# Afraid to go out with a MTB-her



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Hello gals,
First of all, sorry for my intrusion in this holy femine part of the inter-web but this question is really aimed at you girls. I've talked about this to so many guys but they all agree with me so it's kind of a useless discussion. Now I want to see the other side of the equation. So here's the deal : I met a girl yesterday while riding. She was alone, I was alone, we we're both "lost" and we didn't know the trail. So thing come along and we rode together, but not for a very long period because I was 5-6H drive away from home and so I had to go. We still had time to chat a bunch while we went for lunch. We exchanged contacts because she stays not too far from my place (1H30 drive).

Enough for the background, here's the real deal.

*I'm absolutely terrified to go out with a girl that rides if she isn't at least as fast as I am.*

I introduced my ex-girlfriend to MTBing and I thought it was great... at first! The more it came along, the more I needed to go my own pace and the less I wanted to ride with her. In fact the only time I felt like riding with her was on recovery rides, because I was taking it easy and didn't mind stopping. This led to so many conflicts that I lost count.

Sometimes I just feel like riding alone at my own pace. I do some group rides but I also turn them down every so often because I want to be alone in the woods. I'm a very solitary person and the last thing I want from a relation is to be forced to compromise, especially when it comes to riding. It also happened often that I just lost my temper because the other's mood ruins my ride. I don't want to go through all this again so I was convinced that I absolutely didn't want a girlfriend that rides.

But the problem now is that this girl was great company, cute and that I'll probably get in touch with her. Are my fears of having a MTBing girlfriend founded? Are there any girl out there that can understand my desire for solitude? How do you react when your man wants to ride with friends (or alone) and not with you? Why do women always think they're the source of a desire for solitude?

Express yourselves ladies, and thanks so much for your unexpected support!


----------



## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

Hi!

Personally, I don't care if my bf wants to do a fast pace ride without me. The rides he does on his own or with others are generally rides I don't want to do anyway; an all day epic with a boat load of climbing etc. But we ride about 99% of the time together. It's always been on the table that he can do his own thing if I'm too slow for him. I hate people having to wait for me. So this new girl you met may think the same way.

Last thing, not all girls that mtn bike are the type you described who want their guy to be by their side all of the time or get offended if they aren't invited on rides. There are some of us that take are riding pretty seriously and we are completely capable of doing our own ride. Since this girl was out by herself, I suspect she can do her own thing.

Tiffany



PissedOffCil said:


> Hello gals,
> 
> *I'm absolutely terrified to go out with a girl that rides if she isn't at least as fast as I am.*
> 
> .Express yourselves ladies, and thanks so much for your unexpected support!


----------



## mudworm (Feb 19, 2007)

Based on the fact that you met her out riding on her own, maybe she enjoys the solitude in the woods as much as you do? 

When my husband and I ride, we never go out of our way to ride "together". He goes at his pace and I go at my own -- I like it that way. Most of the time, we do re-group at intersections (just so that nobody --usually me-- gets lost). If you think you'll get bored waiting at intersections, maybe you can do trackstand while waiting? And dating a MTB'er doesn't necessarily mean that you need to ride together all the time, does it? Anyway, good luck!

Edit: Just saw Tiffany's reply after I posted. We are basically saying the same thing. I just had a long pause attending to other things while typing my reply. Sorry for the repetition.


----------



## Andrea138 (Mar 25, 2009)

What if she's faster than you?

Edit: and +1 on what Mudworm said.


----------



## NicoleC (Sep 28, 2007)

There's nothing wrong with wanting to ride alone. I prefer to ride alone. I don't see an issue with you wanting to do most of your rides alone; you guys could always talk gear and trails and such.

But...



> I'm a very solitary person and the last thing I want from a relation is to be forced to compromise...


Relationships are always about compromise. Maybe that statement came out on the screen wrong, but if your response to meeting someone you were attracted to, had fun with and with whom you shared at least one common interest is "oh NO, someday I might have to do something the way she likes to!" then I wouldn't be worrying about the MTB'ing part.


----------



## deanna (Jan 15, 2004)

PissedOffCil said:


> Hello gals,
> I'm a very solitary person and the last thing I want from a relation is to be forced to compromise,


If you're not willing to compromise, why on earth would you want to be in a relationship?! Stay single and your world can be all about *YOU*. A _*woman*_ won't want to deal with the crap from a boy who won't compromise. Although a _*girl*_ might be OK with it -- there's a difference.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

First of all, I didn'T mention this but she clearly stated that she doesn't usually ride alone, by fear of falling and being stranded in the woods. She made an exception because she felt that she needed to ride because it was a seldom vacation since she's a doctor.

On the compromises part, again let me clarify by saying that I don't mind doing compromises but I've got to be the one from who the compromise originates. This means I don't like being forced into something and being stuck in the "I'll do it to prevent a fight" pattern. Compromises come easily when you love someone because you want to make your significant other happy. It turns out wrong when you feel forced to compromise and that's what I want to avoid.

Andrea, if she's faster than me, then I'm 100% fine with that. I know it's weird and so many dudes can't tolerate that but I'd be in heaven if it happened to me.

So anyways, I hear you but I kind of expected these answers. It's always funny when you talk with people about compromising in a couple they always come up with the same "I don't mind" answer. Truth is that after a while one person in the couple (as far as I know it is always the women, sorry!) starts expecting things/behaviors and when it doesn't go as that person had planned, fighting ensues. I'm not interested in this, I need a very comprehensive person which respects my self-proclaimed freedom.

Anyways keep the answers coming, I'm sure I can learn tons of stuff and I certainly need it!


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Sounds to me like you have some maturing to do in your approach to relationships.


----------



## 246366 (Jul 3, 2004)

It's gotta be better than dating woman who has no interest in mtbking right?

Just my opinion, but I think that even though my husband and I rarely ride together (with small kids, it's a given that you never ride together as good babysitters are impossible to find) at least we have the same common interests, friends (usually husband/wife mtb combos), dream vacation destinations, magazine subscriptions. The list goes on.............

Plus, you never ever get nagged at for spending too much at the bike shop, because chances are, she's there on a different day, spending more than you are!


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

formica said:


> Sounds to me like you have some maturing to do in your approach to relationships.


Seriously formica... What kind of comment is that and on what basis can you even say that? I know what I want from a relationship and I know what I'm looking for if I want it to last. What's so immature about that? Cut me some loose, will you? I'm not lying to you, I'm probably one of the hardest people to live with but that's how I am. I don't beleive that changing my character will help anything in the long run. I stay true to myself and if that means being alone I'm 100% fine with that. I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I just happened to meet a girl that, at first glance, seems great. So no I won't sacrifice my freedom just to be with someone. I respect that people don't agree, I don't pretend to be right but that's how it is. I would never sacrfice my free-spirit for anyone, NEVER. It's not even questionnable and it doesn't make me immature. I know 100% that a relationship in which I have binded hands would kill me.

mtbkers, I would not mind dating a woman that has no interest in MTBing. I have other interests and sure they have to match with the other's interests but cycling is my passion and if a girl's passion is something I don't care about I'm fine with that. I think it's better to have seperate passions than to live my passion only halfway through.


----------



## byknuts (Aug 9, 2008)

only problems I'm hearing here are:
A) you're assuming that she's not as or faster than you, and you might want to find that out first if it's such an issue
B) you're assuming that a relationship can grow even if you haven't so much as had coffee.

try getting the proper (non-bike) intros out of the way before you drop your "bomb" that she best be able to keep up!

BTW, end of your second post you said: I need a very comprehensive person which respects my self-proclaimed freedom.
Certainly makes it sound like it's not a partner on the trails you'd want anyways.

I agree with your whole "compromise can breed resentment" thing, but it doesn't have to. 
who knows?! she might be mature! might be perfectly content travelling ahead of (or behind) you and never ask for you to keep up or slow down.

but why the hell anguish over it if you haven't so much as figured out the rest of the intro/etc??? 
get the important stuff down first, then worry about who's faster...

@ Formica: way to fly the flag.


----------



## Andrea138 (Mar 25, 2009)

Glad to hear that you don't mind fast women 

Anyway... all joking aside, I think what we're trying to say here is that if you'd like to pursue this woman that you might have to occasionally ride slower than what you want, but that at the same time, she shouldn't ALWAYS expect you to ride with her and at her pace. 
Some ladies don't like that- they want you with them, at their pace, any time you ride your bike, and they don't want you to ride with out them... EVER. Those ladies are probably the ones you want to avoid anyway because that type of attitude will spill over into more important aspects of life. 

So this is the compromise we speak of- she should realize that you won't be with her on every single ride (whether you go at different times, speeds, and/or trails) while you should realize that every now & then, you'll need to slow down and enjoy each others' company. 
Capisce?

Oh yeah, and byknuts has a good point... she might hate you before you ever have the chance to worry about a relationship


----------



## NicoleC (Sep 28, 2007)

Do her a favor and leave her alone. Right now, leave all women alone. You're picking apart a relationship you don't have and insisting all women are oh so demanding on your precious freedom. 

Lose her phone number. Starting a relationship in your current frame of mind will doom it from day one.


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

PissedOffCil said:


> Seriously formica... What kind of comment is that and on what basis can you even say that? I know what I want from a relationship and I know what I'm looking for if I want it to last. What's so immature about that? Cut me some loose, will you? I'm not lying to you, I'm probably one of the hardest people to live with but that's how I am. I don't beleive that changing my character will help anything in the long run. I stay true to myself and if that means being alone I'm 100% fine with that. I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I just happened to meet a girl that, at first glance, seems great. So no I won't sacrifice my freedom just to be with someone. I respect that people don't agree, I don't pretend to be right but that's how it is. I would never sacrfice my free-spirit for anyone, NEVER. It's not even questionnable and it doesn't make me immature. I know 100% that a relationship in which I have binded hands would kill me.
> 
> mtbkers, I would not mind dating a woman that has no interest in MTBing. I have other interests and sure they have to match with the other's interests but cycling is my passion and if a girl's passion is something I don't care about I'm fine with that. I think it's better to have seperate passions than to live my passion only halfway through.


