# Riding while Grieving...(anyone got a how-to?)



## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

When I came up to my parents house ( Shingletown, CA) earlier this summer (late June), I had commented to my mom about a section of double-track that I always had to walk a portion of. 
It's about 3-400 feet long and about 30 degrees average - parts step up to 45* with intermittent spikes of about 60* (1-2').
Anyways, she said, " maybe make that your summertime goal up here!"

A week and a half go (or so), I did it...I cleaned the whole thing (plus regular trail - overall a ~500' elev gain). I told her and she was stoked!

I then said, "next thing to do to that section is to go all DH without the brakes!" (also something I have not done)...It's steep! - with ruts - and loose stones the size and shape of tennis balls.
She nodded the way when crazy kids say crazy things - like 'ok, sure'. -I was gonna do it!!

Well, Last night (12AM)...
My dad wakes me up and in a very surrealistic tone says,"Chris, you wanna check out your mother?"
"Huh? What?", I said.
"I think she died"
"wait..wha!"
"I think she died, she's not breathing"

I hopped outta bed and bolted to my parents room w/ dad in tow.
Her hands and lips were ashen and her skin was a bit clammy to the touch.
"See?, she's soiled herself." as my dad pulled back the sheet.
I checked for pulse at the neck - nuthin.
Wrist - nuthin.
I violently shook her and shouted "MOM!!" - no response.

From there, I went into a bubble. The world felt like static on a TV screen.
911 was called and my pops and I traded chest compressions - even tho we both knew it was too late. (it's weird...I could hear my mom's sternum cracking w/ ribs when I first started, but I felt like a robot, just pumping - tho, a robot might do better - If you haven't done CPR, it's pretty tiring!)
The medics came and continued, but she was pronounced ~2am.

I felt like a zombie all day - I'd 'read' a magazine, but the words puddled together and the pictures held no meaning.

I thought a bike ride might help.
I made sure pops was 'ok' and off I went...
It was a blur, the ride. I shifted on auto-pilot. The hills tho, felt as if I was being pushed! 
I _may_ (dunno) have been going slower, but I felt no tiring in my legs.
I just rode aimlessly. Took a right when I felt, maybe a left. I was possibly looking for a spot to cry, but I never found it.
I eventually found myself at the top of 'that hill' and I sat there for a while.
I sipped a beer and listened to the wind in the trees.
I got up and said to myself,"Mom, this is for you - no brakes" and saddled up.

As I went down, it felt like I was riding on a hill of feathers.
Places where I braked before passed in slow-motion. Surreal ... like floating.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Anyone have any grieving tips? - I can sure use them 
or a story 
or comment?

thanks for your time - 
I think writing this helped me :thumbsup:


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## arm017 (Apr 21, 2009)

Wow man. My thoughts and prayers go out for you. I am sorry for your loss. Mountain biking is such a beautiful sport; Continue to utilize it for your mom. My younger brother has luekemia, and so I ride hard especially those days he can't. Keep riding man.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

^^^thx man...ride on!!


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## motoxkfx123 (Apr 28, 2009)

Sorry to hear that just remember the good time you spent with her and keep her in your thoughts. Know that you have a angle looking over your shoulder when you fear something think of her let her give you strength. 

Here is a poem i found thought it might help. 

Mother, I Don’t Mind The Pain

When you died my dearest, blessed mother,

I had no sights or thoughts for tomorrow.

My soul experienced a wrenching eruption

Of pain and grief and excruciating sorrow.

The anguish of spirit: so unbearable;

The agony of mind: so intense,

The suffering in body: so unceasing,

Against all: I had no defense.

Nevertheless, beloved, I need you to know,

And I pray you can hear what I say.

I don’t mind the pain I’m going through.

It’s a small price, for our love, to pay.

We knew that one day we would have to part;

That death would come by in due time.

We knew how hard it would be for the other,

Who had to courageously linger behind.

But we knew our bond was worth the cost,

And valued each moment together we shared.

Now that I must without you go on,

The pain of my loss I will not be spared.

I wouldn’t, if I could, give my pain away.

It’s special and mine all alone.

It affirms all the love that I felt for you,

And in me, it can only be known.

So mother, though the pain of grief I endure

Will gradually and slowly subside.

The strength of the love that you and I share,

In the core of my heart will forever abide.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

^^^ nice...is that yours?


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## motoxkfx123 (Apr 28, 2009)

no i wish i could wright like that i got it from a friend she likes to wright poems and poetry and i read through them sometime when we hang out and i remembered this one so i called her and got her to send it to me.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

nice..thx - (tell 'er too)


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## perttime (Aug 26, 2005)

I am no expert on grieving but I _know_ that you'd better grieve when it is a time for it, whatever form your grieving takes.

And remember the good times.


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## Flystagg (Nov 14, 2006)

That's is one heart retching story there, I guess we will have to do without the upbeat prankster Highdelll for a bit while you pull yourself together. Take all the time you need. 

I can't contemplate the emotions you felt in that situation, just don't let that be the memory you keep of her. I hope you can make peace with what has happened, I wish you the best.


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## jkkfam89 (Jan 2, 2007)

I am sadened by your news. I am happy for you, in that your Mother shared in your excitments, joys and pains. It sounds to me that you were close to her. That is awesome for you will have tons of memories of this wonderful person you call "MOM". Name that 3-400 foot section after her. I pray for you to have the strength you need to grieve and also enjoy those great memories!! Take care


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## WTF-IDK (Feb 23, 2009)

Sorry for your loss. I know how it feels having lost my dad.
All I can say is the feeling never goes away, it just get's a little better.
But it takes time. Lots and lots of time.


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## fred-da-trog (Oct 28, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 5 years ago. I grieved very little, if at all, the first few weeks. Not sure why. Then there were times the tears wouldn't stop. And there are still times something will set off some tears. (like right now). 

It's different for everyone. Roll with it. My mom and family members visit his grave site, just a few miles from my home, every so often. I choose not to. Instead I visit with him in the great outdoors that he taught me to love. 

I pray you and your family through these tough times and that you recall, fondly, all the ways she influenced your life.


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## swampboy62 (Feb 10, 2009)

Wow. Hard to find something original to say, but I can empathize with your loss. It seems like when someone close passes you almost go onto autopilot, even though the things you have to do following are anything but routine. I think going riding was a very good idea - it always helps me clear my mind, hopefully it does the same for you. I'm sure you know that the time will dull the edge of your grief, but waiting for time to pass is also a hard thing. 

Be strong and remember the good times. Revel in the things that you love.

You and your family will get through this.

Peace to you and your mom.

Steve Z


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## Mtn. Biker123 (Sep 17, 2005)

Dude, thanks for the tears. I lost my mother when I was 11 months old.

I remember times being so filled with emotion that my rides were just as you described. It's not important that you weren't riding fast or slow, but that you were spiritually "in touch" with your world/universe. It seems as though your mom fulfilled her goals here (she raised a fine man, imo) and it may be time for her to devote her energy to a higher goal. Be proud of your mother, she did a great job!


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## scorpionwoman (Jul 7, 2006)

highdelll said:


> Anyone have any grieving tips? - I can sure use them
> or a story
> or comment?
> 
> ...


My thoughts:

Tips? Grieving is pretty personal, but there are also recognized stages to it. Take the time to Google the topic and I bet you will find something that you find helpful.

I'm sure writing about it *did* help. And so will the support you will get from this forum. But don't forget to include "real" people in your life at this time.

Seeing a loved one after they've died is so terribly hard. But how wonderful that you were visiting your folks at that time! You got to see her during her final days, and that's something to be thankful for.

These losses we all endure, they are reminders of how important it is to connect to those we love.

Oh, right--riding. Dirt therapy, I call it. Just remember that if things take you away from your time on the bike, it will still be there a little later. It's not a person; it doesn't require your love. Just some time and energy when you have it.

Take care.


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## skyphix (May 29, 2007)

Really sorry to hear that. Gotta be awful. When my mom died a few years ago, one of the best bits of therapy for me was riding. I did a lot of road riding but the best bet was to get lost. I also fly fish (small, mountain streams) so walking in to the woods and going farther than before not only seemed easier, but right. Lets me clear my head. I still do that every June 22nd - go for a long bike ride, mostly on back roads... dirt and paved... and then find myself lost in the woods looking at beautiful scenery and pretty fish. Really, I don't think I can come up with a better way to pay tribute than to spend time in places I know my mom would've loved to go, if she could have walked.

