# Singlespeed Noir: The L.A. Files (long)



## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

Los Angeles; a city full of stars and scars, and I've had my share of both.










What a week it's been. It's Friday night and I'm ready to walk out of the office and head down to the Moustache Bar for my usual bourbon or three. I haven't had any leads on the murder case and I need a break like a bum needs a nickel - bad. Some poor bastard was found dead in his bed; stark naked with a pink bicycle fork shoved down his throat. There are signs of a struggle and my only clue is a torn decal in his hand that says "MARZ". There are some real sickos in this city.

I glance at my well-worn postcard of Hawaii and yearn for the day when I retire and spend my days fishing and sitting at tiki huts drinking umbrella drinks. Until that day comes I'm dragging my leather soles around this town like a washed up vacuum salesman. "Business Sucks".

I turn off my desk lamp, put on my hat and head for the door. That's when I see her.

Her slick black frame blocks the doorway. I stare at her for several beats, silently eyeballing her lines. 46-16 I estimate. Her legs are straight as an arrow and black as Kona coffee. An alley cat chase turns over some trash cans in the background, but we're unfazed by the crashing.










"Detective H. Wood?" she finally asks. My name never sounded so good.

"Depends on who's asking" I fire back.

"I need your help mister. My name isn't important right now"










Broads - you can't trust 'em and you can't store 'em in a closet like a mop. This one was different though, something about her spoke to me. She was a tough one - black and surly, my kinda gal. Definitely single and was going to be a real challenge if I was to get involved.

"Sorry sweetheart" I said. "Office is closed and I need a drink". I lit a cigarette and brushed past her. "Come back Monday" I said as I walked out.

"My name's C.C." she whispered.

I stopped cold in my tracks, the squeak from my shoes echoing down the hall.

"Come to the bar with me" I ordered. "Now".










We get in the elevator to the garage. I discreetly look down at her legs. "P2" she says.










She drives a Mavic MA-3. Black of course, with polished trim. We find it riddled with holes. I count 32. "Who would do this?" I ask. No answer. I grab her and quickly pull her into the shadows, she feels cold as steel.

We hop in my Brooks Champion and burn rubber. She admires the smooth leather. My mind races and I could tell her wheels were spinning too.

C.C. has been around. I knew who she was immediately and I dare say that lots of gents have taken her for ride. She's not always geared for what they have in mind, but cross her and she'll give you one hell of a ride.










At the bar, we sit at the dark, curved end.

"What's going on? Why did you contact me?" I ask.

"I found this in my purse one day "she says and pulls out a cassette. "Somebody wants me to have this but I'm terrified of what it might mean. I've hesitated about asking anyone so far&#8230;" I look at the cassette closely and see the numbers 11x32. It's as foreign to me as the Chinese fellas at the other end of the bar.

"What's stopping you?" I press.

Right now, it's the Shimano twins - Allex and X.T. They've teamed up with Modolo and together they make a powerful team - they can stop anyone at a moments notice.

"Who's Modolo?" I inquire, now motioning for the barkeep to freshen my glass and earn his quarter.

"He's an older guy with lots of leverage in this town" she informs me.










"How can you get around them?"

"The Cook Bros. and the Crank Bros. are both very close to me." She says. "They've been responsible for keeping me on a forward path and are a pretty strong team as well. Once you get them going its not easy stopping them."

I lit another cigarette.

"What do you smoke?" she asks. "Gearies" I replied. We locked eyes, time stood still and&#8230;.

"Another for the lady?" the barkeep interrupts&#8230;"Yeah, and don't you have some dishes to wash?" I snarl. Just then a Rastafarian band strikes up in the front of the bar. "Who's the group?" I ask the now -frightened barkeep.

"Chris King and the Headsets."

"Smooth" I say, and turn back to C.C.










I look down and notice that she wears a big black ring on her right hand, engraved with the word "Salsa". Dance champ? Gift from a Latin lover? This broad has more mysteries than the L.A. Library. She's double butted and has nipples like brass and the longer I sit looking at her the more I'm thinking we need to get out and hit the town. She's the kind I could dress up and take somewhere snazzy or take up into the hills for a dirty little roll through the brush. I realize it's been a while since I've been so taken by a dame like this. I come to my senses and get back to the task at hand.










"This whole thing sounds fixed to me" I tell her. "I have a friend that writes for the Thomson Post. I'll grease him and see what he knows. I also know a freewheeling guy over at White Industries, but I'll use him just as a backup in case things start going downhill fast."










I tell her that in the meantime she'll need some protection. I have a couple of friends from River City, OR that do a great job of keeping the riff-raff away without making a big splash. Would they help? Of course they wood.










Reassured that everything was going to work out, we leave the Moustache Bar and I take her back to her place. She invites me up to her apartment. I decline. She gives me her apartment number - PC7X. Something tells me I'll be seeing her again, no need to rush. I give her one last head-to-toe and peel off into the night, leaving a gust of newspaper and leaves swirling in my wake, catching C.C.'s frame silhouetted under the streetlamp in my rearview mirror.

