# 50+ Joke Thread



## Guest (Sep 24, 2015)

Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Well that's not what I was thinking, but now I'm thinking the 911 is too damn small for sex."  My arm still hurts.


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## Phillbo (Apr 7, 2004)

I don't get it.


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

Forster said:


> Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Nope, you're dead wrong." I reply, "I'm wondering why they have to make the 911 so damn small."  My arm still hurts.


I dont get it, either.

I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied, "No peer pressure."

I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I'm subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!


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## Guest (Sep 24, 2015)

Phillbo said:


> I don't get it.


 Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.


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## Zomby Woof (MCM700) (May 23, 2004)

veloborealis said:


> I dont get it, either.
> 
> I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:
> 
> ...


Those were good, especially the first one.


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## Grok (Sep 4, 2015)

I finally received my new bike the other day. Wife was so sweet, and accommodating .......yet she refused to sleep in the garage for just that night.


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

Forster said:


> Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.


As I suspected, but the part about your arm still hurting threw me off. Thought it was the punchline. If this really happened and your wife really did punch you, I guess it was. Ha!


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Forster said:


> Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.


I can vouch personally that it's not.

Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?


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## Guest (Sep 24, 2015)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> I can vouch personally that it's not.
> 
> Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?


 I may be taller or less flexible than you.


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Forster said:


> I may be taller or less flexible than you.


LOL
I'm 6' and as flexible as a DH fork.


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## Phillbo (Apr 7, 2004)

Forster said:


> Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.


Road Head is possible in any car.


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

You know why they call it the "Golden Years" ? 

Because the Doctors get all the gold.


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## matuchi (Jun 9, 2008)

Okay - here's one:

An old man was getting a checkup because he was having trouble hearing in one ear. The doctor checked him over and said "Here's the problem - you have a suppository in your ear" - and the old man smiled and said "Well that explains what happened to my hearing aid".......


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

*The secret to longevity...*

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

Pick-up line overheard at single senior's night:

"Do I come here often?"


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## Daviel (Jun 25, 2013)

Joe was showing off his new hearing aid. He said, "Ralph, you can't beat this one. $5,000.00 - top of the line, every feature imaginable, hell it runs on solar power. Ralph asks, "What kind is it?" "1:30."


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## Guest (Sep 29, 2015)

Not strictly a joke, but a pun from unlikely sources. My father-in-law has pretty acute non-Alzheimer's dementia. In addition to having taken his short term memory and a good deal of his long term memory (he remembers the War in Korea but not being married for 40 years) it has lowered his inhibitions. Not strictly a bad thing in his case because what's left is a light-hearted and charming old guy who asks about dancing girls about 20 times a day which is better than the pissed-off, swearing old guy in the next room. 

Anyway, he gets into loops of puns. This week it's all about giving blood draws. When the first nurse came in and couldn't hit the vein she told him she would need help with the draw and he retorted "it's all in vein", the next nurse walked in and (because he doesn't remember the joke he just told but he looping on a concept) he says, "do you use the extra blood, because I'd hate to think this was all in vein." The second nurse had difficulties, but drew the sample and he says "I've never been very vein." Not the funniest puns, but coming from an 85-year-old who can't tell you if he ate dinner 5 minutes after leaving the table, I'll take it.


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

"I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why."


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

Time for a bump


* * * *An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
* * * *The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
* * * *The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
* * * *The man replied, "That would be my wife."


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

BUMP... What? Am I the only one with love for this thread?

_"I'm confused," the little boy admitted to his elderly teacher. "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then I went to the ballgame, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"_

With 50 being the new 30 and all, this probably doesn't describe the older riders who tune into this thread. Kind of funny, though:
_Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating? You used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were first married? You'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"_


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## Guest (Oct 11, 2015)

An old man walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink that will make him better looking to younger women. The bartender says "Alcohol only makes men think women are sexier. It's different with women." So the old man asks "What can I do to make me sexier to women?". To which the bartender replies, "Well, to start with, you need more money in your billfold."


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

I went in to a Mexican restaurant for lunch the other day. Sat down and eyeballed the menu. The waitress came over to take my order. I said I'll take the beef tamale plate. She wrote the order down and walked away. After a patient 20 minute wait, no food. I waved her over and asked how much longer for my food. She responded with: they were low on certain ingredients and that I would have to come back tamale.


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

You know you're over 50 when...

Your idea of getting lucky, is finding your car in a parking lot on the first try.


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## rlbruski (Oct 21, 2012)

^^^^^
I can relate!! 😀


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## Guest (Oct 29, 2015)

I like what Larry the Cable Guy said a while back (he was visiting my work place). I'm paraphrasing and not nearly as funny. "Aniversary Gifts should have some romantic weighting based on recent romantic performance. 'Let's see dear, we've been married 10 years and I don't remember our last romantic night so you can have anything on the bottom two shelves, a new push mower or this gift card to Cracker Barrel.'"


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## dave54 (Jul 1, 2003)

The octogenerian returned from his honeymoon with his 80 year old bride. His friends all asked "Did you have sex?" He said "Sure, almost all week. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...".

An elderly couple were sitting on the front porch reminiscing, when he said "Ma, next week we will have been married sixty years." She said "Yep!", then hit him with a rolled up newspaper. He asked "What was that fer?" She answered "That is for 60 years of being lousy in bed." He pondered for a moment and hit her back with the same newspaper. He then told her "That is for knowing the difference!"


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## Guest (Oct 29, 2015)

Old man is in Target buying a woman's bikini when the salesperson asks who he shopping for. "Myself" the old man replies. The salesperson surprised asks "Why are you buying yourself a woman's bikini?" "Because" says the old man "I'm tired of not knowing why people laugh at me at the pool."


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

You know you are over 50 when... You’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.


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## Guest (Nov 1, 2015)

Two unrelated jokes:

Trump and Clinton walk into a bar. Apparently neither party has raised the bar high enough.

A man walks into a Priest's office and asks the Priest about how he detects Poltergeists. Then (being clever) he tries to stump the Priest by asking how the Priest would detect a Poltergeist in a building full of politicians to which the Priest replies "I am aware of no such distinction."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

89 year old kills it at comedy


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

You Know You're Over 50 When...
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


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## dirkfh (Jan 20, 2004)

Reminds me of talking to my wife.


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## Guest (Nov 7, 2015)

80 year old man reaches across the bed and gently caresses his wife's face and shoulder. Intrigued, she turns to face him as his hand continues down her side and on to her hip. Thinking this may be the night she'd dreamed of for years she was suddenly disappointed as he withdrew his hand. "Why did you stop caressing me?" she asked to which he answered "I found the remote."


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Forster said:


> 80 year old man reaches across the bed and gently caresses his wife's face and shoulder. Intrigued, she turns to face him as his hand continues down her side and on to her hip. Thinking this may be the night she'd dreamed of for years she was suddenly disappointed as he withdrew his hand. "Why did you stop caressing me?" she asked to which he answered "I found the remote."


:lol::lol::lol::drumroll:


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> 89 year old kills it at comedy


Very funny, thanks for sharing that.


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

You know you are over 50, when you have sex on the first date because there might not be a second...


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## Guest (Nov 10, 2015)

You know you're over 50 when the Cialis commercial quits annoying you because it's a good reminder to refill you Cialis prescription.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Guest (Nov 13, 2015)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1028488


 Pretty funny. I was riding on the Tour de Nebraska several years ago and we stopped in a small town for a Pie break. A man who was completing the tour with his 11-year-old daughter seated across from me began choking on his Pie (didn't know that was even possible). I was going around the table to help him when another cyclist lifted him and cleared his obstruction (which landed back on his plate). The mood was really stressful because of the apparent near tragedy when the cyclist who performed the Heimlich said "are you going to eat that." Which caused everyone to burst out laughing in relief. Later he told me he had intended to throw it away but wanted to make sure it was okay, not trying to insinuate that he wanted it. I count it as a double win (save a life, make people laugh).


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## Guest (Nov 28, 2015)

So we had my father-in-law over for Thanksgiving. My wife and son picked him up and when he got to the door I said "Hey look what the cat dragged in." With out pause he says, "Your guess is as good as mine, they followed me in and I couldn't shake them.". He remains funnier with dementia than he was without, even if he doesn't remember telling the joke.


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## veloborealis (Oct 25, 2009)

*Doctor's orders*

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."*

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.*

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first*I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.*

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.'*

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'*

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'


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## Kofaram (Oct 20, 2014)

I'm 55. I remember when water was clean and sex was dirty!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I remember...


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## Brisk Eddie (Jun 23, 2014)

Today is my 64th birthday.

I woke up this morning feeling like a 30 year old.

Then I remembered how much they cost.


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## Guest (Dec 19, 2015)

I just got an add in the mail for male growth hormone that promises better sex at 60. I though: "awesome, I live just down the hall in Apartment 47."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Guest (Dec 22, 2015)

More humor from my dementia afflicted father-in-law: 

Doctor: "What are we seeing your for today Bill?" Bill: "Everything my insurance will pay for." 

Nurse: "Bill, I'm going to take your blood pressure now." Bill: "Okay, just make sure you put it back, I'm not done using it yet."

My wife: "Dad, what would you like Santa to bring you this year." Bill: "Let's make sure I live that long before you make any big plans." (5 seconds later) "I did explain that Santa's not real didn't I?" (5 seconds later) "I need to get my car serviced before winter sets in." My wife: "Dad you don't have a car anymore." Bill: "Okay, better scratch that off the list."


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## Guest (Dec 22, 2015)

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."


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## jabrabu (Aug 2, 2010)

An old guy in an old folks home walks up to an old woman there and says, "Hey, it's my birthday today!" 
The old woman says, "Let me guess how old you are." 
She then puts her hand down his pants and feels around for several minutes and says, "You're 82." 
The old man says, "Wow, how could you tell that?"
She says, "Bob told me this morning."


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Forster said:


> More humor from my dementia afflicted father-in-law:
> 
> Doctor: "What are we seeing your for today Bill?" Bill: "Everything my insurance will pay for."
> 
> ...


My Mom has dementia, this is a good way to deal with this awful illness. The day of the SB terror attack, she came out and told me about it, and I didn't believe her  until way later in the day when I was able to see the news. I do have to say she is funnier than ever, and luckily hasn't reached the aggressive stage. I try to keep things ultra light, because not only does she have dementia but also has a colostomy, so as I'm going through that process I always make it as funny as that can possibly be.

Best of luck to you guys Forster.


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## Guest (Dec 22, 2015)

jcd46 said:


> My Mom has dementia, this is a good way to deal with this awful illness. The day of the SB terror attack, she came out and told me about it, and I didn't believe her  until way later in the day when I was able to see the news. I do have to say she is funnier than ever, and luckily hasn't reached the aggressive stage. I try to keep things ultra light, because not only does she have dementia but also has a colostomy, so as I'm going through that process I always make it as funny as that can possibly be.
> 
> Best of luck to you guys Forster.


 We're extremely fortunate. One of our good friend's step-father became agressive and angry and his wife ended up divorcing him (there were children on both sides from previous lives, his sons decided to side with him even though he wasn't making any sense). He would strike her then call the police and report her for abusing him (pretty hard to believe given her tiny size and being 87). When she tried to have him moved to assisted living in a memory unit the son's stepped in and forced her to move out. She divorced him and moved in with one of her daughters. Her son's still contend that she ran off with his money (because that's what he claims). It's a really tough illness to deal with, but like I said, we're among the lucky for sure.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Unreal story, but I'm glad you guys are on the lucky side. OK sorry back to funny stuff


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed...

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important thing...your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions; and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car... The sand is everything else—-the small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness...
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Ride your bike. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand"

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, "I’m glad you asked. The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend".


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## milliesand (Jun 29, 2015)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1041100


And every one of those words will be used to convict you.


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## Guest (Jan 9, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1041100


Married 25 years on the 31st and dated 8 years before that and I still hear about stuff that I did wrong when we dated. Ugh.


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## Guest (Jan 11, 2016)

I went into our local gun shop to buy some shotgun shells yesterday. The clerk said "Strip down and face left." Knowing that Obama is tightening up gun control rules I complied with her instructions. After a few tense moments and some yelling, I'm now fully aware that they have a new credit card machine and that I can no longer go within 300' of the store's front door.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

An 80 year old couple goes to the doctor and tell him they wanna have kids. The doctor says it's not possible at their advanced age. They disagree saying they have read about it & they want to try. So the doctor gives them a jar & says to go home and fill it. They bring the jar back at their next appointment and it is empty. The man says "Doc, I tried my left hand. I tried my right hand. Heck the wife even tried her mouth. But we can't get the lid off"!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."


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## Guest (Feb 1, 2016)

^^That joke is funnier the longer you've been married.^^ No complaints here, just celebrated our 25th yesterday. 

Related story: My dad was at one point a lay minister in our church. As he got older his attendance became more sporadic. The minister noting that one Sunday, suggested that his presence was important to the members of the church. My dad replied that the most important presence in our church was Jesus and that he too only attended in spirit. We were pretty small and my brother thought it was a joke so he started laughing. I never really felt comfortable in conversation with that minister again.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Disclaimer: This is not me. I just got new grips and I'm tickled pink


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1049553
> 
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not me. I just got new grips and I'm tickled pink


Oh common now. Girls are born pink.


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## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

Zomby Woof (MCM700) said:


> Those were good, especially the last one.


Fixt.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Thanks for this one Chuck


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## Guest (Feb 18, 2016)

The first is mostly true, the second (for me) is wishing my wife hadn't made plans and my back always hurts so there's not much to wonder about. I like it.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I was at the ATM the other day paying bills when this old lady walks up and asks me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her.


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

cyclelicious said:


> i was at the atm the other day paying bills when this old lady walks up and asks me to help her check her balance, so i pushed her.


lol.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

^^^^^^ True!


I think the Colonoscopy thread and this one should be merged.


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## jeffscott (May 10, 2006)

Why did I cross the road????


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2016)

We were watching "Fury" last night and my wife asks my son "Doesn't your dad look a little like Brad Pitt in this movie?" (For the record, I've no idea what she's talking about) My son responded "Maybe like a really old Brad Pitt who had a tough childhood." So I point out that I'm only a year older than Brad and my son says "That must have been a really bad year or a really tough childhood dad."


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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. 
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if 
not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, 
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
" Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart 
an "old Geezer"


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Forster said:


> Married 25 years on the 31st and dated 8 years before that and I still hear about stuff that I did wrong when we dated. Ugh.


My wife has a selective memory, she only selects the things she wants to remember. Fortunatley I never make a mistake, I know this because cuz she rarely mentions them later


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> I can vouch personally that it's not.
> 
> Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?


Sex in a car, dude, that's why we all got real jobs, so we got the money to get a room!


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Q. What do you call a blond who dies her hair black? A. Artificial intelligence


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Would you trust this weatherman?


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## jeffscott (May 10, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> Would you trust this weatherman?


Pirates day?


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

:thumbsup: Liked this from FB today


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## Guest (Apr 10, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1062877


 People underestimate the power of stubbornness. They think we all got stubborn because we got old. In fact, we got old because we were too stubborn to die younger.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## dave54 (Jul 1, 2003)

The old country rube took his family on the first trip to the big city. Never seen any building taller than 2 stories before. The old man and his son were standing in front of two big shiny metal doors that slid sideways open and closed, and exposed a little room right behind them. Above the doors were numbers that lit up 1-2-3-4-5 etc, then counted back down 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and some people came out of the little room. This fascinated the man and his son. After a while an elderly unattractive woman stood in front of the doors, pushed a button. The doors slid opened and she entered the little room, and the doors closed behind her. The numbers light up 1-2-3-4-5, paused a few minutes, and then numbers went 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and an attractive young woman walked out.
Then the man turned to his son and said "Boy, go get your mother."


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

An old man is sitting reading in bed while his wife is getting undressed. She pauses to look in the mirror and says 'Look at me? My hair is grey, I'm fat, my skin is wrinkly, my boobs are saggy and my teeth are rotten. For goodness sake, will you say something nice about me?' and her husband replies 'Well your eyesight is perfect'.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" 

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Old Mr Davidson is feeling lonely and a bit horny since his wife died, so he decides to give one of these prostitute women a try. Asking around in the seedy side of town, he soon finds himself in the lobby of a run-down brothel. 

He explains to the Madam at the desk why he's there and she gives him a run-down of the girl's rates. In shock Mr Davidson says "Oh no, I can't afford that" and the madam ask him how much he can afford. Sniffing at his miserly reply she tells him that he might be in luck as they let an old retired prostitute live in the attic and she might oblige him.

So he climbs the stairs, knocks on the dusty door to the attic and is met by old Betsy who motions him to sit on the bed. He watches quietly as she removes her wig and puts in on the dresser. Then she takes her teeth out and drops then into a large glass. Next she sits on the stool and unscrews her wooden leg! 

Straightening herself up she says to her guest "Would you like to have a feel of my breast?" and Mr Davidson replies "Sure, chuck it over".


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## Guest (Apr 26, 2016)

As company is leaving a man's 50th birthday party his wife turns to him and says "For your 50th I thought we'd try some new positions to spice things up." The man replies "Fantastic, I can't wait to get started." To which the wife replies "Okay, you go position yourself between the dishwasher and the sink, and I'll try drinking a beer on the sofa."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1066691


That is true! Totally true.


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## Guest (Apr 28, 2016)

An older couple is discussing their retirement plans when the wife says "If you die before me I don't think I'll remarry. Instead, since I'm more active than most women my age, I think I'll look for a couple of younger single or widowed women to share a house with." To which the husband replied "That's my plan too!"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Some interesting entertainment before dinner.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> Some interesting entertainment before dinner.


Brilliant :0)


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## dave54 (Jul 1, 2003)

The three stages of a married man's sex life:
Newlywed -- tri-weekly
married with kids -- try weekly
age 70 -- try weakly.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> Some interesting entertainment before dinner.


cool!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Lmao!^


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work. 

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Caturday


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> Happy Caturday
> 
> View attachment 1068696


and if you over sixty you have to put on your glasses to see that it's a kitty


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^ LOL! there is an idea for a good practical joke


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Is this what the world is coming to?


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Naughty Judy. Go to your room and think about that...


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## milliesand (Jun 29, 2015)

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. 

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass!!!!!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tribble Me again.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

jcd46 said:


> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tribble Me again.


Yeah, some good lines there.


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## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Those are funny and very creative. Did you write them yourself? I especially like the one about acid and prozac. So true. 

I wonder how it's all going play out before my time comes. Can it get any weirder?


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Fuzzle said:


> Can it get any weirder?


You are aware of the fact that Donald Trump is running for US President?


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Mr Pig said:


> You are aware of the fact that Donald Trump is running for US President?


lol - Running is fine... winning?


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

jcd46 said:


> lol - Running is fine... winning?


Get ready dude, a world of weirdness comin' at'cha! Trump is going to win, he is going to be a terrible president but it will not be boring.


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## Fuzzle (Mar 31, 2015)

Mr Pig said:


> Get ready dude, a world of weirdness comin' at'cha! Trump is going to win, he is going to be a terrible president but it will not be boring.


You're so right. So what next?


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

This?

http://forums.mtbr.com/general-discussion/i-need-new-country-live-1015051.html

lol


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## Mike E. (Jan 5, 2004)

Talking to a co-worker who's in his mid-fifties today and I mentioned "I'm getting older" (even though I'm officially 3 years too young to be on this forum)

He shrugged and said, "There's two things you need to remember as you get older.....don't ever waste an erection or trust a fart."

Left me doubled over in the middle of the shop.... 

Sorry Fuzzle for the inclusiveness....but maybe the second part applies to both sexes though


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Fuzzle said:


> Those are funny and very creative. Did you write them yourself? I especially like the one about acid and prozac. So true.
> 
> I wonder how it's all going play out before my time comes. Can it get any weirder?


I'm not that creative. Got it from a friend.

The world is getting weirder and weirder or at least the weird stuff is more visible on the internet. That's #5 right?


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Fuzzle said:


> You're so right. So what next?


Who knows? Will the USA be enough for him? The world next?


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## CaptDan (Jun 26, 2013)

Fuzzle said:


> You're so right. So what next?


Well, we have the first person ever nominated for the Presidency while under federal investigation...

Weerd.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Grandpa: The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead."Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.Grandpa says, "Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. 

He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Desperado.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1082500


So true! But I always win eventually ;0)


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

No, no, you have it all wrong.

I get her a bike for my birthday in the summer, thus ensuring a clear path to a new bike for me in the fall.

Everyone knows that the best time to get a new bike is just before winter 

It really does work...plus I already wash the dishes and do the laundry.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Great Quotes of A Sexual Nature By Famous Folks


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL." *Lynn Lavner

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." *George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." *Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." *Jack Nicholson" 

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" *Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." *Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" *Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" *Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." *Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." *Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." * Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." * Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." *Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." *George Burns


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## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

*Senior Texting Codes*

It's been a while since I've read thru these jokes, lots of great ones. Apologies if this has been posted - I may have forgotten, or IMHF!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Good one levity ... I'll try to remember some of these


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

cyclelicious said:


> Good one levity ... I'll try to remember some of these


Oh thank god. I hadn't heard you around here and was about to call the Mounties.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> Good one levity ... I'll try to remember some of these


Our age, you'd best write them down.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”

The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody!”


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Guest (Aug 15, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1088132


 They'll move to the Naproxen Chapter when they're done being posers and newbs.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

******** mountain biking*









Now that's a rigid fork!


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## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

bet it mows right over stuff!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him:

Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”

St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”

“What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”

“Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.

Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her.

After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates.

Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

“Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much…tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”

Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then – I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head…so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”

The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too…but, well, I guess life goes on – right?”

“Right!,” he said. “So, tell me…how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?”

“Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”

“Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?”

“Czechoslovakia”


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## rlouder (Jun 26, 2007)

My favorite lil'johnny joke...

One morning when lil' johnny was at school, the teacher noticed something was moving around in a bag beneath lil' johnny's chair.

Teacher. Lil' johnny, what is that moving around under your chair?

Lil' johnny. It's my cat.

Teacher. Lil' johnny, why did you bring your cat to school?

Lil'johnny. I had to. My father was going to kill it.

Teacher. Lil' johnny, what makes you think your father was going to kill the cat?

Lil' johnny. I overheard him tell my mom that after I left for school, he was going to eat that *****. (rhymes with ussy)


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## Guest (Sep 20, 2016)

Old guy is filling out paperwork in the doctors office and turns it in to the nurse. Upon review the nurse says "In the block 'sex', you marked 'sure', but the question is asking about gender." The old guy says, "at my age, I don't think I can get that picky."


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## plugp7 (Oct 8, 2011)

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
went out for a walk out of boredam
on the want back
a sex maniac
jumped out of a bush and ignored em.

The sisters were over 50!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

haha 

the next picture in the series shows a similarly "challenged" thief trying to cut the cable


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Bike theft in Toronto has gotten ridiculous 









Yup that's a U-lock


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

"No seat on this one. It'll be harder to pedal, we'd better steal a different bike."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> "No seat on this one. It'll be harder to pedal, we'd better steal a different bike."


:lol: "It's a tougher workout out of the saddle than seated "

Here's another angle... just because :lol:


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Doe this qualify as an E Bike?


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^lol^


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Phillbo said:


> Road Head is possible in any car.


But as we get older we prefer tilt steering wheels. Need more headroom.


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

jeffscott said:


> Why did I cross the road????


You've hit on the truest thing about aging; memory loss. It's the second thing to go. 
What's the first again?:???:


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

96 year old man goes for his checkup. 
"Doc, will I live to be a hundred?"
"I don't know, do you drink?"
"Not a drop"
"Smoke?"
"Never."
"Chase wild women?"
"Nope"
"Then why would you want to?"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this 
past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to
see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at
only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled
and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the
old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile…


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.
The wife said… "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm drinking a beer in the Hooters next to that."


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

3 old men talking at the old folks home
1) I wish I could take a good healthy poo again
2) I wish I could take a good healthy pee again
3) I take a good healthy pee at 6 every morning. I take a good healthy poo at 7. I just wish I could get outa bed before 8


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Women are indeed superior to men. Having babies was mentioned. Men can't do that.
We also can't bleed for 3-5 days every month without dying. And most of us can't bury a bone without getting our fingernails dirty!!!


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

OlMarin said:


> Women are indeed superior to men.


Not that we are wanting to start a fight or anything are we? ;0)


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

3 old hookers end up at the retirement home. 3 days later they're nekkid, on the front lawn. 
Yard sale.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. 

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. 

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. 

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' 

The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.
> 
> As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.
> 
> ...


Ugh


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

"Did you know I was on President Nixon's enemies list? Yes darlin', I told Tricia that if the Pilgrims had shot bobcats instead of turkeys for food, we'd be eating pu**y for Thanksgiving."

--Moms Mabley

sauce: Moms Mabley, the original wise old black lesbian comedian: ?Comedy ain? pretty? | Dangerous Minds


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1105184
> 
> 
> "Did you know I was on President Nixon's enemies list? Yes darlin', I told Tricia that if the Pilgrims had shot bobcats instead of turkeys for food, we'd be eating pu**y for Thanksgiving."
> ...


So I went and listened to her singing, then listened to the stand up, really classy stuff, great style:

"Momma, what's it like being married to an old man?"

"Well, it's like pushing an old Cadillac up a hill with a rope"


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## mudflap (Feb 23, 2004)

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' 
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' 
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. 
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He
is quite handsome, smelling faintly of an expensive after-shave,
flower in his lapel, shoes shined, using neither a cane nor a walker.
He presents a suave, debonair image.
Seated at the bar is an equally elderly fine-looking lady. The
gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a dry martini, takes
a sip, turns to her and says, "Tell me, good-looking, do I come here
often?"


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*This is the Guy who invented the High Five*

This is the Guy who invented the High Five


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?'


----------



## Seaview (Apr 30, 2006)

*Hello mtbiker over fiftyes*

that's for baby near Napoli , Italy


----------



## Seaview (Apr 30, 2006)

*and that's for you*

simple and through


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1110778


Haha!! My grandmother had one of those that didn't work. It was a storage unit for my entire life.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

NYrr496 said:


> My grandmother had one of those that didn't work.


They never worked. TV repair man was a job back then, you were on first name terms with the guys.


----------



## shaynec (Jul 22, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> An 80 year old couple goes to the doctor and tell him they wanna have kids. The doctor says it's not possible at their advanced age. They disagree saying they have read about it & they want to try. So the doctor gives them a jar & says to go home and fill it. They bring the jar back at their next appointment and it is empty. The man says "Doc, I tried my left hand. I tried my right hand. Heck the wife even tried her mouth. But we can't get the lid off"!


This site needs a like button.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^:lol:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1113232


Lol!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Eric Malcolm (Dec 18, 2011)

I am not yet at retiring age myself, but came across this 'QUOTE' at the 65th birthday of a professional gentleman whom I visited recently:

I am not making any aged related jokes on your birthday because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are....