On what basis? You sound selfish. It sounds like its all about what _you_ won't be willing to give up for a relationship. IMSHO, you sound young, and self centered. No one should have to sacrifice their freedom for a relationship. That is why you should be careful who you pick. Maybe this gal isn't the right one, or maybe you aren't ready for a relationship that would require you to give up more of yourself than you are willing to at this point in your life. If you are in a relationship that is "binding your hands" or any such crap, you are in the wrong relationship or you aren't ready for one. Not all women are controlling and manipulating, or say what the guy wants to hear just to get a ring on their finger.

FWIW, I've been married 29 years, and neither of our passions have been trompled on. If nothing else, having the support to do the things you love creates more love.



> Truth is that after a while one person in the couple (as far as I know it is always the women, sorry!) starts expecting things/behaviors and when it doesn't go as that person had planned, fighting ensues.


"the women". Puhleese, you ought to be smarter than that, posting a statement like that in here. You mean to tell me "the men" don't ever start expecting things/behaviors and when it doesn't go as planned, fighting ensues. Of course not. The Men never do that.



> I need a very comprehensive person which respects my self-proclaimed freedom.


Are you a very comprehensive person that would respect someone else's self proclaimed freedom?


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

No worries I'm not skipping steps here but the girl just raises the issue that has been ongoing in my head. For the last 2 years (since my ex left me, mostly because I lost my temper on bike rides...) I felt like I should stay away from riders to prevent the same conflicts I had with my ex. The issue has been ongoing and the newly met girl just brought me to ask other women what they think. I understand we're all different and stuff but I've never met a girl that saw a relationship the way I do.  I just have this feeling that gfs are too possesive/controling all the time. Don't worry, I know I'm wrong, but they just seem rare...

byknuts, we rode together for like an hour, I know she can't keep up. Or it was a bad day for her, whatever, my feeling is she can't keep up. "Those ladies are probably the ones you want to avoid anyway because that type of attitude will spill over into more important aspects of life." Exactly but if she's as passionate about bikes as I am I feel, she'll always want to ride when I want to and going seperate ways seems weird, no?


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

> "Those ladies are probably the ones you want to avoid anyway because that type of attitude will spill over into more important aspects of life."


Sorry dude you are just pushing my buttons today.

Lots of us are slower than our guys, always will be. So what? Does that make us less desirable somehow? How could being slow on a bike spill into more important aspects of life?

Also, lots of couples also don't always ride together. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.It's not a requirement of coupledom that you have to ride together all time. Communicate about it, sure, but not obligate.


----------



## verslowrdr (Mar 22, 2004)

formica said:


> PissedOffCil said:
> 
> 
> > I need a very comprehensive person which respects my self-proclaimed freedom.
> ...


Ding ding ding- we have a wiener! :thumbsup:


----------



## byknuts (Aug 9, 2008)

Andrea138 said:


> Glad to hear that you don't mind fast women
> 
> Anyway... all joking aside, I think what we're trying to say here is that if you'd like to pursue this woman that you might have to occasionally ride slower than what you want, but that at the same time, she shouldn't ALWAYS expect you to ride with her and at her pace.
> Some ladies don't like that- they want you with them, at their pace, any time you ride your bike, and they don't want you to ride with out them... EVER. Those ladies are probably the ones you want to avoid anyway because that type of attitude will spill over into more important aspects of life.
> ...


LOL! my point was worded a bit nicer I think.
let me elaborate on my point:
my wife has a blingier bike, but only because i built it for her! 
(she owned a raleigh when we met!! an honest to goodness raleigh!! with thumb shifters!! and 1 piece cranks!!! gah!!)
I'm faster and more aggressive, but she can ride her bike for 10 hours at a time, whereas I start to burn out closer to 6.
she's got stronger arms, but not stronger legs than I.
she's a biologist at heart, I'm an engineer.
she works for a charity, I work for the government.
i hated coffee when we started dating, she loved it, now I'm the caf-fiend and she's all about juices....

worry less about the future, get the now down pat.  
cause if bikes were the only thing we could've talked about when we met... well... a RALEIGH?! :eekster: 

I'm not denigrating your right to ask the question about how to approach that future, I'm thinking that it's an unnecessary concern at this point.

Only reason I sounded off on the point is my best friend just SUNK himself by trying too hard to establish a salient connection, without allowing it to occur in its own time.
I know where you're going with the question, but I'm thinking you shouldn't jump the gun too much on it, cause it really IS less relevant once the rest of it all falls into place.

Feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt though.

PS: holy hating on a guy who's honest! 
if he'd been a woman and asking "how much should I compromise and slow myself down for this guy who I kind of like" 
how many would've said "he should just learn to keep up!" 
(and again... he might HAVE to be keeping up... let's not rule that out!!)


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

NicoleC said:


> You're picking apart a relationship you don't have and insisting all women are oh so demanding on your precious freedom.


No you got it wrong, I'm not picking anything apart. It's just that when I meet a girl that rides, my firends tell me that it's great and I feel otherwise. I'm just wondering why.



formica said:


> Sorry dude you are just pushing my buttons today.
> 
> Lots of us are slower than our guys, always will be. So what? Does that make us less desirable somehow? How could being slow on a bike spill into more important aspects of life?


Absolutely not but if I end up in a conflict every time I feel like riding alone I won't engage in the relationship. I don't feel like being slower can spill on other aspects. What Andrea said or at least what I understood is that if she expects me to ride with her all the time and is very controling about it, it might show some kind of will to control everything.

I simply have this feeling (from experience and friends' experience) that having a shared passion is a source of conflict. I seriously hope I'm wrong I'm telling you but up to now my life has proven me otherwise. formica seriously chill out. I'm not bashing on women, not accusing of inferiority or whatever you're accusing me of. Simply relating to my own experience and building up on that.

Again I repeat, I'm not pretending to have the holy truth and some sentences might come out wrong because I'm french, I don't know. I'm just here seeking advice and get thrown tomatoes for saying what I lived up to now. What's wrong with that?

and BTW, "Are you a very comprehensive person that would respect someone else's self proclaimed freedom?" to which I will answer "f*ck yeah" but you won't believe me will you?


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

byknuts said:


> I'm not denigrating your right to ask the question about how to approach that future, I'm thinking that it's an unnecessary concern at this point.
> 
> Only reason I sounded off on the point is my best friend just SUNK himself by trying too hard to establish a salient connection, without allowing it to occur in its own time.
> I know where you're going with the question, but I'm thinking you shouldn't jump the gun too much on it, cause it really IS less relevant once the rest of it all falls into place


You're damn right I might end up saying "whatever she rocks!!!"



byknuts said:


> PS: holy hating on a guy who's honest!
> if he'd been a woman and asking "how much should I compromise and slow myself down for this guy who I kind of like"
> how many would've said "he should just learn to keep up!"
> (and again... he might HAVE to be keeping up... let's not rule that out!!)


I'll have to thank you for taking my side here!!!! I felt rapped.

Ok I've got a bike to fix now, off to the "real work"


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Sorry I am not really a b****, just getting my buttons pushed and that's probably not the best time to post. I'll leave it to the other gals to offer suggestions.


----------



## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

PissedOffCil said:


> .
> 
> I simply have this feeling (from experience and friends' experience) that having a shared passion is a source of conflict. I seriously hope I'm wrong I'm telling you but up to now my life has proven me otherwise.


Wow, sharing a passion is a source of conflict for you? Kinda like if you both LOVED icecream you fight over who ate the last bit? Doesn't that just go into the lame fight category that you (if you're smart) learn to avoid because, it's stupid to fight over icecream. And even more stupid to fight over RIDING YOUR BIKE!

Tiff


----------



## 246366 (Jul 3, 2004)

formica said:


> Sorry dude you are just pushing my buttons today.
> .


Maybe there's a reason he's single? Sorry mate, just pulling your leg. Really. One day that dream woman will come your way. She'll be 6 foot, look like Gaby Reece, she'll, ski, surf, rockclimb, mountain bike, but be gracious enough to hold back and let you think you're the boss. She'll cook just the way you want, always look perfectly turned out, but obviously never expect you to complement her. She'll have 36c boobs and be an expert at origami. She'll always laugh at your jokes, but never get so drunk that she embarrasses you in front of your friends.

She'll be called Martha, Martha Stewart.


----------



## 246366 (Jul 3, 2004)

*Ps,*

Feel free to hurl abuse at me. I've been with my SO for 24 years and to him I'm all those things (I'm sure he'd disagree and my boobs are waaaayyy smaller than 36c, but in my mind I'm all those things.) Plus, I can build/fix my own bike. What more could a man want


----------



## Nerdgirl (Mar 13, 2007)

I'm not sure any internets forum is the appropriate place to look for relationship advice.

Different things work for different couples. Some want to spend all their free time together and some are happy doing their own thing. For me, personally, my desire to spend time with my sweetie outweighs any frustrations about "doing things my way". I think the same thing applies for him too. But that's us. It doesn't have to be you.

I think the worrisome thing is the need to have a checklist before letting a relationship develop naturally. Maybe the two of you will just become friends and occasional riding buddies. Maybe not. If you like spending time together, then spend time together. The end.


----------



## antonio (Jan 18, 2005)

I think Formica's posts have been pretty spot-on.

To the OP, you sound like a generally nice guy, but you need to commit to a bit more reflection and metacognition regarding your take on relationships, women, and yourself. The generalizations you've made about women are wrong, and really need to be reexamined. Then again, perhaps there is something about your personality or your way of selecting potential partners that leads you to date women who only fit that stereotype you've created - hence you believe all women are that way.

Whatever the case, you should commit to a bit more learning and growing before seriously getting involved with anyone, mountain biker or not.


----------



## LWright (Jan 29, 2006)

It's not about the bike/ride._ "Those ladies are probably the ones you want to avoid anyway because that type of attitude will spill over into more important aspects of life."_ 
Sounds like the ex was one of this type. It also sounds like you have/had some maturing to do yourself, _"since my ex left me, mostly because I lost my temper on bike rides "_
It boils down to security, or self esteem.
Check your own, make adjustments as needed, learn to recognize security or a lack thereof in others and build relationships accordingly.
The only way to do that is to allow time to get to know someone.
Ladies, and beotches, please forgive the intrusion.