The End


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

*epilogue*

1) SS 'cross mode
2) Supergirl!
3) Zebrawood fender detail


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## MDEnvEngr (Mar 11, 2004)

*Great!*

Fantastic story!


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## zman (Mar 16, 2004)

*And*

Beatiful photos!


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## zman (Mar 16, 2004)

*And*

Beautiful photos


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## phatlizard (Dec 31, 2003)

Fantastic!

Dirt Rag should print it so it will be safed for future generations to read ...
The Web is loosing stuff too easily!

phaty


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## Cloxxki (Jan 11, 2004)

Yeah, what Phaty says! Can I get the film rights?

Funky setup, that seat and those wheels on the same bike. I want your wheels. Trade your front for a new 700c tension disc?


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## Trevor! (Dec 23, 2003)

Fantastic posting Hollywood. I really do like your posts, and the photography is top notch IMHO.


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## SDizzle (Jan 12, 2004)

Mmmm...new desktop.










Nice work, Mr Chandler. S


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## icegeek (Feb 16, 2004)

Bastard. Just when I'd gathered the strength to go cold turkey on this affliction, H. Wood serves up shot of sweet, pure 100% agave passion. There is no fighting this bike forum *****. Once she's taken you for a ride, there's no walking away.


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## sslos (Jan 6, 2004)

*Really amazingly good!*

I really enjoyed that, Jeff!
The nod to your former epic was a nice touch.

the los


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## biss-ness (Aug 13, 2004)

nice...very nice.
excelllent pix


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## twysted_prism (Sep 14, 2004)

Beautiful


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## SSped (Jan 11, 2004)

*you creative Bastage*

You did it again. That was great.

SSped


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## gonzostrike (Jan 3, 2004)

got demmina cork suckin' ice hoses!

excellent work Hwood. Johnny Dangerously would be proud, as would Danny Vermin.


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## Padre (Jan 6, 2004)

Glorious. Just glorious.


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## FUD (Jan 24, 2004)

*briliant!*

my surly's no lady though, I think mine's her ne'r do well scofflaw of a brother.


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## aosty (Jan 7, 2004)

You rock!!

All that and you didn't drop by??!


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## SS Jerry (Dec 22, 2003)

*I am not worthy.......*

Bro....

Nice.

Lets do lunch on our rigs one day.

I will have my peeps call your peeps...

Ciao,

_js_


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## flamejob (Sep 18, 2004)

Subtle, beautiful pulp fraction


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## neville (Jan 7, 2004)

*A Pleasure*

To read and view

Thanks


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## TheSherpa (Jan 15, 2004)

HW officially has no life. Great post though even though i admit it took me awhile to catch on. I read it twice.

-TS


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## the_dude (Jun 18, 2004)

when you mentioned a few weeks ago that a follow-up to that last epic was in the works i thought..."neat, but there's no friggin' way he'll top that last one". i braced myself for a let down. well i was wrong. brilliant piece. you'er one creative dude. thanks for the entertainment!  

the_dude


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

nicely done!


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## fixgeardan (Aug 20, 2004)

nicely done very classy!


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## 1FG rider (Jul 9, 2004)

Awsome work Jeff. Both the pics and the writing. Love'd all the subtle references.


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## terminaut (Dec 19, 2003)

Ok - that's pretty entertaining...

...although I wonder if we should worry _just a little_ about you? ;-)


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## gpsser (Jan 5, 2004)

Hollywood said:


> 1) SS 'cross mode
> 2) Supergirl!
> 3) Zebrawood fender detail


mmmm.... Supergirl!

Very, very nice HW.
Superb piece of writing there, nice bike, and nice, uh, supergirl


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## PinsNeedles (Aug 14, 2004)

*More romantic than my story...*

Thanx HW for keeping romance alive.
My girl was a mail-order bride. I was lonely.
She's only got one gear and dirty feet, but she knows how to treat her man right.
I think she's starting to like me...


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## Zonic Man (Dec 19, 2003)

Without a doubt the finest new bike post ever in the history of MTBR.

This is what I come to this website for, Jeff. 

Thanks. 

You're a genius.


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## pimpbot (Dec 31, 2003)

*Great writing, H'wood!*

that made my night!


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## SSwoody (Jan 3, 2004)

Damn dude,
That was just about as entertaining as anything that I have read in awhile. Even more so than the movie "Gigli"  Big props to ya Hollywood and I agree with phatlizard.........that NEEDS to be in Dirt Rag. Enjoy the ride.


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## ~martini~ (Dec 20, 2003)

What can I day that hasn't already been said? First there was the Marzocchi break-up, and now the CC caper...Great essay's man. Can't wait for the next installment.


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## Fast Eddy (Dec 30, 2003)

*What do you eat?*



Zonic Man said:


> Without a doubt the finest new bike post ever in the history of MTBR.
> 
> This is what I come to this website for, Jeff.
> 
> ...


