# Ms Negative Nelly



## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

How does everyone do the whole riding with the "so" thing? I love my bf, he's the greatest guy ever, but he really does something to my confidence on rides! I can never keep up on climbing or descending so on rides with him I'm ALWAYS criticizing myself! So the negative comments about my (in)ability just start flying. It’s a total waste of energy I know. So yeah in addition to me being slow, I'm negative too!! Oh what lovely company I am!! 

So how do I just get over the fact that I'm never going to be at his level and that it is OKAY that I cannot keep up? I have tried over and over to suggest that we do not ride together but he won't have any of it. 

Oh my ego! 

Tiff


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## miss rides a lot (Jul 23, 2008)

Ride with a group of guys that includes those that are slower than you?

I know no matter how hard I ride, I won't be as fast as hubby, but it is always a goal to keep trying  The only time I get really disheartened is when I'm working really hard on a climb, barely hanging on, and he zips by like it's effortless. I know that it isn't, but it still really mentally bogs me down.

Look on the bright side: the harder you try to keep up with him, the faster you'll be in the end.

Try not to worry about the pecking order!


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## mtb888 (Aug 2, 2006)

I am always the dead last on the climb among the guys I ride with. Sometimes, there is a huge gap. I do not like it but sort of set a goal for me to shorten the gap. Coming from physiology background, I sort of accept that we the women have smaller lungs and heart, not to mention bigger bike wt and body wt ratio. But, of course don't give into the fact completely. 
Happy riding!!


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## jewels (Mar 17, 2004)

hi tiffany. Riding is supposed to be F U N. His level is his level and don't judge yourself on that. Your goal is to have fun, right? Solo rides are great to enjoy your own pace. It's nice he's worried about your safety, but why won't he let you ride alone? For me, I tell myself just getting out there is an accomplishment regardless if I did better or worse than the last ride. If you are slow or not techy that day, don't beat yourself up and say how crappy you are. Think of all the benefits of just riding, like your fitness and balance. Or maybe put him on a 40lb. big bike to even things out. The other thing is maybe work on a few specific skills and seeing that part of your riding improve.


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## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

Heh - if you think you're seeing frustration now, wait until the day you DO beat him up a climb, clean an obstacle he doesn't, etc. Good Lord. (The only bright side is that when you see your SO get all negative and upset you'll realize there was nothing wrong with you after all when you felt that way all those times...)

And as much as you're saying "never, never, never..." I spent years in your situation. Frustrated, and hard on myself and so slow (and negative) I could barely comprehend why anyone wanted to put up with riding with me. And I still have those days on occasion, but for the most part, on the rides that suit me, I can pretty much keep up (and I'm a lot happier even when I can't). And there are a few days here and there where I can nail something he stumbles on. I may never have the guts to try some of the bigger things he cleans, and he may always be able to beat me up hills except on his worst days (and after I've been training my butt off for months on end). But never say never. 

And do try to learn to be positive. Go out and ride with different groups of people. Teach some beginners to ride. And tell yourself over and over and over again that it's about having fun, no matter how slow you are. That no one in the group minds waiting for you - because once you're the leader and have someone apologizing to you about "holding you up" when you're enjoying the break and the scenery, you will realize that they're not just saying that to make you feel better. It's really true. If they were going on some serious training ride and needed to keep a certain pace - let's face it they wouldn't have invited you anyway. So really truly deep down accept that fact that if people ask you to ride with them - they really don't mind waiting.

Once you get to the point where you can really believe that, you can learn to focus on yourself, on having fun, on improving and enjoying the ride. And it will all get better from there.


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## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

connie said:


> Heh - if you think you're seeing frustration now, wait until the day you DO beat him up a climb, clean an obstacle he doesn't, etc.


OMG, that would be the day!!

Yeah, I do have the chance to ride with others quite a bit and it's great! I ride with people faster and slower than me. So I do know that I'm not the slowest person ever to be on a bike! Hehe I just wish I could remember that when the bf is waiting at the top for me. Then again to remember it when he tells me, oh that climb was easy huh?? Oh yeah honey, it was cake! As I gasp for air!


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## verslowrdr (Mar 22, 2004)

Ride with me- you'll feel SUPER! 

In addition to the other (normal) advice here, I'm a strong advocate of just riding solo. Once you've got some comfort level with the usual trails, you can always challenge yourself without an audience to clean something you haven't before, attempt to improve your last best time up the hill, etc.