Nice to work with a great bunch of work-mates.

Eric


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Old school headphones


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Are you really for this challenge?


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

That's pretty much my exercise schedule, but without the beer.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump Day!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


----------



## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> Happy Hump Day!
> 
> Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
> 
> ...


Lol 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## mudflap (Feb 23, 2004)

While canvasing a neighborhood, a young male pollster was invited in to talk by an elderly woman who would by no means stand at the front door and have a conversation.
After sitting down and being served a cup of tea, the pollster noticed a bowl of nuts which he casually began to nibble on as their conversation went on.
After an hour, with nothing but crumbs remaining, the young man apologized for eating all the nuts, to which the elderly woman replied not to worry, that ever since she had lost all her teeth, all she could do now was suck the chocolate off the outsides.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

ravewoofer said:


> Lol
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'd like to double that laugh.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1110778


And the best part was getting a new TV and setting it on top of the old cabinet TV.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

I liked the fact that you could put a big stack of singles on them and they would play them one after the other. Seemed so advanced back then!


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Mr Pig said:


> I liked the fact that you could put a big stack of singles on them and they would play them one after the other. Seemed so advanced back then!


With the arm that would hold them up. Plus the plastic pieces you could slip into the hole of a 45 to allow it to play on a standard turn table. Good times and very advanced.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> With the arm that would hold them up. Plus the plastic pieces you could slip into the hole of a 45 to allow it to play on a standard turn table. Good times and very advanced.
> 
> View attachment 1118088
> 
> ...


Serious flashback, love those adaptors!


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Nurse Ben said:


> Serious flashback, love those adaptors!


Yes, I had some major flashbacks as well looking around the net for those photos.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Obviously this guy is not a mtbr (and hasn't hit 50 yet )


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> Obviously this guy is not a mtbr (and hasn't hit 50 yet )
> 
> View attachment 1118587


lol - that looks like a "fatty" to me


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

jcd46 said:


> lol - that looks like a "fatty" to me


And it's a lady not a dude. :eekster:


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> And it's a lady not a dude. :eekster:


lol yep and she looks quite happy for her age


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

jcd46 said:


> lol yep and she looks quite happy for her age


Probably due to the fatty in her hand.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

... unless you are doing it wrong


----------



## Guest (Feb 2, 2017)

^^Not if, but when.^^ 26 years on the 31st of Jan. Trust me on this.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1119150
> 
> 
> ... unless you are doing it wrong


For some reason I always do it wrong.  :thumbsup:


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Win! ^^^ :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1119235


All my wife said was "yup".


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The other side of that one:
Would you get married again?

WIFE:What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? 

HUSBAND: Definitely not! 

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? 

HUSBAND: Of course I do. 

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. 

WIFE: You would? (With a hurt look on her face). 

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). 

WIFE: Would you live in our house? 

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. 

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? 

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? 

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. 

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? 

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? 

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. 

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND:Oh S***

Now proceed back to the first joke, cause you're dead!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

:yesnod: ^


Good ones!


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

^ and true.
My first did this.
"I'm fat"
"You still look good to me, honey."
"No I'm fat"
Repeat ad nauseum until I finally say,
OK, your fat!
"What do you mean I'm fat?"
She ended up eating poison mushrooms that killed her
Second wife stayed slim, but she died of a fractured skull




b!tch wouldn't eat the mushrooms


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Foxglove, my wife is growing some, should I be worried?


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


----------



## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

@Tribble

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: for a couple of great ones!!


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Tribble Me said:


> The other side of that one:
> Would you get married again?
> 
> WIFE:What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
> ...


^^^^ Five Star comedy gold.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

This is an oldie but if you haven't seen it....


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Don't worry if you forget to pull up your fly. Worry when you start forgetting to pull it down.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Be a shark


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Do sharks worry about nails. 

No, because they're too busy being sharks!

So I get this ache, on my left cheek, it started in elementary school, there was the kid who put tacks on people's seats. ..


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Nurse Ben said:


> Do sharks worry about nails.
> 
> No, because they're too busy being sharks!
> 
> So I get this ache, on my left cheek, it started in elementary school, there was the kid who put tacks on people's seats. ..


In my junior high a kid was taking Super Glue and gluing all the phone receivers down. Oh, and the old throwing the pencils into the ceiling tile trick. If you sharpen a pencil and throw it just right, the tip acts Iike an arrow and sticks in the soft ceiling tiles. One classroom had 100's of pencils stuck in the cieling before the teacher finally noticed. It went on for months before she noticed. Every time she'd turn her back someone would flick one up. Lol

You'd think she would have caught on with all the giggling going on behind her back.

Teachers get all the respect. I can just imagine today's youth and what they put them through.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*Classified Ad*


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister and your best friend!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Lol


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Made my morning.^ lol


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Don't know if it's true or not....


One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did. 

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?" 

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do." 

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?” 

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." 

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.


----------



## SworksDan (Nov 29, 2011)

*A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.

*Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

*After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at
our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days."

*The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!"

*The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.
Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our
good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

*The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and
then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately
put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

*The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

*She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

*Adam ate the apple, too!

*Men will never learn!


----------



## SworksDan (Nov 29, 2011)

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

SworksDan said:


> As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"
> 
> "Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."
> 
> The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight."


Bahahahahahaha..


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Guest (Feb 28, 2017)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1123917


 None of that works at all if you just returned to the country, haven't reset your watch's date function and it happens to be your wife's birthday (which you think is tomorrow).


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1123917


and even though I know all the right answers, my brain insists I stay in the red and yellow zone 

I suppose she could get the beer first, THEN I could push my luck


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Even better:

Have some chocolate with the wine!


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

I have personally witnessed chocolate altering the chemical composition of my wife's brain.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Gasp4Air said:


> I have personally witnessed chocolate altering the chemical composition of my wife's brain.


:thumbsup: An easy fix for any mood. May I suggest keeping some on hand at all times.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Even in Harry Potter, I forget which movies or books:

Lupin handing Harry chocolate "Eat this, it helps, it really does."
and
Madam Pomfrey: "Well, he should have some chocolate, at the very least."
"I've already had some. Professor Lupin gave me some."
"Did he, now? So we've finally got a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who knows his remedies?"


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*How can ONE Woman simultaneously satisfy 12 Men ??? *

How can ONE Woman simultaneously satisfy 12 Men ???


----------



## CaptDan (Jun 26, 2013)

An older gentleman was quite upset when he noticed his Sunday newspaper hadn't been delivered.

He called the newspaper, asked for the circulation department, and proceeded to aggressively dress-down the person on the other end of the line.

Finally, the newspaper rep said,
"Sir, if you want your Sunday paper, you'll have to wait two days.
Today is Friday."

At that, the older gentleman paused, then said,
"No wonder there was no one in church today."


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> Even better: Have some chocolate with the wine!


Do you realise that this is why God created man first? Had He made the woman first and she'd had the choice between a male companion or wine and chocolate? Human race ends right there dude!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

He better answer correctly


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## camp10 (Mar 2, 2015)

This is a good group for this joke:

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1126019


lol. That could happen if I'm not wearing my eyeglasses. 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1126019


So THAT'S why my mail service has become so shitty........


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

^ lol


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Kevin was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey,​Kevin tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to ​Kevin. "What in bag?" asked the old man. 

​Kevin looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got 
it for my wife. "The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade ..."


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> Kevin was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, Kevin tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Kevin. "What in bag?" asked the old man.
> 
> Kevin looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got
> it for my wife. "The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
> ...


It was indeed


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

I always wanted the Road Runner to get caught and killed. I watched the cartoon in the hope that one day it would happen. Never did.


----------



## euro-trash (Feb 9, 2008)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> I can vouch personally that it's not.
> 
> Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?


If you were able to get laid as the owner of a Fiero you have some mad skills.

Think there's anyone under 35 reading this wondering "what's a Fiero?"

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Mr Pig said:


> I always wanted the Road Runner to get caught and killed. I watched the cartoon in the hope that one day it would happen. Never did.


LOL! Same here! but you have to give credit to the Coyote for his persistence and dedication to get the job done, even though it always backfired. Sort of like my riding


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

euro-trash said:


> If you were able to get laid as the owner of a Fiero you have some mad skills.
> 
> Think there's anyone under 35 reading this wondering "what's a Fiero?"
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I didn't own it, she did. It was a one time thing that I'll never forget. If you are familiar with the console in a Fiero it kind of forces only one possible position.

Here's a distraction from this conversation.


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hmmm tough in a fiero, tougher on a MINI. 😊😊


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

jcd46 said:


> Hmmm tough in a fiero, tougher on a MINI. 😊😊


Try a '68 VW Bug


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

jcd46 said:


> Hmmm tough in a fiero, tougher on a MINI. 


I beg to differ. If it wasn't for the huge console in a Fiero it would be easy. It's a good thing she was an aerobics instructor.
[we are all over 21 here, right?]


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> I beg to differ. If it wasn't for the huge console in a Fiero it would be easy. It's a good thing she was an aerobics instructor.
> [we are all over 21 here, right?]
> 
> View attachment 1128096


My mistake was going in the back! Seats of the MINI lol. Didnt those Fieros used to catch on fire?


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

jcd46 said:


> Didn't those Fieros used to catch on fire?


I'm not sure, all I know is one did that night. 

Getting back on topic:


----------



## Guest (Mar 23, 2017)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> I'm not sure, all I know is one did that night.
> 
> Getting back on topic:
> 
> View attachment 1128101


 Making fun of rusty people is rustist and hurtful. Consider yourself on report.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Forster said:


> Making fun of rusty people is rustist and hurtful. Consider yourself on report.


What about us crusty people? Why can't we even be recognized? I demand crust protection!!!!


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Lets not forget the musty, dusty people of the world,


----------



## Guest (Mar 24, 2017)

OlMarin said:


> What about us crusty people? Why can't we even be recognized? I demand crust protection!!!!


 Are you really crusty or just self-identified as crusty? There's a difference.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Gasp4Air said:


> Lets not forget the musty, dusty people of the world,


STAND UP for musty dusty crusty bike shorts!!!!
Or let them stand on their own.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Forster said:


> Are you really crusty or just self-identified as crusty?


I'm a true crust. Upper variety and very crusty!!

(got myself outa that one....)


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Forster said:


> Making fun of rusty people is rustist and hurtful. Consider yourself on report.


How long does this report last? Because I've got some doozies waiting in the wings ready to be launched.


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

DJ Vigilante said:


> How long does this report last? Because I've got some doozies waiting in the wings ready to be launched.


Don't keep us in suspense...


----------



## Guest (Mar 24, 2017)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> How long does this report last? Because I've got some doozies waiting in the wings ready to be launched.
> 
> View attachment 1128201


 Unlike actual assaults (where there are limits to incarceration), hurt feelings reports are forever.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Gasp4Air said:


> Lets not forget the musty, dusty people of the world.


All of the old people I know smell like boiled garbage.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Mr Pig said:


> All of the old people I know smell like boiled garbage.


That's the smell of pee


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

Mr Pig said:


> I always wanted the Road Runner to get caught and killed. I watched the cartoon in the hope that one day it would happen. Never did.


A little family guy action


----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

OlMarin said:


> That's the smell of pee


No, it's the smell of necrotizing cells.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

When do they stop going IN heat? Isn't that in the late '40's? Is that elderly now?
I must be a dinosaur


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Ericmopar said:


> No, it's the smell of necrotizing cells.


You mean it's not them going in heat?


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Dirtrider127 said:


> A little family guy action


Awesome!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Dirtrider127 said:


> A little family guy action


Now that's funny


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.

After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris
replied.

To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur, be careful!'"




Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft.
Lauderdale, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and
cheaper too, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a
penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about.."


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Lol ^


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Lol ^
> 
> View attachment 1129517


Actually saw this happen once at a highway rest stop. A 5 year old was sitting in the urinal and before I could tell him that wasn't the way it worked he got up, leaving a couple of turds behind.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Q: How do you get two old ladies to say "F*ck"?

A: Have a third lady to say "Bingo!"


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Gasp4Air said:


> Actually saw this happen once at a highway rest stop. A 5 year old was sitting in the urinal and before I could tell him that wasn't the way it worked he got up, leaving a couple of turds behind.


LOL
I had a similar experience but a bit more disgusting. Years ago I went to a Bruce Springsteen concert. A big indoor arena event. It was so over packed that the numerous female restrooms were full. Lines went on for 100' or so. The drugged and drunk ladies were so desperate to go they started hitting the men's rooms. The men's rooms are the type that are huge with long metal troughs to urinate in. There was a young 20 year old girl laying in one passed out. The sick males were laughing and pissing all around her. I went out and found a couple of security guards and told them what was going on. I'm not sure what happened after that but hopefully she was ok and they saved her from this abuse.


----------



## OrenPerets (May 1, 2006)

Forster said:


> Not strictly a joke, but a pun from unlikely sources. My father-in-law has pretty acute non-Alzheimer's dementia. In addition to having taken his short term memory and a good deal of his long term memory (he remembers the War in Korea but not being married for 40 years) it has lowered his inhibitions. Not strictly a bad thing in his case because what's left is a light-hearted and charming old guy who asks about dancing girls about 20 times a day which is better than the pissed-off, swearing old guy in the next room.
> 
> Anyway, he gets into loops of puns. This week it's all about giving blood draws. When the first nurse came in and couldn't hit the vein she told him she would need help with the draw and he retorted "it's all in vein", the next nurse walked in and (because he doesn't remember the joke he just told but he looping on a concept) he says, "do you use the extra blood, because I'd hate to think this was all in vein." The second nurse had difficulties, but drew the sample and he says "I've never been very vein." Not the funniest puns, but coming from an 85-year-old who can't tell you if he ate dinner 5 minutes after leaving the table, I'll take it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMay (Dec 24, 2013)

Wife just gave me this Tshirt:


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Nice! ^


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Guest (Apr 7, 2017)

Old guy next to me at the pharmacy was apparently picking up some ED meds. The pharmacist (seeing his hearing aids) warned him that his prescription can cause temporary hearing loss. Without hesitating (and loud like he has really serious hearing loss) he says: "You don't have to tell me that I've been married to her for 42 years, her hearing is always bad when I take a Viagra." And that is how you turn everyone in a pharmacy beet red.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1130367


This should probably have gone in the bicycle friendly city thread.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## noosa2 (May 20, 2004)

MattMay said:


> Wife just gave me this Tshirt:


Wife got me the same same shift. It must have been on sale...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Caturday laugh


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

Dirtrider127 said:


> A little family guy action


Haa haaaa!!!!


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, 
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, 
my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, 
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" 
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
and whispered,
"Robin Hood All-Purpose Flour, isn't it?" 
And thus began my life of celibacy....


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

Tribble Me said:


> What is Celibacy?
> Celibacy can be a choice in life,
> Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
> 
> ...


That reminds me of a sign I saw once: What's the one thing a woman can eat that permanently kills her libido?

Her own Wedding Cake.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday!

View attachment 1135464


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

^^^ That is genius. Cheers was such a great show.


----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

cyclelicious said:


> Caturday laugh


I made it to 2:15 and just couldn't take any more


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

NYrr496 said:


> ^^^ That is genius. Cheers was such a great show.


I agree, some amazing writers in that show.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1136552


I've been saying that for years.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Guest (May 23, 2017)

The last one is the best. I can't tell you how many folks have shared their "Internet Voodoo" secrets with me over the years. Crushed disc in your back causing you to lose the use of your left foot? No worries, there's a pill and elastic belt that will cure that in no time. Frozen shoulder making it hard to put shirts on? I know just the supplement to repair muscle tears that had scarred together.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump Day!


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Yep... And be sure the doctor doesn't have both hands on your shoulders.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> Happy Hump Day!
> 
> View attachment 1138737





NYrr496 said:


> Yep... And be sure the doctor doesn't have both hands on your shoulders.


Both - :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Haha Love it.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Of course you all knot about the cross eyed foot fetishist who kept getting off on the wrong foot............


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

OlMarin said:


> Of course you all knot about the cross eyed foot fetishist who kept getting off on the wrong foot............


This reminds me of one my mom always says...

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Food's good but it's got no atmosphere.

I swear, I've heard that a thousand times.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Day one of my new job:

After landing my new job as a ‘meet and greeter’ at Jack's Paint and Hardware - a lovely position for a guy like me, and I would say for older folk who have taken their foot off the gas….so to speak……I lasted less than a day ...... 

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Jacks Paint." 
I smiled and added, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" 

This ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Twins..???? Do they look like twins?? Of course they aren’t twins you idiot!!! The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" 

I looked her in the eye, smiled and replied, "No madam, I'm neither blind nor stupid, I just can’t believe someone would have screwed you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Jack's Paint and Hardware" 

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. Maybe I should try Walmart...


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Double laugh ^^

Tribble, the first one I actually fell for, for a minute.


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Those are both great.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## RustyIron (Apr 14, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> Caturday laugh


Don't worry about it, son. Soon enough your eyesight will be so bad that you'll once again look like the stud you used to be.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

I have become competitive in napping. I used to never understand my older friends who always took a nap. 
In all fairness, mine comes from commuting. I ride the 4:12 home every day. On Saturday, I almost NEED a nap around 4:30.


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1142020


Thankfully they built in some rest & recovery days into the schedule


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The Old Man And The Beaver 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he set off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Two ******** are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!"


----------



## Guest (Jun 14, 2017)

Tribble Me said:


> Two ******** are drinking in a bar.
> 
> One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
> 
> "Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!"


 Glad you didn't throw the VFW card. I'm on my way to that meeting in about 30 minutes.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday


----------



## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> Throwback Thursday
> 
> View attachment 1143086


Gawd, How true is that!?


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

cyclelicious said:


> Throwback Thursday
> 
> View attachment 1143086


.
Fnnny, but I wonder how senile (or deaf) you have to be to confuse Jimi Hendrix with ACDC.


----------



## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

Gasp4Air said:


> .
> Fnnny, but I wonder how senile (or deaf) you have to be to confuse Jimi Hendrix with ACDC.


I took it as arguing over who was the best.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

chuckha62 said:


> I took it as arguing over who was the best.


Make sense. Can you also help me understand the sign under the clock means?

EDIT: Just figured it out. It's Spanish for Asylum. I looked closely at the pic and realized the band names in the word balloons had been altered.


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

Gasp4Air said:


> Make sense. Can you also help me understand the sign under the clock means?


It's the spanish word for asylum


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

TheBaldBlur said:


> It's the spanish word for asylum


Beat me to it.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

In front of one of my local coffee shops. :lol::lol:


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Guest (Jun 24, 2017)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1143436


 Nope, my memory is gone too.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1143367


Good to see he still has his wits about him and wears a helmet.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

He probably has a different kind of dropper.


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

New wheel size to fight about too. 😁


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

With new geometry as well.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

This is what I thought people were talking about when I first heard about fat tires


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Mr Smith was an older man with a young wife. They were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. 

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.

"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"

"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Along the same lines:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

yes it is IMHO


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> yes it is IMHO
> 
> View attachment 1145472


I think I'm on the same page with you there Licious. Let's see, are you on page 4?


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I had a whole week of interviews. :lol:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

Lmao.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. 
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern *******."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

LOL! 

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tribble Me again.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Some over 50's do like change


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

That was too funny 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to cyclelicious again."


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

I noticed my hair is thinning. But the more hair I lose, the more head I get.


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Just been told this one.

I told the missus I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, but she just laughed at me.

You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…

"Try doing it with the engine running."


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
> 
> The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
> 
> ...


HAHAHA! That's excellent.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
> 
> The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
> 
> ...


Actually...my MIL recently had major open heart surgery. They stopped her heart while they worked on it.


----------



## Guest (Aug 24, 2017)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1153718


 Boyle's law of gas expansion suggests that the glass is always full. I consider the glass half empty if your drinking from it and half full if you're filling it. I could be over thinking it.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now, when can I go home?'


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. 
I tried this a few more times with no success. 

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)

honesty


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I find this useful at the office:


----------



## Guest (Aug 30, 2017)

Tribble Me said:


> I find this useful at the office:
> View attachment 1155049


 Had those on a pad on my desk too. Not always helpful, but generally entertaining.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Been posted before, but haven't seen it for a while. Internet version.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The wedding .....

A father texts his son:

"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."




His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:

"I know."


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God
bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. 

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the Crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

An old chestnut...

Best man's speech at the wedding party: "I never know what true happiness was until I got married. But then it was too late."

Ba-da-boom


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'




Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob".

This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head, and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.

"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on several occasions, and I've loved the results. BUT... Now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry,Those aren't bags, those are your breasts".

She replied, "Oh, well, I guess that explains the goatee..."


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

When I was a young lad in my 50s, I really looked forward to turning 60.

I was devastated when I discovered that sexagenarian didn't mean what I thought it did.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I've always like Little Johnny.



Tribble Me said:


> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'
> 
> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
> 
> ...


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

This been posted yet?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1157489


Alas, that's very topical right now.


----------



## Guest (Sep 13, 2017)

OlMarin said:


> This been posted yet?


Probably goes in the Squirrel thread.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

John and Bill, two friends of equal ability decide to play a round of golf together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the first hole, a long par-5, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards away.

They drive up for their second shots and John hits his shot again down the middle, setting up an easy approach. But Bill slices his second shot over into the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.

“Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” Bill says.

“Oh no,” says his friend. “We agreed; play it as it lies.”

So, Bill drops John off in front of the green and drives over to his ball on the cart path. John watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent and then he looks on in amazement as Bill hits a perfectly struck shot that lands on the green and rolls to within three feet of the pin.

Pleased, Bill drives up to the green as John approaches.

“Great shot back there!” John said. “What club did you use?”

Bill smiled and replied, “Your six iron.”


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

There was a group of mountainbikers who went cycling weekly. 

Rain, sleet, snow or shine they never missed their ride. 

One day as they were coming to the end of their ride they came to a stop at an intersection and noticed a funeral procession coming from their left. 

As it passed one rider immediately got off his bike, took off his helmet, and bowed his head. 

After the procession had passed the surprised others turned to this fellow and said " Mike, that certainly was very respectful". 

Mike turned to his friends and said" It's the least I could do, she was a wonderful wife".


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

(borrowed from FBook)


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^lol


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

These days it's spelled with a T.



cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1160862


----------



## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)

Never Pass a bathroom,
Never Trust a Fart,
and
Never EVER waste a Hard On !


----------



## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)

123


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Never waste a what?


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

OlMarin said:


> Never waste a what?


You remember, it's that thing that happened to you in middle school whenever the teacher called you to the board 

Now those were the days!


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Nurse Ben said:


> You remember, it's that thing that happened to you in middle school whenever the teacher called you to the board
> 
> Now those were the days!


I don't recall. They say as you get older the memory is the 2nd thing to go. I forgot what the 1st is


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

^^


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Od man goes to the doc saying he feels great but his friends say he looks really bad. After all the BP. pulse, cholesterol checks the doc is dumbfounded. Gets out his med books. 
Looks good, feels good...nope
Looks bad, feels bad...nope.
Looks bad, feels great.....here it is.
Sir, you're a vagina


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby,
so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the pastor's family expanded;... so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to 
hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's 
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. 

In the back pew, a little old 90 year old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
"Rain is a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."


----------



## Super Seven Cosworth (Oct 16, 2017)

Phillbo said:


> Road Head is possible in any car.


My significant other is game, but neither a Lotus 7 nor an Esprit are all that suitable.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Super Seven Cosworth said:


> My significant other is game, but neither a Lotus 7 nor an Esprit are all that suitable.


Cool, what's her number?


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

If things can happen in a Mini Coop, I'm convinced any car will do.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

I have fond memories from a 1967 VW bug, but I was a lot more flexible then.


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

1969 Charger. Had a girlfriend that had a 79 Caprice Classic. That car had a ton of room and she was short. She could sorta stand in it.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1163980


I like that one, it fits my mood after a long day at work


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Have you ever been guilty of looking at other people your own age and thinking "Surely I can't look THAT old!". Well, you're gonna LOVE this one.

My name is Carol Jansen, and recently, I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma hanging on the wall which bore his full name.

I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some forty-plus years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was WAY too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Elmwood Park High School. 'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Tiger!' he gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?', I asked. He answered 'In 1975. Why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!', I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and carefully, then that old, decrepit, balding fat-ass son-of-a-***** asked...

'What did you teach?'


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Guy goes to the Dr. to pick up his wife's results from some extensive tests. 

The Dr. tells him: "we have a problem sir, we have mixed your wife's exams with another patient, and we are not sure if she has HIV or Alzheimer's"

Puzzled, the guy goes WTF am I suppose to do? 

Which the Dr. replied: "Take her to the forest, leave her there, IF she returns home? Don't sleep with her.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The Kentucky Sun Post reported that a woman, one Anne Banyard, has sued St Joan's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Banyard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Not a joke, but I figured this was the best place to drop this in.

Even in the 1890s they were nostalgic about the 'old days'.


----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

A 12 year old boy living on a farm gets out of bed and walks down the stairs to the kitchen. Sits down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mom, where’s breakfast?

His mother says you’re not getting any breakfast until you feeds the chicken, pig and cow.

The little boy stomps out of the house with an attitude. Stomps over and feeds the chicken, then kicks the chicken.

Stomps over and feeds the pig, then kicks the pig.

Stomps over and feeds the cow, then kicks the cow. 

He then stomps into the house, still with an attitude, plops his butt down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mother, where’s my breakfast?

His mother says, you kicked the pig the chicken and the cow. No eggs bacon or milk for you young man.

Right about that time the father walks down the stairs and at the bottom kicks the cat.

The little boy looks at his mother and says, do you want me to tell him, or do you want to?


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Seasonally relevant.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Joe's wife Mary was about to hit the big 60, so he asked her, “If you could have anything, what would you really like for your birthday?”

Mary said, “I’d give anything to be fifteen again.”

On the morning of Mary's birthday, they got up early and they went to a Theme Park. Joe put her on every ride in the park; Amazing Roller Coaster, Screaming Loop, Tunnel of Fear and many others.

Mary had every ride in park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later. Her head was turning and got nausea. Then they went to the movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank coke. They really tired. At last they came home and collapsed into bed.

Joe leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being fifteen again?” 

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Ha!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. 
So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Tribble Me said:


> I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
> As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
> So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
> It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


That's hilarious! Being a recovered alcoholic I can attest to doing similar.


----------



## Guest (Nov 16, 2017)

Not a joke, but I find it humorous that I'm getting ads for adult diapers on my email server account now. Not sure what I searched that led the internet to think I need diapers, but they now think I'm in the customer pool.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Forster said:


> Not a joke, but I find it humorous that I'm getting ads for adult diapers on my email server account now. Not sure what I searched that led the internet to think I need diapers, but they now think I'm in the customer pool.