Keep your head up as best you can. Still grieving for my mom (was 4 years this year)... but days like that when hills seem flat and mountains seem like they're covered in stairs remind me that the memories are still there.


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## ridenfish39 (Feb 4, 2008)

I am very sorry for your loss..........

My father was 49 when he died from cancer. He was my best friend, and he taught me love of the outdoors. My best therapy was riding my bike, fishing and hanging out with my friends. It's been ten years, but I am tearing up writing this.

Your mother would want you to keep doing everything you enjoy because life is so short and precious. After you ride, tip up your drink to the sky and say to yourself , "I love you mom and thank you for helping me become the person I am" . I say this to my dad oncein a while and I hope he hears me.


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## open_trail (Jul 22, 2009)

Sorry about your mom,name that trail after her.


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## rabidchicken (Apr 16, 2009)

Based on some of your other posts I was waiting for the punchline as I am sure you were that night. 

Dude, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Grieving is normal for several weeks and it sounds like your riding is a good coping mechanism. Expect an emotional roller coaster and remember to take time for yourself and your rides. The stress relief and clarity will do you wonders. Also remember to eat and rest. I don't know what else to say other than I am going to say a prayer for you and your family and call my mom.


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## Swthrtsuzy (Sep 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard losing a beloved parent. When my father passed away I hadn't found mountain biking yet, but now that I have, I know that he is always right there with me in the great outdoors - where he was always happiest. Mountain biking may not have been your mom's passion, but she shared your enthusiasm because she loved you. Now, she will be with you whenever you're on the trail, sharing your experiences - who do you think pushed you up that hill and gave you wings to come back down? You will grieve in your own way, in your own time, but hopefully your mountain biking will help you celebrate her life and remember the good times.

Prayers to you and your family.

Susan


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## 53119 (Nov 7, 2008)

highdell
so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to cancer in Jan. and was the one to make the call and follow thru with his wishes about turning off his life support. It'll never disappear but my riding has helped me to cope. I did just like you did. The morning after I rode out to this jump spot that my old ass had no business sending and let one run go. My rides have become my church. Our loved ones have a crazy way of really inspiring us, don't they? I take my bro on every ride I go on now. Sounds like your mom will be hitting some inspired lines with her son. Ride on. Ride inspired.


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## savagemann (Jan 14, 2008)

Dude, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. As others have said, remember the good times with her.
After I lost my dad at age 10, it took me years to even hear the word "dad" or "father" without wanting to shed some tears.
It was especially hard to hear friends talk about their fathers. I always lumped up in my throat.
I took me quite a while to be able to cry. I don't know why. But I started to get mad at myself for having not cried yet. thats what finally did it.
At that age, I had no idea how to grieve. That took a while.
It gets better though.
Stay strong for your family and just be there for one another. You guys seem pretty tight knit.
My condolences to you, your dad, sister and the rest of the fam.


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## RIDIN'MO (Oct 9, 2006)

Brother, I know where you are coming from. When I was 15 (30 now) my dad had been fighting cancer for a few years. He was at home majority of the time- he didn't want to go through as he knew his last days(months) in a hospital, But I remember him progressivly getting worse and worse, I had accepted that he was going to die, and at times hoped for it. That might sound a little weird but I just didn't want to see him suffer any longer. And days leading up to his last my mom had gotten all my little bothers and sister to say goodbyes, and Love You. We were very close, he was my coach through all my sports growing up. It was very important to him and made him happy, just being on the field. 
I am the oldest of 4. My youngest brother was just beggining to walk at the time so he unfourtunatly doesn't remember him, but looking back the day he died was like a haze. I was in that bubble Highdell.... My mom came down early in the morning and said that she needed some help holding him up. I remember it like it was yesterday. He held my hand and mumbled I love you, be strong... He couldn't really talk, but I heard it clearly. That is when he passed on...
To this day I think of him and riding is a MAJOR outlet for grief my man... Anytime you are feeling down, or missing that person just go out and hammer. When I feel like this, at times I get a confidence, or super ability to ride things I might not usually, or go faster than I thought I could. I don't know if it is me just not focusing on the difficulty or that I have dad pushing me through but I always feel so relieved and satisfied after rides like that.
Stay strong, my condolences, and ride on!!


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## net wurker (Sep 13, 2007)

Dude, very sorry to hear about your loss. 

Every time you do that downhill now, you will think of her.


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## Pair0dimes (Oct 6, 2008)

highdell - 

I am also grieving, although a different kind of loss (death of a marriage). My heart was broken, my kids are in disbelief and I am lost. I cannot believe the woman I am now dealing with was the one I called wife for ~8 years.

Riding has been my one saving grace throughout. I moved myself onto a trail system here in Austin TX. I ride whenever I have a brief moment. I agree that it is a numb feeling, in between the tears of confusion and grief. Uphills aren't the same. Downhills aren't the same.

I can assure you that even though I ride for a different reason today, I damn sure feel better after wards. Endorphins, disconnection, distraction, call it what you like. If it weren't for riding, I would be more hurt, more lost and more confused than I already am.

Good luck to you and keep riding!

Ken


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## nachomc (Apr 26, 2006)

Sorry about your mom, man.


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## Trek7000rider (Sep 7, 2008)

I'm so sorry man. Having someone close die is always a "down to earth" moment, rarely are you ready for it. But (IMO) to get past something like this, you have to remember that life is like that, things like these happen. Dont get upset because of her death, but be happy that you had a good relationship with her and that she lived a good life. Things like biking, or music (if you play an instrument) allow you to refresh your mind. Just getting out in nature and riding provides a perfect outlet for your emotions and a chance to refresh yourself. Take care, man.


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## Dubtastic (Dec 4, 2005)

Sorry to hear about your mom. I'm useless giving tips on grieving, I don't have much experience with it (luckily, knock on wood). But stay strong, and each day will get better I'm sure.


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## Gary the No-Trash Cougar (Oct 14, 2008)

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss highdell. My condolences to you and your family. 

My advice: just ride. Sounds like you're already on the right track though. Leave your grief behind or carry it with you, but just ride until you can ride no more. Let the trails be your escape, if only for a brief spell.


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## mstguide (Oct 20, 2008)

Sorry about your loss. 
CPR is by nature a very traumatic event. Normally you are not taught what happens to the body. I always make sure I informed my students of the cracking noises and the possibility of the broken ribs. 
Grieving is different for every person, there are five stages that most people experience there is no set time, and order for these to take place. 
Cry when you feel you need to, as difficult as it is most people don't want to deal with it so they make generic comments. Most of them don't apply to you, but people are trying to confort you. 
C.S. Lewis has written one of the best books on Grieving "A Grief Observed" if you can find the book in a store you will not regret it reading it. 
My main suggestion is to make sure you eat your meals on time, drink pleny to water. Grief can quickly take your inmune system down, I seen it happen in patients and clients. 
Also take time to cry, some find keep a journal of these days and some of the days to come helpful.
Some people will want you to get over it, but unfortunately there is not time frame for grieving. As a rule of thumb the first years is very difficult, from there holidays and birthdays will continue to be emotionally difficult. you can pm me if you need more ideas.
I'll keep you in my prayers.


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## Scott O (Aug 5, 2004)

Keep riding, Keep talking to people, especially your dad.


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## gregg (Sep 30, 2000)

highdell, so sorrry to hear about your loss. Your mother sounds like a great person, taking a challenge and turning into a goal for you.

I know what's it's like to have that very same "numb" feeling.

You instinctively did what was right for your soul, you went for a ride. Good for you, as it's not always easy to do what's right for oneself without feeling a bit selfish, especially if there are other family members who need support, too.

My condolensces to you, your father, and your family.

-g

(edit: you asked for grieving tips. I don't have much, but that age old cliche about "time healing all wounds" is true. Problem is, it takes time. Other than that, the only advice I can give is, don't be afraid to cry.)


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## HarryCallahan (Nov 2, 2004)

Scott O said:


> Keep riding, Keep talking to people, especially your dad.


Agreed.

Highdell, I'm so sorry for your loss. When I've lost someone close, the grief seems overwhelming. In time, it seems to diminish somewhat or at least become contained. Honor the memory of your mom and all the things you and she cherished.

HC


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## mbmb65 (Jan 13, 2004)

Wow! Just Wow! I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. Everybody grieves their own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I have lost a lot. And I have grieved a lot. Through it all, my family, friends and my bike were my saviors. Remember what is important and stay close to what you still have. The losses never go away, but they do get easier to deal with. Best wishes to you an yours. Peace.