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## SSurlygirl (Mar 4, 2007)

I remember that feeling.

I began dating an Elite racer a couple months after I got my first MTB. He tried to help me by riding behind me, telling me what to do and pointing out my errors. There were so many times I wanted to turn around and throw my water bottle at him. At one point he stopped and said in a very sarcastic tone, "you ride like a beginner" to which I replied, "I am a f**king beginner." I felt like the slowest person on a bike, and beat myself up for not being better.

For now I ride for myself, and have a rule against dating fellow bikers. I have a group that I ride with regularly, some girls, some boys. I like trying to keep up with the boys, it pushes me to ride harder. But because none of them are my boyfriend, I don't feel the pressure I use to. I've improved a lot. Next summer I'll race in the Expert class. For the time being I won't date another biker. I'm sure at some point I will because I can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone who I can't share this with, but for now it's my thing.

Your BF might not realize how frustrating your joint rides are. He obviously wants to ride with you since you've suggested not riding together and he doesn't want that. My ex and I did find something that worked. He'd go ride for several hours, and then I'd meet up with him and ride for awhile. He'd be ready for a cool down and wouldn't be so apt to hammer through the ride.

Think positive, remember it's fun. You're not the first girl to get frustrated riding with her faster boyfriend and you won't be the last. Don't let the frustration ruin biking for you or ruin your relationship.


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## Eirene (Feb 22, 2008)

^^ What SSurlygirl said!

While I didn’t date an elite racer, I did date a guy that was (is) a far better rider than I was (am). I can recall several rides with him where I found myself extremely frustrated and wondering why I was even bothering to ride. Once ride in specific, he had given me lead and was chatting up a storm behind me while I was dyin for air trying to push myself. He finally started pestering me wondering what was wrong and I snapped at him (don’t recall exactly what I said, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t nice). He got mad, jumped ahead of me and rode out the rest of the trail (about a mile or so). I felt so awful, that I just stopped and sat down on a tree stump.

Even after we broke up I still tried to ride with him. Some days it was a little better, other days it was worse. The last ride we had together I was ridin his wheel for a good portion of the ride. I could tell without him saying that it was pissing him off and at section where he knew I lacked, he pushed it harder to put distance. In a way, the fact that he pushed it to maintain that level up on me, did make me feel better but it was also B.S.! 

Since then I have ridden with other guys. The pressure is so much less and I enjoy my ride time so much more. While I don’t hold the rule SSurlygirl does about not dating other riders; in fact my current guy does ride. However when it comes to important things in our relationship riding is so far down the list, that it is just another thing we can do together. If all a guy can talk to me about is his last ride, his latest up-grades, his next or last race, how much his bike weighs and where all he’s ridden…then I politely nod and go about my day. Riding is supposed to be fun and relaxing. It’s not the guy in front, the guy behind you, what happened at the office or the super market. It’s about you, your bike and the next 10 ft (give or take a few ft) of trail. Nothing more! 


tiffanyinanthem, 
If by any chance you are local to me. Drop me a pm, I'd be happy to ride with you! Of the few female friends I have , none of them ride and I would love to ride with a fellow chic that is out there solely to have a good time and enjoy the trail.


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## SSurlygirl (Mar 4, 2007)

Eirene - I knew I recognized your avatar. You've posted on the MMBA-HOOK UP POST (always a good read). I moved from Grand Rapids, MI to Roanoke, VA in June, and I still troll the MMBA forum when I get homesick.

The move is the main reason I won't date other riders, right now I won't date anyone. I'm very independent and want to establish myself as an individual rather than a couple, especially when it comes to cycling. I don't want to ever show up at another race and be introduced as "so & so's girlfriend," or have my position on a team be contingent on who I am or am not dating.

When the next guy I date shows up at a ride or race everyone will say, "Oh you're Laura the superfast singlespeed chic's boyfriend." :thumbsup:


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## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

What worked for me was to quit riding with DH for a while, and to find other gals to ride with. There was just less pressure all around. I spent two years following my friend Shelly around the trails.


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## LadyDi (Apr 17, 2005)

IMO and with all due respect, if he's perpetually way ahead of you and "waiting", he's being a bit of a j*e*r*k. If you bother to go on a ride with someone who's not as strong as you are, you should actually ride "with" that person. If, for example, you ride with your kid, would you really blow off your kid and leave him/her in the dust? This same courtesy should extend to dates, so's, newbie friends, etc. 