----------



## byknuts (Aug 9, 2008)

sometimes those "generalizations" that we all think are nonsense are really just "only experiences I've had so far".
and THAT door swings both ways unfortunately.

much as many pitied me making a point of sabotaging my relationships before the SOs had a chance to leave me first... I pity (strong word but the sentiment's there) anyone who's afraid of that one point getting in the way of trying.
we all have that one button that gets pushed. maybe that's it for this guy?

anyways for all intents and purposes, he's bolted, thread's degraded into "why you suck" and yes, the internet is NO place for relationship advice, as noone here has any context to place you in (except the context you choose to show them)


----------



## Elle Elle (Mar 27, 2006)

*I can only give you my experience....*

I met my (now husband) 23 years ago biking. We've been married for 21 years and still ride together. BUT, it takes some give and take, like anything in a relationship! For the first 18 years of our marriage he was faster than me (he's ten years older) and we rode together most of the time, or at least started out together. I got frustrated because I couldn't keep up but I knew he had to go his own pace as we were training for races. He always raced faster than me and I was okay with that.

Now.....I am faster than him and its the age thing. He may be frustrated that I'm faster but he's really cool about it.

So, a couple of points from me,
1. Everything in any relationship is about give and take, and compromise. 
2. I've seen plenty of bike widows and widowers who are nothing but frustrated at their spouse and the relationship nearly always suffers. Having biking in common is a good thing!
3. What goes around can also come around (you may not always be faster than her!)
4. Give the guy a break, girls, he's learning from us.

Good luck!


----------



## verslowrdr (Mar 22, 2004)

Just looked at your profile, and I see you're a video game programmer. It's all making more sense now- and I don't intend that in a mean-spirited way. The video game industry tends to be populated with younger guys, although there are certainly exceptions to this, and then there's the issue of who tends to write code....

IMO the prototypical 'young male geek' often requires fairly extensive exposure to various human relationships (NOT just girlfriends) before they gain the right skill set to really maintain them smoothly. Geeks tend to be loners, their logic circuits can easily override normal human etiquette, and it often takes a special person to live with them even after they've started figuring out how all that strange social stuff works. The good news: once they get that far, geeks can make fabulous spouses because they tend to make such commitments with their brain instead of relying on criteria more easily eroded by life's wear and tear.

My advice (which probably aint worth the electrons it's going to waste): give yourself plenty of practice just being FRIENDS with people of various ages, genders, backgrounds, etc. before getting too wound up in the relationship minefield. Loosing your temper repeatedly about riding a bike with someone is a red flag that some edge needs sanding down, and the fact that you're still worried about that after meeting a random gal in the woods means it hasn't even remotely been resolved. These things take time and do not typically progress in a linear fashion, so it can be frustrating... but ultimately worth it.

Disclaimer: yeah I can giggle over xkcd's little Bobby tables, and the other week when I got eeebuntu running (with wireless! recognizing the SD card!) on my EeePC I had to think a moment about who I was going to report my triumph to, as quite a few of my friends would just go blank.


----------



## IttyBittyBetty (Aug 11, 2005)

My take on this is that there may be conflict between a mountain biking guy and his girl whether she rides or not IF there is a fundamental problem with the relationship. If there is trust and love and if both partners feel confident in themselves and in their relationship, it shouldn't matter. Where I see the problem arising is when trust/love/confidence is lacking in one or both. That's when a non-mountain biking girlfriend may get all wiggy about her guy spending all his time riding his bike; if she was confident in the relationship, she'd be OK doing some things separately. That's when a mountain biking guy leaves his girlfriend alone all the time while he rides with his buds; if the relationship was sound, he'd want to find other ways to spend time with her that they both liked. That's when a conflict might occur between a mountain biking couple; she may not feel confident about her riding or he may not have the level of feelings to make her feel good about the ride. That's when a mountain biking guy has issues when she turns out to be faster than him AND he is not solid in his self-confidence (been there, done that).

I say this as half of a mountain biking couple. I ride very well and pretty darn fast, but in my book, any _strong_ male rider should be faster than a strong female. OK there are a few really unusual exceptions, but I'm talking mere mortals here. I'm happy that my BF is faster than me (although I _have _beaten him twice in a 24 hour SS solo race). When I first met him, he was a newbie and he had NO problem with me being faster than him. Now that the tables have turned, I am OK being the slower of the two of us. We sometime ride in groups without each other (I do a weekly gurlz ride), but my BF and I ride about 75% of the time together. I chase him all over the mountains and he waits for me every so often. He does not mind at all (we talk about it, so I know). He loves me and he loves mountain biking so why wouldn't he want to ride with me, his favorite person in the world (he said this, not me)?


----------



## MtbRN (Jun 8, 2006)

Errrrm... pardon me for getting into the discussion a little late. But isnt there a note in the FAQ that this is not an "advice for the lovelorn" forum?

Eharmony has a whole bunch of forums dedicated to relationship issues, and it is free to sign up on them. If yer looking for dating advice, why not go there? Maybe they can help you sort out your ambivalence. Fer cryin' out loud, you just met this person and you are already figuring out all sorts of reasons NOT to go out with her. I agree with Nicole, do her a favor and leave her alone.

And feel free to post about _mountain biking _anytime.

That is all


----------



## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

Look - lumping all female mountain bikers together and assuming they are all needy and cannot ride without you is like saying, damn, my ex liked Mexican food. We even fought in a Mexican restaurant once. So I can't ever date anyone who likes Mexican food. 

It sounds like you're not really understanding what the real issues were with your previous relationship. If the issue was that she was too needy for you, then it's unlikely that it would have been any better if she didn't bike. Instead of wanting to go riding with you every time you rode your bike, she'd have wanted you to NOT go riding and do other things with her instead. That's not an improvement, is it?


----------



## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

PissedOffCil said:


> Enough for the background, here's the real deal.
> 
> *I'm absolutely terrified to go out with a girl that rides if she isn't at least as fast as I am.*
> !


If this is true, then don't call her. Really.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Hey,
I hope you all feel better this morning because you have been harsh yesterday. I didn't fell like any background info was relevant so I didn't give much. I was just wondering if my fears of having a riding girfriend were founded. I wasn't talking about the specifics surrounding this particular girl in any way, it was just the background that led me to ask about a subject that I'm interested in. I'll give a bit more info because you it seems you feel it's interesting but I'ds really like to get back on subject. So here are a couple of clarifications.

First of all, *I'm not seeking any advice whatsoever*, I'm just interested in having this discussion, period. This post is not a post about giving advice, just sharing experiences. I'm absolutely certain that girls have had problems in the past with their man being an ass when riding or anything related to it. It can be about spending on bikes, on riding with friends whatever. You will not make me believe this nevre occured in your 20-whatever years of marriage.

Secondly, I don't think age and/or job are good enough indicators to know someone. Yeah I guess you can say I'm young at 25 and yeah I'm a video game programmer but what does it say? Some people grow up faster than others because of incidents in their lives. The most mature person I've ever known is younger than me (the ex I mentionned) because she's had a rough life. She lost both her parents before she hit 20 and whether you like it or not it makes you grow faster and take a different toll on life. So I'm 25 and you might think I'm 15 by reading my stuff but most people think I'm older than 25 when they see me and even more when we have serious discussions. I've lost my father, godfather (ex's father) and grandfather in the course of 2 years. It's been a downwards spiral from then on leading to me taking shelter in cycling. Cycling is everything I care about nowadays and I think it's perfectly legitimate and comprehensible that I'm not getting off. It might be rude but that's it. Cycling has been too important in my life that I can't let go anymore. Half-salvation, half-curse. And my job doesn'T really define who I am either. I love programming but I mostly hate video games. I don't consider myself a geek (apart from a total bike geek, I admit) this is just my job and the more I work here, the less I feel liek staying. My second career will certainly be cycling related.

Thirdly, regarding the ex. She was andd still is the best person I've ever known. She was absolutely comprehensive and I screwed up. Sh!t happens, I sucked it up and we are now extremely close friends. Yeah you read that right we're not only still friends, riding partners but we're the best of friends. I trust nobody as much as I trust her and it works the other way around too. All my friends think it's so weird nad don't quite understand what this is all about but what do I care? I've had friends tell me they would never be able to do that but I see no reason not to remain friends. I loved the person she was and still love the person she is. We've had rough times with all these deaths, I took refuge in cycling and ended taking it too seriously that it ruined our relationship. Oh well, today I'm just very glad we're are good friends and glad that I can tell her I want to ride alone without having the occasional fight that ensued. She was very comprehensive though and let me ride alone when I felt like it, it just occured that I wanted to be alone too often, like all the time.

Anyways back on the subject, I just wanted to hear stories about relationships between bikers and non-bikers. Jus to see what's out there. I know deep inside that my desire to be with a girl that doesn't ride is subtle because it doesn't mean anything about the person. So I guess I've had my answer there, I was putting all eggs in the same basket. I'm still curious though as to what others have lived in that regards. What conflicts? What awesome moments? I just want to share the good, the bad and the ugly. So if you just feel like taking a dump on my head go on, I don't care a second. I really enjoyed the comments from byknuts, Elle, Betty, connie, etc. You all seemed open to discussion so thanks. Keep those experiences coming I'm interested.

As for others, as I said feel free to abuse of me I have more important things to do than bother with people I don't know and don't care about.

I think that's about it...

P.S. BTW I will drop the girl an e-mail or phone call for sure because I told her I will and I'm a person of my word. I don't pretend to know the girl, I don't know where this will lead me and in fact I don't really care. I like taking things lightly and letting life bring me where it wants to.


----------



## Nerdgirl (Mar 13, 2007)

PissedOffCil said:


> I just wanted to hear stories about relationships between bikers and non-bikers.


All right, I'll share.

I'm probably the kind of girl you would have yelled at on the trail. I probably would have broken up with you fairly promptly. When my SO and I first started dating, I was keen on mountain biking but terrible at it. He was way more skilled than I and I crashed way more often than he did. I felt really insecure about holding him back and I'm also really competitive, so I hate being worse at something. This would lead to fights when he'd provide a nice piece of helpful advice immediately after I crashed and had tonnes of adrenaline in my system. BUT. He still seemed to always want to ride with me. And I wanted to ride with him. Over the years, we've evolved. For quite a while we had a "rule number one" that meant that I always led, because him leading meant that we didn't actually end up riding together (he's too fast) and I would panic about getting lost because I have zero sense of direction. He's been super patient. He also goes on rides without me, which I'm totally cool with.