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## Big Mo (Dec 17, 2008)

Im very sorry Highdell. I hope you find what works for you.
Mo


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## Tuff Gong (May 8, 2009)

Oh man, I wish I had more to say......and I don't have any tips...I'm just really sorry to hear about your loss HD. Keep riding and be with your family.


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## mikedirectory2 (Mar 9, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sharing it is the best possible thing you can do. I always find that writing things makes them a lot easier to deal with. Stay strong and keep riding and writing, they will get you through this.


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## MisterC (May 17, 2007)

FatCyclist, as many of us know, just recently lost his wife and is going to race Leadville this weekend.

You might want to check out his site. I can only call it brilliant.

I lost someone close to me who was far too young to wreckless abuse of alcohol and one thing that I learned in the waiting room was that people react differently and you can't really blame them.

Some were in denial and made like they were just hanging out. I cried a lot. Other people just went silent and kept to themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm glad you are sharing this with us and I hope it makes you feel better but I can't imagine what advice I could give after such a loss that is relevant. The advice that was given me I completely ignored. I just wanted to be alone for a few days, I didn't ride for a good while and I still carry it with me.

I think its great that not only you got back on your bike but that you knew you had the support of a family that allowed you to.

My heartfelt condolences.


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## bacon11 (Jul 3, 2009)

So very sorry to hear about your loss.

I haven't lost anyone that close yet, but when dealing with losses and stresses of life, I've learned that slinging a leg over my bike and just riding brings me a certain kind of peace - sometimes I've found myself riding laps around town with no real goal in mind, others I find myself beating my knees up on hills without noticing. Just getting out and riding disconnects me from life for that bit, gets me away from it.

One thing I can tell you is, don't try and forget and don't try to push it away. Grief is something you will deal with now or a year from now when you can't keep riding and pushing it away. Riding for you may be a way of grieving as your mom pushed you to do your best when you ride, but don't ride to try to forget about her passing, ride to embrace her challenges.

Best of luck to you and your family. Ride on in her memory.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Thanks for all of your replies guys!
It means alot


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## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Wow delll, I feel your pain, it makes me relive mine. I'm not sure I can give any tips but I can sure tell how I dealt with my father's death 3 years ago.

So first things first. My father had a rare form of cancer, blood vessels cancer located in the lungs. I think he was the 4th of 5th case in Canada, first located in the lungs, which gave him a hell of a time breathing. He was overweight, the doctors thought it was another case of a fat bastard suddenly realizing he was out of shape when it's too late. After 3 weeks of keeping sending him back home my mother found him half dead and called an ambulance when he wasn't able to get out of bed anymore. When he arrived at the hospital they realized he had 70% of the normal amount of oxygen in his body. Most people feel bad at 90% of normal oxygen level. God my father was a ****ing horse to have survived that long. So he was admitted and starting chemo. After many months all seemed good he was about to get back to work but the week just before he started having headaches and nausea. It came back, brain metastasis, start all over again, but with radiotherapy this time. It turns out it didn't work. What I've been told is that it was stable and should be fine. Who lied in the process I don't really know but I prefer pain to hypocrisy. There are so many thing I would have liked to tell him and do with him before he passed away... Now it's too late.

My mother called me one morning saying my father wasn't right, he was semi-coma, half his body paralyzed, couldn't talk anymore. You get the picture. After a couple of minutes of talking and watching him struggling to hear my last words they drugged him. I waited a couple of hours then left. My father was still alive but it was over. I would never see him alive again. I got back home, needed to be alone and it was spring. Off I went to build a trail and maintain some others. Axe in hand I felt out of this world, unable to cry, unable to think clearly, not quite sure what the heck this was all about. Was I supposed to feel any pain? Was I supposed to stay with him till his last breath? What now? I've never been able to talk frankly with my father, what would his death change anyways? Huge void inside...

The weeks passed, the void remained. I held on by working crazy hours. I bought a new bike, it felt normal. My father had bought my first mountain bike, he had ignited this love of cycling. I'll get good at this, I'll enjoy every second of it. Love turned into passion, I ate and slept bikes. I got in touch with my father with every pedal stroke. Every crash reminded me I was still alive. I felt like **** but at least I felt something... Work work work, ride ride ride. And then it struck again.

My godfather passed away around 1 year after my father died. And the spiral when around again. I need to ride, get this facking anger out. Crash, it hurts, I laugh, pain comforts me. Same sh!t over and over. Feel depressed, go for a ride, soothing pain. And it goes on.

My grandfather died around 2 years after my father left us. Yeah whatever, just another dead. Can I still feel grief? I keep on riding, 'cause that's what life is about. Lost interest in anything else, this is the only thing that heals my soul. I had to ride harder, longer, don't get in my way I might run you over. Ended up forgetting I still had a woman I loved. The ride, the ride, nothing else matters, go to hell if you're slowing me down. She left me of course and that was it, all hell broke loose. I had lost pretty much everything except my bikes.

Bought another bike, and another one. This feels familar, it seems I've been here already. Why is it I can only find comfort in cycling? Passion turned into obsession. These days I can't go 5 minutes without thinking bikes. I eat, sleep, drink, pee, dream and breathe bikes. I've pretty lost much any reason to live, except bikes. Hey it worked for a while, bikes were comforting but it seems these days are gone. I'm absolutely passionate about bikes but the void remains.

So you want a tip? Don't hold one to a single thing, at least not for an extended period of time. You end up depraved of any other interest, depraved of yourself. I lost interest in my job, it used to help me, now it makes me sink. I don't really know what to do and I hope you don't turn out this way. Good luck buddy!


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## bigworm520 (Sep 18, 2006)

Sorry to hear that. My mom passed away 2 years ago I at the time I just went out and rode. Its great to just get out relax and clear your head and nothing does that better then riding. Now I go ride up in Sedona every fall near where we spread her ashes and I have that time to connect.


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## trevorhy (Aug 19, 2008)

Sorry to hear about your mom. Haven't had to face that one yet. But the day I found out my grandmother passed away I was pretty broken up and decided the best thing to do was go for a ride the same as you did. As I lived in North Vancouver at the time I headed for the mountains. I was the same as you, just riding on auto pilot with no real plan in mind, up mountain highway, the fire road, when it hit me. What better tribute and way to put a positive spin on things than to ride Grannies. Road half of it, sat alone in the woods and thought of all the good times growing up then cleared the rest. One of the cleanest rides I had ever had on the trail. I can totally relate to how you felt. 

Keep it rubber side down and reinforce good memories.


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## fastale (Jul 2, 2007)

So sorry dude. Keep riding and healing.


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## radcouver (Jul 30, 2009)

highdell -

Sorry for your loss man. Keep riding through it.


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## Berkeley Mike (Jan 13, 2004)

*Condolences to you and yours.*

Grieving comes when it comes. We do have traditions which help us with expectations for the expression of that need but they aren't rules. It doesn't seem that you have any need to devote yourself to sorrow any more than you avoid it. You sound about right to me.

Your mother's voice will come to you always; she lives through you now. As such, you might hang with dad a bit until it is time to go home as he will see her in you as never before. You will both figure that out.


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## kpomtb (Feb 2, 2006)

Condolences on your loss.


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## briank10 (Sep 20, 2007)

Stay strong brother. You're in our thoughts.


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## Wyoman (Mar 3, 2007)

I understand grief. Three years ago I lost a close friend in a climbing accident. I dealt with my grief with almost daily 5 hour bike rides and I believed ridding helped me cope. I strongly believe in kenetic processing for intense emotions. At the same time I saw a therapist. My therapist approved of ridding to cope with grief but one day he said to me, "I went to the gym, lifted weights for 15 min., and then went home." For me, his words had about 7 different layers of meaning. I believe that he was trying to say that it is important to listen to your body when you reach your limit. And that it is OK to take a break and return another day to fight on. In sum, I believe that ridding helps but it can't be the only strategy to cope. Others here have made good suggestions. Perhaps ridding your hill on the same day every year is a good tradition remember your mom. Time heals.


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## Pokey_Racer (May 24, 2009)

Wow man, I truly am sorry for your loss. It sounds like riding really helps, so keep it up. Be strong, and keep her memory alive. Good luck.


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## bigpedaler (Jan 29, 2007)

I'm there with you, man -- both parents are gone now. Dad first, and that took me some time to get a grip on. Still miss him -- think about him on his birthday every year. I have a hammer that was his, and when I use it, it's like shaking his hand every time.