My bf and I have been together 3 yrs now. He's a far better rider and I used to worry about the same things that bother you, but not anymore. It took a while for us to work out our system, but here it is: Most of the time he rides right in front of me so we can chat. Sometimes he prefers riding behind me (to admire me cleaning a tech section or whatever). But there are times I don't care for the pressure of him watching-- maybe I'm down on myself that day. Other times I might sense he's getting a little frustrated about going slow with me. So, when I want him to pull ahead and go faster, I either signal him or tell him and he knows I mean it. Sometimes I'll say, "just ride ahead and see what's around the bend" or even, "go on, catch some speed, have fun!". He'll zoom away, leaving me alone for exactly the amount of solitude I needed, then circle back and fall into pace with me again. He's happy because he gets the speed and the extra mileage he craves, yet he gets to ride with me and show me some attention, too. Special note on this: You can't give your bf the "All Clear" and then give him heck later about doing exactly what you asked. You have to mean it and he needs to trust that you do. 

Work on your speed and technique if you want to, and if it enhances your enjoyment of the sport. But don't pressure yourself to be better or faster than he is. It's not a competition after all; it's just a bike ride, and it's supposed to be fun!


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## Jaymorr (Aug 6, 2006)

*Find the Flow*

My wife of twenty five years and i ride together. We both travel at speeds that we find work for us. Whoever is in front will eventually wait for the other at certain intervals to ensure either of us has not been injured or has a mechanical. We both prefer this system as we can both get into our own flows.:thumbsup:


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## Eirene (Feb 22, 2008)

SSurlygirl said:


> Eirene - I knew I recognized your avatar. You've posted on the MMBA-HOOK UP POST (always a good read). I moved from Grand Rapids, MI to Roanoke, VA in June, and I still troll the MMBA forum when I get homesick.


LOL! That thread is a blast... just when you think it's going to dye it keeps going! I've been reading that one for months. I just could resist posting.

I'm on the eastside; but if you find yourself back this way, drop me a line if you're intersted in meeting up for a ride. :thumbsup:



SSurlygirl said:


> The move is the main reason I won't date other riders, right now I won't date anyone. I'm very independent and want to establish myself as an individual rather than a couple, especially when it comes to cycling. I don't want to ever show up at another race and be introduced as "so & so's girlfriend," or have my position on a team be contingent on who I am or am not dating.


...and that's a good enough reason in it's self! I made that mistake. I moved from Connecticut back to Michigan (where I grew up) back in late March. I met a guy on Highland shortly after moving back...and well, frankly he turned into a real jerk. I made the mistake not establishing myself as a rider before being introduced as "His girlfriend" :madman: :madman: ...and yes, in my first post I was talking about "him".



SSurlygirl said:


> When the next guy I date shows up at a ride or race everyone will say, "Oh you're Laura the superfast singlespeed chic's boyfriend." :thumbsup:


The only way to be! :thumbsup:


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## roaddog (Aug 30, 2004)

He should make his rides with you his recovery or easy days. Its a guy thing - one speed- fast. Actually for him, riding the same speed isn't good. I haven't read every thing here, but he needs to slow down with you. I hope he isn't ready to go when you reach him.


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## PaintPeelinPbody (Feb 3, 2004)

My buddies brother is a triathlon racer, and he's super fast. 

His personal trainer is a woman and supposedly she's a fair bit faster than him.

There is always someone faster than you, male or female, so ride for you, not for them.


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## Sambolina (May 15, 2007)

I am still learning this. I agree that you need to ride for you but also find buddies that are patient and willing to wait at a certain point in the ride. For me it is good to ride with those faster than me but sometimes it is really nice to have someone in eye distance as well. I also find taking out newbies is a gratifying experience especially when you can watch them improve during the ride. Mix it up but if someone you are dating is not supportive and respectful of you and your riding speed or riding skills then they are not worthy of you. NEXT!



PaintPeelinPbody said:


> My buddies brother is a triathlon racer, and he's super fast.
> 
> His personal trainer is a woman and supposedly she's a fair bit faster than him.
> 
> There is always someone faster than you, male or female, so ride for you, not for them.


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## ThePinkBarron (Aug 28, 2008)

My boyfriend has ridden real hard since before I met him, I only started about 2 years ago with him. When I started off I was pretty slow but he was fairly patient with me, he would ride ahead of me at my pace, so that I could mimic his line, and try to do what he is doing, he actually went as far as to get a mirror so that he could make sure I was there through the techy spots without turning around. It really helped, instead of just dusting me, he showed me what to do, how to do it, stopped and explained it to me etc.