Now we race regularly, which is an opportunity for both of us to go at 100% without slowing anyone down. We also do stage races together, which we both love. I've turned into a much faster rider and I'm considerably more confident in my skills. Now, I'm often happier if he's leading, so I can watch his lines (and bum). Although I'm not quite as fast as him, when we ride together (which is most of the time), he finds ways to make it challenging for himself. For example, he'll do a chunk standing, or in a higher gear than me (road riding; on the trail we ride SS). He claims his technical skills have improved from following me because it forces him to have awesome bike control.

I love having someone I can share such a big part of my life with. And I'm certain it's mutual. For us, it's so worth any compromises we've made. In fact, they barely feel like compromises.

Best of luck and I hope you work out your hangups.


----------



## Swthrtsuzy (Sep 1, 2008)

Wasn't going to post, but I'm feeling froggy today.

You should definitely try it with this girl. The worst thing that's going to happen is that you have someone to go on a ride or two with before you decide to part ways. Best thing is that maybe she's 'The One." I'm not going to comment on your age (I'm close to your age), or your career (the boyfriend is a coder, too), but I will say that you should focus on just doing it rather than worrying about it. Also, don't think that these ladies are being harsh just to be harsh. They all have a great deal of insight and life experience and are all right on different levels. However, since you're not asking for advice, here's my story and why I think that it might just work out if you stop worrying life and just live it:

My boyfriend and I started riding at the same time. From day 1 he was faster, better, more fearless. He would leave me behind by 10 minutes sometimes. I was okay with that because I know my own limits and am aware that I'm an out-of-shape chunky monkey. Sometimes I wanted to slash his tires because I was angry that he could clear a rock garden that reduced me to tears, but I never did because I didn't want to buy new tires for him. Sometimes I got so frustrated with the fact that he'd just take off and forget about me that I wanted to turn around, but I never did because, frankly, I'm stubborn. Eventually I learned to just enjoy the ride for what it was. Some days are just slow, enjoy nature days. Some days are fast, push my limits days. And, just by letting it be I've gotten to the point where I can not only keep up with the BF, I can out-ride him, too. Not always, but it's been known to happen. Together, we enjoy pushing each other, spending the time together, being out in nature, just riding. And it doesn't really matter which one of us is first, fastest or fearless. It just is. 

If this girl's the right one, it'll just happen, but don't not pursue her because you're worried it won't. Good luck.


----------



## BoiseBoy (Mar 1, 2006)

PissedOffCil,

I read your post and see a lot of the younger me in your words. I think that I understand where you are coming from to a large extent because we have had similar experiences and ways of thinking.

First, I will say that you are young and have more growing to do. At your age I seemed to have everything figured out and had everything going for me. Life was about me and the direction that I wanted to head. This served me well in many areas and I was largely happy with my life, whether somebody was a part of it or I was navigating by myself.

I too dated a girl at your age that was (and still may be) the greatest person that I have ever met. We broke up largely because of my drive and focus being on career and athletics and not so much "us". By the way, she was an even better athlete than I was and ten years ago I couldn't keep up with her on our bikes. We broke up and became very close friends like you and your Ex. I always thought that time would pass and we would still end up together....that never happened.

Fast forward a few years.
I met a girl who was also athletic, but different in her approach to me and my life. Truth be told I had just grown up more than anything else. 
This person recognized that I was passionate about mountain biking and knew that she would not stand in the way of it. What she taught me though, was that I could still have passion, but I could also have a life outside of it and continue to grow as a person. This is the point that you will eventually reach. You will realize that riding, training, being alone on your rides etc. is very important and should not be taken away, but there is so much more out there. This is hard to grasp only because you are not there yet. I am not dissing you on your maturity, but speaking from my experiences that seem to be quite similar to yours.

I still ride a significant amount and train for my races like I did before, but I also make a point of spending time riding with my wife because not only does she like it, but I enjoy the time with her. She does not race and she cannont keep up with me, but it doesn't matter. It is not what is important. 

She feels that she holds me up so what I will often do is a more intense hour loop before I meet her for our ride together. I will get an hour of intense riding in and then an hour of moderate riding in together. She knows that I like to also do longer, more technical rides that she would not enjoy so she is fine wtih me doing my own rides as well.
The big difference is not her versus me or my ride time versus spending time with her, it is a mutual compromise. You will eventually realize that having a healthy relationship is far more important and satisfying than not getting enough ride time in or having your alone time. 

Give the girl a call as you never know what is going to come from it. Realize as well that you are still growing and maturing as an individual. Keep what is important to you, but be willing to learn and grow. This person may make you realize things that you had never imagined, but only if you give it a chance.

Good Luck


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Well thanks for the last couple of posts, it gets the "hamster" running.

I think the problem I really have is that I enjoy riding alone so much that I fear this love of the ride will get in the way with a slower gf. I don't really enjoy group rides, I feel like I'm wasting my time waiting for others or just chatting. It was pretty much the same with my ex and still is to this day. I ride with her every so often because she doesn't have a lot of friends to ride with but I never really enjoy it. Riding my bike is something I prefer to do alone, it helps me get the bad out of my head, it soothes my soul. Having someone with me (even if that person is faster but to a much lesser extent) just prevents me from getting a flow and that's where the magic occurs. I guess I'm just afraid to lose that like someone might be afraid to lose some friends that their gf doesn't like.

In the end I'm just questionning myself and looking for different opinions and stories to "grow up", like it has been mentionned. And truth has been spoken too. Chances are I'm not interested in a relationship but life chooses otherwise and you might just end up meeting the best person at the worst of times. So why block opportunities?

Anyways I appreciate your comments! As I said it gets me thinking...


----------



## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

Well, if you just want more stories - here's mine.

I had basically zero mountain biking experience when I met my husband. And he had been racing for years, so obviously - he was light years faster than I was. But we actually met skiing, and both were at close to the same speed and such there, so I guess he figured I'd learn.  

The first couple years of biking definitely weren't without frustration. I'm competitive and stubborn and to say I didn't like getting dropped every ride would be a pretty big understatement. I liked riding downhill more than climbing and he didn't need much convincing to buy a longer travel bike and we got into racing DH. Not that we've given up on trail riding - we still do both a lot, and lately we've been road biking and such as well. (This might be the biggest danger of being married to someone who is equally obsessed with bikes... if one buys something new, the other instantly NEEDS one too. He bought a Giant AC1 back in the day, so I topped that and bought an RM9. So he bought a real DH bike... and then we were good for a while until I decided to buy a dirt bike, so he bought a dirt bike. And then I bought a singlespeed and when he couldn't keep up with me on the climbs with my new light bike, he bought a light XC bike too. And then this spring I bought a road bike... and he got one a month or so later. Come to think of it, I'm the instigator in a lot of this. Hmmm.... Actually, it's fairly funny listening him to complain to his friends who are married to women who don't ride, about how I "MADE" him buy a motorcycle. Yes, the horror. I'm sure they are very sypmathetic as they head out for a weekend of antique shopping.  

Anyway, it's not like we've never had arguments on a trail before. There are times when I've gotten frustrated (usually by my own slowness more than anything else) and times where he's said things that just aren't cool. "What took you so long? I was going super slow..." Yes, I know that what you're saying is that usually I'm right behind you, but I still don't want to hear about it if I'm having an off day. If I have some sort of mechanical problem, I'd let you know... But over time you learn to be cautious with handing out unsolicited advice or saying things that get on each others nerves. And you learn that if you really want to ride at a nonstop race pace, you should either a.) enter a race or b.) go on a training ride by yourself. 

Honestly, at this point, our biggest complaint about riding together is that we don't get to do it often enough. We both do plenty of riding alone, and probably half the races I've done this season have been ones that I've headed off to with my team without him. Lots of people seem to think that's weird, but our policy is that if you're not participating, attendance is optional.  We kind of started out with that with injuries - it can be kindof like torture to sit around watching people do what you want to be doing but can't... so there's no pressure to spectate. And that seems to work really well for us. 

The biggest thing IMHO about riding with your significant other is communicating your expectations. I'm sure you've seen the debates here on trail etiquette and what pace to ride at in a group, etc. And for my husband and I and our normal group of riding friends - you start together, fastest people in the lead, and wait at intersections or other rest points as needed. We often have a rotating group order as some people climb faster and others descend faster. If you don't show up in a reasonable amount of time, someone will go back to look for you. It may be a while. If you're not comfortable with that policy - you need to speak up. I mean - I enjoy going out with beginners too - letting them take the lead, helping them with stuff if they want me to. And I'm not about to leave a slower rider alone behind the group if it's going to freak them out. But the point is that it's about communication. If you're not flexible about how things are done or aren't sure what the group etiquette is, you've got to speak up and make sure everyone is on the same page before you get going. 

Same is true for your significant other. If you've been craving a long solo ride, say so. They can't read your mind, but hopefully they can understand that you sometimes want to have time to do things that are important to you without them. And conversely, hopefully you can sometimes understand if they want you to ride at their pace and just chat while riding. You just have to communicate it effectively (hopefully in a "you know what I REALLY enjoy and want to do sometimes is ride alone/go for a mellow ride where I can talk to you - it's so great for my training/to relax mentally, etc...." vs. "I hate riding with you because you're so damn slow/always ditch me/etc....".)


----------



## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

POCil,

My bf is sort of similar to you; in that he really enjoys riding at his own pace. He's admitted that he doesn't want to wait for people. He rarely does any group riding because he feels like they are always too slow and they take too many breaks - sound familar? Waiting doesn't make him happy - I mean really, who wants to wait for anything anyway! I can totally relate. 

What's crazy is that my bf doesn't mind waiting for me! He prefers riding with me over riding by himself. What, me? the slower one? I've lost count on how many times I've suggested he ride by himeself and he refuses. It makes him happy to be with me. He doesn't mind waiting for his surlypuss as I'm usually pissed off because I'm the slow poke! LOL, Sometimes I'll go in front for a while, or he'll just wait every so often. Sometimes we'll do race pace stuff and we'll meet at the end. We're always changing it up but we always have a plan going into the ride. I think like a lot of other people have said, its just communicating up front so there's no misunderstandings. 