All it takes is one accidental click, and you are doomed! I get women's clothes offerings on the right side of this site, and couldn't tell you how,and is not even Victoria's Secret.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I kinda enjoy the yoga pants ads that show up on mine sometimes, I make sure to click on them occasionally so I keep getting them!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Guest (Nov 29, 2017)

Osco said:


> View attachment 1169219


 That was actually the meme that got Matt Lauer fired.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday!


----------



## Guest (Dec 3, 2017)

I'd ride a hundred and ride a hundred more. Guess I'm just an amateur claimer.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1170689


Lol!


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

This popped up on my FB feed from https://m.tickld.com/x/policeman-stops-a-woman-in-the-street-but-he-didnt-expect-this:

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^lol!


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so the Christmas Season begins.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1172326


So, basically the true root of evil is babies.

I knew it all along.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

^^^Unfortunately I lived that for too long. Bicycle riding brought me back from that abyss


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

New method of protection for downhill runs after age 50


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Tribble Me said:


> New method of protection for downhill runs after age 50
> 
> View attachment 1173329


Wasn't Picard looking for extra protection?


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Tribble Me said:


> New method of protection for downhill runs after age 50
> 
> View attachment 1173329


That's really cool. What exactly is that they are carrying?


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

chazpat said:


> That's really cool. What exactly is that they are carrying?


Vegan cyclists on a self supported tour of the local trails.


----------



## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

^ We can laugh at this, but SRS bicycles are beasts of burden in many parts of the world.
And pound for pound, a bicycle will haul more than any other wheeled vehicle.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I thought these were pretty amazing too.















Love the roof on this one.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

They look like pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1174230


It never gets any better either. Three of our four are out of college, working and don't live with us any more. One is married. They STILL come here for vitamins, groceries, toothpaste, soap...
WHEN DOES IT END???


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

NYrr496 said:


> It never gets any better either. Three of our four are out of college, working and don't live with us any more. One is married. They STILL come here for vitamins, groceries, toothpaste, soap...
> WHEN DOES IT END???


When you say it does.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Gasp4Air said:


> When you say it does.


What he said.

You may need to get your wife to agree


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Gasp4Air said:


> When you say it does.


^^^^^This. Things like this only happy when you allow them to. IE, "no" is a complete sentence.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy (belated) Hump Day


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

NYrr496 said:


> It never gets any better either. Three of our four are out of college, working and don't live with us any more. One is married. They STILL come here for vitamins, groceries, toothpaste, soap...
> WHEN DOES IT END???


Damn, out of toothpaste.

Hey NY, mind if I drop by to say "hello"?


----------



## shekky (Oct 21, 2011)

it's not a joke, but a song:


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Nurse Ben said:


> What he said.
> 
> You may need to get your wife to agree


There lies the problem.


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

chazpat said:


> Damn, out of toothpaste.
> 
> Hey NY, mind if I drop by to say "hello"?


No problem. I'll make you a care package with a toothbrush and some vitamins to boot.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

It's a comb up!


----------



## Picard (Apr 5, 2005)

Forster said:


> That was actually the meme that got Matt Lauer fired.


Is that an actual meme?

Sent from my F3213 using Tapatalk


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Little bit late on this one, but....


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Guest (Jan 5, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1176301


 Pretty funny. Reminds me of a conversation with a young man over christmas. He spent 12 years getting his 4-year degree (which dosen't bother me, I spend 30 years getting mine) while only working enough to pay tuition and being supported by his wife. Now (a full year after graduation) he's finally working full time and we were talking about savings accounts and emergency funds. He says "Man, what I wouldn't give to have $5K in my savings account. I just can't think about money in the same way that your generation thinks about it." Really? I never thought of "realism" as being a generational concept. I gave him the same advice my dad gave me: Increase your standard of living at 1/2 the rate you increase your income and save the rest. Easy to say, hard to do, super effective.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Words with two meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........ Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male…… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male…… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

He said….. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said…. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Like it!



Tribble Me said:


> He said&#8230;.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
> She said.... You wear pants don't you?
> 
> He said&#8230;.. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> ...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1177066


I can't wait for reel to reel to return.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

honkinunit said:


> I can't wait for reel to reel to return.


I've got a ReVox. Never use it but it looks cool :0)


----------



## formica (Jul 4, 2004)

Anyone have "what's that round thing?" conversation with your kids before the comeback?


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner. 


♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## jimbikeski (Aug 17, 2010)

Forster said:


> An old man walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink that will make him better looking to younger women. The bartender says "Alcohol only makes men think women are sexier. It's different with women." So the old man asks "What can I do to make me sexier to women?". To which the bartender replies, "Well, to start with, you need more money in your billfold."


Reminds me of the guy at the bar who leans over to the young woman next to him and says, "I'm not really this tall. I'm sitting on my billfold."


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

"Perhaps you didn't notice, sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing career going?' 

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?' 

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.' 

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.' 

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?' 

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'. 

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?' 

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.' 

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger 

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.' 

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?' 

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.' 

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.' 

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?' 

Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?' 

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1177066


I just saw this. Thanks! I just resurrected my entire system and put a new turntable in place. I'm listening to vinyl I haven't heard in 20 years.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

chuckha62 said:


> I just saw this. Thanks! I just resurrected my entire system and put a new turntable in place. I'm listening to vinyl I haven't heard in 20 years.


Cool. What sort of turntable did you get?

Vinyl is cool in the UK and there is a big revival that shows no sign of slowing down. Record sales are up year on year and most new albums are released on vinyl.

It's great news as vinyl sounds so much better than digital. The down side is that turntables, tonearms etc have rocketed in value. A basic used turntable that would've been worth £50 thirty years ago sells for more than double that today.

Vinyl is fun isn't it? ;0)


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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

I bought a Numark. It's supposed to be able to rip my LPs directly to MP3, but I haven't done it yet. To tell the truth, I'd be just as happy with my old school Technics SL-B202. It has a tone arm lifter and the Numark doesn't. It also has a dust cover and the Numark doesn't.

Having fun with it, nonetheless.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

If you still have the Technics you should dig it out and try it, might be better than the Numark. Dare say it'll need a new stylus by now though. 

This whole USB turntable thing is a con. Virtually all PCs and laptops have mic inputs you can plug a cable from for your amp into which will do the same thing. 

Years ago only high-end turntables tended to come without lids, often the configuration of the turntable makes a lid tricky, but quite a few budget turntable are like that now. Pro-Ject are the worst, half of their tables don't have lids. It's just cost cutting. Who the heck wants a record player you can't keep the dust off?


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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

Funny you say that. I have been looking for my Technics and cannot remember what happened to it. I don't remember getting rid of it, but hell if I know where it is. I see them on Craigslist from time to time and they generally run around $50-$60 US. I'll pick one up when I can (or another brand) and compare.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Annoying when that happens. I wouldn't bother seeking out that particular deck, if you are up for buying another anyway just buy the best one you can find. Rega turntables really are very hard to beat for the money but they might be thin on the ground over there? Pro-Ject turntables sound ok but build is generally poor. 

It's a fun hobby. I've bought and sold a few turntables recently.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## chuckha62 (Jul 11, 2006)

Cleaning. Or as my wife calls it, Foreplay.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1181234


We have a storage room that I've given up on. I don't even try to use it any more as my wife has turned it into a total dump. Last night she says:

"I went though some of my boxes and I've taken stuff out of them."

Me: "So they now take to the same amount of space, they just have less in them?"

"Yeah, but it's a start. I'm going to rationalize my stuff."

"Rationalize is good. Rationalize sounds positive and constructive. Much better than, 'getting rid of your shite!' "


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

My problem is that if I were to clear out stuff and leave empty space my wife would put new stuff there. So my brother suggested putting empty boxes in the spaces. 

I'm planning to haul a box a day out when she's not looking. I figure I'll be done in about 2 years.


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## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

Tribble Me said:


> I'm planning to haul a box a day out when she's not looking. I figure I'll be done in about 2 years.


Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Dirtrider127 said:


> Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan


Yeah, I'm mostly kidding, that probably would be the result, or she'd go out and buy it all again and then divorce me. Besides, I've got my own junk to deal with first.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Guest (Feb 7, 2018)

Funny, when I was 30 Doctors were worried that my blood pressure was too low, at 50 they worried it was getting too high. At 56 I'm just happy to have blood pressure at all.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Lol


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Dirtrider127 said:


> Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan


Yet it's OK for them to throw out your stuff.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

OlMarin said:


> Yet it's OK for them to throw out your stuff.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A Love Story


I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed, and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. 

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.






All my love,


The Flu


Now, stop thinking about sex, you are too old, and go get your flu shot!


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

^^^That's too funny^^^


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1183104


Heh, put a cat or three in there and that's Anne and I most nights...


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:

“S.x Frogs! Only $20 each! 

Money Back Guarantee! 

Comes with complete instructions.”

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,”I’ll take one.”

The man packages the frog and says, “Just follow the instructions.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower. 

2. Splash on some nice perfume. 

3. Slip into a very s.xy nightie. 

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow it’s training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! 

The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store.”

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, “I’ll be right over.” Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. 

The lady welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sit there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time….”


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday


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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> Throwback Thursday
> 
> View attachment 1184175


Lolz. I think I'll go pop one now!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

I was given orders by my doc to lay off Ibuprofin cuz it irritated the lining of my stomach. I do miss it. Wah. I was given Tramadol instead, which is great for going to sleep and waking up groggy, but forget about taking it during the day.


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## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

Tramadol tablet=Vertigo tablet


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## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

Tramadol is quite a step up from ibuprofen for pain relief and is no joke. From Wikipedia:

*Tramadol is an opioid pain medication* used to treat moderate to moderately severe pain&#8230; Common side effects include: constipation, itchiness and nausea. Serious side effects may include seizures, increased risk of serotonin syndrome, decreased alertness, and drug addiction&#8230;

Long-term use of high doses of tramadol will cause physical dependence and withdrawal syndrome. These include both symptoms typical of opioid withdrawal and those associated with SSRI withdrawal; symptoms include numbness, tingling, paresthesia, and tinnitus. Psychiatric symptoms may include hallucinations, paranoia, extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and confusion. In most cases, tramadol withdrawal will set in 12-20 hours after the last dose, but this can vary. Tramadol withdrawal typically lasts longer than that of other opioids. Seven days or more of acute withdrawal symptoms can occur as opposed to typically three or four days for other codeine analogues.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Might want to try acupuncture:


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

levity said:


> Tramadol is quite a step up from ibuprofen for pain relief and is no joke.


Wasn't meant to be a joke - for occasional use only.

And speaking of jokes, What gets 2 old ladies to say "Fcuk"?

Answer: When the old lady sitting between them yells "Bingo!"


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Gasp4Air said:


> I was given orders by my doc to lay off Ibuprofin cuz it irritated the lining of my stomach. I do miss it. Wah. I was given Tramadol instead, which is great for going to sleep and waking up groggy, but forget about taking it during the day.


I've been using Celebrex for years without trouble, though some clinicals have suggested that it can give you stomach grief. Maybe ask your doctor if that's an option? I'd avoid Opioids as much as possible, personally.


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## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

SteveF said:


> I've been using Celebrex for years without trouble, though some clinicals have suggested that it can give you stomach grief. Maybe ask your doctor if that's an option? I'd avoid Opioids as much as possible, personally.


Here in Colorado, they have pain solutions with names like Skywalker and Grape Ape.

No stomach problems.


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

honkinunit said:


> Here in Colorado, they have pain solutions with names like Skywalker and Grape Ape.
> 
> No stomach problems.


good med for leg cramps and back spasms


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Couple of my fave Larson dogs funnies


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

I could see me doing this...

_A vintage bicycle enthusiast was out for a walk when he met a fellow vintage bike enthusiast who was riding toward him on a wonderful old bicycle.

The first vintage enthusiast was stunned. 'Where did you get that fantastic machine?' he asked.

'You'll never believe it,' said the second enthusiast. 'I was walking home yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She threw the bike onto the ground, took all her clothes off, and said: 'Take what you want.'

The first vintage enthusiast nodded approvingly. 'Good choice &#8230;her clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'
_

.... and I have a friend who would be the other vintage enthusiast. 

(lifted from oldbike.eu)


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

I am a vintage bike enthusiast (vintage applying to me, not the bikes).


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Lone Rager said:


> I am a vintage bike enthusiast (vintage applying to me, not the bikes).


 Me too. I've been thinking of finding a bike as old as I am, but they weren't invented yet.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time,and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side. 

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. 

She still isn't talking to me.


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

Velobike said:


> The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
> 
> She still isn't talking to me.


You say that like it's a bad thing...


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## OlMarin (Oct 22, 2016)

One thing I've noticed is the larger seasonal fluctuation in weight as I've aged.
Now in early spring my jeans fit like a cheap hotel.
No ballroom


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## bachman1961 (Oct 9, 2013)

Dirtrider127 said:


> Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan


Good advice.

I think before my wife and I were married, a family canoe trip on a day of hot sun and t-storms involved lots of beer consumption and my families' concept of just out-to-have-fun. There were probably 10 of us out there on a 30 mile run of river in the northern part of the mitten / Michigan.

I was less interested in the direction of travel and my almost-wife was a bit more serious about the canoe being properly aimed. Me in back as helping steer just wasn't happening and we twirled this way and that way and probably even some complete circles. I tell people we were divorced before we got married.

Many years later, I started a new job and was on the afternoon shift, 3 -11. I didn't like it at all and as a sign of how strong our marrige is (I guess) ... I tell people if you have marital issues, one of you go to 2nd shift and you'll never even see each other at all. I'd get up and evyone is gone, kids to school, wife to work, etc.... Go to work before they get home and get home after everyone is in bed. Almost anyone could keep up a troubled marriage on those terms for 3 or 4 decades !!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

bachman1961 said:


> Good advice.
> 
> I think before my wife and I were married, a family canoe trip on a day of hot sun and t-storms involved lots of beer consumption and my families' concept of just out-to-have-fun. There were probably 10 of us out there on a 30 mile run of river in the northern part of the mitten / Michigan.
> 
> ...


In the old days, guys with a tough marriage didn't get divorced, they got jobs on the road. Salesmen, cobblers, tinkerers, what have you. The story in my familty is that my great grandfather was in that situation until he died in a spectacular train crash.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Maybe it's only my generation who'll get this one: 

In 1960 Bill goes to collect his new girlfriend Suzanne from her house. Suzanne’s father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bill where they're going and what they're going to do..

Bill says they’ll probably just go to a cafe and talk.

Suzanne’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Bill was shocked. “What?”

“Oh yes, Sue loves screwing. She’ll do it all night if we don't stop her.”

Suzanne comes downstairs and and they go off on their date, but shortly after Suzanne races back into the house with her blouse and bra undone, slams the door behind her, and yells at her father, 

“Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. 

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?
...............



The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ...I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Southern Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. 

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" 
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." 

The judge took a deep breath and asked, 
"Do you have a real grudge?" 
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it." 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." 

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" 
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 
"Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? 
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. 
The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lol!


----------



## telemike (Jun 20, 2011)

honkinunit said:


> Here in Colorado, they have pain solutions with names like Skywalker and Grape Ape.
> 
> No stomach problems.


No stomach problems - really?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannabinoid_hyperemesis_syndrome

However, some researchers are now thinking that the stomach problems come from an organic insecticide used on pot grows called "neem oil".

It has not been tested or evaluated for use on pot or other crops in the us. Grow, don't buy!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)

When your wife says she needs a new broom, 
It's best not to ask if she broke the last one In a crash landing.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Guest (Apr 10, 2018)

She must not be a California Cow.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Rodeo Dr. Cow


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1193113


I hate it when I see an old person then realize it's a mirror.


----------



## Guest (Apr 16, 2018)

chazpat said:


> I hate it when I see an old person then realize it's a mirror.


 Mirror isn't as bad as a computer video camera. Watch yourself in an online video (turn on the camera and look at the screen or worse yet, take a pic) and you'll really wonder what happened to your body from the waist up.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

This may have been posted before but the date is actually right this year.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Forster said:


> Mirror isn't as bad as a computer video camera. Watch yourself in an online video (turn on the camera and look at the screen or worse yet, take a pic) and you'll really wonder what happened to your body from the waist up.[/QUOTE
> 
> So true!!


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

How many months along would you say he is? At least 7, I'd say, and looks like twins!


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## roadkill401 (Mar 14, 2017)

Gasp4Air said:


> How many months along would you say he is? At least 7, I'd say, and looks like twins!


When I was young, I had a great 6 pack. But as I got older, it changed into more of a two-four, and now it's just the whole keg.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I was sucking air on a climb the other day and swallowed a fly. Thought I was going to die.


----------



## Crankyone (Dec 8, 2014)

*Joke- new yorker*


----------



## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

Really?!? DFW reference! You prolly get about 3% reaction.


----------



## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

ddoh said:


> Really?!? DFW reference! You prolly get about 3% reaction.


If that-how many folks from Dallas/Fort Worth are on here anyway?


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I need a bigger pond


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## Guest (May 1, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> Forster said:
> 
> 
> > Mirror isn't as bad as a computer video camera. Watch yourself in an online video (turn on the camera and look at the screen or worse yet, take a pic) and you'll really wonder what happened to your body from the waist up.[/QUOTE
> ...


----------



## JackWare (Aug 8, 2016)

Not sure if these really count but they were sent to me by a friend who is in his 70s


I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind ‘a cute, you gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah I got a pen".

I said "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches.....but When you’re seventy.... who cares?




**********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip but.......When you’re seventy….. who cares?




**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said "Yesterday."

Cost me a knee in the nuts but....... When you’re seventy….. who cares?




***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Great legs!"

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches but..... When you’re seventy……… who cares?


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Veggies can be so sexy 









Mrs Carrot got run over by a lawnmower. 
Dr tells Mr Carrot: "I have good news and bad news." 
Mr Carrot: "What's the good news?" 
Dr.: "Your wife will make it." 
Mr Carrot: "What is the bad news?"
Dr.: "She's gonna' be a vegetable the rest of her life!"


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## CaptDan (Jun 26, 2013)

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?" 

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. 

All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly. 

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" 

"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned
around, faced the congregation, and said simply; "I outlived all them a$$holes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I like his style


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

This is no joke. Anyone that thinks it's tough being +50 try living to 128!



> Earth's Supposed Oldest Living Person Has Hated Every Day of Her Life


In sum: Koku Istambulova says she's 128 years old and considers her longevity a punishment from God.



> According to the Russian government, a Chechen woman named Koku Istambulova is 128 years old, which would make her not just the oldest person on earth (the current title holder being Chiyo Miyako, at 117 years old), but older than anyone on record in recent history. Her age is impossible to verify because her documents were lost in the Second Chechen War, but her internal passport reports her birth date as June 1, 1889. And to hear her tell it, she's hated just about every minute since.
> 
> "I have not had a single happy day in my life. I have always worked hard, digging in the garden. I am tired," Istambulova told the Daily Mail. When asked about her secrets for longevity, she said, "It was God's will. I did nothing to make it happen.... Long life is not at all God's gift for me-but a punishment."
> 
> ...











sauce https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/...s-hated-every-day-of-her-life?utm_source=dmfb


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## Guest (May 19, 2018)

I'm not sure I want to live anywhere near that long. Frankly, I'd be good with living as many health days as possible and no more. I think if I saw a grandchild graduate from high school I'd feel like I'd covered the bases. I remember my grandmother at 98 she could still read and taste food and seemed light hearted but by 99 she was pretty disheartened, died shortly thereafter.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Wow! My buddy's grand ma is going to be 105 this year!

I would also hate to live that long!

People this age are allowed to complain about anything! 

Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 

'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 

'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week ,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lol!


Tribble Me said:


> Husbands are husbands
> 
> A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
> 
> ...


Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Yep..









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Geez he was so cute....


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## Guest (May 26, 2018)

"Why can't I have a warmer like that..."


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Just some random thoughts: 

My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

I ate a salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours
and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live much longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through ugly shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 55. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Important note for Daylight Savings Time. Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


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## Guest (May 31, 2018)

At the bike shop last night buying a new helmet and talking to the sales person about a $7K bike (that I wouldn't buy on a bet) when a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability." I was gonna laugh at him but said "Hmmm, seems like if you were fast enough to need a $10K bike some team would be buying it for you."


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I would have invited him for a ride, offered him the use of my bike, then trashed his trash talking arse 



Forster said:


> At the bike shop last night buying a new helmet and talking to the sales person about a $7K bike (that I wouldn't buy on a bet) when a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability." I was gonna laugh at him but said "Hmmm, seems like if you were fast enough to need a $10K bike some team would be buying it for you."


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## Guest (May 31, 2018)

Nurse Ben said:


> I would have invited him for a ride, offered him the use of my bike, then trashed his trash talking arse


 Not a bad plan. I don't own any mega expensive bikes but they've all been paid for by off-setting vehicle miles on commutes. I guess if you want something bad enough you can work hard, save your money and get it someday. If you want to smart-off in a bike shop, there probably isn't a sustainable living connected to that line of work.


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## CaptDan (Jun 26, 2013)

*Glass half-full*



Forster said:


> ...a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability."...


This is basically true. When you are young, you have vitality & free time on your side, but little money. As a person establishes a career, family, & responsibilities, they gain money, but usually at the expense of lost vitality and less free time.
But to say "it's not fair" is a classic victim-mentality statement. Young people have attributes (health & time) that many of us 'mature' types would kill for. If young people leveraged what they already have, we would be cheering them on, instead of listening to their whining.


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## Guest (Jun 1, 2018)

Funny, because my son (18) seems to think the victim mentality is something his generation invented. I've since explained that it's as old as time. I remember being there myself at one point. I'd broke three vertebrae at age 19 and felt pretty sorry for myself until I had a 12-year-old roommate in the Hospital who'd just lost his leg at the knee to bone cancer. He didn't feel the least bit a victim. Started me really thinking about what I had rather than what I didn't have. Took about two years of scrounging to buy my first road bike after that because I wanted to get back in shape and couldn't return to serious running. That was 37 years ago. Haven't stopped riding since.


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Everyone that didn't say any stupid **** when they were 20 raise your hands. Liars.


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## Guest (Jun 1, 2018)

SteveF said:


> Everyone that didn't say any stupid **** when they were 20 raise your hands. Liars.


 Hands down. I could also add 30s and 40s to that and will likely say that about my 50s when I reach my 60s.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A husband takes his wife to play golf for her first time. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'


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## splitendz (Nov 13, 2015)

Lol..Good one Tribble !


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1202272


Ms cyclelicious, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind your post, I must protest your posting on the 50+ forum. You clearly need to wait another 20 years, at least.


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## Guest (Jun 5, 2018)

DeadGrandpa said:


> Ms cyclelicious, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind your post, I must protest your posting on the 50+ forum. You clearly need to wait another 20 years, at least.


 Now if there were two 50-year-old getting Cat 6'd by a twenty-something it might apply. Just kidding, we all know we'd chase them down.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”

The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A Touching Golf Story

Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. 

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?' 

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony, Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Another golf chestnut:

Q: Why does holding a 1-iron over your head in a lightning storm protect you?



A: Because not even God can hit a 1-iron.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

The Art Collector's Wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

At a linguistic conference, held in London, England a challenge was given:

Some say there is no difference between *Complete* and *Finished*. 
Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

The overwhelming favorite response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are *Complete*. If you marry the wrong woman, you are *Finished*. And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are *Completely Finished*.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

THE MEMORIAL STONE 

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for his elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.

"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce... "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." 

Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Not a joke, but very funny...

https://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Velobike said:


> Not a joke, but very funny...
> 
> https://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/


That's a classic! Need to share with my wife who is due for a colonoscopy, then again better wait till she's done.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## kilo19 (May 23, 2018)

You know your 50+ when the noises you made during sex, is the noises you make getting out of bed.


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2018)

kilo19 said:


> You know your 50+ when the noises you made during sex, is the noises you make getting out of bed.


 So...Farting?


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1209007


That is so funny! Reminds me of my childhood. What not to feed the dog.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

The ancient car belonging to the convent a few miles from a medieval town had just given up the ghost, and they couldn't afford another one.

"God will provide" said the Mother Superior.

But he didn't, or at least not in the way they expected.

Eventually they got desperate for groceries and personal requisites, but it was too far to walk.

The Mother Superior had a brainwave. Manuel, their ancient handyman had a tandem, perhaps he would take a nun into town to make the necessary purchases?

Soon, this became a regular thing, in fact suspiciously regular. Nuns were finding any excuse to go into town with Manuel for just one item.

It all came to a head when the Mother Superior heard two of the sisters having a ding dong argument about whose turn it was to go in to town with Manuel.

Her suspicions were aroused. Surely not Manuel? No, too old, smelly, and unlikely. Maybe it was where they were going?

She decided she would get to the bottom of this and announced she was going in to town with Manuel.

"Where do you want to go?"

"The same places you take the other sisters"

So off they went. At the the top of a hill Manuel turned the bike into a narrow alleyway.

"Where are we going?"

"This is the old road into town, it's a bit rough but it's shortcut"

Soon they were speeding down the old road, the bike juddering and vibrating on the rough surface.

Mother Superior "I've never come this way before"

Manuel "That's what the other nuns said too. I think it's the cobbles".


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

A man went to his doctor and received some shocking news. "You have 24 hours to live, no less, no more. I suggest you see to your affairs spend you last hours your family."

The man went home and told his wife the news. They hugged and wept and the man said, "Darling, I want to make the most of the time I have left with you. Let's get dressed up and paint the town red. Dinner, wine, a show, come home, drink more wine and make wild love until the wee hours like when we were young."

She replied, "Well, that's easy for you to say, but _I_ have get up in the morning".


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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

Gasp4Air said:


> A man went to his doctor and received some shocking news. "You have 24 hours to live, no less, no more. I suggest you see to your affairs spend you last hours your family."
> 
> The man went home and told his wife the news. They hugged and wept and the man said, "Darling, I want to make the most of the time I have left with you. Let's get dressed up and paint the town red. Dinner, wine, a show, come home, drink more wine and make wild love until the wee hours like when we were young."
> 
> She replied, "Well, that's easy for you to say, but _I_ have get up in the morning".


Lolz. Great punchline!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Guest (Jul 24, 2018)

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous

A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please 

This time her anger takes over; she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Guest (Jul 27, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1209778


 She married a guy who can't count or use Google. There are only 32 volumes.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I remember when...

ATTACH=CONFIG]1210195[/ATTACH]


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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Haha! When I was about 20 I had a phone with a really long wire so I could use it anywhere in the house. I always returned calls left on the answering machine while in the bathroom. It used to freak my friends out. Now, everyone does it. 
I was a pioneer.


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## Iowagriz (Jan 14, 2008)

How do you know that your girlfriend is gaining weight?