Now, 2 years later, on the uphill, he goes, I pedal my ass off to catch up, if he gets too far ahead he waits, then when I get there we take a breather. On the downs, this is my game, I do my thing, when I get to a flat I wait for him, we take a break and have a chat about how the trail is today or whatever.

In group rides he tends to lead because he knows the trail systems around here extremely well, and works to stay out ahead. I follow the pecking order, pedal at my own pace ahead of some, behind others, but I enjoy it either way.

We are pretty well even on the flats, he can be faster I am sure, but we are not racing, we are out there to enjoy the sport, enjoy the scenery, and enjoy each others company. It is just as much about enjoying things _together _as it is having the time of _your_ life. Now that I have my Mojo rather than the large Diamondback I can climb a lot better I swear that bike climbs on its own, we stop no less than we did before. Enjoy being in each others company, dont worry yourself about slowing him up, I am sure he doesn't mind a breather every now and again.


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## TVC15 (Jun 6, 2004)

LadyDi said:


> It's not a competition after all; it's just a bike ride, and it's supposed to be fun!


Exactly. So why not leave all the high maintenance head trips and demands at home? "Waiting" isn't an insult, it's a necessity (and a polite one at that!), whenever there's a significant skill/strength disparity.​




LadyDI said:


> If, for example, you ride with your kid, would you really blow off your kid and leave him/her in the dust? This same courtesy should extend to dates, so's, newbie friends, etc.


But you're _not_ a kid, and you're not a first timer on a bike. If you're overly sensitive and perpetually making folks ride on eggshells whenever you're around, perhaps it's you who's being a bit of a j*e*r*k. Food for thought anyway.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*A change in perspective*

Perhaps if you learned to show the sport some respect things would be different. Some appreciation for how much goes into doing this well might help you understand that you are seeing skilled people do this fairly well and it is to be admired. One day you will earn that, too. It is so much more than just grinding the pedals hard.


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## badjenny (Mar 13, 2006)

tiffanyinanthem said:


> How does everyone do the whole riding with the "so" thing? I love my bf, he's the greatest guy ever, but he really does something to my confidence on rides! I can never keep up on climbing or descending so on rides with him I'm ALWAYS criticizing myself! So the negative comments about my (in)ability just start flying.....


My guy and I ride together quite a bit, he has 80 pounds of muscle on me. I know I will never be able to keep up with him. When we ride just the two of us, he knows I hate knowing that he is waiting up ahead. So he usually rides out at his own pace and at some point will turn around and ride back to me and then when we meet up again, off he goes again. The yo-yo. I like it better that way, then I don't feel like I am "holding him up" and he gets to ride continuously. Some days I am not far behind him but on the days I am slacking it works out great.

Group rides are another good way to ride together. You start out together, regroup at some point but you each get to ride at your own level. No stress,just good times.


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## CycleMainiac (Jan 12, 2004)

It sound like you and BF need to talk and agree on a riding plan that you will be more happy with. 

There are always those jerk riders that selfishly never put them selves out to help newer riders. But I think most mountain bikers are on the other end and go out of their way to help newer riders progress. Most mountain bikers just want every one else to have has much fun as they are having. 


Some ride leaders are much more intune with the group than others. A good ride leader is able to tap into and support the needs of the slower or less strong riders by not acting in a way that makes the slower less strong riders feel bad. Sometimes it is as simple as slowing the group down so the back end can catch up with out stopping. Kind of an accordian action. 

Also a good rider leader would NEVER start again after stopping before the last person has a chance to catch their breath. All it takes is for the ride leader to notice the last person still needs a moment to breath and distract the group by looking at trail features, inspecting bikes, whatever, just mis-direct until the last person starts breathing normally again. 

The flip side is we are all responsible for our own ride. Many of us will find our selves in a group that is too fast or too strong. If communicating your needs for the group to slow down or what ever go unheeded, you MUST take care of your self. It might mean bailing from the group or breaking the group into smaller groups. 

Sometimes you need to sneaky in this situation to protect yourself. If you the know the group is ahead waiting on you, and every time you roll up they take off and you never get to catch your breath, eventually you are going to over exhaust yourself and risk of getting hurt goes way up. When you know the group is around the corner waiting, don't ride up to them. Hang back where they can't see you and catch your breath. Once you are recovered, ride up with a smile on. 