Talking it out does help, even to the point of getting on everyone's nerves about it. But in the end, your best thing is to hold dear memories close, and know that they left you those priceless treasures.

That's what I try to give my kids -- good memories to linger over, instead of 'stuff' to argue and fight over.


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## steve47co1 (May 18, 2005)

*Regrets and my sympathy to you........*

It may be hard to believe but there will be gifts that come out of this untimely and sad event. My mother died when I was just 30 - she was 52 - and I was initially sad, followed by anger, and finally acceptance that she was indeed gone.

Here are the gifts; some were almost immediate, some still resonate today 27 years later.

1. She smoked 3 packs a day and I was smoking one pack a day - I realized there was indeed a connection between smoking and cancer and quit shortly thereafter;

2. I realized how strong she was - she knew she was dying and drover herself to a lawyer to create a will and sought out and paid for her own funeral arrangements - a model of emotional strength for me;

3. She left me a letter which I still cherish to this day, saying how much she admired me and never worried about me as she saw me as a survivor, no matter what happened;

4. Ultimately, I realized that her passing just reminded me of my own mortality and that I should never waste a minute of the rest of my life and go out and live .......and ride!

Be well, my mtbr friend, and as others have said, do not skip the grieving process; I know it is very rending, painful and seemingly never ending. However, if you do, you will have a hard time moving on emotionally and it could color your future relationships with women and others. Peace.:thumbsup:


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## Nubster (May 15, 2009)

I did not read all the responses so I may be repeating what others have already said. First of all, I am very sorry for you loss. I cannot imagine the shock and sadness. As far as grieving, I think we all do that in out own ways. Some it is instant, others it could be days, weeks, months, or even years later. All the sudden 3 years later it just comes out of nowhere and gets ya. I did catch someone saying something about naming the trail after here in someway. I think that is a awesome idea. Make a nice sign to hang up at both ends of the trail and ride the hell out of it to help keep her name alive.


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## Pushpedals (Jun 30, 2009)

my condolences to you and yours. stay up!


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## BOAB (Sep 11, 2008)

I hurt for your loss, I lost mt father 19 years ago and still miss him to this day when I ride in the woods. That was where we connected and spent alot of time. I try to remember to celebrate his life, he touched alot of lives, especially mine. I've never received a better gift.

Our riding group here is also going through the grieving process. We lost a friend, a young man, 18 years old. He wanted to ride one last long ride for his last day of summer vacation. He was in an accident with a car, not an evil person, just a bad circumstance. He would have started his senior year today, the senior class rode their bikes to school today with a police escort to honor him. 
It just takes time, stay strong for your dad, ride often and know that you are not alone.
God Bless.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Ugggh!!
Thanks again guys! 
I'm currently writing the obituary ...just 'checkin in' to take a break from it.
It's hard...trying to write professionally, being concise and not rambling, while trying to put 'some' emotion into it.
My dad and I (my sisters too)have been basically doing the 'busy work'; phone calls, arrangements, the will, insurance, canceling credit cards..etc...there's a sh!tload of stuff to do  - that's fine during the day, but at night, I get a 'scared' feeling because of the last time I/we/she went to sleep and what I awoke to. It sucks!! I have to lie down in front of the TV to go to sleep - the thoughts/ images are just too intense for me right now.
I'm gonna try to get out and ride a bit today as soon as I'm done with the Obit (have a 3pm deadline) and hopefully that'll be some more therapy.

Man, I tell ya, I'm putting together a photo slide-show/montage along with a couple songs that she wanted at her funeral - that's hard too...I'm trying to again do a professional job, (replaying and backing up tracks, adjusting time-code etc) but seeing all the images makes me well up.

ahh I know I'm rambling, but hey...I'm known for that sometimes 
thanks again for your comments and thoughts!


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

I'm back from my ride...
Although, I'm still feelin like mush, the ride felt opposite today (energy-wise),
I walked stuff I never did before, I braked uncontrollably at times (- skidding).
Instead of feeling light, I felt heavy.
I still rambled and let the front wheel take the path it wanted to go...
BUT!, I did notice I was doing something different and it was kinda cool (warning: bad Idea normally, especially if you don't know the trail). Watch ahead kids!.
I was just watching the trail flow beneath my wheel. I got mesmerized watching the wheel (and fork compressions) bump and jostle through the rocks, or kick-up dust in the soft stuff.
I went to 'the hill', or "Andi's hill", and I just rode it slowly...I _looked_ at what I usually roll over. Little rocks. A rut. Someones footprint. My old tire-track from the time before.
They all get washed away so quickly.


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## FloridaFish (Mar 29, 2004)

highdelll said:


> They all get washed away so quickly.


But you remember the good times that they brought and how they made you smile.


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## Okie Dokie (May 14, 2008)

Highdell I rarely post in Passion but your post got me.

I just wanted to say how impressed I am with you inner strength through this hard time. I know for a fact that I would be so much less functional then you are....and as an ER physician I am around death on a daily basis.

All I can say is that do not avoid the grieving process. You will need to go through it and will come out okay albiet changed on the other end. I think you posting here is part of your grieving.

I have had my own loss recently though not a death (mine is so minor in comparison to yours) and am going through a bit of grieving myself. I have been lucky to have good friends that have encouraged me to keep riding when I dont want even to go outside. And while every ride starts out seeming a chore and full of hard memories...in the end I am smiling. I hope you have friends and family like that as well. People who you can lean on.

Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you.

Eric


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## Brad98 (Aug 14, 2009)

I grieve for you,man.

I lost my fiancee in a car accident a little over a year ago. I hadn't yet discovered mountain biking so I can't comment on "dirt therapy" but when it comes to grieving I can give some advice. 
The most important thing to know is that it doesn't matter how anyone else got through it...you will handle it differently and that's perfectly ok. Just make sure you deal with it somehow. 
Talk with your friends and family about the good times and memories. As they come back, you may even be able to laugh with them. Eventually, the good memories will chase out the bad.(as hard as it may be to believe now).

Remember, you will get through it...maybe not over it, but through it. Come to grips with that and it will help immensely as well.


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## Mountain Cycle Shawn (Jan 19, 2004)

Im sorry to hear about your loss! You never, fully, get over losing your parents. You just learn to deal with it very well. For me, my mother died of cancer when I was 21. I had 5 years to prepare for it, as the Dr's told us she had 5 years. She made it 5 years to the week. My father died suddenly, he fell off a clif on the ranch I grew up on, while he was taking care of his cattle, when I was 42. Wow, I just realized that I lost a parent every 21 years! I still miss them both so much, I can't even explain it. I'd give everything I have just to spend some more time with them. If we could just go back to when I was a kid and be a happy family again!! Dang, now I'm crying! Sometimes I really feel lost without them. No one can take their place. My mom was a tough one, we didn't always get along to well, but she adopted me, and I loved her. My dad was tough on the outside, but really soft on the inside. he just loved me so much. He took me everywhere, jeep rides, hunting deer, racoons. When I was little he would carry me everywhere. I remember the first time he took me for a jeep ride on the ranch, he tied me to the seat. I was about 2, and I remember feeling scared at first, but only for a few minutes. We did so much together on the ranch. On a big ranch there is always something happening. About 4 years ago we fought a fire that came through the whole ranch. And about 7 or 8 fires in the past. Trespassers were always fun to deal with. Like the time my dad kicked the crap out of one. Or the time the cops came busting through chasing a guy on a motorcycle. Or the time he shot a rattle snake and 2 Mtn bikers, that he was tracking came out of the bushes with their hands up. We took care of a mountain lion cub for awhile, don't know what happened to the mother. The FBI got involed in that one, but it was smoothed over. One day the Santa Ana winds were blowing hard. All of a sudden, I kid you not, a small blue single passenger blimp, flew over, out of control and crashed. Oh then there was the big earthquake, what a mess! A flood or 2, just to keep things fresh. He had a national champion quarter horse. He had a bull that made it to the national finals rodeo, his name was Moonbeam. I thought that bull was going to kill all of us. One time we where fixing roads on a D6 Cat. We tipped it over 15 feet down into a creek. On the way over he pushed me up on the track where I was able to ride it out, while he fell down in the creek with the Cat. He sacrificed himself to make sure I was safe. I thought I lost him that day. I have very realistic dreams about both of them, at night. It's kinda cool, it's like I get to see them every once in awhile.

Dang, guess I got a little carried away. So many more stories I could tell. Sorry, didn't mean to highjack the thread.