She fits into your wife's clothes.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

NYrr496 said:


> Haha! When I was about 20 I had a phone with a really long wire so I could use it anywhere in the house.


Ha ha, I was the same. I moved into my own place when I was twenty-one and the phone cable could reach not just all over the house but to the back of the garden! Apparently the old dear who was in the house before me was paranoid and carried the phone around with her. Old dial phone, they really don't make them like that any more.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Thought this was a good spot for this.










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## Picard (Apr 5, 2005)

jcd46 said:


> Thought this was a good spot for this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sold!

Sent from my SM-G965W using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

To whom it may concern, i would like to make a formal complaint
i read your jokes in the train and you make me look like an idiot
i cannot stop laughing
keep them coming


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## Guest (Aug 15, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1211990


 Reminds me of my doctor asking about Alcohol use. I always answer "Well, I drink more than you think I should but less than I'd like to. I'd say I'm an averaging drinker."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

love the pearls


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Idiot sightings:

A co-worker went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. 
(I'm not sure who the idiot is here; the counter worker or the person going to Taco Bell)

I was at the airport checking in when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


The stoplight on the corner buzzed while I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other.


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## PlantFetich (Aug 19, 2018)

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works. 

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy bikinis.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to Target. 

You agree and they both get in the back seat, on the way there, they take off the bikinis.

Then, when you pull over to look, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on August 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older guys you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Walmart has cheap wallets on sale for $3.99 each but other wallets are $3.75, they look better and come in packs of twelve!

(sorry if this has already been posted)


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

PlantFetich said:


> Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
> 
> Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
> 
> ...


U r lucky, a plant lover like you can eat tons of vegies 
than you can become their food


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

His honey-do list just got significantly shorter.


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> His honey-do list just got significantly shorter.
> 
> View attachment 1212989


 When we sold my father-in-law's home we had to do that to all the doors. My wife was freaking out because she couldn't figure out how I was going to get all the cuts done cleanly. A little help from clamps, a drywall t-square, a belt sander and some poly and we were all good. I should have done this, but by that point I'd already painted the house inside and out and remodeled both bathrooms. I guess if you're going to mess up, you gotta start early.


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## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

PlantFetich said:


> Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
> 
> Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
> 
> ...


Everybody is talking about sexual harassment. I'm still waiting that it will happen to #metoo.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Haha^^


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## Guest (Aug 23, 2018)

^^That's me all the time anyway.^^


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Photos that really need no caption but are begging for one:


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## Guest (Aug 23, 2018)

^That will cause hemorrhoids you can't fix surgically."


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

My Favorite Animal

My teacher asked what my favorite animal is and I said “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she must have been wrong because everyone else laughed. 

My parents told me to always tell the true and I did. My dad said she was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. I love chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. 

I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why and I told her it was because you can make them into fried chicken. 

She sent me back to the principal’s office. 

He laughed and told me not to do it again. 

I don’t understand, my parents tell me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. 

Today, my teacher asked me what famous military person I admired most. 

I said “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where the hell I am now…


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## Guest (Aug 23, 2018)

^We never had that problem with our school although my son was sent to the principal's office for asking for an apple in the lunch line. (He doesn't like fruit in syrup.) I was pretty dumbfounded when the principal explained why I had to leave work. I took my son to lunch and while we were out I had an attorney contact the superintendent of schools. We never had that issue again and the principal didn't return from Christmas break.^


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## 786737 (Mar 13, 2015)

Sorry if this is already in here, I did some searching and didn't see it. Usually told as a golfing joke.

[HR][/HR]
Two friends were gearing up for a morning MTB ride at their favorite trail. As they were about to ride off, a long funeral procession appeared on the road next to the trail head parking lot. One rider swung his leg off his bike, took off his helmet, closed his eyes, and bowed in prayer.

After the procession had passed, his friend said: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The first man replied: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Guest (Aug 24, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1213425


 photo/fly-fishing vests, only appropriate when accompanied by a fly rod or camera (if you're a journalist). Never okay in a restaurant or at a wedding (seriously, you see that crap in the midwest).


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Wacha Wacha Wacha (Sep 27, 2017)

Mr Pig said:


> Get ready dude, a world of weirdness comin' at'cha! Trump is going to win, he is going to be a terrible president but it will not be boring.


Hahaha.

Nice call, Pig.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Wacha Wacha Wacha said:


> Nice call, Pig.


Have to be honest, while I don't like the man I must admit I like a lot of the things he's doing and he's far from the worst president you've ever had.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Now, now, this is no place for politics, no matter how funny the politics.



Mr Pig said:


> Have to be honest, while I don't like the man I must admit I like a lot of the things he's doing and he's far from the worst president you've ever had.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Nurse Ben said:


> Now, now, this is no place for politics, no matter how funny the politics.


OK boss.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Mr Pig said:


> OK boss.


Can't we all just hate each other?


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Gasp4Air said:


> Can't we all just hate each other?


I thought we said this is no place for politics.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Deleted. This is supposed to be a joke thread after all.


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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1213976


Lol.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Haha!! I always wonder about that when I see those guys. ^^^


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I tell my patients (teens) that anything they think is cool now (tats, piercings, gauges), they should try to imagine on their parents or grandparents cuz that's what they'll look like someday.

I am proud to say that I do not have a single tat on my body 



NYrr496 said:


> Haha!! I always wonder about that when I see those guys. ^^^[/QUO


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

True









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## mileslong (Aug 20, 2016)

2old said:


> True
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What makes you think that is funny? Kapernieck is guaranteed the right to peaceful protest by the Constitution, the same way that you are guaranteed the right to express your insipid opinion of his behavior.

CK has more courage for publicly standing up for what he believes in than any of the ignorant haters that simply choose to ignore that the prevalence of racism in this country is a cancer.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

mileslong said:


> CK has more courage for publicly standing up for what he believes in than any of the ignorant haters that simply choose to ignore that the prevalence of racism in this country is a cancer.


In what way is denigrating your national anthem advancing the cause of racism? Are you trying to say that the whole of America is racist? That's a foolish and insulting position.

Individuals are racist, and thankfully not too many of them these days, but the whole country? Don't be stupid.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Mr Pig said:


> In what way is denigrating your national anthem advancing the cause of racism? Are you trying to say that the whole of America is racist? That's a foolish and insulting position.
> 
> Individuals are racist, and thankfully not too many of them these days, but the whole country? Don't be stupid.


I see this thread getting canned soon if this discussion continues, and I'd hate to see that happen. I will withhold my own opinion on this matter, and urge others to leave it be as well, at least in this this thread. Start a new thread to further the discussion.

PS - I also urge folks to keep postings in this thread non-political and non-controversial - it's supposed to be about jokes, not rancor and ax grinding.


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2018)

mileslong said:


> What makes you think that is funny? Kapernieck is guaranteed the right to peaceful protest by the Constitution, the same way that you are guaranteed the right to express your insipid opinion of his behavior.


 You posted your opinion about 2olds post, he posted something he finds funny, all part of the same First Ammendment Right. He apparently doesn't support Kapernieck and you don't support him. Sounds pretty even at this point. Personally, I think Kapernieck can do whatever he wants (within the law regarding free speech) and people can support him or boycott Nike and/or the NFL as they choose. That's the deal with free speech, you can have differing opinions and you're still covered. At least that's how it worked for my 33 years of military service.


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

,,,,, it's supposed to be about jokes, ,,,,,,,
please express opinions elsewhere

a bit of respect for the OP who started a great thread.
i go biking by train(no car)
and i read here on the train
Thanks all !!!


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Mr Pig said:


> In what way is denigrating your national anthem advancing the cause of racism? Are you trying to say that the whole of America is racist? That's a foolish and insulting position.
> 
> Individuals are racist, and thankfully not too many of them these days, but the whole country? Don't be stupid.


He has a platform and he is trying to draw attention to an issue he is passionate about in a respectful, understated way. There's a pretty decent definition of what freedom of speech should mean in America in there somewhere. And racism can come from an individual, yes, but it can also come from an organization (which is made up of individuals), it can be inherent in a system, a law, a policy or an organization.


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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

I was at the hospital last week and ran into one of my dads old friends. Must have been close to 80. He was all dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet and a wheelchair by his bed. I talked to him a bit and he mentioned he was waiting for the nurse and was going to leave. I asked him if I could help him into the wheelchair and bring him downstairs (I am a physician). He said sure but I should make it fast. I brought him downstairs and on the way I asked him how he was getting home. He said that he was driving. I said he should not drive alone and responded by saying he was not alone, his wife was with him. Not seeing his wife, I asked him if his wife was meeting him downstairs. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown and that he was not sure how she would make it downstairs without the wheelchair!"

ps. I neg repped people not making jokes in this thread.


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

,,,ps. I neg repped people not making jokes in this thread.

so will i. Thanks for the joke and the idea


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Fair enough-I assume you'll also neg-rep the individual that posted what he HAD to know would be a controversial image? Fair's fair.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Some of us.....









Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Le Duke (Mar 23, 2009)

2old said:


> Some of us.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


They make my work boots.

Going to get another pair next week.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Poof!

Now you’ve gone and done it


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## Guest (Sep 10, 2018)

Nurse Ben said:


> Poof!
> 
> Now you've gone and done it


 Could have been a dead man, that's worse most days.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

The golden years :thumbsup: I would rather burn out than rust


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## Guest (Sep 11, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> The golden years :thumbsup: I would rather burn out than rust
> 
> View attachment 1215945


 I might get neg repped again for not posting a joke but here's my take. We had a cyclist killed a year ago while training for gravel racing. The guy that killed him was drunk and is still pending trial and could face 20 years. I read a post from one of his friends discussing the senselessness of that death and the danger we face when riding on the road. My take (and point related to your cartoon) is that can either accept some risk while riding or the certainty of poor health and early death by not exercising and eating properly. Personally, I would prefer to pass doing something I love than by letting my health deteriorate from inactivity. Plus, statistically I've already had my major car v. car crash and car v. bike accident, so there's that.


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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1215760


So my father in law is an 88 year old horn dog. His wife died almost 15 years ago and about 10 years ago, got back in the game. He is always looking to get another women. He can drive and he can dance, two things that he finds older women like in a man. But he has a bad habit of of grabbing their butts when he dances. Some of them get angry and I have told him he should not do that - that it is basically sexual harassment. About 2 weeks ago, my son took him to the senior center for a dance (to keep him in check) and he saw my father get slapped once and pushed away 3 times. The last person my father danced with let him grab their butt and dance really close. My father was all excited and came back to my son and said that the person he was dancing with was not pretty but seemed willing to go further. My son then explained that the person he was dancing with was actually an older man. My father in law was rather disappointed.

Not a traditional joke but funny none the less (to me at least!).


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Be like the bozo....









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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

2old said:


> Be like the bozo....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Neg rep. Not an old people joke.

To help you out, it goes something like this:

Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Vespasianus said:


> Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.


Heh, reminds me of the conversation Anne and I had the other night. She's spending an increasing and frustrating amount of time helping/dealing with her increasingly decrepit 94 year old mother. We're childless and she lamented to me that there would be no-one to take care of her. I said, oh, I'll be around. I can tuck you in, you know-comforter up to your chin...pillow over your face." Cracked her up.



2old said:


> Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....


You earned it.


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## Guest (Sep 13, 2018)

SteveF said:


> You earned it.


 Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

Forster said:


> Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.


It is not that complicated. Old people jokes (50 + Joke thread). That is it. Make a joke about being old.

For example,

There are four stages to old age. You forget names. You forget faces. You forget to zip up. You forget to zip down.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Forster said:


> Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.


As I don't see a joke here, especially not one about old people, I think you are due neg-rep for this post. Perhaps the self-appointed judiciary could deal with that? Then neg-rep me for this one? Then neg-rep themselves for being dicks?


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## Guest (Sep 13, 2018)

Mr Pig said:


> As I don't see a joke here, especially not one about old people, I think you are due neg-rep for this post. Perhaps the self-appointed judiciary could deal with that? Then neg-rep me for this one? Then neg-rep themselves for being dicks?


 Sure, why not. I was neg rep'd for suggesting that people have a right to think something is funny even when someone else does not. I served 33 years in the military (26 active duty), pretty sure I've earned the right to defend the first amendment for people with viewpoints different than my own, or Steve's or Vespa's, and the rules of the forum don't prohibit jokes not consistant with the OPs thread title. I've asked the moderators to kill the entire thread as it's in a death spiral anyway.


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Vespasianus said:


> Neg rep. Not an old people joke.
> 
> To help you out, it goes something like this:
> 
> Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.





2old said:


> Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk





Forster said:


> Sure, why not. I was neg rep'd for suggesting that people have a right to think something is funny even when someone else does not. I served 33 years in the military (26 active duty), pretty sure I've earned the right to defend the first amendment for people with viewpoints different than my own, or Steve's or Vespa's, and the rules of the forum don't prohibit jokes not consistant with the OPs thread title. I've asked the moderators to kill the entire thread as it's in a death spiral anyway.


Hey all I did was respond to a point Mr Pig made-I didn't reference the first or 2nd joke directly and I didn't neg rep anyone. (not 2old or even the person that neg rep'd me) It's a 50+ joke thread, which seems to be interpreted to mean jokes about being old, right? There's several threads in Off Camber where non-age related stuff can be put. And responses can be made without such a big fuss.

Also, "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why." lol.


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Also:


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## Guest (Sep 13, 2018)

SteveF said:


> Hey all I did was respond to a point Mr Pig made-I didn't reference the first or 2nd joke directly and I didn't neg rep anyone. (not 2old or even the person that neg rep'd me) It's a 50+ joke thread, which seems to be interpreted to mean jokes about being old, right? There's several threads in Off Camber where non-age related stuff can be put. And responses can be made without such a big fuss.
> 
> Also, "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why." lol.


 Most (if not all) threads jump off topic. I have never seen someone neg rep'd for mentiioning meat in the vegan thread, non-Fargo bikes in the Fargo thread or fire extinguishers in any thread. To me, this appears to be less about the thread topic and more about the Kaepernick issue. I get it, there are two viewpoints that compete and people are passionate about it. I don't neg rep because someone is on the other side of an issue from me or because someone tries to moderate a discussion that is heading toward the crapper, but if that's your thing I'll find some place else to spend my time. Rant over, neg rep at will. FC has my request to terminate my account so it doesn't matter to me either way.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Forster said:


> I don't neg rep because someone is on the other side of an issue from me...


You're probably not a liberal?


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Forster said:


> Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.


The "rule", enforced by the mods when they think thread is getting nasty, is to close the thread. Politics, guns - any controversial matter - tend to get nasty.

Kaepernick is controversial. People have strong feelings about him and his protests. So in effort to keep this thread open, let's stay away from posts that are overtly political or controversial. No rancor, no axe grinding. It's supposed to be about jokes and humor. Let's keep it light.


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## J.B. Weld (Aug 13, 2012)

^way to take it to the next level Mr. Pig! Heard any good derogatory jokes lately?


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

J.B. Weld said:


> Mr. Pig! Heard any good derogatory jokes lately?


Well, we could say what we like about blind people?


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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

Mr Pig said:


> Well, we could say what we like about blind people?


If they are over 50, bring it.

From Joan Rivers:

Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window. He took a took a look and pulled down the shade.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

To get this back on track here are some vintage jokes culled from the back of my then teenage son's homework book around 1990. 

What's the Australian version of foreplay?
You awake, dear?

Kiwi foreplay - Here ewe, ewe, ewe

What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
Three more bullets. (Two now)

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Why was booze invented?
So ugly people could get laid.

What's the difference between broccoli and snot?
Kids won't eat broccoli.

What do you call an Spaniard without a car?
Carlost.

What's black & crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.

What's the definition of revolting?
Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a string between your teeth.

What do you call 3 lepers in a spa pool?
Soup.

How do you paralyse a woman from the waist down?
Marry her!

What does a woman do with her arsehole in the morning?
A: Packs his lunch and sends him to work.

Those are bad enough, there's others I'm not putting in here.


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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

Mr Pig said:


> You're probably not a liberal?


You want to knock it off!? There's plenty of judgemental people on both ends of the political spectrum.


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## J.B. Weld (Aug 13, 2012)

Velobike said:


> Those are bad enough.


I agree, the third one's particularly horrid. Dang.


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## milliesand (Jun 29, 2015)

Mr Pig said:


> Well, we could say what we like about blind people?


Since I'm blind in one eye, can I give you 1/2 rep?


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

As old as time....









Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Looks folks, this whole things is a serious downer.

The Joke thread is one of my favorites on MTBR. What I like most about this thread is that over the years it has been mostly void of politics, personality conflicts, and garbage; the rest of MTBR is not so good at filtering that stuff out.

So how about this: STOP IT!

Seriously, no more posting this stuff, no more neg reps, avoid escalating this stuff and allow the Joke thread to be a joke thread.

Thank you.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

They may be bad, but bad can be good.

I am an avid player of Cards Against Humanity.

Bring it!



Velobike said:


> ... Those are bad enough, there's others I'm not putting in here.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^Thank you! 

@Forster, I hope you stick around! Ignore the BS


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Pretty sad that a thread about jokes goes off the deep end with angry defensive posting. Get back on track soldiers and give me twenty.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

This thread is fighting for it's life. If you can't be "funny" without grinding your political axe, just keep it to yourself.

Not talking about you DJ


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## sfgiantsfan (Dec 20, 2010)

Mr Pig said:


> You're probably not a liberal?


Of course he's not, a liberal would laugh it off. A conservative will say whatever he wants and when he gets called out, complain, blame everyone else then cry to FC.


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Maybe some of you missed this: http://forums.mtbr.com/general-discussion/announcement-mtbr-has-new-owner-1081339.html


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Maybe some of you missed this: http://forums.mtbr.com/general-discussion/announcement-mtbr-has-new-owner-1081339.html


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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

My son asked his grandfather about the best thing about being a grandfather. He said the early bird dinner specials with grandma. So he then asked him what the worst thing about being grandfather and he said it was being forced to have sex with grandma after dinner.


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## tfinator (Apr 30, 2009)

2old said:


> As old as time....[
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


So dumb. You could literally replace Democrats with any other word and the joke is exactly to the same.

How many 2olds does it take to fix a problem?
Nobody knows blah blah blah

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




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## Vespasianus (Apr 9, 2008)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> View attachment 1216341


Holy crap. That is funny and scary at the same time. I love the fact that the old guy has two different colors of shoes on!

Reminds me of this:


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Probably because of gout or some other malady, he can't wear a shoe on that foot, thus the slipper and cane. A realistic touch.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Gasp4Air said:


> A realistic touch.


Altogether too realistic if you ask me :0(


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Mr Pig said:


> Altogether too realistic if you ask me :0(


Yeah, like they say, getting old ain't for sissies.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Haha^^


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Sure this has been posted, but....









Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Lmao!^^


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following: 

In your 20s: 
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: 
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.

Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore 
because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'. 

In your 60s: 
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: 

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

My mouth hurts from grinning, that ^ is some true stuff, skip the cologne, but check on the shirt, shorts, and shoes.

I rarely change when I go to the home, just brush off the big chunks.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> ...In your 60s:
> Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
> 
> The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
> ...


This is the advantage of being a kilt wearing Highland Scot.

Anything hanging out is assumed to be a hairy sporran. (But more than 2 tassels is boasting  )


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ LOL @Tribble Me









I actually did find and buy a pair of shoes... and Rocket approved!


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

Although Rocket is bit like: " that human that feeds me has that bloody flashy thing again" *rolls eyes* "crazy humans, that's why we ignore them"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

"Are – my – test – results - back....!"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Time to get up









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Marital Excitement


Back and forth, in and out, in and out. A little to the right, a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards then backwards, again and again.

Her heart was pounding now, her face was flushed. She moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream:






"Okay you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

...









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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^lol, and cool message!


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## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Tribble Me said:


> Marital Excitement
> 
> Back and forth, in and out, in and out. A little to the right, a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end.
> 
> ...


This is... pure parkism.
I like it


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

^^^ Intentional re-post or did you have a senior moment and forget your post #697 in this thread?


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## Skooks (Dec 24, 2008)

Thanks for that! My favorite rock band of all time!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ Oops Here's another. Thanks for the reminder


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Twenty seconds, but who's counting 



cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1218476


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## jabrabu (Aug 2, 2010)

Pretty funny.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Lol









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ThatGuyontheTrail (Sep 22, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1218796


 Cats - Always getting into where they shouldn't.


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## jabrabu (Aug 2, 2010)

Lol


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A British man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The British man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of British and Italian brotherhood ... Silence passed between the two men.

The British man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

How fights start! 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....



My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.......


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other 
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! 
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... 


SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, riding a bike. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. 

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

BUT HERE'S MY FAVORITE

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

It took me years and years to realise this...


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Velobike said:


> It took me years and years to realise this...]


Reminds me of the old line -

If a man is alone in the woods where no woman can hear him, and he speaks, is he still wrong?


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## Eric Malcolm (Dec 18, 2011)

Gasp4Air said:


> Reminds me of the old line -
> 
> If a man is alone in the woods where no woman can hear him, and he speaks, is he still wrong?


Yes

She is pre-disposed to still know you are wrong.

Eric


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

No need to hurry


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

My spirit animal!


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## ThatGuyontheTrail (Sep 22, 2018)

I was in a large sporting goods store last night when an older couple were walking through the firearms department looking at the various animal heads hanging on the walls. They were having a conversation about them and she says "Well I think they're fascinating too, but just think how beautiful they would be if they were alive." and he replied "True, but they'd smell worse." It's all perspective.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> My spirit animal!
> 
> View attachment 1219999


That's definitely me!


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## Whiptastic (Mar 14, 2016)

I’m not getting old, I’m just cocooning before I’m reborn with wings.


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## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)

Whiptastic said:


> I'm not getting old, I'm just cocooning before I'm reborn with wings.


Nice one


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## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

seriously


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I will take Aches and Pains for $600 Alex


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## ThatGuyontheTrail (Sep 22, 2018)

Isn't the early-bird special (listed in Jeopardy) just code talk for two cups of coffee, a couple ibuprofen and a BM?


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## ThatGuyontheTrail (Sep 22, 2018)

755872 said:


> You know you're over 50 when the Cialis commercial quits annoying you because it's a good reminder to refill you Cialis prescription.


Off the subject, how did you get the name "Guest?"


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## ThatGuyontheTrail (Sep 22, 2018)

Velobike said:


>


 Funny, I over-heard one of those comments at a sporting goods store last night. Her "I never said that was the last pair of shoes I would ever need, I said I'd never have more shoes than would fit in our closet. Besides, what about you saying that you'd never buy more guns that would fit in your safe?" Him "That's why we're here buying another safe."


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Velobike said:


>


Are you talking about me?

Seriously, I'm keeping this bike, there's no way I'll ever sell it, it's the best bike I've ever ridden. Wait, there's a new bike coming out ...


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

Osco said:


> View attachment 1220569


I've seen some profound wisdom here today, and this is the cherry on top.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

^^ LOL


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

And he was right, I now keep falling down in the shower.


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## ThatGuyontheTrail (Sep 22, 2018)

Velobike said:


> View attachment 1222637
> 
> 
> And he was right, I now keep falling down in the shower.


 Please don't post anything about how your doctor thinks you need a stool in your shower.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Hey! I resemble that remark 



cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1222365


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Why did the dyslexic never have any luck with the girls?

He kept sending them pictures of his pens.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

The last 3 :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nice!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1224554


I lol'd


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

R.I.P. Stan Lee


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Not really a Joke but still pretty funny









https://gizmodo.com/raccoons-suspected-of-having-rabies-were-actually-just-1830455989


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Osco (Apr 4, 2013)




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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Aglo (Dec 16, 2014)

^My GF is not pleased by me laughing at 5am .


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> View attachment 1225022


When you factor in some piercings


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> When you factor in some piercings
> 
> View attachment 1225144


Nope


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## PL Scott (May 29, 2014)

I really wish this thread was a sticky. It is my favorite, and cyclecious is my idol!

The MRI one is classic. I'm a certified radiologic technologist now for 30 years, and the things I've seen are truly amazing.

Love it!!!!


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

...


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

May have already been posted, but it's that time of year.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

That’s awesome. ^^


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

..


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Seriously, though I did a spectacular job of making a mess, I have a whole bunch of new ideas I've picked up over time... would just love to try them out 



jcd46 said:


> ..


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

There will be no “do overs” on my watch.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Why did the dyslexic never have any luck with girls on the internet?

He kept sending them pictures of his pens...


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Oh Oh another wife on trial for murder...


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Can I just ask everyone for a big favour? 

If you are planning to put Christmas lights/decorations in your gardens, can you please avoid anything that is blue and flashing? 

Every time I drive by, I have a panic attack. I think it's the police.

So I have to take my foot off the throttle, toss my whisky bottle, chuck my joint out the window, fasten my seat belt, drop my phone on the floor, turn the music down, and hide my gun under the seat. 

It's too much for me to do in such a short notice - thank you all for cooperating and taking my feelings into consideration.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

?









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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Never give up... 



(Pic by Colin Kirsch "The sixth age...")


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## screamingbunny (Mar 24, 2004)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do you even lift, bro?



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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

...


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I knew it!



jcd46 said:


> ...


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Popped up to the attic to get the Christmas lights and found a present we forgot to give the kids last year.

They would have loved that kitten.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Brush off the dust, add some stuffing, tell em it's one of those authentic stuff animals... which it is :0



Velobike said:


> Popped up to the attic to get the Christmas lights and found a present we forgot to give the kids last year.
> 
> They would have loved that kitten.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

The dyslexic devil worshipper was bitterly disappointed when after sacrificing 2 goats, 3 turkeys, and doing a sexy naked dance, he finally managed to summon Santa.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And; so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

^ I thought Santa was going to end up in some dyslexic devil worshipper's house.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I can't +rep you but that one is great!


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*Gifts to think about before giving.....*









I think we should get the kids a trampoline, what do you think?


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*Modern Day Manger scene*


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Donation 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 
'It is!' 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 
'I can!' 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 
'I do!' 

'Is he a member of your congregation?' 
'He is!' 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 
'He will.' 



Confession 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!' 



Brothel Trip 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 



Senility 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. 
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Seen this one before, but worth repeating.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I was yawning at 10:30


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am sending 2 beers to 2old. That is a deal for all the laughs, thanks :thumbsup:


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

33red said:


> I am sending 2 beers to 2old. That is a deal for all the laughs, thanks


Make that a 4 pack.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

jcd46 said:


> Make that a 4 pack.


Oh yeah, congrats btw, JCD!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

What a modern CONFUCIUS would say:


Man who wants pretty nurse 
must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, 
leads to undoing of fly.


Lady who goes camping must be 
aware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up woman's leg 
will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff jumps 
to conclusion.


Man who runs in front of car gets 
tired. Man who runs behind car 
gets exhausted.


Man who eats many prunes get 
good run for money.


War does not determine who is right 
It determines who is left.