Unless they are complete morons, they should realize the need to adjust their riding a bit to better accomodate tne entire group. 

Often here bigger groups head out together knowing that in 10-20 minutes the group will self split. This works well when the riders do not really know each others ability levels well and everyone knows ahead of time that the group will split in two.


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

I have the SAME problem. My whole life.

When I was 16, I rollerbladed a lot. Whenever I went with my bf, I would just be completely incapable of carrying any speed and I would lose all coordination, get mad at myself, get headaches, etc.

Now, as an adult, I find the same thing happens. With an SO, I just can't focus on the trail or just have fun and enjoy myself. I get hurt more, can't climb, and beat up on myself for being off balance.

Things are much better for me now that I am single! I even ride with my ex-bf and it's great fun.

Disclaimer: I am not encouraging you to end your relationship, the truth is, I just don't know the answer. Sorry!


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## creseis (Apr 4, 2008)

Hahaha! I had the exact same experience--my bf when I started mountain biking was an expert racer and he would do the exact same thing to me--ride behind me and tell me what I was doing wrong, then yell at me when I got flustered and came off the bike ("WHY ARE YOU STOPPING??? YOU'RE GOING TOO SLOW!") -- He never got it!

On the odd chance that he is reading this--he is a really nice guy and of course I like him personally, but yeah, a bit annoying for a beginner to ride with [but I think he got the picture because I used to yell back at him quite a bit!!!]



SSurlygirl said:


> I remember that feeling.
> 
> I began dating an Elite racer a couple months after I got my first MTB. He tried to help me by riding behind me, telling me what to do and pointing out my errors. There were so many times I wanted to turn around and throw my water bottle at him. At one point he stopped and said in a very sarcastic tone, "you ride like a beginner" to which I replied, "I am a f**king beginner." I felt like the slowest person on a bike, and beat myself up for not being better.
> 
> ...


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## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

*Ride update*

Hey Thanks everyone! I'm glad to see I'm not the only one!

Yeah, so we've done a couple rides since my post, one was the same ol' crap. A ride where I ended up extremely frustrated because he would not go my pace and I just felt like I was struggling just to keep him in sight! Anyway, we ended up just talking about it later on that day (after I was a complete surlypuss on the ride! ) and he realizes he's a horrible group rider. I've done a lot of riding in groups, sometimes being the slowest, sometimes being in the middle and someimtes being the fastest. So I know how all of those positions feel like. He's never been the slowest, ever. He's never lead rides either (and its totally obvious) so this is what we've come up with.

He is going to soft pedal until I catch up. No more going at his own pace and then just waiting for me. If he is going to ride with me, then that means riding with me and if he gets too far ahead he's not gonna camp out at the top which makes me feel like I'm a complete slow poke! He's just gonna slow it down some until I catch up! So Easy!

We tried the new soft pedal idea and it worked pretty good. No hard feelings on my part. He didn't get to go at his normal pace, but I think he's come to terms that if he's going to ride with me, then he's gonna have to tone the pace down. We were out for 3 1/2 hours, and he still got to do some climbing at his own pace, or bomb down stuff, but for the majority of the ride, he was slightly ahead of me. As it should be!

All is well for now............

Tiff


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## gatorchick (Nov 5, 2006)

My fiance and I used to have a really hard time with this on the road - especially when it came to climbing. He is a better than average climber (for a guy) and I am a worse than average climber (for a girl) (but improving!) which meant that there was a pretty big difference in our speeds. He would blow by me as I was huffing and puffing like he was out for a Sunday stroll and it would just p*ss me off!! Then he would tell me to "just pedal faster" or "ride harder" or whatever ... as I was about to pass out and/or topple over and I would just want to smack him or cry or both. We eventually solved this problem by either not riding together or riding together but he would take off and then loop back around at some point which actually worked really well because then it became a game for me to try and keep up and not let him out of my sight.

We rarely ride mtb together as he is doing much more road and cyclocross riding now. I actually don't mind when he drops me on the trail because I kind of like to do my own thing when I mtb anyway. Having said that, I DO get frustrated when we mtb together - but its mostly with myself. I can accept that he is in better shape than me and that he may have more technical skill than me. What kills me is that he seems to have NO fear ... and I have plenty. He rides all kinds of stuff that I won't even try and it really bothers me because "nerve" is a place where we can and should be equal ... and we're not. I can deal with physical limitations - but its REALLY frustrating when the limitations are in my head!!!!

