All my life I've been told to get my crack up and work. I never was smart enough to question if said crack should be horizontal or vertical.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

You people are on crack.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> You people are on crack.


Daaaaaaang!


----------



## Stevebiker (Feb 17, 2004)

Ok, I seen someone with this problem on the trail the other day. Now I wonder if he even knew it and maybe I shoulda said something. Now I can't sleep.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm so angry!!! My friend Lisa is such a Yenta. She is always spreading rumors and this time it's about my son. I don't know what to do.

I guess it's what happens when your freinds get old.


----------



## Jake January (Sep 12, 2014)

this should help.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

I use Desitin. Seriously, that stuff is great and cheap.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Ericmopar said:


> Daaaaaaang!


Follow the theme, that is all nothing more nothing less.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Follow the theme, that is all nothing more nothing less.


I wonder if the OP knows that?


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

DJ and Eric. WTF crawled up everyones A$$?


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> DJ and Eric. WTF crawled up everyones A$$?


This place needs a woman's touch.

Are we being grumpy?


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> This place needs a woman's touch.
> 
> Are we being grumpy?


No. it has nothing to do with being grumpy. you men are so dense.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Wimins, never getting to the point.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> Wimins, never getting to the point.


Mindgames


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> Mindgames


Well, something seems to have upset you. I thought maybe you thought the guys were being grumpy. 
We were joking around in this thread. Then DJ said we're on crack and I said "Daaaaang!" in a deliberately exaggerated way, attempting to add into the humor of the situation, knowing DJ didn't mean it... 
Then it got weird and I still don't know if DJ was joking or not when he said he was following the theme, nothing more, nothing less. 
Did someone or someones take the "Daaaaang" seriously, as if we'd been insulted? 
I'm at a loss at this point.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

I like it when everyone jokes around. I like to be insulted so I can insult others. I'm rude, crude, mean, nasty and foul-mouthed. I've just been feeling paranoid lately. I will get over it .


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

I'm just depressed.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Ericmopar said:


> I just depressed.


I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Did something happen?


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

It's a confluence of events over a long time.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

edit


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Ericmopar said:


> Hello.
> I just found out when I was drying off after a ride, I have a crack.
> I was wondering if anyone else has had to deal with a cracked ass, and what did you do to fix it?
> 
> Thanks Eric.





DIRTJUNKIE said:


> You people are on crack.





Ericmopar said:


> Daaaaaaang!





DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Follow the theme, that is all nothing more nothing less.





Ericmopar said:


> I wonder if the OP knows that?





Fuzzle said:


> DJ and Eric. WTF crawled up everyones A$$?


Hmmm looks like the theme to me.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

This thread is driving me crackers. I hope no one else said that already, since I skimmed.


----------



## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

I skim in your general direction.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Fuzzle said:


> I skim in your general direction.


That sounds dangerous. 
We could crack up. :eekster:


----------