Man who fight with wife all day get 
no peace at night.


It takes many nails to build a crib 
but only one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is 
bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet 
is high on pot.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*How did they get there????*


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

chazpat said:


> Oh yeah, congrats btw, JCD!


Thanks Chaz!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A Touching Golf Story

Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole
for what seemed an eternity. 

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again,
but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked,
'What the hell is taking so long?' 

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,
Jim explained.
'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in
hell of hitting her from here'.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

jcd46 said:


> Thanks Chaz!


Hey, why don't you drop by for dinner tomorrow night?


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

chazpat said:


> Hey, why don't you drop by for dinner tomorrow night?


Sure, can I bring Yanet* and the dogs?

Yes, that's how they spelled Janet.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

jcd46 said:


> Sure, can I bring Yanet* and the dogs?
> 
> Yes, that's how they spelled Janet.


Dogs yes, Yanet, no; that would spoil the preview!


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^lol


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## Phillbo (Apr 7, 2004)

:thumbsup:


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I blame the vegan diet


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Pull my finger


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

The answer....









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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

^^lol!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Eric Malcolm (Dec 18, 2011)

Although Arthur James, who also taught classics at Eton for many years, could quote the great works of ancient Greece and Rome from memory, he was plagued by senior moments after his retirement.
One day, when James was cycling home, he met a friend who noted that James had gotten a new bicycle. James looked down in confusion and realised that he must have taken the postmaster's bicycle by mistake. So he cycled to the Post Office, which was seven miles away, leaned the bicycle against the wall, went inside, apologized to the postmaster, went back outside, got back on the man's bicycle, and rode home.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

...


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just Produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man Just shrugs, "That's aboot average up our way, folks...like Ah said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, “I say, you're the father of that Scottish baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at Birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks
... So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Aye, well, he's seventeen pounds the now". The bartender is puzzled and concerned "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from of his Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him Circumcised, didn't I".


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing in high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the greats of the past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

He probably shops at Urban Outfitters


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

This seems pretty funny to me:

https://www.bikeradar.com/us/news/article/islabikes-icons-range-53517/


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## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LMAO! I just had a robocall on my cell phone that said this *exactly*!


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## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

Lone Rager said:


> This seems pretty funny to me:
> 
> https://www.bikeradar.com/us/news/article/islabikes-icons-range-53517/


Take a generic step-though commuter, put on a 1x11 MTB drivetrain for super low gearing, give it a catchy name that appeals to boomers, and charge $1000+ for it.

Pure marketing in action.

They forgot to put big cushy saddles on there. I'm going to take a wild guess without looking at their website and say they have a bunch of "options" they sell for 3x what the prices should be, which include saddles, cushy grips, lights, saddlebags, maybe even handlebar mounted sound systems.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Lone Rager said:


> This seems pretty funny to me:
> 
> https://www.bikeradar.com/us/news/article/islabikes-icons-range-53517/


Check back in when you sign up for medicare and see if seems as funny. And why not market to old farts and biddies? Reducing step over and low gearing make sense. If it helps to keep someone active and riding, all the better. Not everyone needs to be a mountain biker on a cool rig.


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Gasp4Air said:


> Check back in when you sign up for medicare and see if seems as funny. And why not market to old farts and biddies? Reducing step over and low gearing make sense. If it helps to keep someone active and riding, all the better. Not everyone needs to be a mountain biker on a cool rig.


Great points, it's all about staying active.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

honkinunit said:


> Take a generic step-though commuter, put on a 1x11 MTB drivetrain for super low gearing, give it a catchy name that appeals to boomers, and charge $1000+ for it...


That company have made their name by building lightweight bikes for kids and have a good reputation in the UK. It's the bike cycling enthusiasts buy for their children. Now they're aiming at the grandparents, so they're going in with an established level of goodwill.

I don't know it for a fact, but I would not be surprised if the bikes are to their design, and decently specced. If they have the same level of success with their geriatric bikes as they have with the kids bikes, they'll do well.

One thing I can be reasonably certain of is that they won't be BSOs with just a brand sticker.


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Gasp4Air said:


> Check back in when you sign up for medicare and see if seems as funny....


I've been on medicare for some time now. Enrolled in Silver Sneakers too.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

...


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Defensive much?

Maybe all these jokes are getting to you?

Time for a nap after you get done riding your townie around the block 

It's s mountain bike forum dood!!



Gasp4Air said:


> Check back in when you sign up for medicare and see if seems as funny. And why not market to old farts and biddies? Reducing step over and low gearing make sense. If it helps to keep someone active and riding, all the better. Not everyone needs to be a mountain biker on a cool rig.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Makes me think of some very naughty pranks I could do at the cemetery .... you're never too old to be a prankster 



jcd46 said:


> ...


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## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)

Why all the personal attacks? There are more personal attacks in threads on MTBR than any other forum I've visited. How about sticking to the topic of the thread, "JOKES".


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## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

A/C in Az said:


> Why all the personal attacks?


Piss off! ;0)


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Nurse Ben said:


> Defensive much?
> 
> Maybe all these jokes are getting to you?
> 
> ...


Ok, we can turn this into an inter-generational pissing match, but I'll listen to my better angel and say let's start over.

Here's my edited response, snarky first sentence removed.

_And why not market to old farts and biddies? Reducing step over and low gearing make sense. If it helps to keep someone active and riding, all the better. Not everyone needs to be a mountain biker on a cool rig._

Given your years on the forum, I know you know that while it's MTB focused, it routinely strays into all sorts of bike related topics as well as stuff that has nothing to do with bikes at all. And anyway, at my age I'm entitled to be cranky on occasion.

And get of my lawn.


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

OK. I originally posted the link. Marketing to old farts and biddies is good, as my wife and I qualify and are in their target market (over 65). We know a fair number of other aged decrepit infirm riders who are as well. I'm not sure when or if any of us would ride bikes like that, except maybe to accompany the grand kids on the local MUP, in which case the LBS has long had suitable step-through comfort hybrids and cruisers.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Lone Rager said:


> OK. I originally posted the link. Marketing to old farts and biddies is good, as my wife and I qualify and are in their target market (over 65). We know a fair number of other aged decrepit infirm riders who are as well. I'm not sure when or if any of us would ride bikes like that, except maybe to accompany the grand kids on the local MUP, in which case the LBS has long had suitable step-through comfort hybrids and cruisers.


So you're an old fart too. I guess I assumed you were a young whipper snapper making light of the vagaries of getting old. Happily, I'm still able to get a leg over, but not everyone is, especially those who have led sedentary lives. I like to see people out doing something - bike, hike, run, whatever - just anything to get the heart beating a little faster. Like I say, Use it while you still got it.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

Give 'em some "bad rep" and get on with life.

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

It’s not necessary to excuse your sense of humor, there are always going to be folks who share your views, who don’t care about your views, and who are offended by your views.

It’s a joke thread in a mountain bike forum, nestednin an old farts subforum, all people are invited to post jokes. If you don’t like a joke, then ignore it, that’s really not asking much.

I only come to this thread for the jokes. So far Cyclicious wins the prize for quality submissions without attitude 👏


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Nurse Ben said:


> It's not necessary to excuse your sense of humor, there are always going to be folks who share your views, who don't care about your views, and who are offended by your views.
> 
> It's a joke thread in a mountain bike forum, nestednin an old farts subforum, all people are invited to post jokes. If you don't like a joke, then ignore it, that's really not asking much.
> 
> I only come to this thread for the jokes. So far Cyclicious wins the prize for quality submissions without attitude 


Agreed. Enough non-joke content. Agree about Cyclelicious, too.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Ok I'm about to bust out some attitude!


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

On the lighter side...


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A*woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?*

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses
his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is
getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your
mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or
calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?”
*
The counselor said,
* "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
*
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
*
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
*
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
*
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
*
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
*
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?”


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Scroll up to post #968.


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

DIRTJUNKIE said:


> Scroll up to post #968.


Won t happen, he s just 2old


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

You'll need to click this to see it full size.

I thought it was funny but if anyone objects, I'll remove it.


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

That's funny lol!

Its the 50+ forum after all.^^


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Blow?? What is this Blow thing???


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

What the heck?


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. 

Bob says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Charlie says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Dave says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to Ed who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf, and she said, '"Take a sweater.'"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Mr Pig said:


> What the heck?
> 
> View attachment 1237175


I didn't see that but I think I'm going to spend some time investigating!


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Awesome!



Tribble Me said:


> Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
> 
> His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
> 
> ...


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

My wife has asked me to book a table for two for Valentine's Day.

I didn't know she played pool, great idea.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

Ouch!
She’s got her fist clenched. Looks to be a pretty meaty fist at that.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

@2old, you post some funny stuff man!


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## camp10 (Mar 2, 2015)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Too soon? Happy Hump Day


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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> Too soon? Happy Hump Day
> 
> View attachment 1239715


He needs that like a hole in the head.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

You know you're getting old when

…. if your partner offers you “super sex”, you choose the soup.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I always wondered what happen to her


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

^^ I was just up there last week on a ski trip. Talk about the middle of nowhere...

And the food was awful.


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1240232


I'm thinking Coopers Droop.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1241873


After twenty years of marriage, I have concluded that the correct answer is: I love it when your hair is up


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

And its a blonde man this time!
______________________________________________
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

Nurse Ben said:


> After twenty years of marriage, I have concluded that the correct answer is: I love it when your hair is up


Or if you feel frisky.... Does nothing for your butt. But it does make your neck look fat!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

^^^ Worth repeating?

https://forums.mtbr.com/fifty-years-old/50-joke-thread-989802-31.html#post13935260
I can't remember sh*t but for some reason I remember these cartoons.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

GETTING OLDER 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'"


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and his son, a renowned surgeon, was to perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come live with you and your wife..."


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1244262


So maybe I'm obtuse, but why is there a bird hanging upside down under the seat?


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## JimmyAsheville (Oct 21, 2018)

How many 50 year old ******** does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to screw it in, one to write a song about how hard it was, and two go outside and fight about it. (Apologies to ********. I identify as a red neck.). Adapted for the over 50 crowd.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Nurse Ben said:


> So maybe I'm obtuse, but why is there a bird hanging upside down under the seat?


Dan Piraro is an interesting cartoonist (and person). His Bizarro comics take a bizarre (as implied) look at everyday life

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Piraro

Most Bizarro cartoons since 1995 include one or more of these devices hidden somewhere in the cartoon:

an eyeball (the Eyeball of Observation),
a piece of pie (the Pie of Opportunity),
a rabbit (the Bunny of Exuberance),
an alien in a spaceship (the Flying Saucer of Possibility),
the abbreviation "K2" (referring to Piraro's children Krelspeth and Krapuzar),
a crown (the Crown of Power),
a stick of dynamite (the Dynamite of Unintended Consequences),
a shoe (the Lost Loafer),
an arrow (The Arrow of Vulnerability),
a fish tail (The Fish of Humility)
an upside down bird (the Inverted Bird)
Olive Oyl, or the abbreviation "O2" (the Mighty Oyl) (first occurrences in May 2017)
As of 2008, Piraro indicates how many symbols are hidden in each strip with a number above his signature.

In the cartoon above there are 2 symbols. The upside down bird and eyeball. Part of the fun with his cartoons is finding the symbols


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## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> In the cartoon above there are 2 symbols. The upside down bird and eyeball. Part of the fun with his cartoons is finding the symbols


isn't there four? I see the dynamite, eyeball, upside down bird and bunny. also a 4 above the sig


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1244877


... and that would be my wife, only difference is, I know better than to ask stoopid questions 🙄


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Gingerdawg said:


> isn't there four? I see the dynamite, eyeball, upside down bird and bunny. also a 4 above the sig


Yes 4 symbols in the Bizarro I posted. I was replying to Nurse Ben's post #1074 (Bird under the chair and eyeball in the corner)


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

I have been assured this is true - I'm not so sure, but if so, it sounds like a very exciting hotel.... 

_A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

*Getting There:* 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

*The Hotel:* 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

*The Restaurant:* 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

*Your Room:* 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

*Bed:* 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

*Above All:* 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it._


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I suspect they're smoking Lucky Strikes 



2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Nurse Ben said:


> I suspect they're smoking Lucky Strikes


Good one!









Remember the TV show?


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Lone Rager said:


> Good one!
> 
> View attachment 1245624
> 
> ...


Ironic advert considering he died at 61...


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


As a bass player , i must:


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1246278


lmao!!


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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

NOW I know what to say in those situations! Thanks, Cycleicious.


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## be1 (Sep 4, 2013)

Husband asked his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?".........She replied, "Because you told me not to call you at work."


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

be1 said:


> Husband asked his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?".........She replied, "Because you told me not to call you at work."


Oh my! That's a classic!!


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

be1 said:


> Husband asked his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?".........She replied, "Because you told me not to call you at work."


And... What are the 3 little words a woman hates to hear her husband say while making love?

"Honey, I'm home"


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## Curveball (Aug 10, 2015)

fokof said:


> As a bass player , i must:


I'm a bass player too!


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## Outrider66 (Jan 30, 2018)

Not really a joke, per se', but I crack up every time I think about it. About 30 years ago, I used to have a boss who would tell me that one day, I would cherish bowel movements. When he said that, I would roll my eyes and think, "WTF"?

But he was right. That is the 3rd best feeling in the world. The 2nd best is when you really, really have to pee, and you are finally able to, right before you might have wet your pants.

We all know what the very best feeling in the world is. 

But the 2nd and 3rd best feelings in the world are such a feeling of relief, when we get old. Ain't nuthin' like taking a good dump. lol


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## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

^^^ That reminds me of a pearl of wisdom I read some 35 years ago on the bathroom wall in the library at college:

"There is nothing more overrated than a lousy f*!ck and nothing more underrated than a good schitt." That's hard to argue.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I'll up that: a really good dump and minimal wiping.

Fiber and hydration, keeps you solid and regular 



BlueCheesehead said:


> ^^^ That reminds me of a pearl of wisdom I read some 35 years ago on the bathroom wall in the library at college:
> 
> "There is nothing more overrated than a lousy f*!ck and nothing more underrated than a good schitt." That's hard to argue.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Outrider66 (Jan 30, 2018)

Nurse Ben said:


> I'll up that: a really good dump and minimal wiping.


Oh yeah - I forgot to include the part about minimal wiping. Very true.

And along those lines, for those days we aren't so fortunate, and especially on the days after eating way too many jalapenos the day before, medicated wipes are the *greatest product ever invented*. As they say, "Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may really burn your ass tomorrow".


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1248671


Ah, youth. There's always crap, Emma. Always.


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

DEAR ABBY was at a loss to answer these:

Dear Abby, 
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? 

Dear Abby, 
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? 

Dear Abby, 
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. 

Dear Abby, 
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. 

Dear Abby, 
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 

Dear Abby, 
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, 
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. 

Dear Abby, 
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause. 

Dear Abby, 
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? 

Dear Abby, 
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


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## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

Curveball said:


> I'm a bass player too!


I don't get it.


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

A dying man declares he wants to take it with him, and gives his attorney a briefcase with $20 million in cash with instructions to put it in his casket.

On the appointed day and in front of witnesses, the attorney lays the briefcase to rest in the casket.

Afterwards, the attorney's friends ask him, "Did you really put $20 million in the casket?"

"Of course!" replied the attorney. "I wrote him a check for the entire amount."


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Yesterday i heard a good one...
chatting with a new neighbor, i asked her,
what do you enjoy, sports, the arts??
she answered, when i was young i did more sports...
she is 22 YO


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A dying man decides he wants a fabulous funeral. In his will he dictates that his wife must spend $40,000 for the casket, service, and the monument to celebrate his passing into the next life. His wife was distressed at his death but proceeded to follow his wishes. 

At the wake after a very nice ceremony one of her friends asked her, "Did you really spend the whole $40,000?"

"I did" she said, "the monument was the most expensive part, though."

"What monument?" her friend asked. 

"Well, the best kind, of course. It's a 3 carat diamond ring." As she holds out her hand and shows off her new ring. "I'll always think of him when I wear it."


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

You might have to be a wee bit Scottish to get this one...


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

Velobike said:


> You might have to be a wee bit Scottish to get this one...
> 
> View attachment 1251096


As an Aussie l get it


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## Eric Malcolm (Dec 18, 2011)

Clue: Tattoo has 2 meanings.

Got it - Strangled cats.

Eric


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1251463


What's the 4th one? Got the spaceship dude, the eyeball and the bird.


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## Aglo (Dec 16, 2014)

• a crown (the Crown of Power).


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1252578


Hence the concept of keeping your mouth shut when interacting with someone who knows you as well as you know yourself 

... of course I'm not really good at that, which keeps things interesting.


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

Nurse Ben said:


> Hence the concept of keeping your mouth shut when interacting with someone who knows you as well as you know yourself
> 
> ... of course I'm not really good at that, which keeps things interesting.


I do my best, but its still wrong


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cmg said:


> I do my best, but its still wrong


I'm at my best when I use the following approach:

My wife is right
I say yes
I don't say what I'm thinking
and I agree with her thinking

Happy wife, happy life 

That said, I can certainly be a disagreeble old cuss


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## Curveball (Aug 10, 2015)

Finch Platte said:


> I don't get it.


I was responding to Fokof that I'm also a bass player.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

..









Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

That's me alright. Ouch.


jcd46 said:


> ..


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

^All too true!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls 25 cents".

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
> 
> He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
> 
> ...


True story


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

^^^At my age, I don't find mentioning hemorrhoids embarrassing. It's when they call, "Will the gentleman with the excessively large and rigid boner come in." that I blush.


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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)




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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

Another cartoon that will whoosh right over the head of anyone under 30.



2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Recently I went in to an office supply store to buy some carbon paper to help me with a tracing that I needed to make. I asked the guy (~20 yo) if they had any and he gave me a funny look. But he said they did and he was proud to say that he even knew where it was.

I asked him if he knew what it was used for and he said he had no idea. The only reason he knew where it was because he recently had to move it since the store was about to discontinue carrying it.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I was talking with a client about "Abby Normal", my student had no idea what we were talking about ... she''s thirty.

So sad, what do they teach kids in schools these days?


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## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Nurse Ben said:


> I was talking with a client about "Abby Normal", my student had no idea what we were talking about ... she''s thirty.
> 
> So sad, what do they teach kids in schools these days?


Good thing you did not go with


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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

honkinunit said:


> Another cartoon that will whoosh right over the head of anyone under 30.


Let's go really old school and I'll tell you how to fix an 8 track tape!


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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)




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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

I like this one...


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1255341


Thanks for all your good ones.
Some make me smile, some make me laugh, some make me chuckle.
I read some to my 87 YO mom and she often really appreciate the ones about old people. (she lost her sight)


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Nurse Ben said:


> I was talking with a client about "Abby Normal", my student had no idea what we were talking about ... she''s thirty.
> 
> So sad, what do they teach kids in schools these days?


Yep. A while back I was riding on some awesome singletrack when I came across these three twenty year olds off their bikes clapping and hitting sticks together. As I roll by looking at them wondering WTF, they say to me look out, pointing up the trail. 
I look ahead and there's two spike bucks standing on the trail, not moving. 
I didn't even slow down. I rolled up on the deer and when I got close I went Hey Mo! in my best Curly voice. The deer ran off. 
I got back to the parking lot and while changing my shoes and putting my bike away, the three kids came up to me and wanted to know what I said to make the deer run away. I told em they asked Who's Mo? 
What a sad state of affairs.

And come to think of it, my daughter, who's 24 has known who Abbey Someone was since she was three.


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Back in 1990, at age 40, I switched careers into IT. I got a job in a Hartford insurance company and was put into their 3 month training program. Most of the others in the class were recent college or tech school grads. One Friday night some of us went out for drinks. I was talking to a couple of the young women about movies. One of them says she just saw one of the old classics and she loved it. I'm thinking Humphrey Bogart, Spencer Tracey, B&W. She was talking about The Graduate. I left early.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ lol


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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

^^^lol!


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Not sure which one I am, but that recumbent looks good...


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## 786737 (Mar 13, 2015)

An elderly husband dining with his wife at a restaurant leans over and asks her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ lol


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## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> ^ lol


.x2.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Velobike said:


> Not sure which one I am, but that recumbent looks good...


I'm doing it backwards!

I rode unicyles for my mid life crisis, rode a tandem during parenthood, and I ride a mountain bike in retirement; not really retirement because I don't believe in it


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1260141


I wonder if my wife would be offended if I painted that in my driveway


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## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

My wife came home the other day and said "I'm so cold.” I said... "Good! Go stand next to the stove!"

Then i hugged her while she put her cold hands under my shirt!

Married love after 17 years!


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Velobike said:


>


Interestingly, the Japanese word for "smorgasbord" is "bikingu". With the sounds of their language, they can't pronounce "smorgasbord" so they say "viking" but, they have no "v" sound so they substitute "b". All of their letters are syllabic and end in a vowel sound (except they do have a "n/m") so the "g" comes out as "gu".


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1265135


Seriously, and what's worse is she seems to be moving more of my stuff as I get older


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

get off my lawn


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## rockerc (Nov 22, 2010)

(...scotsmen are notoriously mean )


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

rockerc said:


> View attachment 1266661
> 
> 
> (...scotsmen are notoriously mean )


And cheap, to boot!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Then you mess up the last number and have to start over


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

Biking: You're doing it wrong... or not enough!


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By October 31, 2019
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups. 
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Bull was driving down a back road in South Carolina where he sees a sign in front of a restaurant that reads: 

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL 
Lobster Tail and Beer 


"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, 
"Them's my three favorites".


True story!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

I saw a bumper sticker recently (in Colorado, of course) that said:

Chicken Pot Pie
Three of my favorite things.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1272861


I gotta get me some of those shoes!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump day


----------



## Scott O (Aug 5, 2004)

I'd like to officially welcome myself to the old people's club with a clip from Beavis and Butthead.....


----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)

Velobike said:


> I have been assured this is true - I'm not so sure, but if so, it sounds like a very exciting hotel....
> 
> _A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
> She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
> ...


I am dating a gal from China and yes, this is a very literal translation. She and I have these conversations where the literal translation from Mandarin is confusing and humorous. Sometimes it takes a few minutes and a few questions to figure out what she means to say as opposed to the actual words that come out of her mouth.


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

A/C in Az said:


> Sometimes it takes a few minutes and a few questions to figure out what she means to say as opposed to the actual words that come out of her mouth.


Married 26 years...welcome to my world.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

And happy caturday!


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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

^^^^^Good One, Judy!lolololololol!!!!
That's MY neighborhood! And they hate me!!
-Ray


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

The new old people are going to suck | Lachlan Patterson :lol:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Final question: over or under?


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

^^^ Over...I do not have a cat.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Poll: Over or Under?

Over, easier to reach ... hey, I'm old 

Story time:

When my son was little he'd pee all over the toilet, the floor, etc... so I finally got tired of cleaning up after him (not like he's gonna clean it up) and I told he had to sit down to pee from "now on". 

Fast forward, he's in his twenties, and he still sits down to pee.

No seat up issues with this guy!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Hope springs eternal! Happy Hump day!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lol^^^


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1281303


lmao!


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Walk quietly


----------



## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1285307


Dad, is that you?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”


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## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1286583


"Cremation is an unnecessary carbon release that's contributing to our Planets' climate change crisis! You must pay a carbon tax if you want to be cremated." Said the climate activist. "But if your estate is worth less than $30,000, we will send you a rebate." Said the politician.


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1286477


a little bit of wee came out..........


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

I will try to copy something, hopefully it will work

https://www.facebook.com/onlyincana...sf5QHXLUvAEde7umAvawXAGcrQRqu9KBUrmXRGs&ifg=1


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## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1285307


We could also fine tune the antenna for a clear picture. And take out the trash.

Technology has gone backwards....


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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

^^ .... when she's ten feet tall


----------



## be1 (Sep 4, 2013)

where's the white rabbit?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

There is a new commercial for Celebrity Cruise Ships and the theme song playing is White Rabbit! Strange or groovy choice of theme music for a cruise ship!


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

cyclelicious said:


> There is a new commercial for Celebrity Cruise Ships and the theme song playing is White Rabbit! Strange or groovy choice of theme music for a cruise ship!


Kewl. I wonder if they might have a "mushroom salad" that's, like, really a trip!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

We spend so much time looking for our stuff!


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> We spend so much time looking for our stuff!


I am waiting 4 the male version
with the beer button


----------



## bachman1961 (Oct 9, 2013)

That one there needs a watch finder.
As one who searches for his phone when its in my hand or pocket, I can tell you how fun things can get.

When realizing I already have the phone in my hand, you'd think I'd go grab a beer and celebrate finding it ! Then I discover a half-consumed beer from an hour ago I left sitting somewhere.
Beer button = Good 

:thumbsup:


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

bachman1961 said:


> That one there needs a watch finder.
> ...


I had a professor that was senile. He would look at his wrong wrist to look at his watch. He could have used a watch finder.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

..


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## howman66 (May 26, 2005)

*Where is he now?*

Or, rather, where am I now?


----------



## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

Truth flows from the mouth of babes. Even though they have babies.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1292115


...and unusually large.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

BlueCheesehead said:


> ...and unusually large.


And badly photoshopped.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Mr Pig said:


> And badly photoshopped.


Yeah but still funny!


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> Yeah but still funny!


If you say so ;0)


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Mr Pig said:


> If you say so ;0)


Ok try this one:


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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1292115


I know a great joke about this...

One day, a monkey was walking through the jungle when all of a sudden, he happens across a lion. The monkey panics and climbs very high up the nearest tree. The lion asks what's wrong with you? Come on down. The monkey says I know you. You're that lion that eats monkeys. The lion says yeah, that's me but I've already eaten today. Come on down and let's talk. The monkey was having none of it and said no thanks. I'm fine right here. 
The lion says watch this... He takes some vines and ties his rear feet together. Then he ties his front feet together and ties his front feet to his rear feet. He's laying there hogtied. The monkey comes down slowly and makes his way to the lion. He's standing there shaking like a leaf so the lion asks what's the problem? You can see I can't hurt you. The monkey replies I know.. It's just that I've never f!cked a lion before.


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## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Anther lion joke.

Two backpackers are walking across an African plain. Suddenly, they spot a lion that had been obscured by some scrub and the lion is looking at them!

One of the backpackers drops to his knees, pulls off his boots and starts putting on his training shoes. 

'What are you doing?' his friend says. 'You can't outrun a lion.'

'I don't have to' he replies. 'I just need to outrun you.'


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## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Frankly these lion jokes are not that great, but I appreciate that the more that get posted the quicker the page changes so we do not have to look at the biker with plumbers butt when the thread opens.  Keep up the ... work.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

BlueCheesehead said:


> Frankly these lion jokes are not that great, but I appreciate that the more that get posted the quicker the page changes so we do not have to look at the biker with plumbers butt when the thread opens.  Keep up the ... work.