Having said all that, he has told me he wants to mtb with me this weekend and I can't wait! We haven't ridden dirt together in FOREVER and I think it will be a great time!

Hang in there ... you're not alone!


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## LadyDi (Apr 17, 2005)

tiffanyinanthem said:


> ..............We tried the new soft pedal idea and it worked pretty good. No hard feelings on my part. He didn't get to go at his normal pace, but I think he's come to terms that if he's going to ride with me, then he's gonna have to tone the pace down. We were out for 3 1/2 hours, and he still got to do some climbing at his own pace, or bomb down stuff, but for the majority of the ride, he was slightly ahead of me. As it should be! All is well for now............Tiff


Hey Tiffany, I'm so glad this is working out for you. Sometimes all it really takes is a good heart-to-heart. I don't think my SO and I ever actually had the "hth" until recently, when (upon reading this thread) I thanked him for his patience and for doing whatever he does to make me feel so comfortable on our rides together. Especially recently, as I work thru a knee injury. And then he thanked me for my determination, etc.. Awwww...


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## Consuela (Jun 13, 2008)

*Secret Workout?*

Curious if any of you gals {uh hum, this is the Women's Forum} have ever entertained the idea of doing secret workouts? I know, sounds silly, but wouldn't it be so cool to improve your fitness unbeknownst to your bf/dh/so and he would be all, "What's going on? Where did you come from? Am I riding slower than usual?" hahaha

Maybe something like James Wilson's 12 week DB Combo...

http://www.mtbstrengthcoach.com/products.html

Have any of you gals used this training program or his Ultimate MTB Training Program?

By the way, I can totally relate to your feelings. I was riding before my DH and when he first started, I would wait for him. Then I was silly enough to convert him to clipless pedals and make him read the chapters of my old book on climbing and shifting correctly... Now he waits for me. I still enjoy MTB more than he does, so I've got him beat there! hahaha :thumbsup:

But, does kind of suck that he can just pick up stuff that I have already been doing for years and in just a few months to year be my equal and then pass me by. Blah... He did the same thing with skiing. My recent joy was when he first came back from a hamstring injury and I smoked him on the run to/from the gym and on his first couple rides back. Well, now he's waiting for me at the top again...

He came up with the same solution you did, Tiffany, even though our situation is slightly different... we normally ride with other people now. We both enjoy it more this way. Me, because I'm not spending my ride listening to him whine (yes, while he is passing me) and trying to convince him that mtb is fun. And him, because he can get lots of socializing in. We take our spots in the group accordingly and don't worry about riding next to each other. He admits that it's hard for him to be very negative/miserable when everyone else is having a good time and we out number him. Funny, but whatever works.


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## OilcanRacer (Jan 4, 2008)

well i found out that a heavy backpack is the perfect equalizer.

when i ride or hike with male or female of lower physical level i add alot of weight to my backpack and let me tell you i can be brought down to any beginners level. and it makes the trail funner cause i have to try all that harder.

put some rocks in his pockets, make him carry all the water and the kitchen sink. believe me he will not be racing ahead. in fact you will be waiting for him. in time you will catch up and be the one with the heavy backpack!!

chin up buckaroo!


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## DanyCO (Oct 27, 2008)

I think it is something you'll just get used to. The more you ride the better you'll get and you might never be able to keep up, but that shouldn't be the point of the ride any way. 

I know it is frustrating though. I've been in that boat myself. I am glad you two have worked something out.


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## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

*I'll never be as fast as him*



DanyCO said:


> I think it is something you'll just get used to. The more you ride the better you'll get and you might never be able to keep up, but that shouldn't be the point of the ride any way.
> 
> I know it is frustrating though. I've been in that boat myself. I am glad you two have worked something out.


We had another really great ride yesterday. Couple weeks back, I was getting used to a new bike and also being off the bike most of the summer 'cause its so hot here in Phoenix - was probably contributing to my negative attitude about him not waiting for me, etc. But the best thing lately is being out there with other riders. When I'm passing guys climbing and not getting caught on the descents or flats, well it hits home I'm not as slow as I think I am. I'm just with someone who is crazy fast. Yah I'll never be as fast as him, but I suspect most guys wont either.