Tiff


----------



## lynseyf (May 1, 2007)

connie said:


> The biggest thing IMHO about riding with your significant other is communicating your expectations. I'm sure you've seen the debates here on trail etiquette and what pace to ride at in a group, etc. And for my husband and I and our normal group of riding friends - you start together, fastest people in the lead, and wait at intersections or other rest points as needed. We often have a rotating group order as some people climb faster and others descend faster. If you don't show up in a reasonable amount of time, someone will go back to look for you. It may be a while. If you're not comfortable with that policy - you need to speak up. I mean - I enjoy going out with beginners too - letting them take the lead, helping them with stuff if they want me to. And I'm not about to leave a slower rider alone behind the group if it's going to freak them out. But the point is that it's about communication. If you're not flexible about how things are done or aren't sure what the group etiquette is, you've got to speak up and make sure everyone is on the same page before you get going.


This is basically my situation. i ride with my boyfriend and 2 male friends all of who are fater than me and able to ride more technical sections. We all ride the same trails 99% of the time though. We ride trail centres a lot which works out well as there is usually breaks where it is easy to wait. My friends are faster than me but I am fitter and need less recovery time so I go first, they give me a head start and usually catch me up near then end of the section. I then do the next section while they have a rest to recover from blasting down the last section. To be honest its usually me that feels like some time on my own tho and if I do I just say I'm doing my own thing this week.

I can kind of get where you're coming from with the alone time though. I cycle to work, about 1hr each way, and this is MY alone time. Sometimes people from work want to start cycling in and suggest meeting up which I do as I like encouraging more people to cycle but there is a part of me that's like NOOOOO and I prefer riding on my own.


----------



## catzilla (Jan 31, 2004)

All this "advice" and "experience" and "personal stories" about relationships being about more than compatible riding styles is bunk.

Instead of asking this chick out for a date, you should race her and if she loses, you should kick her slow ass to the curb. If she wins, you should send her a note asking her to check yes if she like-likes you and no if she only regular-likes you.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

This is all great and all but one of the things that makes me say I'm totally terrified about going out with another rider is vacations. You know those bike trips to Moab and such. I'm absolutely sorry to say so but I just don't want to do this kind of trip with my gf. I could do it with 1 or 2 very close riding buddies (dudes indeed) but not with my gf. And I can totally understand that she'll be pissed because she's interested in the trip too but I don't want to be waiting on every ride because we're on a trip together. And don't get me wrong again, I'm not generalizing, just saying it scares me. When you're at home I guess it's easier to part ways.

Although not bike related, it's like this trip I'll be doing in november. I'm leaving for 7 weeks to Argentina and friends have wanted to come with me and I absolutely refused. When this kind of stuff occurs with your SO, it's a complete nightmare, she takes ite personally although you know deep inside that it's better for yourself and your couple.

Anyways, I'm surprised there are no horror stories that came up yet. Maybe you don't want to share them??? Haven't you ever have your relations ruined by biking? Guy being too intense, not understanding enough, just becoming the worst of jerks when you don't attempt a stunt? I have a hard time believing this never occured but I'm reassured if you tell me that biking never ruined a relation. If so, did it always make it stronger?

Ah and catz, keep up riding trials, it's great to see a women in this field and make sure you take good care of that upcoming kid.


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

If you are with the *right person*, in a* mature relationship* with *good communication skills *( read Connie's post again) vacation problems ( other than the usual) are a non-issue. Presumably, you've communicated about where you are going, what you are going to do, expectations and potential challenges, come to a few understanding and compromises if necessary, and go off to have a great time.

My hubby and I have lots of fantastic trips. The only "disaster" ones were when we were young and immature, and didn't know how to talk to each other very well.

Just a few of our successful trips include mountain biking all over Idaho and British Columbia, whitewater rafting many of the wild rivers of the western US, and dive trips all over the Caribbean. We do separate trips too, but there's no manipulation/issue with separate trips to. I routinely go on all girls mtb adventures, and he routinely does Class 5 whitewater.

again-
the right relationship
a mature relationship
communication skills
emotional maturity


----------



## IttyBittyBetty (Aug 11, 2005)

*Bad Mountian Biking Boyfriends*

OK - you want "bad" stories. Here's one, although I would hardly call it a "horror story."

Being a mountain biker for the last 10 years, I have dated quite a few mountain biking guys. One such guy, we'll call him A, was a pretty good rider. Pretty good, not great. I'm a very good rider, although as I said in a previous post, any really strong male rider should be faster than me. Most of the time, A was a little faster than me. But not always. Some days, if I was ON, we had issues. OK - _he_ had issues. I would typically follow him on our duo and group rides, per good riding etiquette since he was usually a tad faster than me. However, A was completely unwilling to ever let me stay in front of him if I was riding stronger. On downhills that I was smoking, he would refuse to let me pass. When I would ask him at the bottom WHY he didn't let me, he would say he hadn't heard me. Hadn't heard me on his butt yelling, "I'd like to pass when there's a good spot"?!?!?! Right.....

When I would pass him on a ride climbing a techy section and the group would regroup and start again, he would try to get back in front of me. Dude - I just smoked your a$$ up that climb, of which there's more of the same, and you want to get back in my way again!?!?! This happened ALL THE TIME. I began dreading riding with him.

Anyway, I tried to talk to A about this. It clearly bothered him that I was sometimes faster than him, but it was impossible to have a civil conversation about this issue. Soon, his competitiveness with me and lack of confidence in himself began to manifest itself in other aspects of our relationship. For instance, I made significantly more money than A, so I was happy to pay for more stuff (dates, trips, etc.). His response was to not want us to do ANYTHING that cost money.

After about 6 months of this, I decided to break up with A. He wasn't making me feel good about myself and I wasn't making him feel good about himself. BTW - all my GFs were super happy when I dumped him; they said they knew right away on the first ride we did together that he had issues with a strong woman.

A is contrasted with my current BF (jesperperl), who was just FINE with me being WAY better than him when he first started riding and still being a bit better on really technical stuff, although he is catching up due to all the DH riding we've been doing this year.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

But wouldn't you be pissed to be left out of a trip you've always dreamed of? I know I'd be disappointed but then my reaction would be to say "Then I'll be having an ever better trip" and be heading to Whistler while she's out to Moab for instance and there would be no resentment on my part whatsoever. Women I've known up to now didn't have this kind of "leadership" by fear of being alone, geting hurt or whatever else.

Anyways I'm starting to realize a biker is not really what I fear in the relationship but rather simply her not understanding/respecting my point of view. I guess that's the answer I was looking for after all so really thanks for the enlightment. Feel free to keep up the conversation though, I'll be hanging around!



formica said:


> If you are with the *right person*, in a* mature relationship* with *good communication skills *( read Connie's post again) vacation problems ( other than the usual) are a non-issue. Presumably, you've communicated about where you are going, what you are going to do, expectations and potential challenges, come to a few understanding and compromises if necessary, and go off to have a great time.
> 
> My hubby and I have lots of fantastic trips. The only "disaster" ones were when we were young and immature, and didn't know how to talk to each other very well.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

So you would have prefered that he would just have been honest and said he prefered riding alone rather than losing his temper against you... And that's fair game after all. He doesn't want to piss you off riding and he doesn't want to be slowed down, everybody wins, right?



IttyBittyBetty said:


> When I would pass him on a ride climbing a techy section and the group would regroup and start again, he would try to get back in front of me. Dude - I just smoked your a$$ up that climb, of which there's more of the same, and you want to get back in my way again!?!?! This happened ALL THE TIME. I began dreading riding with him.


----------



## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

I think you're making some unnecessary assumptions here:

First - you're thinking that you'd want to go on a bike trip to moab with 1-2 good riding buddies. And then she wants to go along. Why does your hypothetical girlfriend not have any riding buddies of her own to go on the trip?  

Second - you're still assuming that since you ride significantly faster than she does right now, that will always be the case. Maybe it will, but maybe it won't. But keep an open mind on that and realize that both of you are bound to become different riders over time. 


I also find it somewhat amusing that you insist that you don't want to spoil your solo rides by having to put up with riding with your future/hypothetical girlfriend, or anyone else. Yet, you still go on rides with your EX-GF because she wants you to. I'm not sure if that means that when you actually care about someone you're more willing to compromise than you think you are... or if you just aren't capable of saying "no" (which falls back under learning to communicate better).


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

I think the point some of us are trying to make that if you are in the right kind of relationship there's pretty much no such thing as being seriously pissed off because your mate is going off on a trip that YOU had dreamed off. Any feel free to correct me if I'm off base here... but that's my experience. Family emergencies, kid things, other serious obligations aside, that probably wouldn't happen. If it's something we both want to do, we'll make it happen, And yeah I'm generalizing.


----------



## tradygirl (May 21, 2007)

Connie, again, says it perfectly. I'll back her up with some of my own experiences.

My husband and I have always had a lot of shared interests - we've climbed, skied, and biked together since day one. Especially at the beginning of our relationship, we had our share of fights and hurt feelings which on the surface could have been seen as "you're better than me so I'm bitter". But really, it came down to mismatched expectations every single time. Over time we have learned to communicate more clearly to each other what we expected out of each ride or each ski day and if they don't match up, we won't go together. As much as we LOVE doing this stuff together, it's so much easier to just go our own ways when we need to. And it makes those days together, being on the same agenda, that much better.

I guess I would have to argue that finding someone that shares your interests is awesome, but it takes *a lot* of communication and understanding to make it successful. You also have to realize that passions change, and that girl/boyfriend you've always liked to bike with (or not bike with) may decide to pursue other things. Or, YOU might actually lose interest in biking and want to try something else. Bottom line is that your relationship has to be based on far more than shared interests if it's going to last. So, call this chick and get some coffee or something. :thumbsup:


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

connie said:


> I think you're making some unnecessary assumptions here:
> 
> First - you're thinking that you'd want to go on a bike trip to moab with 1-2 good riding buddies. And then she wants to go along. Why does your hypothetical girlfriend not have any riding buddies of her own to go on the trip?
> 
> Second - you're still assuming that since you ride significantly faster than she does right now, that will always be the case. Maybe it will, but maybe it won't. But keep an open mind on that and realize that both of you are bound to become different riders over time.


They're not really assumptions, they're "hypothetical situations" (which happen to have occured in the past). And...

First - I said that if I was to go on a bike trip I'd prefer doing it alone or with 1-2 very specific person (and I even doubt this) but certainly not with my GF. I know I don't want to ride with her all the time so going on a bike trip together seems somewhat out of place.

Second - You're absolutely right.