That's on me and it's at the top when I open it also.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Getting down at the Holiday Inn! How about playing some Partridge Family?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy New Year!


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

^^^ I'm 'self partnered' and my memory is great!


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lone Rager said:


> ^^^ I'm 'self partnered' and my memory is great!


Living up to your username?


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Ouch!


----------



## jabrabu (Aug 2, 2010)

Good idea.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ lol


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

uumm.... what's an instant pot?


EDIT: ok, a crock pot or pressure cooker


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

(pic by Colin Kirsch)


----------



## beastmaster (Sep 19, 2012)

How I feel about my upcoming 56th birthday in February!


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

cmg said:


> uumm.... what's an instant pot?


It's the dropper post of cooking.


----------



## roadkill401 (Mar 14, 2017)

cmg said:


> uumm.... what's an instant pot?
> 
> EDIT: ok, a crock pot or pressure cooker


And here I was thinking it's a speedy delivery for Justin's promised weed.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

roadkill401 said:


> And here I was thinking it's a speedy delivery for Justin's promised weed.


You laugh. They have home delivery for weed in some areas of Colorado.

Drive-through weed stores as well.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

honkinunit said:


> You laugh. They have home delivery for weed in some areas of Colorado.
> 
> Drive-through weed stores as well.


Drive through liquor stores in Tennessee always kinda blew my mind, but it looks like 30 states allow it!


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Many cannabis dispensaries in San Diego offer delivery service. I think they all do, in fact.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Every elf's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

I'm posting this with a heavy heart.

As much as I love the mountains and everything that comes with riding in them...this is taking up too much of my time.

I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. 

I have decided to get rid of my gear.

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers. It’s all branded, top gear

Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Vacuum cleaner
2. Dustpan and brush
3. Mop and bucket
4. Lawn Mower
5. Oven


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Velobike said:


> ...I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking ...


You need an Instapot.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^^Throwing in the tea-towel Velo? I understand where you're coming from... but (seriously) keep the Instapot


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Velobike said:


> I'm posting this with a heavy heart.
> 
> As much as I love the mountains and everything that comes with riding in them...this is taking up too much of my time.
> 
> ...


I'm with you. I've got a couple of other items:
1. Tiller
2. Blower
3. Wheel barrow
4. All the shovels, and rakes in the garage

Hopefully I'll get enough for these that I can get a new bike


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

posted in honor of a friend of mine who's re-entering the dating world at our age:


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Hahahahahahaha!!^^^^


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Tribble Me said:


> I'm with you. I've got a couple of other items:
> 1. Tiller
> 2. Blower
> 3. Wheel barrow
> ...


Selling my plow, digging tools, and a ton of worn out gloves (gloves included FREE with the purchase of digging bars and post hole digger.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Have your grand-kids written to Santa yet?

Might be worth spell-checking their letter...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Velobike said:


>


Like some chihuahuas.


----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

LOL
Now I know why there are a lot of garage sales. They collect money for new bikes...!


----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Velobike said:


> Have your grand-kids written to Santa yet?
> 
> Might be worth spell-checking their letter...


This is not funny. Imagine how the poor unwanted puppy feels right now


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

quite.right said:


> This is not funny. Imagine how the poor unwanted puppy feels right now


Hungry...


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Crimpcap said:


> It snowed last night...
> 8:00 am: I made a snowman.
> 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
> 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
> ...


The lazy white supremasist was golfing so no riffle nor bazooka was fired


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Crimpcap said:


> It snowed last night...
> 8:00 am: I made a snowman.
> 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
> 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
> ...


Chuck Palahniuk's 1990s Fight Club: "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone and we are all part of the same compost pile."

We are in the "age of outrage".

Honestly, it's wearing me out to the point that I just don't effing care.

... and I used to be so appropriate


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

As it turned Satan isn't such a bad chap, and the wee girl just loves her puppy.



But just as well she didn't ask for a *****....

EDIT: Oops, cultural differences showing. Here everyone loves stroking kittens...


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall . 

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the Bike shop next door to that."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ lol

Combo stress test and prostate exam


----------



## be1 (Sep 4, 2013)

Velobike said:


> Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall .
> 
> The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.
> 
> ...


nice redirection.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

be1 said:


> nice redirection.


and really good way to piss off your spouse.

See, I'd take a different approach: "Hey honey, isn't that the store where you saw that beautiful necklace? Maybe they still have it."

Then, while she's being fitted, I go next door, timing it just right, so that when she comes over to tell me she's done, I'm straddling a new bike 

Of course my wife doesn't like jewelry and she also doesn't care much about my bike hobby, so all I have to do is keep her happy and life is just grand 

For Xmas I got her a purple puffy, a convertible biking jacket, purple bike grips, and I'll get her some nice fuzzy warm things like socks and gloves.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking, what more does she need when she has ME?

Wahahahha!


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Nurse Ben said:


> and really good way to piss off your spouse....


Uh...that's kinda the point. It's supposed to be joke/funny exactly because he did it the worst possible way, get it?


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Nurse Ben said:


> and really good way to piss off your spouse.
> 
> See, I'd take a different approach: "Hey honey, isn't that the store where you saw that beautiful necklace? Maybe they still have it."
> 
> ...


You're not getting her a Peloton?


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

chazpat said:


> you're not getting her a peloton?


lmao


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

chazpat said:


> You're not getting her a Peloton?


I considered getting her a RipRow, but it's kinda pricey, so I bought a carpet cleaner instead, it has the same motions but serves a dual purpose.

I expect to spend some time sleeping on the couch, but it's my cross to bare ?


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Wait, it's a joke, on the joke thread, no way, ya don't say!

Damn, I thought this was the flat pedal thread ?



Lone Rager said:


> Uh...that's kinda the point. It's supposed to be joke/funny exactly because he did it the worst possible way, get it?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Peloton was the only store in Yorkdale mall that was empty today at 5pm (except for the sales person) ... mmmm


----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

Only 62 more posts till we get past the Sally butt crack photo that loads at the top of this page. C',mon folks-we can do this!


----------



## riyadh (Feb 13, 2015)

Damn, lets get this out before the new year


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

paramount3 said:


> Only 62 more posts till we get past the Sally butt crack photo that loads at the top of this page. C',mon folks-we can do this!


whaa?!


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Check your numbers, you cannot count
i guess you are into kofifi


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

paramount3 said:


> Only 62 more posts till we get past the Sally butt crack photo that loads at the top of this page. C',mon folks-we can do this!


I have the same thought each time I open this page :lol:

BTW 42 years ago...

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...."


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## huckleberry hound (Feb 27, 2015)

^^^ Thank God that didn't make it as the first post on the next page. That would have been worse than the Sally picture.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

paramount3 said:


> Only 62 more posts till we get past the Sally butt crack photo that loads at the top of this page. C',mon folks-we can do this!


Seriously, I have the same thought every time I come to this thread ...


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

huckleberry hound said:


> ^^^ Thank God that didn't make it as the first post on the next page. That would have been worse than the Sally picture.


That would have been funny in a very warped way.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

At least he's stayin alive


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Haha. Every time I think of Saturday Night Fever I remember this...

I was servicing a diesel generator in this nursing home in NYC years ago. To get from the genset to the controls, you had to walk up a flight of stairs, across a stage and down a flight into a different area that wasn't accessible any other way. This particular day, there was a woman trying to get a VCR and a television to work. She had about twenty people waiting to watch the movie. After my fourth time across the stage, I asked if she needed help. She replied yes. I connected the vcr to the tv, put the tv on channel three and looked to see what they were going to watch. It was Saturday Night Fever. I looked at the old people. Half of them were asleep, some were just staring into space and the remaining few were probably wondering who the hell I was. I looked at the woman and said they're really gonna watch this?? 
I would think for what it costs to be in a nursing home in Manhattan they would have a better selection of movies.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> At least he's stayin alive
> 
> View attachment 1299749


Ah, ah, ah, ah


----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

NYrr496 said:


> Haha. Every time I think of Saturday Night Fever I remember this...
> 
> I was servicing a diesel generator in this nursing home in NYC years ago. To get from the genset to the controls, you had to walk up a flight of stairs, across a stage and down a flight into a different area that wasn't accessible any other way. This particular day, there was a woman trying to get a VCR and a television to work. She had about twenty people waiting to watch the movie. After my fourth time across the stage, I asked if she needed help. She replied yes. I connected the vcr to the tv, put the tv on channel three and looked to see what they were going to watch. It was Saturday Night Fever. I looked at the old people. Half of them were asleep, some were just staring into space and the remaining few were probably wondering who the hell I was. I looked at the woman and said they're really gonna watch this??
> I would think for what it costs to be in a nursing home in Manhattan they would have a better selection of movies.


When my wifes Grandmother went into a nursing home (dementure), I noticed a bus stop within the grounds, every visit there were always oldies waiting there, I asked a nurse when the buses come, she laughed and said "never but it keeps the oldies occupied, and when the bus never comes then they grumble about how bad the public transport system is, but they are occupied"

I was always torn between "that sucks" or "its good", to this day I still dont really know how I feel about it.


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

cmg said:


> When my wifes Grandmother went into a nursing home (dementure), I noticed a bus stop within the grounds, every visit there were always oldies waiting there, I asked a nurse when the buses come, she laughed and said "never but it keeps the oldies occupied, and when the bus never comes then they grumble about how bad the public transport system is, but they are occupied"
> 
> I was always torn between "that sucks" or "its good", to this day I still dont really know how I feel about it.


Actually, that's pretty funny. They should have a bus come, pick them up, drive around for five minutes and drop em back off.

A guy that used to work with me retired and took a job as a security guard at a nursing home close to where he lives. He said all he does is answer questions about which bus goes where. Probably more taxing on him than when he worked.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ Sorry to digress but there is a model of care called Dementia Villages where "residents with severe dementia live as freely and naturally as possible in a secure, enclosed community designed around their needs and safety" It's a community/social concept and goes beyond the traditional hospital-like environment

As crazy as it seems, the idea of having a bus stop with no buses would probably work in that Dementia Village. These safe villages would have little apartments for the residents , "banks", "grocery store", church etc. Residents could do "normal everyday activities" in a safe environment. "Residents may take walks through the park, resting on benches waiting for a passerby to strike up a conversation, or have dinner with friends over a bottle of wine at the local restaurant. In addition to resident interaction, visitors can come in and enjoy the grounds and facilities, meaning that residents interact with the outside community as well, but within the safety of the village"

setting.https://www.allaboutestates.ca/dementia-villages-a-unique-approach-to-dementia-care/

I manage long term care units for veterans (most have physical /mobility issues but the majority are quite cognitively intact) . We try to incorporate flexibility (some basic rules and routines) and variety of activities, outings within the confines of a hospital setting. I have control over decor and functionality of the units but the dementia Village would be fabulous


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

I'm sure that's where I'm gonna end up.


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

Sometimes I worry about ending up in a dementia facility, but then I just forget about it and move on.


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

cmg said:


> When my wifes Grandmother went into a nursing home (dementure)...


The first sign is poor grammar and spelling.


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

Lone Rager said:


> The first sign is poor grammar and spelling.


I always heard the second thing to go is your memory... I can't remember what the first was.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Lone Rager said:


> The first sign is poor grammar and spelling.


Hey now&#8230;

V
V
V


----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

Fake bus stops have been used in Germany for several years now. There is an ethical debate surrounding the practice:

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s13584-019-0301-0


----------



## bachman1961 (Oct 9, 2013)

honkinunit said:


> Sometimes I worry about ending up in a dementia facility, but then I just forget about it and move on.


and move on.
You mean the bus really did show up ? :lol:


----------



## bachman1961 (Oct 9, 2013)

NYrr496 said:


> Haha. Every time I think of Saturday Night Fever I remember this...
> 
> I was servicing a diesel generator in this nursing home in NYC years ago. To get from the genset to the controls, you had to walk up a flight of stairs, across a stage and down a flight into a different area that wasn't accessible any other way. This particular day, there was a woman trying to get a VCR and a television to work. She had about twenty people waiting to watch the movie. After my fourth time across the stage, I asked if she needed help. She replied yes. I connected the vcr to the tv, put the tv on channel three and looked to see what they were going to watch. It was Saturday Night Fever. I looked at the old people. Half of them were asleep, some were just staring into space and the remaining few were probably wondering who the hell I was. I looked at the woman and said they're really gonna watch this??
> I would think for what it costs to be in a nursing home in Manhattan they would have a better selection of movies.


If the genset exhaust draws into the home, they all be going down for the big sleep. :madman:


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

bachman1961 said:


> If the genset exhaust draws into the home, they all be going down for the big sleep. :madman:


Elon Musk needs to come up with a gen set run on electricity...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Oh man, There's a Christmas song that I despise, Dominic the Christmas Donkey. 
I go out of my way to avoid hearing it. Probably haven't heard it in fifteen years.


----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

funny


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lol^^^^


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1300635


When my son went to college a couple years ago, he got real excited about vinyl records, spending hundreds of dollars to set up a stereo to play records. Of course they sound like shite, all scratchy, but he thought it was the best.

He's gotten older and has realized that you can listen to bad music by simply tuning your radio to distant station


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ I think it's the excitement hype when starting this hobby...then reality sets in it's meh!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I plan to party at least to 1030


----------



## be1 (Sep 4, 2013)

^^^when my mother was in assisted living i saw a sign in the home "It's new year's eve somewhere party - 2 pm". 

not real sure when it ended.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

^^^ bahahahahahaha X10



I decided to go down and get a tattoo. The artist asked me what I wanted. I told him I’m 58. Just go ahead and put my name and address on my arm.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

My artist is cool. I am 62 and my new year bonus for my name and address was my mom phone #.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Not sure if this belongs here or in the prostate thread...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ lol

The mummified cat is missing from this scene


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Please tell me does it count(i am a newbie)?
Last saturday morning i was on my fat and i was passed 
by a red fat, does it count?
He was 1/2 my age, does it count?
I was pedaling he was driving his car, does it count?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lol^^^^


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1300455


Is "Crystal Meth" part of the joke ?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ Church of Effing lol


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

It's Effing Real--> Effing South Carolina
Their Facebook page is pretty funny.


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Hell, Michigan


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Sally is so close to being irrelevant. Come on folks 2 more jokes...


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

BlueCheesehead said:


> Sally is so close to being irrelevant. Come on folks 2 more jokes...


Sally? I'm lost...


----------



## CrashCanipe (Jan 12, 2004)

So who is going to be the one to repost Sally to be the first joke on page 8??


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

The girl that the top of the page behind the butt crack that you would have to see every time you opened the page.

After 6 months the crack is finally buried...


----------



## CrashCanipe (Jan 12, 2004)

Well done BlueCheesehead, well done...


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

CrashCanipe said:


> Well done BlueCheesehead, well done...


I'm contemplating bringing it back ... would you hate me?


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Sally is playing with Humpty Dumpty, both R down


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

BlueCheesehead said:


> The girl that the top of the page behind the butt crack that you would have to see every time you opened the page.
> 
> After 6 months the crack is finally buried...


Is this a phone app view thing? Because I surf these forums on a laptop.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

metalskool said:


> Is this a phone app view thing? Because I surf these forums on a laptop.


I only have an 8 years old laptop and i was seeing that pic. Do U have some parental thing that does not show all content? This would be post # 1201


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

33red said:


> I only have an 8 years old laptop and i was seeing that pic. Do U have some parental thing that does not show all content? This would be post # 1201


I found that post but it is on page #2 for me- seventh post down. When I open up a thread from an email notification it goes right to the newest post & page for me.


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Good thing there is no update for 2020


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Does that work for testicles?



BlueCheesehead said:


> Good thing there is no update for 2020
> 
> View attachment 1307209


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Nurse Ben said:


> Does that work for testicles?


If it does, I don't want to find out.


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Nurse Ben said:


> Does that work for testicles?


For the sake of gender equity, lets say yes.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

BlueCheesehead said:


> Hell, Michigan
> 
> View attachment 1306871


And, one of the best MTB trails runs right thru Hell.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Going to a Minivan is really going to suck!


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1308169


Wait--where is Love Street? And the Darkness on the Edge of Town? Oh, never mind--This Must Be The Place.


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1308169


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

paramount3 said:


> Wait--where is Love Street? And the Darkness on the Edge of Town? Oh, never mind--This Must Be The Place.


They left out Lakeside Park as well.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

honkinunit said:


> They left out Lakeside Park as well.


and where's the Burning House of Love?


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

chazpat said:


> and where's the Burning House of Love?


Right next door to the House of the Rising Sun and caddy corner from the Love Shack...


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

And my eyesight ain't what it used to be, so hot chicks still look like hot chicks. Hope that works both ways...


----------



## beastmaster (Sep 19, 2012)

eating right matters, especially as we age...


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

Velobike said:


> And my eyesight ain't what it used to be, so hot chicks still look like hot chicks. Hope that works both ways...


That all works except for the part about "do not use drugs". Most seniors are taking multiple drugs for health issues, and a huge number drink like fish and take recreational drugs. https://www.theguardian.com/society...e-stoner-why-are-so-many-seniors-smoking-weed


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

honkinunit said:


> That all works except for the part about "do not use drugs"...


Part D, baby.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

This fits here.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

jcd46 said:


> This fits here.


PED's??


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ I still find the Golden Girls entertaining and funny... JLo , not so much


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Tribble Me said:


> PED's??


I'm old Tribble, what does that mean?


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

jcd46 said:


> I'm old Tribble, what does that mean?


PED = Performance Enhancing Drug


----------



## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

TheBaldBlur said:


> PED = Performance Enhancing Drug


Thanks!

Lol probably


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

jcd46 said:


> Thanks!
> 
> Lol probably


That's the Trouble with Tribbles!
-Ray


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

Some days Ibuprofen is a Performance Enhancing Drug though.

Coffee is every day!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## be1 (Sep 4, 2013)

hilarious.

edit: made me laff.


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1309849


In a similar vein, I was on a charity road ride with a buddy. He was getting a bit chaffed and at one of the rest stops at the medical tent they had some creme that had a no name label, but said it was for pain... Well after rubbing a big glob down his bibbs he got "pain". It was a generic Icy Hot. :eekster:


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1309849


It used to be if you got someone's cell number, it meant they were in jail....


----------



## Skooks (Dec 24, 2008)

BlueCheesehead said:


> In a similar vein, I was on a charity road ride with a buddy. He was getting a bit chaffed and at one of the rest stops at the medical tent they had some creme that had a no name label, but said it was for pain... Well after rubbing a big glob down his bibbs he got "pain". It was a generic Icy Hot. :eekster:


On one of our charity rides, someone pulled into the feed stop and grabbed a gel from a volunteer. After stuffing his face with it he realized it was Chamois Butter. True story!


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

When I was a young teen, me and some buddies got caught throwing water balloons over our backyard fence ... at cars driving down the road. Yeah totally stoopid, but it certainly was fun until the cop came scrambling over the fence 🙄



cyclelicious said:


>


----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)

honkinunit said:


> That all works except for the part about "do not use drugs". Most seniors are taking multiple drugs for health issues, and a huge number drink like fish and take recreational drugs. https://www.theguardian.com/society...e-stoner-why-are-so-many-seniors-smoking-weed


Don't forget that the senior population has the highest rate of STD's due to that "not worrying about getting pregnant" part and the easy access to Viagra.


----------



## WHALENARD (Feb 21, 2010)

A/C in Az said:


> Don't forget that the senior population has the highest rate of STD's due to that "not worrying about getting pregnant" part and the easy access to Viagra.


I wonder if a diminished immune system is a factor with that. The idea that seniors are having more partners than people with high hormone levels doesn't compute.

Sent from my moto g(6) forge using Tapatalk


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

WHALENARD said:


> I wonder if a diminished immune system is a factor with that. The idea that seniors are having more partners than people with high hormone levels doesn't compute.
> 
> Sent from my moto g(6) forge using Tapatalk


People with dementia simply end up getting it. They are like 3 years old in daycare. Trust me it is just not highly reported but this is a fact.


----------



## WHALENARD (Feb 21, 2010)

33red said:


> People with dementia simply end up getting it. They are like 3 years old in daycare. Trust me it is just not highly reported but this is a fact.


Due to having more partners/intercourse?

Sent from my moto g(6) forge using Tapatalk


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

WHALENARD said:


> Due to having more partners/intercourse?
> 
> Sent from my moto g(6) forge using Tapatalk


They end up in centers, not remembering they are married with lots of free time. Things happen. It only takes 1 infected person and ... You have heard of the regular cases of popsicle. Here upnorth they are found allmost undress in minus 20 sometimes frozen solid. Well they just do not realize what they do. That is why they are locked to protect them from themselves. Family members can go out with them but we are then their parents protecting them even if they were our parents for decades.


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Wow. I'm really looking forward to the retirement home now.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Lone Rager said:


> Wow. I'm really looking forward to the retirement home now.


just pray your eyesight is gone by then.


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

33red said:


> People with dementia simply end up getting it. They are like 3 years old in daycare. Trust me it is just not highly reported but this is a fact.


I certainly don't miss the days when my 3 year old would come home from daycare with STDs...


----------



## jabrabu (Aug 2, 2010)

Speaking of retirement homes,

At the retirement home Bob walked up to Gladys and said, "Hi! It's my birthday today."
Gladys said, "Wait, let me guess how old you are."
She then put her hand down Bob's pants and felt around for a few minutes, and then she said, "You are 83."
Bob said, "Wow, how could you tell that?"
Gladys replied, "Your friend Dave told me this morning."


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Harold is a sensitive new age gentleman. He is 90 years of age.

Harold trundles up to the pharmacy.

"Yes , what do want Harold ", asks the Pharmacist.

Harold responds "I want a 6 pack of viagra, with each tablet cut in quarters"

"Why Harold, a quarter of a Viagra tablet will not give you a full erection" says the Pharmacist.

"I know that" replies Harold "but at least it will be long enough so I don't pee on my slippers"


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

A/C in Az said:


> Don't forget that the senior population has the highest rate of STD's due to that "not worrying about getting pregnant" part and the easy access to Viagra.


Actually, that's not true:

"What groups are most at risk for acquiring an STI?
While anyone can become infected with an STI, certain groups, including young people and gay and bisexual men are at greatest risk.
CDC estimates that nearly 20 million new sexually transmitted infections occur every year in this country.
Young people (ages 15-24) account for 50% of all new STIs, although they represent just 25% of the sexually experienced population.
Both young men and young women are heavily affected by STDs - but young women face the most serious long-term health consequences. It is estimated that undiagnosed STDs cause 24,000 women to become infertile each year.
Compared to older adults, sexually active adolescents 15-19 years of age and young adults 20-24 years of age are at higher risk for acquiring STIs for a combination of behavioral, biological, and cultural reasons.
The higher prevalence of STIs among adolescents reflects multiple barriers to accessing quality STI prevention services, including lack of insurance or other inability to pay, lack of transportation, discomfort with facilities and services designed for adults, and concerns about confidentiality."

But yeah, getting pregnant is not the only reason for practicing safe sex.

I gotta wonder about all these old folks claiming to be interested in having sex. In my experience as a medical provider, the desire to have sex decreases with age, few postmenopausal women want to have sex, and men lose the desire to have sex over time; not to mention that men lose the ability to have sex.

When I was working in nursing homes we had some promiscuous folks, mostly men, though some women. It was bad enough that we had to move a couple ladies to other units because we had a few men who were preying on women. I prescribed depo provera to one man who was going into women's rooms and having no consensual sex. I don't know that it helped all that much as it didn't reduce his desire ... nor did telling him to knock that shite off.


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Funny joke, Ben. But seriously..............nah. Fuggetaboutit. This is a joke forum. My question has no place here.
-Ray


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Nursing homes are a different world, as are some of the folks who live there...

My favorites are the screamers. I'd come in and there staff would immediately tell me to "fix that one first".

Screamers: "nurse, nurse, nurse, ...."

It could go on for hours, and the staff can't close the door because that's overly restrictive ?



Radium said:


> Funny joke, Ben. But seriously..............nah. Fuggetaboutit. This is a joke forum. My question has no place here.
> -Ray


----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)

I don'[t know where nurse ben got his info since he didn't list a source, but....

https://www.aarp.org/health/conditi...rs_sex_lives_are_up_and_so_are_std_cases.html


> Across the nation, and especially in communities that attract a lot of older Americans, the free-love generation is continuing to enjoy an active - if not always healthy - sex life.
> 
> At a stage in life when many would expect sexually transmitted diseases to be waning, aging baby boomers are once again busting stereotypes, setting records and breaking rules.


Recent increases of 43% in one year.
STD's are 83% higher than a couple years ago.

Google std's among seniors
Many medical sources and they all confirm that the younger generations are having less sex, have fewer diseases, and the seniors are popping viagra like candy.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

My wife told me i need to stop behaving like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. 
Me: Make your mind up!

Some mornings I wake up grumpy, on other days I let her sleep in.

My wife is like a newspaper, a new issue everyday.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. We went out, had drinks and it turns out he’s a web designer.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.

Today my wife left me because I am insecure. Oh wait! She's back, she just went to get coffee.

To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.

I spent $100 on a new belt that didn't fit, my wife said it was a huge waist.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump Day


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Why Seniors never change their passwords:

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER :
Cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER
Boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:

Sorry, that password is already in use


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

^^^HAhahaha!^^^^

You know, Tribble, in this forum, mistakenly substituting the T for a D in your screen name could have serious (hilarious) consequences!


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

TheBaldBlur said:


>


Yet, one of the only consistent things in that young ladies life......


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Radium said:


> ^^^HAhahaha!^^^^
> 
> You know, Tribble, in this forum, mistakenly substituting the T for a D in your screen name could have serious (hilarious) consequences!


Please No Typos!!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1313899


how true that is.....


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

^^^^Wise man!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Good one 'Licious!^^^^^


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ love it! Some of us will remember this guy


----------



## riyadh (Feb 13, 2015)




----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

^^^  No real humor there. Please, can people just get back to panic and over-reaction.


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

BlueCheesehead said:


> ^^^  No real humor there. Please, can people just get back to panic and over-reaction.


It sucks when satire doesn't even approach the reality of a situation.


----------



## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

2old said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Is that because you have no friends, therefore cant get it


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Ready to wipe out a lot of the population.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

That is what some orange master dictates.
- Scott towels
- **** paper
- a free wall
- No country will let them out.
- Greatest wall street lost, a gift from the greatest looser.
- Just in time to cancel the election...


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

33red said:


> That is what some orange master dictates.
> - Scott towels
> - **** paper
> - a free wall
> ...


Please keep the politics off the board as the rules state. This is a joke thread, correct?


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

Dirtrider127 said:


> Please keep the politics off the board as the rules state. This is a joke thread, correct?