But, that's what is supposed to happen. the parents go before you do. But It sucks when it happens way to soon. I could't imagine if the roles were reversed and I passed first. I wouldn't want my parents to have to deal with that. I guess I should think more about others when I do the crazy stuff that I do. If I passed, my GF would have to deal with that and it wouldn't be fair for her.

Can I ask a couple ?'s You don't have to answer if you don't want to. How old are you? And, what happened to your mom for her to pass suddenly?

I wish you the very best! Just remember the good times, I hope you had a lot of them.

Just the fact, you are sharing with us the way you are with so much emotion, tells me your a good guy, and you'll be just fine!!


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## Kneescar (Feb 26, 2009)

Highdell, my condolences to you and your family. Only advice I can give is to stay close to the family - watch out for one another and offer or take a shoulder to cry on if needed. I wish strength for you and your family in this trying time.


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## sherijumper (Feb 19, 2007)

I am sorry to hear about what happened , it`s been a rough year for parents in my little circle . My Dad died this January of cancer (hence the signature). My wifes uncle in April , and most recently , A friend of mines Dad died unexpectedly ...........................I think I`ve been stuck here for about 45 minutes..................Don`t really know what to say .............. I hope that you do well in the coming months . Ride your bikes lots (it will get better)

Ken


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Mountain Cycle Shawn said:


> ...Can I ask a couple ?'s You don't have to answer if you don't want to. How old are you? And, what happened to your mom for her to pass suddenly?


I'm 35.
We're not sure exactly why she died - the autopsy came back as 'inconclusive'
They're doing a tox screen right now.
My mom was taking lot's of medications (too many IMO) for some disc problems in her neck.
I feel the doc was irresponsible (possibly criminal) in his prescribing.
So I (and others) think it may be an OD or a bad combo.


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## Welder Steve (Jul 31, 2009)

Wow man, I'm so sorry to read of your loss.
I am going through some low times as well, with my boss who was a good friend, and my grandmother passing on within three weeks in July, and other terrible things as of late with my immediate family, I NEED to ride, and just be around good people.

Take EVERY chance you can to ride with the folks who care and to use the time you might have spent with her to honor her memory.

MUCH LOVE & CONDOLENCES

~Steve


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## Noobi-Wan Kenobi (Dec 24, 2007)

highdelll,

Riding helps,
crying helps,

family helps,
friends help,

doing something you've never done helps,
going somewhere you've never been helps,

what helps the most is time.
I wish I could help you with that.

Condolences to you and your family.


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## dadembk (Jan 23, 2004)

I can only offer my thoughts and prayers of peace to you and your family!

dadembk


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## BigWheeler (Nov 28, 2005)

highdell--

I'm sorry for your loss, and my thoughts go out to you and your family. The eloquence with which you speak of your mother's death captures both your pain and what she meant to your family's life. My heart goes out to you.

I don't have any personal experience with this kind of loss, but I think that you might get some comfort from reading along with the (not so) Fat Cyclist, as he recovers from the very recent death of his wife. Your situations are quite different, but maybe you can take some solace in following him in his journey.

Take care, and ride on. --BW


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## Harold (Dec 23, 2003)

My condolences for your loss. I haven't lost any parents yet, but I do recall losing some great grandparents and one of my grandmothers. I was never really close to them as they all lived out of state, and I couldn't even attend funerals. I seemed to cope with those losses by falling into myself and thinking things over. Remembering what I could. My great grandfather was hardest, I think, as I saw him decline for a long time (years) with alzheimer's. The decline, I think, was the worst part. My other relatives died rather suddenly.

But, as I'm sure you know, I have had my own brush with mortality recently, and while I don't remember much, I still know what happened and it hit me hard. I haven't cried over it (I don't feel the need, honestly), but I do feel the need to dedicate myself to things that matter. My wife, my family, and enjoying my life. I don't know if this cancer will ever come back, but I sure as hell don't want any regrets after this if it does.

Good luck with all of the final arrangements. That has got to be as hard as the actual passing of your mother. Just be there with your family, and hopefully they are also there for you. You are all going through the same emotions, so you don't have to feel alone.


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## Cholopolitan (Aug 20, 2007)

Such a similar story to mine... about a year ago. Mom unresponsive (dead) 911 call, what you called the "bubble".
Now it's almost exactly one year later and I would love to be able to give you advice to help. In reality it is time that helps the most. My mom loved cycling and I draw on that to motivate me. She died of cancer, so I still put on the yellow bracelet for rides.
My best "advice"...
-tip your hat to her on your rides (or wherever). You may be the only one who is into feeling her energy, but that's all that matters.
-acknowledge when something special happens and chalk it up to connecting with her. We live in too cold a world to have to deal with validating experiences that are "spiritual" or whatever you want to call them.
On the one year anniversary of her "going to her reward" as my grandfather used to call it, I hit a trail that has one of those stupid, brutal climbs. Loose and steep, I make it clean maybe half the time. As I was going up, I got a crazy tailwind and I felt like I couldn't have fallen off my line if I had wanted to. It made me think of the prayer we had put on those funeral cards... we always called it the Irish traveler's prayer.
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be ever at your back.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my dad 6 years ago. Can't even tell you how much he meant to me. 
I started biking 2 months after he passed. To this day I always think of him on long beautiful bike rides, especially in Tahoe - he would have loved MTB'ing and getting out on the trails.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Ok...just checking in...and I have a request for any of you NASCAR fans...
Root for the 24 (Jeff Gordon) today.
My mom, Andi, loved Jeff - so today, I'm rootin for him instead of my driver, the 48 - Jimmie Johnson.
I know it sounds kinda silly, but NASCAR was one of her favorite things - she did alot of things; cruises, trips to hawaii, RVing, but she had yet to make it to a race.
Hopefully, she's enjoying the race trackside for her first time today and would love to see a win by her 'rainbow warrior'. 

Thanks again for all the comments - It does help! :thumbsup:


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

She wanted a picture of our flags - I never 'got around to it' :madman:
She also wanted to start riding a bike again (after seeing her sister in law start again)
I was to re-teach her how to ride again (she hadn't done it for years - decades?)
So I dusted off the bike she had and fixed it as nice as I could - my dad and I were looking for a 'real' bike, but this would do for the time being...regretfully, I never did get to ride with her.
Any 'snarky/goofy' comments about the bike can be made here - but please not here.

Anyways, here's the pic of the flags - plus our bikes 
(just a little late mom...but here it is!! - GO 24!)


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## giantbikeboy (Dec 3, 2004)

Sorry to hear of your loss and your Father's. I know what it's like I've been there. Chin up man. It takes time. Peace. GBB


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## sjhiker (Apr 25, 2008)

I lost my childhood friend in '07 to Cancer. His father recommended me this book: Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief

Also, there are 5 stages of grief...


Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.


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## kapusta (Jan 17, 2004)

Wow, that's hard. I'm very sorry for your loss. Your dad's as well, this must be especially hard on him. There are no right answers for how to grieve a loss. You'll know what is best for you and your dad.

Good luck.


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## alex(K) (Jun 27, 2008)

highdell, I don't really know you, but i always enjoy your posts/sense of humor...
sorry for your loss, it must be a difficult time. Hang in there.
Best,
Alex


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## nuclear_powered (Apr 18, 2007)

Sad story dude. Very sad.

I wish I had some miracle tips to pass on, however nearly 2 years on I'm still grieving, to some degree, the loss of my father. Riding with friends in the months following was extremely beneficial, but I don't think my fathers death was quite as tragic - he was slowly deteriorating from vascular dementia and other complications from type II diabetes. So I guess I was grieving for a few years before he died too. 

Other than the riding, which like any form of exercise is a good mental releif, I found myself being thankful both for the time I had with him (as others have suggested), as well as for the person I am, which he helped create. I love helping others, which he did too - I never realised the connection till he was gone, then I started finding other traits I'd inherited which I'm so glad for. It makes me wish I had more time to talk to him about it, which in turn makes me sad, which I guess is part of the process.

By all acounts, friends in similar situations have all told me a massive cry will help too. I would welcome this if it came, but it just doesn't seem to want to yet. Maybe next year, when I've set aside the time to go though all of his vinyl, which I am going to keep forever. Listening to that music that was present throughout my early life and teens will evoke some fond memories of a younger, healthier father I miss so much.

Be well. Keep talking, and keep riding.