Tiff


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## MtbIrv (Jan 14, 2004)

I just tell them to wait up for me at intersections then I just ride my own ride. Sometimes I go so slow on climbs I fall backwards! haha! But I eventually make it up. I just tell myself that every sucky climb is helping my fitness and next time it won't be quite as bad. Also going that slow helps you to see the wonderful environment around you (hopefully you're riding in a beautiful place). Yesterday, I noticed a really cool sinkhole that I'd never seen before because I was going so slow on a climb. 

Also the nice thing about hanging back is there is no one else around you putting pressure on you. The only pressure comes from within you. And you really don't need to do that. Just enjoy the ride. Don't worry about being last. Oh yeah, and when you tell them to wait at intersections or whatever, tell them if you don't come out in a reasonable amount of time, send in a search party. Just in case you fall or something.


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## hillslayer (Aug 14, 2008)

Hello to the lady riders...

I'm a recently married man and have been seriously riding mtb/xc for about a year now. My neighbor is my training partner, and his wife does some easy xc riding with us on the weekends. We socialize with a lot of the people I ride with, and my wife (a good athlete but not an experienced rider) is thinking she wants to try some light xc (keep in mind she is not the super outdoors type, but always seems to have fun on my adventures). I'm hoping some of the women in this forum can post advice for me based upon your experiences with your significant others. Honestly, I'm expecting her to do well for a brand newbie, but not really be into it. I'm praying she likes it immensely because she is a good athlete who is fit and could rock on the bike. I'd love to see her succeed with her God given abilities. This Tuesday is our first ride...I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks in advance.

The Hillslayer


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## hillslayer (Aug 14, 2008)

*advice needed*

Hello to the lady riders...

I'm a recently married man and have been seriously riding mtb/xc for about a year now. My neighbor is my training partner, and his wife does some easy xc riding with us on the weekends. We socialize with a lot of the people I ride with, and my wife (a good athlete but not an experienced rider) is thinking she wants to try some light xc (keep in mind she is not the super outdoors type, but always seems to have fun on my adventures). I'm hoping some of the women in this forum can post advice for me based upon your experiences with your significant others. Honestly, I'm expecting her to do well for a brand newbie, but not really be into it. I'm praying she likes it immensely because she is a good athlete who is fit and could rock on the bike. I'd love to see her succeed with her God given abilities. This Tuesday is our first ride together...I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks in advance.


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## santacruzchick (Jun 27, 2007)

Wow,
First, I just wanted to point out how much attention and respose this thread has been getting. Seems like it's a pretty common experience.
Also, I just want to scream in frustration at all the women out there who say things like "I will never be as fast as him" "I could never clean the stuff he does" "I will never hit stuff as big as he does". I think 90 percent of women's performance disparity with men is actually mental. We are taught from day 1 that we should never expect to be as good/fast/brave/whatever as the guys and so we never expect ourselves to be. We always have a subconscious wussy way out of trying our hardest: I'm a girl and never expected to be able to do the things that guys do. I will point to all the women out there who really are pushing the limits and competing with, and earning the guys respect. Never say never ladies! go out there and ride with the guys and start keeping up, or at least imagining that someday, with enough training and practice, you will be able to. And if you are not willing to put in the practice and training that it takes, then just accept that and realize that you are not keeping up not because you are a female, but because you don't have the mental drive to do it. I don't mean that in a mean or cutting way, it's just how you structure your priorities in life and it's a personal choice, not a biological predetermination.

BTW-I'm sure if my husband reads this post he is going to flip because for YEARS I was the girl with the attitude problem in the back of the pack, feeling bad about myself for not being fast enough and generally being embarrassed about being a female and acting like a monster on the trail.


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## ettore (Nov 13, 2004)

Take a deep breath, calm down ... be cool. As many have said, it's not a race (unless you want it to be, let some air out of his tires!). I ride with my GF and I am faster than she is because, well, I ride all the effing time, I better be !

When we go out, it's super easy to leave her in the dust (especially when it gets technical). I am just posting in here to let you know from a guy's point of view that, if you're always riding with fast people (girls and guys), it's a hard change to go to a more relaxed pace. Hell, I ride with the elite riders in my area and I am doing everything in my power just to not look like a giant noob ... but I understand that, to them, I suck so hard they can't comprehend I am not easily keeping up.

However, be communicative. Let him know "hey seriously, I am dying. If you want to make this into a 2 hour ride, we need to calm this crap down a little" if you're feling like you're falling apart.

My GF gets me back, tho, when we go skiing ... it's not even funny how much better she is than I am.


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