Well said. I come here to read about bikes- not politics. I just unfollowed worldwide cyclery on youtube for crossing that line.


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

I've noticed Trumpsters are becoming *very* touchy lately. I wonder why?


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

^^^

Was there a joke in there?

Take it elsewhere.


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

BlueCheesehead said:


> ^^^
> 
> Was there a joke in there?


"Trumpsters"


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

honkinunit said:


> I've noticed Trumpsters are becoming *very* touchy lately. I wonder why?


 Probably because the the nevertrumpsters only want to fight like Biden does.
I didn't start this political crap on here but I won't sit idly by while my views are mocked. I thought this was a joke thread not a podium for propaganda?!


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

metalskool said:


> Probably because the the nevertrumpsters only want to fight like Biden does.
> I didn't start this political crap on here but I won't sit idly by while my views are mocked. I thought this was a joke thread not a podium for propaganda?!


I don't want to fight, I just want you to pull your heads out of your asses and actually make a reasoned judgement on what your idiot leaders are saying and doing. Trump said just yesterday, don't worry about coronavirus, it will be going away. What kind of leadership is that? Your Presidential Medal of Honor winner Rushbo said coronavirus is just like the common cold and is a left wing conspiracy against Trump.

Use your ****ing brains and we won't make fun of you.


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

honkinunit said:


> I don't want to fight


 Sounds to me like you do. AGAIN, I thought this was a joke thread not a political podium. I come here to read about bikes not politics.


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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

I know you're singing this...


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

The name of the thread is 50+ joke thread. Please keep it as such and not ruin the fun of the many posts here.

FB has plenty of areas to post political views if you feel the urge. (or so I'm told since I choose not to have an account on social media, other than MTB sites) Carry on...


----------



## be1 (Sep 4, 2013)

Dirtrider127 said:


> The name of the thread is 50+ joke thread. Please keep it as such and not ruin the fun of the many posts here.
> 
> FB has plenty of areas to post political views if you feel the urge. (or so I'm told since I choose not to have an account on social media, other than MTB sites) Carry on...


dude. where can you go to get cogent political opinions? i always go here. doesn't everybody? :bluefrown:


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

be1 said:


> dude. where can you go to get cogent political opinions? i always go here. doesn't everybody? :bluefrown:


Indeed, this site is known for polite and thoughtful discussion of politics, as some of the recent posts show.

Not.

If anyone wishes to write or rant one way or the other about our president, please do it elsewhere. I don't think it's possible to mention his name without starting a ruckus.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

I appologize. You do not have to react so hard because you do not see the brigthess smartess most stable genius considering scotttowels a top solution very funny like i do.
I know 2 canadians stupid enough to drive south in the next few weeks.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Back to jokes:

A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don't end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

And...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Back to real issues of concern like fibre

*5 Great Toilet Paper Recipes For Idiots Who Forgot To Buy Food *









You've contracted coronavirus, you've been told you need to self-isolate for 14 days, and instead of buying things you actually might need - like food - you bought 80-dozen rolls of toilet paper. Whoops!

Luckily, there are some creative ways to bring those 960 rolls of 3-ply to life in a range of delicious dishes.

*Spag Bog Roll*: Everyone has their own take on this family classic. Some people use red wine, others add caramelised onions, while others still like to include shredded carrots. Unfortunately because you're a dumbass you don't have any food - so you're going to need to take it back to basics.

Tear 4 x bog rolls into long thin strips. Heat in a saucepan of boiling water for 8-9 minutes or until they dissolve in a mush on your teeth. Drain, then serve. You can freeze any leftovers for later in your self-isolation period.

*Chicko Toilet Rolls*:Find as much random **** from around the house as you can - doesn't matter if you don't know what it is - stuff it all into a roll of toilet paper, heat in a microwave for 30 seconds, leave uncovered for 8 hours, then serve in a small paper bag. Some people will vomit it up immediately which is a great way to get your filling for the next batch.

*Spring Toilet Rolls*: Deep-fry a dozen toilet paper rolls, drain, place on a small white plate, then eat before they have properly cooled down.

*Sushi Toilet Rolls*: Toilet paper is traditionally eaten cooked, but this Japanese delicacy throws that idea on its head. Simply take a roll of toilet paper out of the packet and eat it raw. Engine oil and green paint make great substitutes for dipping sauces. Try to find toilet paper rolls that you've panic-bought recently - the fresher the better!

*Sausage Toilet Rolls*: You probably haven't thought to buy any meat for your isolation, but that's ok, because sausage rolls don't have meat in them anyway. Heat a roll of toilet paper in a pie warmer for 24-36 hours. Serve cold in a bag.


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1308277


That's friggin' awesome.


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

Gasp4Air said:


> Indeed, this site is known for polite and thoughtful discussion of politics, as some of the recent posts show.
> 
> Not.
> 
> If anyone wishes to write or rant one way or the other about our president, please do it elsewhere. I don't think it's possible to mention his name without starting a ruckus.


Interesting, he's not our pres and we rant about him without being political at all.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

NordieBoy said:


> Interesting, he's not our pres and we rant about him without being political at all.


If anyone wishes to write or rant one way or the other about the U.S. president, please do it elsewhere. I don't think it's possible to mention his name without starting a ruckus.

Fixed it.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1316991


true that


----------



## Finch Platte (Nov 14, 2003)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1316625


I love how they took the time to Photoshop a roll of TP onto a plate, instead of simply getting a roll and a plate and taking a pic.


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

I know your singing this one too! Black sabbath-


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Gasp4Air said:


> If anyone wishes to write or rant one way or the other about the U.S. president, please do it elsewhere...


But isn't this the joke thread?


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Velobike said:


> But isn't this the joke thread?


Admirers and detractors have called him many things, but but I don't recall "funny" being one of them.


----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

Folks, I appreciate a good argument as much as anyone, and I've gotten into some good ones on internet forums. But I think all of us also like to come to places like the 50+ joke forum for some relief. Could we please, please drop all political discussion here? No more replies, no more trying to get in the last word, no more defenses or explanations of previously posted political material. No more lateral references to political figures. Let's just drop it and move on.

I wish I had a good joke to post to help us move on, but alas, on this forum I am a shameless consumer, not a producer.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

paramount3 said:


> Folks, I appreciate a good argument as much as anyone, and I've gotten into some good ones on internet forums. But I think all of us also like to come to places like the 50+ joke forum for some relief. Could we please, please drop all political discussion here? No more replies, no more trying to get in the last word, no more defenses or explanations of previously posted political material. No more lateral references to political figures. Let's just drop it and move on.
> 
> I wish I had a good joke to post to help us move on, but alas, on this forum I am a shameless consumer, not a producer.


Members on this site are from all around the world.
In many countries people laugh at adversity.
If you do not that is out of our control.
After a tsunami, an earthquake many jokes cover those tragedies.
The orange simili king said many times he is not a politician.
Talking about a political subject means you consider him a liar.
People were not listening to the reality show to learn about business,
he is a bouffon, they were laughing about him just like all real Billionaires and all people in NY.
Do not worry he is banning us out so you will live in your own ...


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

just sad......
Gonna ride my bike


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

Dirtrider127 said:


> just sad......
> Gonna ride my bike


~agreed, I rode mine today, no joke!


----------



## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

...


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

The symptoms of the Coronavirus seem to be the same as a hilltop finish in a local bike race.

Except people are clapping and happy to see you in that condition.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

If you have to make a political point in a joke thread... please be funny.

Otherwise someone is bound to throw in some religion too


----------



## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

I have 16 rolls of Charmin and only 300 rounds of ammunition to defend it. Should I be worried?


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

This must must be the miracle of the 10 rolls of toilet paper that wiped 10,000 butts.


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

OldBlue950 said:


> I have 16 rolls of Charmin and only 300 rounds of ammunition to defend it. Should I be worried?


Absolutely.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

DeadGrandpa said:


> I didn't ride my bike today because of the pollen, to which my fiancee is allergic. But I thought about riding my bike, and that thought displaced all negative thoughts about El Presidente.


Since our snow fat season will end soon i started at 6H under the moon, climbed to enjoy the sunrise at 7H, had breakfast at 9H, went for a second ride and was real tired by 12 with a huge smile. You so called **americans** are the best! That orange thing a few voted for is my prefered color sunrise/sunset. 
With all my love and sympathy i send you my second ride.
Today will be colder i might squeeze in 3 rides, please find a joke i need to sleep a bit.
Here is a joke...
i love foetus
i love guns
i am a foetus killer
If you do not laugh you are a republican get cured.


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

so now we've crossed the joke thread into bashing republicans and praising abortions? Wow, this is going bad fast.


----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

33red said:


> Since our snow fat season will end soon i started at 6H under the moon, climbed to enjoy the sunrise at 7H, had breakfast at 9H, went for a second ride and was real tired by 12 with a huge smile. You so called **americans** are the best! That orange thing a few voted for is my prefered color sunrise/sunset.
> With all my love and sympathy i send you my second ride.
> Today will be colder i might squeeze in 3 rides, please find a joke i need to sleep a bit.
> Here is a joke...
> ...


Please seek out help, and I'm not talking about the virus.

Now can we get back to funny old fart jokes?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

^^^^ This will be worst than any virus can throw at you


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

Chuck Norris has just been exposed to the corona virus. The virus is now in isolation for 14 days.


----------



## honkinunit (Aug 6, 2004)

Illinois has closed all bars and restaurants, but some in Southern Illinois are defying the order, proving that So. Ill. is not just an abbreviation, it is a way of life.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

and a great song to boot! I had to listen to it a few times after reading this post. I especially enjoyed the 1974 Rainbow Fest version. Man, those guys sound good live!!



metalskool said:


> I know your singing this one too! Black sabbath-


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

OldBlue950 said:


> I have 16 rolls of Charmin and only 300 rounds of ammunition to defend it. Should I be worried?


Only if the virus makes people into zombies ....


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1317857


Nice one! Ha Ha


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Throwback Thursday! Remember the good ol days?


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## Ericmopar (Aug 23, 2003)

I'm looking for volunteers, for my Human Anticipated Repopulation Emergency Management project. 

Perks include the good stuff, varieties of 2 and 3 ply TP.


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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Dirtrider127 said:


> Please seek out help, and I'm not talking about the virus.
> 
> Now can we get back to funny old fart jokes?


He means well, in a recent-major-blunt-force-head-trauma kinda way.


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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Nurse Ben said:


> I'm contemplating bringing it back ... would you hate me?


It should be spackled with blue cheese, not that I am advocating major violence against bluecheesehead or anything even close..


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)




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## Utilitrack (Jul 13, 2017)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

y'ah filthy animal


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Our best family argument every year around Christmas:

What's your favorite "Home Alone" movie?

I go for the original!


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## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Radium said:


> It should be spackled with blue cheese, not that I am advocating major violence against bluecheesehead or anything even close..


Glad to hear any violence coming my way will not be "major".


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will likely receive another economic stimulus.

It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.



Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.



Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?

A: No, only a smidgen of it.



Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.



Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with your stimulus check. Use it wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* if you spend it on gasoline, it money will go to the Arabs.

* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.

* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.

* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.



Instead, keep the money in America by:

(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or

(2) Going to a ballgame, or

(3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

(4) Beer, or

(5) Tattoos

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

Now all we need is a ballgame.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Dirtrider127 (Sep 17, 2010)

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing?” He exclaimed.

“This is My Love Dress.” She replied.

“Needs ironing,” he said.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Lol!!!^^


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## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

Home made stuck in the house covid-19 joke.

Dave: “So i got one of them new fangled electric bikes.”
Frank: “How do you like it?”
Dave: “Not so much.”
Frank: “Why’s that?”
Dave: swats a mosquito and says... “Every time i plugged my bug zapper into it, the motor would overheat!”


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## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

*For those jonesing for a bike race...*

4 stages available:


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

^^^ I won't be un-seeing that one for a while....


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

I would have waited, and taken a second picture when she smells her fingers.

Maybe that's a given.


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## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

And we wonder why germs spread like mad.

Gross!!

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


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## WHALENARD (Feb 21, 2010)

Gnar

Sent from my moto g(6) forge using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

BlueCheesehead said:


> CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
> 
> Now all we need is a ballgame.


Surely the professional lady would provide that as one of her services...


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

Warning!!!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock", Do Not Open It! 

I did and it was a Jehovah Witness working from home.

Took me 15 minutes to read all the way to the end!


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## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

Lol^^

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


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## jcd46 (Jul 25, 2012)

Good news!


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

jcd46 said:


> Good news!


Damn! Im moving to the States, with 10g lll get at least 3 new bikes


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Velobike said:


>


I guess the punch line is whether you crap in the toilette or the yard, you're still missing the TP.


----------



## Catmandoo (Dec 20, 2018)

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies,
“The asshole had a paper route."


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## telemike (Jun 20, 2011)

My favorite thread currently - just what's needed.

By the way Bluecheesehead, for months I scrolled off that first screen on page 7 as fast as I could. I did not want to see that again. When I read your thread, I cracked up.


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## ksj (Aug 31, 2019)

Just think. In 8 weeks 88% of blondes on earth will disappear.


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## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

ksj said:


> Just think. In 8 weeks 88% of blondes on earth will disappear.


That's the worst news in a month!

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I am pleased and not surprised that coffee has remains a necessity


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Thats hilarious^^^


----------



## 2old (Aug 31, 2015)

.









Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)

Finch Platte said:


> I love how they took the time to Photoshop a roll of TP onto a plate, instead of simply getting a roll and a plate and taking a pic.


Maybe they didn't have any due to the panic buying


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

"_most_ notorious"...Egads...you mean there are others?


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Around this time of year my 'girl friend' likes to refer to me as the keister bunny

...for reasons that are best left unsaid.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1324155


Reminds me of one that I'm sure has made the rounds:

A guy loses a tennis match at the club to his friend and claims if it weren't for his tennis elbow he would have won. His friend happens to be an orthopedic surgeon with a specialty in sports medicine. He suggests the guy make an appointment with his office and instructs him to bring a urine sample. "Urine sample, what the hell has that got to do with my elbow?" The doc say "Just bring it".

So the day of the appointment arrives and the guy decides to have some fun with his friend. He convinces his wife to give him a sample of her urine instead. As if that weren't enough, he mixes in a bit of his dog's poop from the yard. And to top it all off, he whizzes off into it as well.

He goes in, hands the sample to the nurse and waits for his appointment, barely able to keep from laughing.

Finally, he sits down with his doctor pal and says with a straight face, "So what did you find out?".

"First of all," the doc says, "your wife's pregnant". "Second, your dog has worms. And if you don't stop jerking off, that elbow's never going to get better".

badaboom


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1324573


No shite!


----------



## BlueCheesehead (Jul 17, 2010)

What's a bank teller?


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

BlueCheesehead said:


> What's a bank teller?


A good ATM.
You know, the 1 with sexy legs!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Catmandoo (Dec 20, 2018)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

...


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Sexy seniors....

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

Velobike said:


> Sexy seniors....
> 
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
> Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
> ...


That joke never gets old.

Lolz

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

ravewoofer said:


> That joke never gets old.
> 
> Lolz
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Unless you're the guy leaning against the fence 

I wish I had a good joke to add ...

Wait, here's one:

What's brown and sticky?


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Nurse Ben said:


> Unless you're the guy leaning against the fence
> 
> I wish I had a good joke to add ...
> 
> ...


A stick


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

Ouch.


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Catmandoo said:


> View attachment 1325347


Priceless.


----------



## UpTheAnte (Mar 7, 2018)

xxx


----------



## UpTheAnte (Mar 7, 2018)

xxx


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## UpTheAnte (Mar 7, 2018)

xxx


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Velobike said:


>


Never worn a kilt with nothing under it and probably never will.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Mr Pig said:


> Never worn a kilt with nothing under it and probably never will.


Ooooooh! Thank you, I was struggling with this one.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Crimpcap said:


> Ooooooh! Thank you, I was struggling with this one.


Struggling?


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Mr Pig said:


> Struggling?


struggling
/ˈstrəɡliNG/

adjective
striving to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance.
"these figures suggest more bad news for struggling homeowners"

Sorry....I did not get the joke.


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Crimpcap said:


> Sorry....I did not get the joke.


Not to worry. I'm sure your English will improve.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Mr Pig said:


> Never worn a kilt with nothing under it and probably never will.


Oh, that's a little penis and some nutz, got that!


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Nurse Ben said:


> Oh, that's a little penis and some nutz, got that!


I am going to beat Mr Pig to it!

nutz?


----------



## Mr Pig (Jun 25, 2008)

Nurse Ben said:


> Oh, that's a little penis and some nutz, got that!


I don't want to go on show because my tinky is very small.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Mr Pig said:


> I don't want to go on show because my tinky is very small.


noted


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Or as we kilt wearers in Scotland say when asked what is worn under the kilt

"Nothing's worn under my kilt,

It's all in good working order"


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1328773


That is just hilarious.
That is my case.
I still enjoy the birds, the trees, the sun . . .
and riding


----------



## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

^^^ I have been thinking for a couple of weeks that my life has changed but very little. Bike riding, home projects, hot tub, wine, sleep until 10 or 11 and do it all again.


----------



## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1328773


Lol same here.

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

It's definitely changed for. Now I have to dodge way more social distancers on the trails and paths.


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Lone Rager said:


> It's definitely changed for. Now I have to dodge way more social distancers on the trails and paths.


Yeah... What's up with all of these new people hiking in the woods all of a sudden??


----------



## Aglo (Dec 16, 2014)

NYrr496 said:


> Yeah... What's up with all of these new people hiking in the woods all of a sudden??


Yeah, like "Oh! I know, I'm going to be smarter than anyone else and go hiking the local trails."
I saw more people on my local trails in the last couple of months than in the last 7 years together, and I'm not exaggerating.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

NYrr496 said:


> Yeah... What's up with all of these new people hiking in the woods all of a sudden??


I never knew there were so many walkers, dog walkers, "runners" and cyclists (although most of the cyclists are on the road and not many venture onto forest trails) Before the pandemic I had the trails and sidewalks to myself... now I'm dodging crowds


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

NYrr496 said:


> Yeah... What's up with all of these new people hiking in the woods all of a sudden??


They realized that too much time inside is actually too much and maybe there is more to live than a sofa, a beer, and the tele.

I'm kinda pleasantly suprised at how many folks are getting out, but it is kinda annoying to be dodging them during my rides...


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Nurse Ben said:


> They realized that too much time inside is actually too much and maybe there is more to live than a sofa, a beer, and the tele.
> 
> I'm kinda pleasantly suprised at how many folks are getting out, but it is kinda annoying to be dodging them during my rides...


That is called "working from home."


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

They want to stay sane... they escape from family


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

33red said:


> They want to stay sane... they escape from family


Way too many are bringing the entire freakin' extended family along. I was on a tight narrow single track yesterday and some guy was struggling pushing a double wide stroller with two kids along it. Other spots there were groups of 5-6+ people/kids dallying along the trail.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Working from home sucks! As in sucks you life away. I like my home, but it's not home if I have to work at my job, do not like it Sam I am.

Same thing goes for working remote, doing telehealth is mind numbing, I've been doing it half time for a couple years, but it's when I went to all the time that I realized how unfulfilling it had become.

I'm in the process of ditching telehealth, apparently I like people ?



Crimpcap said:


> That is called "working from home."


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

Back to jokes:

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Lone Rager said:


> Way too many are bringing the entire freakin' extended family along. I was on a tight narrow single track yesterday and some guy was struggling pushing a double wide stroller with two kids along it. Other spots there were groups of 5-6+ people/kids dallying along the trail.


I find if you cough politely a few times, they all jump 20 feet off the trail...


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

efc


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

A young aspiring Magician and Entertainer, by the name of Richard Van Lesbian, made an appointment to see the Irish Club's entertainment Manager. 

"What can you do ?" asks Mick the entertainment Manager.

" Well ", answers Richard, " I can juggle 8 billiard balls and a 5 kg shot put and sing Phantom of the Opera back to front." 

"Sorry," says Mick, "No gigs here mate for you".

So Richard, disappointed, goes away and spends the next 18 months practising and perfecting his repertoire. 

He sees Mick again and tells him he can now juggle 12 billiard Balls and 7 kg Shot putt, singing back to front the Lords Prayer in Latin, whilst riding a uniicycle backwards.

"Sorry," says Mick, "No gig, mate."

"Why?" asks Richard.

"Well," responds Mick, "with a name like 'Richard Van Lesbian' you've got no chance up here." 

A year later, Mick is watching the Queen's Annual Variety Show on BBC, and lo and behold there's Richard who has just spellbound the audience with his magically riveting performance.

Mick rings him the next day, "How did you get that gig?"

Richard responds, "I took your advice and changed my name."

"To what?" asks Mick.

Says Richard, "I changed it to Dick van ****."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Good reason to keep it clean back there 



cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1330885


----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

Super mask


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Liverpool council have found over 200 dead crows along Victoria road west this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. 

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with bicycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

Liverpool Council then hired an Ornithological expert to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of bicycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological expert quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah Cah ", not a single one could shout "Bike"!!!


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Velobike said:


> ...crows could shout "Cah Cah "...


Sounds like Boston crows.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1333955


This guy obviously doesn't know how much I spend keeping my bike(s) rolling.


----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

Velobike said:


> Liverpool council have found over 200 dead crows along Victoria road west this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
> 
> A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
> 
> ...


I thought this was going to end with "CORVID-19" somehow


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

paramount3 said:


> I thought this was going to end with "CORVID-19" somehow


We're back to crows?

(you guys are pretty slow so I better point out that corvid is the scientific familly name for crows.)


----------



## telemike (Jun 20, 2011)

Lone Rager said:


> We're back to crows?
> 
> (you guys are pretty slow so I better point out that corvid is the scientific familly name for crows.)


Could that actually could be corvus?


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Now's the time to stock up before the second wave


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## huckleberry hound (Feb 27, 2015)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1334847


This qualifies as a date in my house.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

huckleberry hound said:


> This qualifies as a date in my house.


Expensive one at that!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1335059


Ok, he's done what he was asked. What's the punch line?


----------



## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

Lol, makes sense to me!

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Don't what's happening to the pics -double loading, so trying to delete extra pic.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

^ so true!


----------



## Haggis (Jan 21, 2004)

Hell yes, there are muppets over here burning cell towers FFS

Haven’t quite achieved Trumps level of weapons grade stupidity but we are working on it..


----------



## 940TXYC (May 17, 2020)

paramount3 said:


> Folks, I appreciate a good argument as much as anyone, and I've gotten into some good ones on internet forums. But I think all of us also like to come to places like the 50+ joke forum for some relief. Could we please, please drop all political discussion here? No more replies, no more trying to get in the last word, no more defenses or explanations of previously posted political material. No more lateral references to political figures. Let's just drop it and move on.
> 
> I wish I had a good joke to post to help us move on, but alas, on this forum I am a shameless consumer, not a producer.


As a newbie to the forum I say "amen" to this post!


----------



## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

Haggis said:


> Hell yes, there are muppets over here burning cell towers FFS
> 
> Haven't quite achieved Trumps level of weapons grade stupidity but we are working on it..


I'm so sick of the political bullshit in this thread.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Here we go again. Listen, I know some of you hold positions that makes you a-holes. And I hold positions that makes me an a-hole to some of you. So let's be a-holes. BUT NOT ON THIS THREAD. Please? Thank you. Ok.


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

metalskool said:


> I'm so sick of the political bullshit in this thread.


Amen!


----------



## MattMay (Dec 24, 2013)

+1000


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Talking of political issues:

It's a shame nothing is made in this country anymore.

I just bought a new TV and in big red letters on the side of the box it says "Built in Antenna".

I've no idea where that is...


----------



## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

*May Joe R.I.P.*

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

As Phyllis Diller said, a Peeping Tom once reached in and pulled down the shade.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday


----------



## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> Throwback Thursday
> 
> View attachment 1336831


 Took me a while but...:lol::lol::lol:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1337029


yes. but always front to back!


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

So glad I discovered this.

As soon as I find my shears the govt isn't going to be able to track me anymore.

Apparently you'll know if there was a tracker in the antenna if you hear a hissing noise when you remove it.

But one question, should I do this to my bike wheels as well?


----------



## Eric Malcolm (Dec 18, 2011)

LOL

Since all your tyres will be flat, you will not be going anywhere, so no need to track you.

Excellent solution.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

Get your stickin' spy cams out of my house!


----------



## Fat-in-Fundy (Feb 21, 2015)

Velobike said:


>


One of the best I've seen in a while! Sent this to my dad and he's still laughing!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

My nephew named me doody


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

It was just before Christmas.

Three old guys, been on the booze, crashed their car and perished.

At the front entrance of the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter.

St.Peter interrogated the first oldie.

"I'm feeling benevolent," , said St Peter. "It's nearly Christmas, I'll let you in if you can show me something you have that can relate to Chistmas."

The first oldie swiftly pulled out of his pocket his car keys and rattled them. 

"What's that got to do with Christmas", asked St Peter.

"Jingle bells, Jingle bells..."

"That's a bit weak" stated St Peter "but I'll let you in anyway. First cloud on the left."

He went through the same process with the second oldie, who produced a mobile phone and googled the song "On the first day of christmas ..." " 

"OK you're in," said St Peter, "Second Cloud on the left."

St Peter asked the 3rd oldie what did he have that related to Christmas.

The oldie rummaged around in his pockets and pulled out a pair of lacey red panties.

"What's that got to do with Xmas?" asked St Peter.

The oldie replied "Because they're Carol's..."


----------



## Tommy E (Oct 30, 2019)

Not quite 50 yet but this thread always cracks me up so I'll contribute- 

A couple is lying in bed the night before their 50th wedding anniversary and the wife says to her husband that she would like to enjoy their anniversary tomorrow morning like they did when they were first married. The husband asks what does she mean and she replies that she wants to wake up and enjoy a breakfast together in the nude like they did in their early years. He reluctantly agrees as he sees no real harm in it. The next morning, his wife pops out of bed and greets him at the table stark naked to start enjoying their breakfast together in the nude. He and his wife say their Happy Anniversary's to each other and begin enjoying their breakfast and each others company. His wife then glares at him romantically and tells him that her breasts are as hot for him today as they were 50 years ago, he replies that's because ones in your oatmeal and the other one is in your coffee.


----------



## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Good one! :thumbsup:


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Many of us grew up reading MAD magazine and one of the best parts of MAD magazine was Al Jaffee's clever back cover fold ins.

Mad magazine legend Al Jaffee retires at age 99 after a record-breaking career


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

cyclelicious said:


> Many of us grew up reading MAD magazine and one of the best parts of MAD magazine was Al Jaffee's clever back cover fold ins.
> 
> Mad magazine legend Al Jaffee retires at age 99 after a record-breaking career


Asternuts, Dr. Killjoy (The patient just perspired!), spyVSspy, The Naitional Perspirer (Man beats wife with cooked caulifower).. I loved MAD. what wise-ass kid wouldn't?