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## DirtyMtnBikeHer (Jul 30, 2009)

I had noticed this thread a few times but today stopped to read it. I stopped because yesterday my Grandma passed away....my last grandparent, the most important person in my life so far to die...so I found the only friend I knew to go ride with on a Monday. I let him pick with the idea of something on the easier side. It wasn't on the easier side but not hard either but with my mental state it was a challenge. Physically I felt great all day, I did not want to stop. Mentally I could not clear my head. Every so often I wanted to stop and cry. It was hard. I know no matter what I was doing I was going to want to cry so why not ride. 
I did crash twice...one time something really simple and it was just plain funny, the second time a little more painful and not so funny. Nothing too bad just some scrapes and bruises.
I feel like I am rambling but I wanted to say I do not know how to ride and greive. Tomorrow I am trying again. I will be greiving no matter what so why not ride. Thursday I fly up north to be with the family and attend the funeral and talk at the funeral on Friday then I am a pallbearer on Saturday. It is really overwhelming right now and I know I am at the beginning.
Highdell I cannot imagine your pain. All I know is time heals and love never leaves. I extend my condolences and hope you can soon ride and not grieve.


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## wg (Dec 20, 2003)

Sorry to hear about your loss. My condolences.
There's some good replies here and I want to add one thing that helped us when we lost our daughter years ago. You may be getting a lot of advice that doesn't make sense. In most cases people just do not know how to deal with someone who lost a family member. They just try to say anything to "say something". 
A family friend, who is also a minister told us to "Listen to people's hearts, not necessarily their words",
Also, as has been said here repeatedly, riding is therapy. It helped me.


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## ProfGumby (Feb 27, 2008)

highdelll said:


> Anyone have any grieving tips? - I can sure use them
> or a story
> or comment?
> 
> ...


I think you found your tips...and I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. And by all means, be sure to be strong and be there for your dad. 10 years ago when my dad died we were all there for mom and that helped her immensely.

My mom died Sunday Morning, though not as suddenly as you Mom. We too are going through all the busy stuff that has to be done. And it strikes me, after a close one passes there is a hell of a lot of being on the phone, isn't there.

Be sure to take time for you as well. It sounds like your ride after your mom passes was on the wings of Angels. But then so was the one where you watched the wheel and fork...(for some reason, John Lenon's song popped into my head as I read that)

I have always found the Church of the Outdoors to be a good place to collect ones thoughts and work things through. I was Fishing Sunday Morning when I found out and continued to do so for a few hours.

I am taking long walks in parks each morning as I am hundreds of miles from my bikes and my favorite trails. But being out, in nature seems to do wonders for me.

Crying is saved for being with family and friends at the funeral as we say goodbye. But when I am riding, or fishing, or walking or sitting on a park bench crying just doesn't seem to be an opiton....

I am truly sorry for your loss.


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## kidagain (Mar 13, 2009)

Sorry about the passing of your mom.

Everyone deals with these situations differently.

One thing to think about though, is that ride you took, was the first one your mom was able to see you actually ride, and was with you the whole way. I'm sure she loved being able to be a part of something you love so much.

She's in a better place, although she will be missed.

Take care


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## Yukon-RSX (Feb 6, 2007)

Sorry to hear about your mom (or mother/mum/mam over here in the UK). That must've felt like a ton of bricks came crashing down - I don't think riding a bike would've of helped me if I was you lol.

R.I.P


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## Eric Z (Sep 28, 2008)

wow, just came across this thread. so sorry to hear! your mom sounded like a cool lady! please remember that! my dad has been gone now for almost 6 years- crazy how the time flies, but not a day goes by when i don't think about him- especially with my son being home.

amazingly and somewhat surprisingly, time heals a lot- hang in there and keep her legacy alive!

remember to take care of your dad and other siblings/close family if you have any.

thinking about you.
ez


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## bikerchic (Jan 17, 2004)

*So sorry for your loss....*

highdell, my deepest condolences to you and your family. Such a great loss it will probably take a lifetime to get over it. We never forget those we loved and especially those that loved and cared so much for us....the true definition of a Mother.

How to get over grief? Seems you're already finding your way, for each of us it's different. I love that you fixed up her bike and took the pictures of it with yours and the flags, very honorable, memorable and it has lots of meaning for you. Riding, writing (journaling) and remembering the things that were unique to your Mom. Passing on the life lesson's she taught you to your children. All these things help, but as has been mentioned again and again here TIME is the best healer.

Remember we never forget those who brought us smiles, the sad memories eventually fade and we are left with all the good ones to fill our hearts and pass down to our offspring.

My heart goes out to you, be gentle with yourself and helpful to others. Keeping busy is good, riding your bike puts you into that Alpha zone and is a tremendous healer.

~Kate


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Well, this sucks...Just after remembering my Mom's death anniversary on Thurs., My good buddy "Cap'N" Ron took his life...
He was a giving man - anything you needed he'd be there.
I got him into biking and fought tooth and nail for him NOT to get a Walmart bike (because they're the same right?)
He ended up getting this 'classic' Proflex on a steal...The thing was his pride and joy until it got stolen by some fukks he trusted.
Anyways...May you finally fly that kite dood!


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

Sad to hear that man. August is turning out to a be a crap time of year for you eh?
I was shocked a few months back to hear one of my good mates from high school went the same way. Suicide can be so tough on all those friends and family who are left behind. It's so sad to see someone give up the fight with their inner demons. You've gotta try and put yourself in the mindset of the victim if you're gonna make any sort of sense of it. There probably won't be a rational reason. If you need a reason, then look for an irrational one.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

bshallard said:


> Sad to hear that man. August is turning out to a be a crap time of year for you eh?
> I was shocked a few months back to hear one of my good mates from high school went the same way. Suicide can be so tough on all those friends and family who are left behind. It's so sad to see someone give up the fight with their inner demons. You've gotta try and put yourself in the mindset of the victim if you're gonna make any sort of sense of it. There probably won't be a rational reason. If you need a reason, then look for an irrational one.


Oh, he had reasons I guess..nothin anybody thought would get better with time ya know?
It seems the ones who feign suicide threats; don't, but the others who seem strong somehow snap..
I dunno maybe I'm talking out my ass.
thoughts?


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## Flynnster (Aug 19, 2009)

God bless man. Prayers being sent your way.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

FWIW, When I made this thread, It was kind of a coping thing - asking for advice for something I had no idea how to deal with...moreover, it was also a way to just let me type out my feelings 'anonymously'.

I encourage anyone to tag onto this thread if they want to or start your own; as it was very therapeutic for me.
I thank you guys for all the advice and thoughts and comments - It did help.


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## The Understater (May 6, 2007)

highdelll said:


> Oh, he had reasons I guess..nothin anybody thought would get better with time ya know?
> It seems the ones who feign suicide threats; don't, but the others who seem strong somehow snap..
> I dunno maybe I'm talking out my ass.
> thoughts?


Probably dangerous to make too many blanket calls on this topic, but I think there is something in what you say. Sometimes an attempt, or threat thereof is really a call for help. Others don't seek help, and never let on how bad things are. They seem strong, but there could be so much more bubbling under the surface. It just never shows.

b.


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## Cholopolitan (Aug 20, 2007)

*Churchill*

Sorry for your loss, HD... Hard to imagine even trying to make sense of it.

Just had the second anniversary of my mom's death... Took out a tandem through NYC with my bro... the last time I had been on it was with her.. My dad doesn't get on it these days. I'm not much of a tandem guy, but it was therapy. We were weaving through traffic all over mid-town. Not the smartest idea we've had, but sometimes we have to match the stupidity presented to us.

The advice that got me through was a Winston Churchill quote (at least that's who they accredited it to):
*"When you're going through hell, keep going.".. *sums up a lot in life, but especially this.


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## Harold (Dec 23, 2003)

bshallard said:


> Sad to hear that man. August is turning out to a be a crap time of year for you eh?


No kidding. I seem to have missed out on this thread due to my own issues at the time. Condolences, dude. Looks like your friend was quite the character.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Scott O said:


> Keep riding, Keep talking to people, especially your dad.


Couldn't say it any better. Please accept my sympathies.


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## Jeff in Bend (Jun 5, 2010)

Highdell,
I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mom and friend. I'll give you the rest of the month to grieve but I want the Highdell back who makes me LMAO!


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## insanitylevel9 (Sep 23, 2009)

sorry to hear about your losses


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## mike citron (Aug 15, 2010)

Sorry for your loss man


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## ebineezer (Sep 6, 2007)

sorry for your loss highdelll


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## To be named later (Jul 22, 2010)

Aw, man....sorry about your mom. Sounds like you had a good relationship with her.