And I go on rides with my ex because I want to see her but I also turn her down often because I want to ride alone or at a faster pace. I'm not afraid of telling her anymore because there are no consequences. With your SO it's trickier.



formica said:


> I think the point some of us are trying to make that if you are in the right kind of relationship there's pretty much no such thing as being seriously pissed off because your mate is going off on a trip that YOU had dreamed off. Any feel free to correct me if I'm off base here... but that's my experience. Family emergencies, kid things, other serious obligations aside, that probably wouldn't happen. If it's something we both want to do, we'll make it happen, And yeah I'm generalizing


The thing is we'll probably end up wanting to do the same trip at the same time but we have different expectations and we don't even think it might be the case because we're excited and happy to do it together. Truth is that my vision of a bike trip is intense pain and day after day riding while (becoming hypothetical here) a girl's view for the trip might be smooth rides with sun bathing. I'll make sure to make it very clear, no worries.


----------



## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

PissedOffCil said:


> First - I said that if I was to go on a bike trip I'd prefer doing it alone or with 1-2 very specific person (and I even doubt this) but certainly not with my GF. I know I don't want to ride with her all the time so going on a bike trip together seems somewhat out of place.


I guess it just doesn't seem out of place to me. I go on a lot of bike trips with groups of friends. We don't all ride at the same level, so we often go do different things once we're there (there are quite often couples who both ride, but one does one ride and the other does another or something else completely). But at the end of the day we all have dinner and hang around at the campsite or condo together and it's a lot of fun. Unless you really have to sleep and eat alone and be by yourself 24-7, I don't see what the issue is.

Heck, if you prefer to ride alone, go on your "dream trip" with her and a group of people SHE likes to ride with (or sunbathe with... I guess). They can go off and ride whatever they want to, and you can go ride something else, alone and happy. We regularly have people go with us to Moab who have their own agenda. One wanted to do a century on his road bike. Sometimes a couple splits off to do their own thing (some of them *gag* have even taken a day off to shop. It's all cool as long as I don't have to spend a day shopping.  ) Some people want to go out to Bartlett to jump off of stuff and photo****. Some people want to pedal instead of shuttle. Hell, I lost my mind one day and decided to pedal up from our campsite and met my group at the Porcupine overlook and then rode down the rest of the trail with them (they shuttled up to UPS). For me, _having _to do the same thing everyone else is doing seems weird.


----------



## IttyBittyBetty (Aug 11, 2005)

PissedOffCil said:


> Truth is that my vision of a bike trip is intense pain and day after day riding while (becoming hypothetical here) a girl's view for the trip might be smooth rides with sun bathing.


Careful my friend! :nono: Now you might be starting to push some buttons again. You'll find a lot of women on this forum who have the same vision of a trip as you do and have no desire to sun bathe or go on easy rides.


----------



## NicoleC (Sep 28, 2007)

> I'm not afraid of telling her anymore because there are no consequences. With your SO it's trickier.


No, it's not. It's MORE important when it's your SO. Because when you don't there are real consequences.

You clearly feel like women are manipulating you into these weird riding situations but the real issue is that you aren't communicating your needs. The common denominator here is you, not them.

It's perfectly fine to want to ride alone, but the time to say you want to go ride alone is before the ride or the expectation of an upcoming ride day. If she knows you prefer to ride alone (because you've, you know, TOLD HER), then it won't be a surprise when you say, "Hey honey, I'm really looking forward to my solo bike ride this Saturday! I should be home and cleaned up by 4 or 5. Can I take you out to that new restaurant when I get back?"

The time NOT to say it is 3 miles down the trail and you're mad. Or when you're thinking of packing up your bike at the last minute instead of going to that BBQ at her friend's house. Or when she's loading her bike onto the rack. 

You keep making these assumptions and statements about women being weak, poor leaders, "fearful," "what they always think," "controlling," "demanding," "possessive," and so forth. You are carrying around all this negative baggage about women. If you have all these assumptions about a woman's character before you even know her you're not going to be able to communicate and engage with her in an honest way, about mountain biking or anything else.

Life has a funny way of giving you want you think you'll find. If you expect to find whiny, crazy, manipulative women, chances are that's exactly what you'll get.


----------



## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

IttyBittyBetty said:


> Careful my friend! :nono: Now you might be starting to push some buttons again. You'll find a lot of women on this forum who have the same vision of a trip as you do and have no desire to sun bathe or go on easy rides.


Where does this character live? I think its time that he actually goes on a ride with real mtn bike chicks.


----------



## catzilla (Jan 31, 2004)

Have you ever thought about going gay?

You know, since dudes are so much faster and all.


----------



## IttyBittyBetty (Aug 11, 2005)

*Thanks Catzilla!*

That made me laugh!! Bummer you'll miss tonight's ride:bluefrown:


----------



## connie (Mar 16, 2004)

NicoleC said:


> No, it's not. It's MORE important when it's your SO. Because when you don't there are real consequences.
> 
> You clearly feel like women are manipulating you into these weird riding situations but the real issue is that you aren't communicating your needs. The common denominator here is you, not them.
> 
> ...


That's pretty much what I've been trying to get at. If you're not spelling out what you want/expect out of a ride, you can't complain that other people didn't read your mind and miraculously create the scenario you've been dreaming of. And you can't just mention it once and hope she remembers that you said you like solo rides one time back when you first met. You have to bring it up when you want to do it. "Wow, do I need to get out on a long, solo, sufferfest type of ride! What are you planning to do this weekend?"

And really - apparently it is your personal experience that female mountain bikers like leisurely paced buffed out singletrack rides followed by some sunbathing... But hopefully you've gotten the point that most of us (maybe all of us) here find that stereotype pretty offensive. And we're not all the same - some of us like gnarly DH, or trials, or dirt jumping, or huge endurance rides on singlespeeds, whatever. But please quit saying things that make it sound like you believe that female=slow/boring/mellow/rather be shopping/etc.. When you keep saying things like that - maybe you're driving away the women who AREN'T like that before you ever get a chance to know them?


----------



## tiffanyinanthem (Dec 17, 2007)

connie said:


> And we're not all the same - some of us like gnarly DH, or trials, or dirt jumping, or huge endurance rides on singlespeeds, whatever.


raises hand for endurance rides!

Oh and you forgot bikepacking, some of us are into that too!

Tiff


----------



## dirtdonk (Jan 31, 2004)

I can't believe you ladies are being so nice to this immature self-centered chump.


----------



## verslowrdr (Mar 22, 2004)

*Feel free to store this one away for later*

*Trips to Moab or Whistler or Argentina are cool because you only live once.*

*Conversely everyone else, including the people you love most, only live once also.*

Do you really want to be remembered at the end of your days as the guy who threw a temper tantrum because he didn't get to play a certain way all the time? Or as the hard core guy who graciously made allowances for the mere mortals in his life because he was a genuinely kind and caring person?

If nothing else, think about who would be over to help- including time away from doing what they REALLY wanted to do, or even NEEDED to do like 'work'- if you got sick or injured. Typically people don't do that just because you're an awesome free spirit who pulls wicked moves on a bike.


----------



## Maida7 (Apr 29, 2005)

Too the OP:

Get real dude! Why is it that all you seam to care about is your own enjoyment? People in relationships enjoy making each other happy because they love each other. It seams all you care about is your own personal happiness. I don't think this is a maturity issue, it's just that you don't love others the way you love yourself. I have a 5 year old who is less selfish then you. 

Who cares who is faster. When you love somebody it doesn't matter how fast your ride or where you go on vacation. You need stop being so hung up on all this stupid crap and learn how to love. Love is much more important then who is faster. I mean why else do you have a relationship? 

Good luck with that.


----------



## MtbRN (Jun 8, 2006)

This is rich: _"I said that if I was to go on a bike trip I'd prefer doing it alone or with 1-2 very specific person (and I even doubt this) but certainly not with my GF. I know I don't want to ride with her all the time so going on a bike trip together seems somewhat out of place."_

WTF? The guy doesn't even HAVE a GF, but he is already sure how he is going to feel about this person (whoever she may someday be). He is putting up barriers against someone that he doesn't even know yet. That is messed up.

POC- No doubt you are sure that you have everything about yourself figured out, and know exactly how your life is going to be (Lord knows I thought I knew all that when I was 25). But believe me, there is a chance that you will meet someone that you will go on a bike trip... or even a freakin' Disney cruise... with, just so you can spend more time in their company. I've seen it happen to the hardest core bachelors, and it could even happen to _you_.

Perhaps you should go and try to establish a relationship before deciding what you will or will not do with that person? Just a suggestion...

Personally, my BF would be the FIRST person I would think of when I wanted company on a bike trip. We vacation well together. In fact, the first trip we took together was to MOAB, where I found out he is a better technical rider than me. And yet... he didn't seem to mind waiting for me on occasion... go figure. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who I didn't want to share vacations with!


----------



## mumbles (Jul 22, 2006)

The girl may prefer that you ride alone so she doesn't have to kill herself trying to keep up your pace. It's nice to have someone on the trail that you know, with a cell phone that you can call if you get in trouble. If you both ride at your own pace and only see each other at the start and end of the ride, that should be fine.


----------



## aspect88 (Apr 24, 2009)

dirtdonk said:


> I can't believe you ladies are being so nice to this immature self-centered chump.


I have to agree with dirtdonk. This is an absolutely ridiculous conversation. You have already made up your mind about a hypothetical trip with your hypothetical GF. But like so many others have said, when you have found someone you love, you want to share and *support *each others passions. What I don't understand is how you've ever had a gf in the first place with that mentality. Women deserve respect and not to be generalized or steretyped... just like men do. I've had negative relationships in the past but that doesn't mean that every guy I date or end up in a relationship with will be the same. You should have standards, but you shouldn't bring the negativity from your previous relationships into a newly blossoming one... that will only bring disaster.

"I need a very comprehensive person which respects my self-proclaimed freedom."

IMHO, it doesn't matter who you are or who you are with, EVERY relationship will have some compromise. You won't (and shouldn't) agree 100% on everything, and what will you do then? Your self proclaimed freedom sounds like a BS excuse to be a selfish *******.... and that will leave you being very alone so its GOOD YOU'RE OK WITH THAT.

You really have pushed a lot of my buttons and I could say a lot more of the opinions I've come to get of you. Including, what makes you think this woman would have ANY interest in you after getting to know your self-centered and assanine ways.