I can't think of anything more than this to say, but let me add that this may be the best bicycle picture I have ever seen. Bacall wasn't far behind though.










Easy conversion to CX is a nice touch, BTW.


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## veelz (Jan 12, 2004)

*SSweet*

I love black and white photography, it shows us the shades of grey in life. Hollywood, you have out done yourself. What is next? Shall we see a Beverly Hill Billies from the cruiser cotillion?

thanks for getting me out of lurker mode.


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## PROGRE-SS (Dec 31, 2003)

HW, that was simply awesome. It's been a while since I've been here, spending a lot of my time on a fixed gear site, although I'd lurk and contribute the odd post here and there. Nice post to come back to though. Keep it up!


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## moschika (Jan 12, 2004)

another masterpiece. 

without a doubt some of the best posting around. 

great pics, great story.

thanks.


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## striker (Jan 12, 2004)

*Outstanding*

Darn near the best post I've read on these boards! You need to submit it to Dirt Rag.


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## the_dude (Jun 18, 2004)

almost forgot to mention......sweet looking ride. really diggin' the fenders. 

the_dude


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## datako (Aug 27, 2004)

*La*

Great post.

BTW I didn't get one of those Supergirl attachments with my Surly, so I suppose it's just Tugnuts for me...


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## OneGearGuy (Jun 15, 2004)

*What he said...*



Zonic Man said:


> Without a doubt the finest new bike post ever in the history of MTBR.
> 
> This is what I come to this website for, Jeff.
> 
> ...


Don't stop now!
You really have a knack for this! Keep the stories rolling...


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## Spookykinkajou (Jan 9, 2004)

*Excellent!*

Thanks for the entertainment!!!

Nice laugh from this line:

"What do you smoke?" she asks. "Gearies" I replied. We locked eyes, time stood still and&#8230;.


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## yungracer (Aug 23, 2004)

*beautiful*

wow i have been a lurker for some time now and love to read what you guys write. i just have to say that that was the best artwork ever created! it was absoutly genious! thankyou guys so much for these awesome posts, maby some day i will........no probly not


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## GlowBoy (Jan 3, 2004)

*Wow!*

Beautiful story, HW, and beautiful bike.

Also, thanks for patronizing one of my LBSs - and yes, I know how much those wood fenders cost!


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

*thanks y'all!*

::blush::

thanks for playing along with my eccentric brainstorms that have to go _somewhere_, and mtbr is it for now. Most of this sh*t comes to me while I'm riding, then I just gotta run with it...

'twas funny watching people walk by as the strange man tried to hold his bicycle and take pictures of it on H'wood Blvd. Actually I probably just fit right in....another weirdo to avoid 

the bike is awesome, been riding it exclusively fixed, while the shiney new White freewheel sits on the other side of the hub waiting for its turn. The fenders are rad and the guys at River City are way cool to deal with. I love the seat but it's a tank. It's gotta weigh as much as the frame. Maybe a ti Brooks Swift one day...

Off to Mexico with it this weekend for the Rosarito to Ensenada 50 mile ride with 10k of my closest friends. I didn't think fixed would be fun on the hills there, but F it, some of y'all have inspired me through your posts to buck up and do it.

later!
Jeff

PS - stay tuned...


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## KeithG (Jan 14, 2004)

*Thanks Hollywood!*

I wish I had a fraction of your talent and creativity. That was a really great read for a Tuesday morning.


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## jh_on_the_cape (Jan 12, 2004)

It turned out well! My X-check turned out very very differently, not just the bean green.
What's so cool about the frame is that you can transform it into something else, if you want.
Great write-up and pics.
Have fun in Mexico.


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## cbchess (Dec 20, 2003)

*best post ever*

makes me want to run out and meet a tall dark hottie surly girl!


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## Meat Foot (Jan 14, 2004)

*H'wood, I am speechless....*

Makes me want another bike. Just when I thought I could kick the habit. How do I explain, after receiving another frame yesterday, that I "need" another bike?

Right on Jeff, will this be a trilogy? You know, everyone is doing it. You going to be up for BC this year?

Cheers,

Mike


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## SlowSSer (Dec 19, 2003)

h wood:

thank you for thet gem. i havent been on here due to a move, but damn, that was great to come back to. is film noir a hobby?


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## biknben (Jan 15, 2004)

Yo H'wood...That's some awesome writing but have to admit I'm slightly biased. 

Makes my CC just seem...well...normal!


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## jonowee (Apr 8, 2004)

Hollywood has done it again!,  another amazing post with character development.

That biarch "Marzi"...








(Innocent until proven guilty.)

... either "Marzi" struck back, or she was 'framed' (a possible continuation of the mystery  )...









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Hollywood how did you get the grainy look on the close-ups. Film or digital?
I would like to learn either way.


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## CraigH (Dec 22, 2003)

Seeing as you are now an internationally published author, I must say Congradulations!

I don't know how I missed this when you first posted it, but well done!


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