So no brakes? Really?

As far as grieving tips....I've never lost anyone close to me, but all I can say is don't be afraid to cry and let it out. Be there for your dad. And if you start thinking negative thoughts along the lines of "Gee....when I was 15 I was such a little ****, and when I was X age I made mom cry, I should have been a better son, yada yada....." erase those thoughts. Think of the good times.


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## eatsleepbikes (Oct 3, 2009)

I'm sure your friend and mom wouldn't want you wasting your time being sad over them
instead remember the good times and how lucky you have been to have them in your
life. I also totally believe it's only temporary as we all will be reunited in another place and 
wonder why we were so upset at the time. I've been through the loss of two close friends
and it always hurts but I try and think how great seeing them on the other side will be.
Just how I try and cope with loss some times it is easier than others.


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## froggy97 (Oct 16, 2009)

highdell. I lost my father that same week to cancer. We were at his bedside, waiting for the inevitable. I've also lost a number of friends to cancer.

My surreal moment came minutes after he passed away. We watched him breathe his last, everyone else cried, I was so focused on him stopping to suffer I didn't feel loss right away. But I had a song stuck in my head. It took a while to figure out what the song was. When I did, the waterworks started. I don't believe in anything supernatural, like ghosts or a soul. But to have a song "implanted" in your head seconds after your father dies was too weird to explain.






Last week was one year. I hopped on the bike that was his (it'll never feel like mine) and went for a ride. I played it on my ipod as I rode. I started to cry but kept riding cause the sun can't shine everyday.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

I appreciate it everyone :thumbsup:


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## Ash Andi (Jan 28, 2010)

Sorry for your loss. I can relate. Loss my older brother due to a heart attack back in 2002 in front of my parents house. 

Tried to 'bring him back' via CPR (certified from Red Cross), but I couldn't. He was 30. I'm helping my Mom raise his son who is 13 now.

Loss my Dad in Nov. 2009 from cancer (alcohol-related). He passed at his house with his immediate family with him. He was 62. 

I've always said death is a part of life, so embrace it. The thing that bothers me is the timing and circumstances. 

Stay strong and cry when you need to. Riding, or any exercise is good for depression, stress, etc. 

For me, time doesn't heal. You just get used to the pain. 

Take care buddy.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

^^^ Yo, that's rough...
You're probably right about the time thing too..


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## Ash Andi (Jan 28, 2010)

My parents told me when my brother passed that no parents want to lose their kids. I agreed although I have no kids.

But no kids should lose their parents (at a young age) either.


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## Fiskare (Sep 5, 2008)

Highdell, I can't make your loss any lesser, or make things better. That just isn't possible. Not even you can do that. The pain is real, and there is no way out of it except one day at a time...and I know this from my own experience.

I know it has been a while since you first posted. I remember that I almost responded then, but I just couldn't come up with anything that I thought would make any sense. For some reason, I feel differently now. 

Riding helped me deal with the loss of my second son, and the diagnosis (autism) of my first son, and the departure of my first wife....in that order, all in about a one years time. I would ride whenever I could, I did everything I could to ride every day. I would ride so hard I could only feel the physical pain. I made sure that at the end of every day I was so exhausted that I could sleep. I had been riding for years at this point, but riding my bicycle took on a very important role in my life. It wasn't for fun, or recreation, or anything like that, it was to help me find my center. I had an autistic son to raise, first and foremost, and a life to rebuild, time and circumstance allowing. I think it was the one thing I could control, because everything else was out of control, and really just happening around me. I was lost, dazed, overwhelmed, everything was everything, I couldn't focus, think longer term than the next few hours. I rode, I rode, I rode, and I slowly learned to accept that my life was over as I had known it, and the future was not going to be what I had expected. 

My son is wonderful in every way, and I meet wife 2.0 while on a ride. We ride together on a regular basis. My son rides too. He (now 9) out climbs, out XCs, and out descends my wife. My son likes to tell people that he is a 'bike guy', like his Dad.

All I can say is that things get better with time, but nothing is really ever the same.

My nephew just returned from Iraq. He was sent home because an IED killed the driver of his HumVee, took the legs off the front passenger, did some brain damage to my nephew, and left the fourth Marine untouched. So whenever I think I have it tough, I just look around and I realize that I am really one of the lucky ones.

Eyes open, eyes forward, and keep moving.

See ya on the trails,
the fisherman


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Fiskare said:


> Highdell, I can't make your loss any lesser,
> ...snip...
> Eyes open, eyes forward, and keep moving.
> 
> ...


Whoa man - you are a man of resilience and are an example of how to keep your chin up :thumbsup: 
Thanks..


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## jeff (Jan 13, 2004)

*Shingle Town? *

I might be the only other person on this board that knows where that is. We have a family cabin up the road from there. Lassen rocks!


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

jeff said:


> I might be the only other person on this board that knows where that is. We have a family cabin up the road from there. Lassen rocks!


right on!
the north state rocks!! 
lava rocks that is 

but hey man, Shingletown is one word - - - I know you know...just givin ya crap


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## jeff (Jan 13, 2004)

highdelll said:


> right on!
> the north state rocks!!
> lava rocks that is
> 
> but hey man, Shingletown is one word - - - I know you know...just givin ya crap


Shingletown.


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## Cujo (Jun 10, 2004)

Man, that is so sad. I feel for you bro. As i read your story I became choked up thinking of my mom and if that was me in that situation. Luckily my mom is still around and doing well. I know it will be really hard on me when my parents pass on and I don't really like to think about it. I am so sorry for your loss. Just keep riding. I know you must miss your mother and she sounds like she was a good mom. I don't know what else to say because I haven't experienced such a loss. Just focus on the good memories of her and smile when you think of her.


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## Glide the Clyde (Nov 12, 2009)

So sad to hear this. Take care.


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## Kaizer (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Highdell,

Sorry for your loss. My condolence for your and your family.

Hope the video will cheer you up a little and make u look at the bright side of things.





Stay strong.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

OK enough flowers...someone send me some parts!!  (j/k)


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Kaizer said:


> Hi Highdell,
> 
> Sorry for your loss. My condolence for your and your family.
> 
> ...


Thx, that gives me hope if I lose my arms!!:thumbsup:
I'm just kidding - (apparently I have to say that now)

Yes, I have a sense of humor when sh-it happens
I thinks it's one of the best ways to get through


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## brunomu (Jul 5, 2009)

i always see mountain bike like a real teraphy, like goin to a shirnk but much better and cheaper, i remember a few years ago when my dad pass away the only thing that i wana do was ride my bike, don´t care were, just be in the bike, is like when you are pedaling you start thinking things in your head and turn ideas up side down,you keep thinking and maybe at the end of the ride you don´t have the answer but sure you are goin to feel better,
good luck


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## trailtrash (Jun 25, 2009)

sorry to hear about your loss
time heals
and so does riding
hang in there


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## sherpa2000 (Dec 3, 2009)

My Nanna passed away this past May. She was such an amazing women raising my Dad, Uncle, and Aunt all by herself. Till the end, she was as sharp as a knife. For me personally she was always there when I was in college and came home. She made me breakfast, dinners, tea with biscuits, even put a hot water bottle in my bed before I went to sleep. 
Wel,l soon after she passed, I competed in my second mountain bike race this season and was racing for her. Much like you, I was in another zone. I'm cat 2 but after finishing the race, my times were mid pack elite. Needless to say I won Cat 2 overall by over 10 min. Crazy I know, but I couldn't feel my legs, they were just moving rapid pace by themselves, I heard nothing, saw nothing. I was just holding on for the ride. Being on my bike takes everything I have mentally and physically and channels it something else. Sometimes speed, sometimes meditation, but always addicting. I know my nanna was pushing me forward that day, much like your mom guiding you down the trail. Never forget that moment, and if you are in need of another one, don't be afraid to ask for her help again. Sorry about the loss of your mom, I’ll give her a thought when I’m riding today, I could use always do with the help.


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## GFAthens (Sep 10, 2009)

Sorry about your loss highdelll, Ride on


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## meltingfeather (May 3, 2007)

damns, dell.
i feel fer ya.


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## 5.0Trunk (May 12, 2009)

I'm kinda new here, and I know this post is about a year old, and my condolences go to you and your family.