----------



## Sanoske312 (Aug 4, 2008)

Hello everyone sorry to but in but i was just wondering if the OP has even called the girl yet, Maybe she was just being friendly by trading contacts?

As for riding with your SO, I feel the same way as him at times. For me riding is my stress release, I bought my girlfriend of two years (who is the needy attention her way type) a bike in hopes of spending more time with her, since we both have crazy work and social schedules i thought it was a great idea. Well i grew up biking i used to ride a lot when i was younger with the guys and by myself at a fast pace, so riding with my girlfriend who is a "pansy" when it comes to sports proved very challenging to say the least, i would ride at a faster pace and be forced to wait up and it annoyed me which caused a few fights. Thankfully for our relationship my girlfriend is more open minded and at times more mature than me even though she is younger than me. She learned to accept the fact that there are times where i will ride on my own or ride at a faster pace. I've also learned that if i need to burn energy go for a quick intense ride before meeting up with the SO that way we can spend quality time together. As for couples riding together i know many couples who have been together and share numerous hobbies in common but do not ride together just for the sake of not fighting. My point being is if you truly do like this girl, biking shouldn't place that far in importance. 

Well i guess i said whats on my chest as for the OP i hope everything works out for you


----------



## VanHalen (Apr 1, 2009)

Sanoske312 said:


> Hello everyone sorry to but in but i was just wondering if the OP has even called the girl yet, Maybe she was just being friendly by trading contacts?
> 
> As for riding with your SO, I feel the same way as him at times. For me riding is my stress release, I bought my girlfriend of two years (who is the needy attention her way type) a bike in hopes of spending more time with her, since we both have crazy work and social schedules i thought it was a great idea. Well i grew up biking i used to ride a lot when i was younger with the guys and by myself at a fast pace, so riding with my girlfriend who is a "pansy" when it comes to sports proved very challenging to say the least, i would ride at a faster pace and be forced to wait up and it annoyed me which caused a few fights. Thankfully for our relationship my girlfriend is more open minded and at times more mature than me even though she is younger than me. She learned to accept the fact that there are times where i will ride on my own or ride at a faster pace. I've also learned that if i need to burn energy go for a quick intense ride before meeting up with the SO that way we can spend quality time together. As for couples riding together i know many couples who have been together and share numerous hobbies in common but do not ride together just for the sake of not fighting. My point being is if you truly do like this girl, biking shouldn't place that far in importance.
> 
> Well i guess i said whats on my chest as for the OP i hope everything works out for you


Dude, fluffy girls shouldn't be out riding mountain bikes to begin with, that's just asking for trouble  . If working for anything is too much to ask for, especially.

We always ride together, and sometimes get annoyed with each other, but to fight over any of that is just plain stupid. Just take it easy and enjoy the ride and time spent together, don't try and compete with her, she can't keep up anyways. Might as well just peddle along and practice other things, some trials or whatever. It's just really not worth arguing about it.... Give her time to catch up with your years of riding....


----------



## Sanoske312 (Aug 4, 2008)

VanHalen said:


> Dude, fluffy girls shouldn't be out riding mountain bikes to begin with, that's just asking for trouble  . If working for anything is too much to ask for, especially.
> 
> We always ride together, and sometimes get annoyed with each other, but to fight over any of that is just plain stupid. Just take it easy and enjoy the ride and time spent together, don't try and compete with her, she can't keep up anyways. Might as well just peddle along and practice other things, some trials or whatever. It's just really not worth arguing about it.... Give her time to catch up with your years of riding....


i guess you didnt read it was in past tense we no longer argue about riding but w/e you wish and even tho she is a pansy i love her and she still rides


----------



## VanHalen (Apr 1, 2009)

Sanoske312 said:


> i guess you didnt read it was in past tense we no longer argue about riding but w/e you wish and even tho she is a pansy i love her and she still rides


I'm glad you guys worked it out, and I guess I did read it wrong. Don't take it personal, I just don't have time for fluff-stuff and fluff-talk, made a decision at some point to just steer clear of that...... Freaks me out when people actually try and get that kind out on the trails :eekster:


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

This conversation is really still going on??? I'm glad to see that. I left because people didn't get my point at all. Riding is sacred to me. I like to ride alone more than anything and feel like it could lead to conflicts if my SO also rode. It's a legitimate concern so I inquired total strangers to get another point of view. So this is selfish? This is immature? If you ask me, I'm mature and "other-centered" enough to reconsider my point of view, something that might have not yet crossed your mind... Yoiu know in the end if I'll be a total ******* when riding with somebody slower than me, I'd rather know it and make what is possible to prevent forcing others through this. In the end, I'm trying to avoid hurting anybody. Who sounds so selfish now? Want to chat about maturity again? Gimme a ****ing break...

Anyways Sanoske seemed to have understood what I was talking about, probably because he's been in the same situation. So to answer your question, yes I did contact the girl, yes we saw each other (went for supper last weekend) and yes we will see each other again (this weekend) to ride together. I know it will annoy me to wait after her but I'll deal with it because I know what to expect beforehand. She's aware that she's slow and that her speed might not suit everybody. She's also aware that I'll let her know when I don't want to ride that pace. She's a great woman, exactly the kind of person comprehensive enough not to run away from me. And that is saying a lot...

Everything always works out in the end. It doesn't necessarily work out well, but it works out


----------



## VanHalen (Apr 1, 2009)

PissedOffCil said:


> This conversation is really still going on??? I'm glad to see that. I left because people didn't get my point at all. Riding is sacred to me. I like to ride alone more than anything and feel like it could lead to conflicts if my SO also rode. It's a legitimate concern so I inquired total strangers to get another point of view. So this is selfish? This is immature? If you ask me, I'm mature and "other-centered" enough to reconsider my point of view, something that might have not yet crossed your mind... Yoiu know in the end if I'll be a total ******* when riding with somebody slower than me, I'd rather know it and make what is possible to prevent forcing others through this. In the end, I'm trying to avoid hurting anybody. Who sounds so selfish now? Want to chat about maturity again? Gimme a ****ing break...
> 
> Anyways Sanoske seemed to have understood what I was talking about, probably because he's been in the same situation. So to answer your question, yes I did contact the girl, yes we saw each other (went for supper last weekend) and yes we will see each other again (this weekend) to ride together. I know it will annoy me to wait after her but I'll deal with it because I know what to expect beforehand. She's aware that she's slow and that her speed might not suit everybody. She's also aware that I'll let her know when I don't want to ride that pace. She's a great woman, exactly the kind of person comprehensive enough not to run away from me. And that is saying a lot...
> 
> Everything always works out in the end. It doesn't necessarily work out well, but it works out


Here's an idea: just go out to the same trails, but each ride separate. Then afterward, or somewhere in the middle, meet up at a preset time and location, and tell each other how much fun the trails were! That way you are still in the same area, but off doing your own thing, at your own pace, without putting pressure on each other.

At bad times it can really make you feel bad about yourself if the other person always has to wait for you, no matter how comprehensive or polite you are. She might never tell you, or even feel that way, but be aware and understanding in either case....


----------



## verslowrdr (Mar 22, 2004)

PissedOffCil said:


> ... Riding is sacred to me....


I think the central point is that many (most?) of us have paired up with someone who is actually much more sacred to us than riding.

I have 4yo daughter's birthday stuff going on this weekend. Frankly I'd rather be out riding in the last good weather of summer, but if husband and I can't sneak off for an afternoon ride I'm not going to go postal. This is Life, not Burger King. I don't always get it my way.


----------



## Biohazard74 (Jul 16, 2009)

I recently got my GF into riding. And i do like going with her. I do not like to go ahead without her because she's new to this and lets face it, even experts get in deep crap on rides & get seriously hurt. So i like to ride with her & keep my eye on her. But we have an agreement that i do need "MY" time to ride alone and zip thu the trails at my speed. I have to agree with the thread starter that sometimes at the begining that "phrase" I dont mind if you go alone is Bs. And "i want to go alone" is a bit misunderstood by "MOST" women to a point. You guys just have to sit down & talk it out calmly & compromise. If neither of you can do that then that relationship is screwed from the begining & id get out of it asap. In my situation. I got her into it & was in it before her & she understands(i hope shes not just saying that) that & understands i need my alone day or go with the guys day. But at 1st i have to admit she took it the wrong way when i told her i needed MY day to ride without her. I enjoy both ways of riding. My alone day because i get to do extreme stuff & our day together because i enjoy watching her eat it & falling on her A$$ etc  JK babe i know you are browsing around these parts lately 

What i am trying to say is what others said already. Compromise. If you cant do that or if she cant. Then dont bother calling her.:nono:


----------



## Biohazard74 (Jul 16, 2009)

verslowrdr said:


> I think the central point is that many (most?) of us have paired up with someone who is actually much more sacred to us than riding.
> 
> I have 4yo daughter's birthday stuff going on this weekend. Frankly I'd rather be out riding in the last good weather of summer, but if husband and I can't sneak off for an afternoon ride I'm not going to go postal. This is Life, not Burger King. I don't always get it my way.


That was a great post btw :thumbsup:


----------



## LyndaW (Jul 22, 2005)

My 2c FWIW:

I love riding with my BF who is faster than me. Sometimes I push myself to keep up and sometimes not...Sometimes he cruises along behind me and points out flowers and sometimes he can't contain himself and has to dash off, but is always waiting up ahead somewhere or doubles back and forth if he can't stay still, he is a sheepdog...On big rides he will carry more weight, water, food and gear to even out the ability difference a little and I have a GPS so I don't get lost. 

I love riding with my friends who are slower than me. It is nice to be the faster one once in a while.

I love riding alone.

The variety and balance of it all keeps it fresh. To be stuck in one MO would get bleh. 

No advice here whatsoever, just my POV


----------



## Biohazard74 (Jul 16, 2009)

LyndaW said:


> My 2c FWIW:
> 
> I love riding with my BF who is faster than me. Sometimes I push myself to keep up and sometimes not...Sometimes he cruises along behind me and points out flowers and sometimes he can't contain himself and has to dash off, but is always waiting up ahead somewhere or doubles back and forth if he can't stay still, he is a sheepdog...On big rides he will carry more weight, water, food and gear to even out the ability difference a little and I have a GPS so I don't get lost.
> 
> ...