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## Brodino (Sep 15, 2008)

Condolences Highdell


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## Bokchoicowboy (Aug 7, 2007)

Highdell, sympathies for you man on your mom last year and your friend "Cap'N" Ron this week. I lost my father on June 16th, and if I did not have the bike to get out on I do not think I would have managed it at all. Keep riding buddy.


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## tim208 (Apr 23, 2010)

it will get better with time. but you will never forget.


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## JPinFL (Jun 6, 2010)

My condolences, bro.
Losing people close to you is very tough. Always remember the good times, their smiles, and their laughs.


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## CONoobie (Jul 2, 2010)

Very sorry to hear about your loss. I am not sure how I will deal with losing my parents as they are still around, but I know from losing some very close friends that it is not an easy process. Remembering all the great times that made you smile helped me. Not sure if you are a Christian or not, but knowing she is in a better place also helps, and that you will see her again. I thought I was over and had let the emotions go from a good friend that died when I was in college, but talking about it a short while ago brought tears to my eyes. Losing someone close is never easy, but remembering the good times, and living life the best you can has been a help to me. Good luck, take care.


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## Cedar Branch Biker (Jul 28, 2010)

Highdell, only someone who has lost a parent knows what you are going through. When my father died, my mom and I were told we had to make a choice, and we to decide to turn off his life support. That always hurts because there is always that nagging thought, maybe there was still hope. Do what ever you can to make your mother proud. My father was so proud when I graduated from Coast Guard boot camp. He drove 400 miles to see me graduate. when I made Petty Officer, that was another thing that made him happy. Didn't mean to brag about my dad and me, Just do what you can to make your mother proud, I'm sure she'll know. My prayers are with you.


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## JEM2 (Feb 25, 2010)

Im sorry to hear about your Friend and Mom... My mom passed 6 years ago on August 15th... I miss her every day and reading this thread brings tears to my eyes.. I talk to her when I need her and look to her for support. 
Yesterday I raced my first Cat 2 race for her... Its funny, I kept seeing this chipmunk around the trail... it was at several turns, mostly when I was suffering, seeing that little chippy made me think it was mom cheering me on!! (she loved chipmunks..) 
Sorry buddy! ride hard!
JEM


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## justinhaddeland (Feb 4, 2007)

*I am very sorry*

I am sorry for your loss. My best friend of 18 years was killed by a drunk driver. I got the call at 7am, heard the news, and all I could think of to do was pull on my jeans and go to work. It was a Saturday in winter and the job site (construction) was empty, so I just worked silently.

What worked for me was having endless amounts of alone time in nature. Being in the woods with just my thoughts really helped me accept and reflect. It was still the most painful thing I'd ever had happen, but if I had been flooded with well-wishers and other grieving people I would've collapsed.

Good luck brother.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Thank You all , again, for the good words of support and tips.
It means alot to me - and maybe to others reading this.

here's my mom's vid I made - I don't expect anyone to watch it, but if ya do...It gets a little less sappy toward the end - and the songs were picked by her..
but feel free to laugh at all my goofy-ness as a kid - and now 





Aloha Andi from highdelll on Vimeo.

I wish I had access to photos to make a similar one for Ron.


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## 00sable (Oct 28, 2009)

Damn lump in my throat. I'm sorry dude! Life has a side we don't like to see. The older we get the more we understand our elders and what made them who they are. Wow did I say that


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## Glide the Clyde (Nov 12, 2009)

Chris, thanks for posting the vid and for allowing us, in this way, to share this with you.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

Thanks for watchin guys - I have to get a tissue every time - It sucked and was awesome at the same time making the thing.
I tried to drop into my 'artist-mode' and make the fades right. timing etc...but then I had to sift through hundreds of photos from albums - often, I'd get detracted by old pics of us as kids..me and my sis would just laugh - then it was back to 'business' - tough.


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## Ash Andi (Jan 28, 2010)

Beautiful video. Always a great way to remember, celebrate and honor the lives of those who have passed. My cousin (a pro video editor) put together an awesome DVD of my Dad. Had everyone crying at the funeral. Haven't watched it since Nov. '09.


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## Whason (Sep 15, 2008)

Highdell, I've always enjoyed your posts. I tell you I had a difficult time also when my Mom died in a ski accident a while back. Its good you posted it, gives some cartharsis. It took me years to fully recover from it. Hope you are feeling better. That original reponder was referring to the kubler ross stages, I'm personally not a big fan, I have found that ones mood can change quickly I would say from personal experience that one can go from angry to sad very quickly, and even years later something can trigger sadness.


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## outdoornut (Aug 13, 2005)

Scott O said:


> Keep riding, Keep talking to people, especially your dad.


Ditto ! Staying busy in the outdoors has been my greatest help. Have lost both my parents so know your pain. Being there for your Dad will make you both stronger.

ODN


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## bloodyknee (Jul 29, 2008)

Sorry for your loss. Having gone through this with my Dad a few years ago, I know how your days can be a real emotional roller coaster. Hang in there and know that people are thinking of you. 

Thanks for sharing your video, I really enjoyed it. I can tell that you had a great family, full of life and love. You can't ask for much more than that.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

outdoornut said:


> Ditto ! Staying busy in the outdoors has been my greatest help. Have lost both my parents so know your pain. Being there for your Dad will make you both stronger.
> 
> ODN


Yeah... sadly, I among others (close family/friends), believe my dad caused her death.
My dad announced that he was seein this 'chick' 2 weeks later and they got married on Valentines Day this year - Soooo...yeah - not talkin to my 'dad'...There's a buuuuuunch of crap I could go into - I just wonder why the DA wont prosecute/investigate like Michael Jackson (well, I really don't wonder).
So , pretty much lost both parents


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

bloodyknee said:


> Sorry for your loss. Having gone through this with my Dad a few years ago, I know how your days can be a real emotional roller coaster. Hang in there and know that people are thinking of you.
> 
> Thanks for sharing your video, I really enjoyed it. I can tell that you had a great family, full of life and love. You can't ask for much more than that.


Yeah, we did have a great family!
I feel lucky to have the life I was given


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## Christ D (Sep 2, 2007)

I feel your pain man , my dad died ten years ago . Not a day goes by without thinking of him. So much i wanted to ask him,so many things to disgus,so many .....everything.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I wasn't into bikes ten years ago , but when i got "the call" i went out at night for a walk,returning after several hours,not knowing where i was in those hours.


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## GDubT (Apr 13, 2010)

Sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine what that feels like. Best wishes to you and your family.


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## Fargal (Aug 23, 2009)

highdelll said:


> Anyone have any grieving tips? - I can sure use them..


I am so sorry for the sudden and untimely death of your mother.

When I experienced a death, I came to understand that there is an ebb and flow to the healing process. Some days seem to slip away quietly, effortlessly. Other days caught me off guard and something that served as a touchstone would open the floodgates of the raw feelings of loss. What helped me grieve my loss was to plant a beautiful tree. With each season that would come it would remind me that life is a cycle. There is rebirth and renewal and the promise of life. I consider the tree as a living memorial to the fallen and it brought me great comfort.

Perhaps in a special place on that trail you will find a means to memorialize your mother. A heartfelt letter written to your mother tucked away under a rock or tree may help you mourn her passing. Or maybe a beautiful poem written by you and tucked away in a bottle and buried.

You will know when the time is right to pay tribute to her and seek closure. There is no set time frame to mourn--it's different for each person. If you are having difficulty with her death, there are support groups available to help. A licensed clinical social worker, LCSW, is one source that's listed in the yellow pages under "counselor" or "social worker/social services". An LCSW can offer private counseling as well as direct you to a support group. Many social workers offer a sliding fee to work with different budgets. Many also accept insurance.

I hope this is of help to you. My thoughts are with you as you travel down this path.


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## sanjuro (Sep 29, 2004)

I know this is an old thread, but orry about your loss, HD. 

One bit of advice is I would not plan on going on some super technical ride. You are going to be doing a lot of thinking and your mind is not going to be on the trails.


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## Mountain Cycle Shawn (Jan 19, 2004)

sanjuro said:


> I know this is an old thread, but orry about your loss, HD.
> 
> One bit of advice is I would not plan on going on some super technical ride. You are going to be doing a lot of thinking and your mind is not going to be on the trails.


Really good advise. I had that bit me in the a$$ before.


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## highdelll (Oct 3, 2008)

This sums it up for me right now...




The Refreshments "Nada"


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## dietz31684 (Mar 30, 2010)

awesome song highdell, never heard the song (or of the band for that matter)


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