:thumbsup:


----------



## Vlad (Feb 7, 2004)

Having dated a couple of ladies who ride bikes (one of whom rides BMX and is probably tougher than half of the men on this forum), I feel that you're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to. If she's slower than you and you can't handle it, don't ride with her often. All you need to do is to tell her why. And, when you have your bike date, treat it as such. Cruise together, chitchat if you like, and grab a bite to eat together afterwards. Sharing interests doesn't mean that you need to share them 100% of the time.


----------



## Vlad (Feb 7, 2004)

And, unless I've misread this whole thread, you're assuming that she's going to want to go out with you, and then that she's going to be a hyper-sensitive b**** who is going to cramp your style everytime you grab your bike. Relax.


----------



## butryon (Aug 12, 2005)

At what point would you negotiate your stance? I have a feeling that this would happen no matter what activity you are into. If you enjoy the solitude, cool, but why even date? I have had many years of your situation and the past 4 have been the best due to negotiating. I train a lot and my wife will ask what sort of day it is (fast, med., or recovery) she can go on any of those days but knows I have a certain amount of things I need to work on. If you are honest with this person from the get go she will see and respect your passion. If you put on a "front" she will expect the front, as "good consistant you", which sets you up to not like her. 
when you ask a person out to eat for the first time you don't know if they will talk with food in mouth, drop the f bomb ultra loud in public,...etc. But you have to try things out so you know. I do not know anyone who has a relationship that they do not compromise or negotiate in one way or another. this holds true with friends family, work.......all relationships. wow, this could be one of those universal truths??? if there are such things! good luck, you could be the true loner with a boner.....on a bike, scary.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

God people don't seem to understand that I might simply prefer riding alone and if that means not dating a girl that rides, then so be it. You might like doing origami alone and not wanting to be bothered by fear of ripping the ho-so precious piece of paper, there's nothing wrong there...

I never said I wasn't willing to compromise on all the aspects that people have put forward, I never said I wanted to be alone all the time, hell I never even said I would never date a girl that rides, I just wondered if my fears were justified, period.

Seriously, answers like "No, it has nothing to do with the fact that she rides because blah blah blah" would have been fine... Not to mention I said over and over I'm not talking about the specifics of this particular relation and that I had been thinking about this long before even meeting this girl... What's wrong with you guys? huh... gals?


----------



## verslowrdr (Mar 22, 2004)

*Are we done yet?*


----------



## butryon (Aug 12, 2005)

There are over 80 replies to your post and you still insist on the idea that you are being misunderstood, wow! The bell curve is sharp on this one.
Try this: never date a bike-her! 
I understand that you have been thinking on this one before you met the girl on the bike, but your still not going to talk people into your arguement. when you want to share your life with other it comes with a compromise but it's not really a compromise it is collaboration and when/if you are capable of this, you will be good with it. Just don't let too many go, as you age they get farther and farther between. Loner with a boner still stands!


----------



## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

So how was the ride that you had to wait on? Worth it?


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

:thumbsup: 

The ride was OK. The girl on the other hand is nothing short of amazing. I'm not that much of a loner anymore if that's of any interest.

And I took some of your advice. Setting things straight from the get-go was one of them. It didn't turn out wrong yet...


----------



## jalopy jockey (Jun 7, 2007)

Ride with her. Ride without her. My wife and I make it work, and she runs about 55-60% of my speed over any given distance. She knows she's slow, and will ask me if I'm willing to ride with her. usually it's a yes. When we ride long rides she will take a rest and I will do extra mileage, sometimes just a hill repeat or 3 sometimes an extra lap.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

That's pretty much how it's like up to now. She asks, asks again making sure i'm fine with riding with her. Up to now the answer is "yes let's go but I'm telling you, I'll want to ride alone in the future so don't always expect me to ride with you"

Seems to work but it's pretty early in the relation so...


----------



## EJP (Apr 30, 2007)

*Flash of gender-role inspiration*

Ladies, we've got it backwards. The old cliche is that women just want to share their feelings and tend to get bent out of shape when men try to offer solutions. This is exactly what's happening in this thread! We are trying to analyze and offer solutions, when the OP just wants to share his feelings . It's a no-win situation for us.


----------



## mikesnowdon (Sep 25, 2009)

If at the end of the day it dosent work out with her being slower why not date a guy?!!! That way you can compete against each other out on the trail , and he might be faster that you!!!!  

Im only kidding. 

Dude you worry too much. Have you ever considered that the more you worry about something the more influence you have on it actually turning out that way? It works the other way too! Be positive man, and dont take relationships so seriously!!! :thumbsup:


----------



## bad andy (Feb 21, 2006)

Wow I just read this whole thread, not sure why but I did, but I did. And In the end you went for the ride, learned she was worth compromising for and how to communicate your interests so both parties will be happy. It sounds like things are off to a good start, so good luck. Sounds like something has been learned here, boys and girls although I'm not sure what, except perhaps the word 'comprehensive' was misused too many times.

my only advice, don't show her this thread, at least not for awhile...


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Hahahaha One very interesting thing is that she likes more overabundance of honesty and would probably laugh at all this...

Although I haven't really compromised yet. Spring will be a good test as my urge to ride fast, without pauses will be at its highest! Better start doing some spinning to keep things under control.


----------



## Krash-leen (Sep 29, 2009)

I've only read about 1/2 of these responses....And I think you got more than you asked for with these girls...I LOVE THEM....

Listen to them!!! There is a lot of really great honest advice in here..Be yourself, but truly open to her or any other woman. 
If you can't communicate about needing time alone, on or off the bike, the REALLY big stuff will never be discussed and always be a burden.
My VSO (sig. other) just got me into MTB. I am slow and crash all the time. ..We ride together at times and I encourage him to go with his guy friends to ride at his pace.

The thing is he doesn't feel like he needs to apologize to me when he wants to be alone, or vice-versa. These are things that we just get. But that goes throughout our relationship. 
Trying not to really let you have it, cuz the girls have been quite honest already. Stop assuming, you guys hate it when we do that. Just enjoy her for what she has to offer as a human being. AND of course give to her freely what you have to offer as a human being.

Final note! It is just as easy for me to put the toilet seat up for him as it is for him to put it down for me.....


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Krash-leen said:


> Final note! It is just as easy for me to put the toilet seat up for him as it is for him to put it down for me.....


I put it down so that her cat doesn't fool around and leave prints all over her house...


----------



## Krash-leen (Sep 29, 2009)

You are growing dear...that is awesome...Sounds like you will make a good partner after all.....


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Krash-leen said:


> You are growing dear...that is awesome...Sounds like you will make a good partner after all.....


???


----------



## Krash-leen (Sep 29, 2009)

Glad to know that my partner is not the only one that is confused by my communication. 
So very sorry. 
Just was thinking it was nice of you to think of your girl. 
I kinda read a lot into things so...my apologies for being a girl on this one. 
Good luck with everything..


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Krash-leen said:


> Glad to know that my partner is not the only one that is confused by my communication.
> So very sorry.
> Just was thinking it was nice of you to think of your girl.
> I kinda read a lot into things so...my apologies for being a girl on this one.
> Good luck with everything..


I was just wondering where the impression that I'm not listening to anybody came from... Am I growing or have I always been that way? You have drawn conclusions based on the fact that I might not want to compromise about cycling. It doesn't mean I'm not compromising about anything else and I love to please/help out my SO a hell lot.

Not to mention I also wash the dishes, clean up and do the laundry if it makes her happy... Once women get over the first impression I turn out to be a "pink" guy, seriously. I'd really love to stay at home, raise the kids and take care of the house if that gives you a clear picture.

But this is not why I started this thread in the first place...


----------



## Krash-leen (Sep 29, 2009)

Once again all I can say is sorry . 
It didn't seem like that was the thread initiator, and that once women jumped on the band wagon were reading things that may or may not have been there. 
I wasn't even thinking of your compromising. Really. I just thought it was very nice of you to do something for your girl. 
It sounds like you do a lot for your S.O.
I do not know you and was not really trying to piss you off. 
AS a matter of fact , my initial response was intended to let you know that me & my partner have been able to work things out in the biking arena and was just giving you that information. 
So please accept my apology once again for not comnunicating myself the way I intended. 
May you have a truly wonderful life...however you want it to be.


----------



## PissedOffCil (Oct 18, 2007)

Krash-leen said:


> Once again all I can say is sorry .
> It didn't seem like that was the thread initiator, and that once women jumped on the band wagon were reading things that may or may not have been there.
> I wasn't even thinking of your compromising. Really. I just thought it was very nice of you to do something for your girl.
> It sounds like you do a lot for your S.O.
> ...


I'm not pissed... just talking. Apology refused, you don't have to apologize, you did nothing wrong.


----------



## winchboy (May 2, 2006)

I just wish I could get my wife to ride dirt again. We rode together as a way to get some time together, shes a runner I'm a throttle twister. Mtn biking was a compromise that looked fun, and worked well. I'm a faster rider, she got better and worked to keep up but eventually took a couple really nasty crashes and just got off the bike. 5 years later we are working on a compromise roadie ride every other weekend and it seems to be the answer, and an excuse to by a couple new bikes!!! I still MTB and am cautiously attempting to persuade her back but no deal so far. We've been married 28 years this is no deal breaker. If ya find the gal for you, you will find a compromise.


----------



## Vlad (Feb 7, 2004)

So, how's it going with the "MTB-her?"


----------



## stanga5o (Aug 20, 2009)

*Another man's perspective.*

Hello Guy & Ladies,

I found this thread while researching bikes for my girlfriend. First, I 100% agree with the guy's feelings and also understand the reactions from the women. I find myself in the same dilemma as far as sharing a passion with a significant other. It's all about compromise, but some people aren't ready for that and he obviously has stated that he'd be more happy alone than to compromise. My girlfriend wants to do all the same things as me: MTBing, snowboarding, etc. However, these lifelong passions that I don't get to do very often were suddenly jeopardized. What it comes down to is this: Is this woman so special that what you'd gain from the relationship would outweigh what you lose from your passions? I know that my girlfriend means alot to me so I try to take her biking or snowboarding once every once in awhile, because we can spend time together. But when I want to rip it up, I have no problem telling her times that I'm going on my own or with the guys and she understands that. Finally, if the woman is as fast or faster than him there's no concern. I'm gathering that since they rode together he was able to get an idea about her skill level and this is why he's looking for advice. Good luck to you and happy riding!!


----------