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Dunno how the other pics got there.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ it can happen :eekster:


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

McDonald's


I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So, when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness. 

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. 

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over. 

Don't honk your horn at old people.


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

That is a gem


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Worth remembering whenever seriousness starts to intrude on life...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump Day


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Lol


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

New Zealand discovered the answer to the question we've never thought to ask.


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Tribble Me said:


> ...I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn ...When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too...


 Reminds me of a "true" story my dad told me about the Depression. He was outside a restaurant when I well dressed gentleman approached him and said, "Hello. It looks like you haven't had a good meal in a while. Let me buy you lunch." My dad said, "Why thank you sir," and walked in with him where the gentleman said, "Order whatever you'd like." As they were finishing up, the gentleman looked at his watch and said, "I've got a meeting I have to get to. I'll go to the cashier and when I point to you, raise your hand so I can tell them I'm paying for you to." My dad took his time. As he was leaving, he waved at the cashier who said, "Where are you going? You need to pay for your and the other gentleman's bill." He took off running with the cashier in pursuit pointing at my dad and yelling, "Hey you! Stop!" So my dad kept running, pointing ahead and yelling, "Hey you. Stop!"


----------



## WHALENARD (Feb 21, 2010)

Velobike said:


> New Zealand discovered the answer to the question we've never thought to ask.


Lol!

Sent from my moto g(6) forge using Tapatalk


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

My grandfather was one of seven boys growing up in the depression in rural Alabama. He used to tell a story about one day when he was splitting wood and talking to the neighbor. The dinner bell rang and he swung the axe and put it into the chopping block. As he turned to run to the house he tripped over a piece of wood that he had split and fell. He got up and started splitting wood again. 

The neighbor asked "Aren't you going to go eat?" 

My grandfather replied "It's too late now."

True story!


----------



## ksj (Aug 31, 2019)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, 
'If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. 
If you're laughing, send me your smile. 
If you're eating, send me a bite. 
If you're drinking, send me a sip. 
If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!' 
I replied, 'I'm on the toilet, please advise…'


----------



## TangoDancer (Jul 13, 2020)

Hilarious. I didn't know this was actually a thing. I was named 'Poopa' which to a 2 year old was grandpa. Poopa has stuck.


----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

More access to information just exaggerates stoopidity, as you can see from the current state of the world.

I want to come back as cockroach.



A/C in Az said:


>


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

I promised my son I'd send him a nice picture of a pair of bouncing boobies.










He's not talking to me now.

I've no idea what I've done wrong.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Just be careful what supplements you're using. Apparently some don't turn you into Lance Armstrong...


----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1359975


How did you get that picture of me? And I never stole any candy bars.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

They're in their 70's!


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

One morning, a TV news host is interviewing a man who just turned 106 years old.

How do you explain your longevity? asked the host.

I wake up each morning at 5:30, I walk for an hour every day, I never eat red meat or sweets, I never smoked, and I go to bed at 9 every night. In short I lead a healthy life!

Suddenly there is a loud bang and a commotion in the other room.

What was that? the host asks.

Oh, don’t worry, that was my father coming home from the bar.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I did this this morning at the gas station... for a minute I thought things were back to normal


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Yup, that's me showing someone how to do something...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Ahoy!


----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

*And one more because it's Wednesday*


----------



## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> View attachment 1365897


This is something my stepdaughter or wife might do.

Scary.


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

Tribble Me said:


>


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1366719


This cartoon made me think of Thufir Hawat from the movie Dune (1984)


----------



## screamingbunny (Mar 24, 2004)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump Day!


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Velobike said:


> View attachment 1368141


No matter how hard I try, this seems to be the case most days.

I was "officially" forbidden from eating dried apricots. On a family road trip, while I was in the restroom, someone tossed out my bag of dried apricots ... jealous I guess.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

This car will go on...


----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

The CoVid closures of pubs and restaurants are making the southerners in the UK unhappy. Luckily we Scots had a good upbringing and are ready for it...


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## A/C in Az (Jan 14, 2019)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

HOT AND COLD. Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty.

"Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns. 
The doctor then said to
her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and
sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August."


----------



## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

Tribble Me said:


> HOT AND COLD. Hot and Cold Sex
> 
> After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
> health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
> ...


LOL!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

and one of my all time favourite songs


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Not sure if this is a joke...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## metalskool (Feb 6, 2019)

cyclelicious said:


>


That pretty much sums up my fifties so far...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

An oldie but goodie


This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”. 

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? 

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. 

The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.


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## Tommy E (Oct 30, 2019)

I read this thread daily as it always cracks me up and brightens my day. Thank you so much to all those who have continued to add regularly. 

Here's another-

This old guy is sitting on a park bench continuously crying. This young lady walks up to him and asks him what's wrong, and he replies, I'm a retired millionaire, I have numerous exotic vehicles, several boats and even a yacht. I also have a mansion with young beautiful 24 year old wife. My life is what most others only dream of having. The young lady says, then why are you crying, your life sounds amazing. He replies, I can't remember where I live.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> An oldie but goodie
> The moral of this story is....
> Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.


Another: 
An elderly lady was waiting patiently in the parking lot of a busy shopping center (Pre COVID) for a car to pull out of a parking spot.

As the car backed out a young man in a Ferrari slipped in to the spot. As he got out of the car he looked at the elderly lady and said "I can do that because I'm young and fast."

The elderly lady looked at the youngster and then put her car in gear, stomped on the accelerator and smashed his car into the pylon in front of it. When she was done wrecking his car she looked at the youngster's stunned face and said "I can do that because I'm old and rich!"


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


>


OK this is NOT FUNNY MAN! I love my cassettes!


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## paramount3 (Jul 13, 2014)

cyclelicious said:


>


A bit tangential, but when we were kids around 1975, my sister and I went through our parents record collection and found The Beatles' "Rubber Soul," which started our Beatles obsession (about a decade late, of course). That Christmas our grandmother took us to Tower Records and bought us all of the Beatles albums that we didn't already have, including the White Album. But when we got home we found that side 4 of the double album was defective and we could only play snippets. So we just played sides 1-3 over and over again. Those songs (and almost all Beatles songs) are etched in my memory, but to this day I still don't know the songs on side 4 of the White Album.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ I have good memories of cassettes as well

I grew up in northern Ontario... way up north! We only had one English speaking local radio station. (we only had one English local tv station too  ) The music they played all day was either twangy C&W or shmaltzy middle of the road. But at night... on my little transistor radio, I could get reception to American progressive radio and underground stations in Toronto or Chicago. In the early 70's I would listen to incredible classic rock, punk, "new wave" and brilliant shows like Doctor Demento etc... that I just couldn't get access to normally. I thought I was in another universe listening to these wild programs and wicked good music! When I got my first cassette player, I was able to tape these programs and music using the tiny microphone and play that stuff over and over (when I couldn't get good radio reception) until the cassettes broke. 

In addition to taping music, my friends and I used to tape our own funny skits and "radio programs" and we had a blast ! OMG the fun memories


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

I still have much of my 70's and 80's music on cassette...I didn't cave in and buy a cd player or CDs until about 2000 because they sound inferior and already many of them are scratched skippy worthless chunks of whatever. My cassettes still mostly work fine, and sound great. OK, back to the funnies...


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

When I was a kid...


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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

What, no love for 8-tracks? First time I heard Moody Blues Threshold of a Dream was on an 8-track in my neighbor's car, appropriately baked. Woah...


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

Lone Rager said:


> What, no love for 8-tracks? First time I heard Moody Blues Threshold of a Dream was on an 8-track in my neighbor's car, appropriately baked. Woah...


I used to listen to that at a rental darkroom I once used. Now I still listen to it, but at my home darkroom on cassette. The Moodys are my favorite darkroom music! (and yes I really still have one)


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## Retire (Jan 11, 2020)

A long haul trucker pulls into the parking lot of a roadside brothel. He walks in and slaps a $100 dollar bill on the counter and tells the Madam that he wants the fattest ugliest woman she has and a baloney sandwich.
The madam tells him that for a $100 dollars he can have her best girl and a steak!
You don’t understand the trucker says, I’m not horny.........I’m homesick!


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## telemike (Jun 20, 2011)

My 99 Tacoma has a cassette player. I don't have many cassettes that work any more so it usually works with a cassette adapter and a cord to my phone. Every generation of electronic stuff gets a bit better, but they all have their quirks.


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## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> ^ I have good memories of cassettes as well
> 
> I grew up in northern Ontario... way up north! We only had one English speaking local radio station. (we only had one English local tv station too  ) The music they played all day was either twangy C&W or shmaltzy middle of the road. But at night... on my little transistor radio, I could get reception to American progressive radio and underground stations in Toronto or Chicago. In the early 70's I would listen to incredible classic rock, punk, "new wave" and brilliant shows like Doctor Demento etc... that I just couldn't get access to normally. I thought I was in another universe listening to these wild programs and wicked good music! When I got my first cassette player, I was able to tape these programs and music using the tiny microphone and play that stuff over and over (when I couldn't get good radio reception) until the cassettes broke.
> 
> In addition to taping music, my friends and I used to tape our own funny skits and "radio programs" and we had a blast ! OMG the fun memories


You are so cool. There's nothing else to say.


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Hump Day!


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## NYrr496 (Sep 10, 2008)

Hahaha!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Well, I suppose that's one way to do it...


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

This looks like our trails:


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## BujiBiker (Jun 7, 2019)

^^^ This is real!


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## Carve It Up (Jun 24, 2014)

I have enjoyed this thread a great deal, thought I should add something.

Funny thing is, I used to connect with Calvin... but now more so Dad. Let it snow!


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## phishstix (Mar 15, 2020)

Gettin' lucky these days means finding your car in the parking lot


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## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)

phishstix said:


> Gettin' lucky these days means finding your car in the parking lot


On the brighter side.

As I left the hardware store the other day, I was fumbling for my car keys and could not find them.

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen.

"There was a moment of silence.

I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" she barked,

"I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me then".

"She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your [email protected]#n car!"

"Welcome to the Golden Years"


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

joeduda said:


> On the brighter side.
> 
> As I left the hardware store the other day, I was fumbling for my car keys and could not find them.
> 
> ...


This is funny as my dad always did this.
One day car gone, rings the cops, the cops took it as they saw keys in ignition.
He got a talking too, now he leaves the keys under the seat


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## phishstix (Mar 15, 2020)

joeduda said:


> On the brighter side.
> Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:
> 
> "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen.
> ...


Haha! That's a good one! What would we do without our trusty better halves? My wife doesn't miss an opportunity to remind me


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

Lol!!!


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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

A man only needs three things in life: food, shelter, and someone to blame.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

I never had to play one but I suffered through my kids playing these for school. AWFUL!


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## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Someone is going to be sleeping in the doghouse .


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## myxo (Jul 28, 2020)

Молодой рыбак спрашивает пожилого рыбака: как ты ловишь - ничего не поймал, а рыба только к тебе идет? Старик отвечает: когда пеннис попадает мне в левую ногу, я ловлю на джигу, а когда пеннис попадает в правую ногу, я ловлю мотыля. Молодой и говорит: а что, если ваш пеннис не попадет ни в правую, ни в левую ногу? - Потом бросаю рыбалку и быстро бегу к жене заниматься сексом!


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

myxo said:


> Молодой рыбак спрашивает пожилого рыбака: как ты ловишь - ничего не поймал, а рыба только к тебе идет? Старик отвечает: когда пеннис попадает мне в левую ногу, я ловлю на джигу, а когда пеннис попадает в правую ногу, я ловлю мотыля. Молодой и говорит: а что, если ваш пеннис не попадет ни в правую, ни в левую ногу? - Потом бросаю рыбалку и быстро бегу к жене заниматься сексом!


Google Translate says:
A young fisherman asks an elderly fisherman: how do you fish - you have not caught anything, but the fish only comes to you? The old man replies: when a pennis hits my left leg, I catch a jig, and when a pennis hits my right leg, I catch bloodworms. The young man says: what if your pennis doesn't hit either the right or the left leg? - Then I quit fishing and quickly run to my wife to have sex!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Myxo has clearly putin a lot of thought into this joke


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

*delete*


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> Myxo has clearly putin a lot of thought into this joke


:thumbsup:
GOLD!!!!


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cmg said:


> Google Translate says:
> A young fisherman asks an elderly fisherman: how do you fish - you have not caught anything, but the fish only comes to you? The old man replies: when a pennis hits my left leg, I catch a jig, and when a pennis hits my right leg, I catch bloodworms. The young man says: what if your pennis doesn't hit either the right or the left leg? - Then I quit fishing and quickly run to my wife to have sex!


The trouble with that joke is we all know how accurate fishermen are with size estimates...


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## DeadGrandpa (Aug 17, 2016)

I have a sticker to cover up that check engine light. Problem solved.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Throwback Thursday... when vacuuming was a strength and conditioning workout


----------



## Catmandoo (Dec 20, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ Awoooo!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Tis the season for holiday jokes....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol’s.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.
His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability
and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down
her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe...

(scroll down)...
This one is worth waiting for...








"I'm an ex-tractor fan"


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Catmandoo said:


>


Such a great video, a must watch at the holidays.

So for all you guys out there, a couple tips:

Buy your wife something she wants, not something you want

This year I bought my wife a dozen dresses that were on sale at Backcoutry.Com, I got dresses that are fun, some she can wear to work, some are so silly they're really just for giggles, BUT I don't get her a bunch of sleezy/slinky dresses cuz that would be doghouse material. This year she kept six out of twelve, BOOM!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Husband and wife at home of an evening.
Phone rings
Husband answers it, listens briefly, says “Why would I know? Call the Weather Station!” and puts the phone down.
Wife says “Who was that honey?”
“No idea, some idiot wanting to know if the coast is clear”


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Carve It Up (Jun 24, 2014)

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says "Windy isn't it?"
Second says, "No it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I, let's go get a beer."


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

I like the 3rd one.....


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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

Nurse Ben said:


> Buy your wife something she wants, not something you want
> 
> This year I bought my wife a dozen dresses


Wow, every marriage certainly is different. My wife would never want me to buy her a dress, unless I was with her when she was shopping for it and I happened to be the one paying for it before we left the store.

Your account is the first I have ever heard of a husband buying dresses for his wife..... and living to tell about it.

This is my old go-to Joke;

3 blondes are walking in the forest when they come across some tracks.

"Dear Tracks!" exclaims the first one.

"No, no, no, those are bear tracks" said the second.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The third one got hit by the train.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Klurejr said:


> Wow, every marriage certainly is different. My wife would never want me to buy her a dress, unless I was with her when she was shopping for it and I happened to be the one paying for it before we left the store.
> 
> Your account is the first I have ever heard of a husband buying dresses for his wife..... and living to tell about it.


I'm also tapped for bra shopping, seriously, I think I missed my calling ...


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

So a hunter goes hunting with his buddy.
On the arduous hike to their favorite spot, his buddy collapses and the hunter fears his buddy is dead.
Lucky to be in cell coverage, the hunter hurriedly dials 911.
Dispatcher: "State the nature of your emergency."
Hunter: "My buddy collasped and I think he's dead. What should I do?"
Dispatcher: "First thing, make sure he's dead."
Hunter: "Hold on."
Silence, then a bang.
Hunter: "OK, now what?"


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## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Merry christmas, old farts!


cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1908298


that's me *LOL


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

In case you didn’t know:

Q: Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel around the world so freely on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity.

Ok Ok. I won’t do it again..


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Somethings never change


----------



## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Last one for 2020

What did the elephant say to the naked man?




"How do you breathe through that thing?"


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## phishstix (Mar 15, 2020)

Lone Rager said:


> So a hunter goes hunting with his buddy.
> On the arduous hike to their favorite spot, his buddy collapses and the hunter fears his buddy is dead.
> Lucky to be in cell coverage, the hunter hurriedly dials 911.
> Dispatcher: "State the nature of your emergency."
> ...


Never hunt with Dick Cheney..


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Caturday


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

A common dilemma....


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## OldBlue950 (Dec 1, 2016)

The least he could have done was fix the oil leaks before bringing it in to change the tire...I can see her point.



Velobike said:


> A common dilemma....
> 
> View attachment 1910748


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

Velobike said:


> A common dilemma....
> 
> View attachment 1910748


Holy cow that rings sooooo true in my mairrage.


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## Carve It Up (Jun 24, 2014)

Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating one donut after another. After the 5th one, the elderly man sitting on the other end of the bench said "You know eating all those donuts is not good for you. It rots your teeth, makes your face break out, and makes you fat."

Johnny said to the man "My grandfather lived to a ripe old age of 102".

"Really" said the man. "Did he eat all those donuts just like your doing?"

"Nope" said Johnny. "He just knew to mind his own business!"


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## clearcreek (Oct 10, 2005)

Perspective

Lying in bed with my wife watching Steven Colbert last night
Instep of my foot pressed lightly into the sole of her near foot
Feeling close
Drifting off to sleep as the musical guest comes on to end the show
Her hand drops lightly onto my shoulder
Fingertips massage this way and that
Hand slowly finger crawls across my chest
Burrows into my pit 
Slips down my side
Back across my belly 
Lingering a moment on my naval
Checking if I am asleep
Slides off my hip and cups my near cheek in palm
Climbing back on top fingers dance tenderly
Up one side and down the other
Caressing
Receiving 
An appreciative response
Hand dives down between my legs 
Delves beneath my butt and 
Swiftly retreats from my body
"Mmmmmmmm," I murmur "Why'd you stop"
Aloud 
"Looking for the remote" she replies
"Found It"

** Borrowed from a Richard Dreyfus joke in _The Last laugh_


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Carve It Up (Jun 24, 2014)

Weddings were always the worst. 

Every time I went to a wedding old people were looking and pushing at me, saying "You're next!" I never got over it.

Things sure have changed. Now, when I go to funerals, I poke at those same old people and exclaim "You're next!"

For some reason they don't find it amusing anymore. Oh well...


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Sadly this is probably true...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## watermonkey (Jun 21, 2011)

37 minutes is a really long time.


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

I think Dion minutes are like "dog years", so 37 Dion minutes feels like 259 mins

Id eject too


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

89 year old cyclist proves that age is not a number


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

^oh dear! And way to pay attention Mr. Flag Waver Starter Guy.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Ouch. At that age, falling isn't funny.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)

*Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If You can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge You a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you Didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!*


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Probably the best advice you will get today.

I refuse too.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1918290


i told my wife this joke not knowing the backstory ... Gorilla Glue, oh my!


----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

Klurejr said:


> View attachment 1918027


Yikes! A Kaw Z1 engine. I had one of those, but it was still in the Z1. 83 freekin' horsepower. Current Kaw has 183.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)

_*NINE WORDS WOMEN USE ...AND MEN SHOULD NEVER USE!*_

*(1)* *Fine* *:* *This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)* *Five Minutes* *:* *If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)* *Nothing* *:* *This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)* *Go Ahead* *:* *This is a dare, not permission.. DON'T DO IT!
(5)* *Loud Sigh* *:* *This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)* *That's Okay* *:* *This is one of the most dangerous statements a* *woman* *can make to a man* *.* *That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
(7)* *Thanks* *:* *A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)* *Whatever* *:* *Is a woman's way of saying* ***** OFF* *!
(9)* *Don't worry about it, I'll do it* *:* *Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.*


----------



## watermonkey (Jun 21, 2011)

joeduda said:


> _*NINE WORDS WOMEN USE ...AND MEN SHOULD NEVER USE!*_


This would've been useful information 22 YEARS AGO! It's criminal that the manuals aren't included with purchase.


----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

# man woman
No manual entry found for woman


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ravewoofer (Dec 24, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1919659


This is me....for the last 30 years.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

joeduda said:


> _*NINE WORDS WOMEN USE ...AND MEN SHOULD NEVER USE!*_
> 
> *(1)* *Fine* *:* *This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
> (2)* *Five Minutes* *:* *If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
> ...


----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

^^^ Sound engineering being my day job , it's a keeper


----------



## walkerwalker (Jul 17, 2020)

same.


----------



## sammymann (Aug 14, 2020)

At 48 I married a 23 year old stripper. At 50 I bought a strip club. At 52 I died. I wish the prior things at 48 and at 50 were due to a mid life crisis as everyone suggested!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

The smart woman knows how to stock her handbag for any situation... I'll bet she has tissues too.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## DIRTJUNKIE (Oct 18, 2000)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1920016


All men's biggest fear.


----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

And do never forget the cookies...


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

FitBit should add a feature where it wipes your browsing history everywhere if your heart has stopped beating for 5 minutes.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Ouch
😭


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Then there's days I'm so miserable that nothing but a bike will fix it...


----------



## sammymann (Aug 14, 2020)

No matter the state of mind or mindlessness as the case often is: Anytime I am on a bicycle, at some point, I find myself smiling. Music Above All Else! Many times my bicycles are instruments in the creation of music. How fucking lucky am I!?🚴‍♀️🎤🎼


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

^^^^ Ha !
Great movie !


----------



## sammymann (Aug 14, 2020)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1924161


Always!


----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Deleted due to wrong click


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

33red said:


> Epidemiologist Dr. Larry Brilliant, best known for his work eradicating smallpox, on Thursday expressed concerns over new coronavirus variants and stressed the need for a backup plan in addition to vaccinations to control the pandemic.
> "I'm quite worried about the variants. We seem to be getting not only many variants, but variants of concern almost every week," Brilliant told CNN's Erin Burnett. Daily new infections in the United States have plateaued at around 60,000, and public health experts warn that a fourth wave of the virus could be about to crash down on the country.
> A coronavirus strain that originated in South Africa, for example, renders the AstraZeneca vaccine 90% ineffective, Brilliant pointed out. A variant first seen in Brazil can allow reinfection, and one that emerged in the United Kingdom is more transmissible.
> "I do think we have to have a backup plan in addition to vaccinating everybody as fast as we can," said Brilliant. "I think we have to get really much better at outbreak containment, detecting of diseases, finding them, isolating them, and vaccinating them with the vaccine that matches the variant that our genomics tells us they have."
> ...


Well, that's not very funny, worst joke ever!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A belated Happy Caturday


----------



## nOOky (May 13, 2008)

Lena: "Ole, the doctor's office called. For your appointment they will want a urine sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample".

Ole: "Oh? So vat"

Lena: "Ya, so just give them a pair of your dirty underwear".


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1924640


I've considered doing that.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Caturday


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”


----------



## 786737 (Mar 13, 2015)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## goofyarcher (Jul 12, 2020)

DO ya know why Old cowboys want a dachshund ????????
think about it
come on think about it , it is logical
ok 
here it is
" they want to get a long-little-doggie"


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

The circle of life


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.
He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Cranberries, korn, peaches and herb...


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> Cranberries, korn, peaches and herb...


Red Hot Chilli Peppers


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)

The Raspberries


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

My girlfriend ist really good at maths


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Red Leg 2 (May 4, 2014)

Grok said:


> I finally received my new bike the other day. Wife was so sweet, and accommodating .......yet she refused to sleep in the garage for just that night.


Honey Moons are better in the woods.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Nurse1: did you hear? The hypochondriac in room 3 has died last night. 
Nurse2: I think he may have been exaggerating ever so slightly.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1935338


It took a bit of remembering who sung it, but now I'm listening to Billie Jo Spears!


----------



## 908811 (Apr 7, 2021)

Seeing too many of these dokters as I get older.


----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Not funny if that happen to you often. Like to me.


----------



## 908811 (Apr 7, 2021)

Finally! A saddle I can poop through without stopping.

Take that motorists! (apologies for mistaking this for the 5+ thread)


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

ugly boots


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

LOL
Don't miss a cheating day!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

View attachment 1937280


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

This morning's 50+ posts - hernia is ahead so far


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

I might need to change my WIFI name.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Old Rodney Dangerfield Joke- "My mom's cooking was so bad...How bad was it?- All the flies in the neighborhood got together and bought us a screen door!"


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Is this how it works?


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Shocking


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1940627
> 
> 
> Shocking


I know! every time I read an article on the world's oldest person, I feel like they're cursing him/her.


----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

calimander said:


> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So harsh to mess with old people in the forum that way.


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

ZX11 said:


> So harsh to mess with old people in the forum that way.


what you talkin bout Willis?

l cant get the vid to play........


----------



## huckleberry hound (Feb 27, 2015)

cmg said:


> what you talkin bout Willis?
> 
> l cant get the vid to play........


It means you are a monkey that got tricked just like the rest of us who tried to click on the video.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

Tribble Me said:


> ..


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1943394


Yeah, I wiped my hands on my pants whenever I saw one of those things!


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Remember the good ol' days?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Iron value is way too high


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> Remember the good ol' days?
> 
> View attachment 1944922


We were the poor kids. We couldn't afford our own guillotine so we had to use an axe.

Young Arthur's mum was not pleased....


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1945296


That's my strategy, outlast 'em!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

Just watch, someone will be offended for no reason....

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk


----------



## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

I'm gray and proud of it!

(Get off my lawn!)

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

One of my younger patients asked me how I painted the silver on the sides of my head😆


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Nurse Ben said:


> One of my younger patients asked me how I painted the silver on the sides of my head😆


Takes years to learn.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Best doctor! Wonder if he's taking any new patients?


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

The old Joe Miller was asked by his 
Doc: How are you today?
Ol' Joe: I'm fine. I do my daily walk in the park, feed the birds... and sometimes I gaze after the young ladies
Doc: That's great! It's amazing!
Ol' Joe: But I already forgot why.


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1947379


While some of us look at it and think "Ooh! there's a lovely big prime number in there..." 2 x 5 x 31 x 114,397,091 
Gotta keep the mental arithmetic working as you get older


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1948680


I always wonder when someone is going to smash our box and put us in the recycle bin


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Two older guys walking down a country road, find a frog. The frog says "Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess and make wild love to you" One old guy turns to the other and says, "At our age we would rather have a talking frog", the other guy nods in agreement....I'm not quite there yet. but the talking frog does sound interesting


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Man I loved being young..life was simpler...I could go into a store with 1 dollar and come out with 2 candy bars, 4 packs of bubble gum, some chips and a soft drink.... now they have cameras everywhere


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

> > > > > A man attempted to siphon gas from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose. He got more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gas, but he plugged his siphon hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

LOL. this. I grew up with two sisters. While I think my parents did a great job, I keep telling relatives that there were originally four of us kids.


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

When I think of some of the stuff my brother and I did in the basement...sheesh. It's a wonder we're unscathed. Think homemade rockets, propellants and fireworks.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Gasp4Air said:


> delete


Wow, Gasp4Air, now I'm REALLY curious just what you guys did! Hasn't the statute of limitations run out by now?


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Alrighty, now I see how this happens!


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

You must wait 5 seconds before perming that action.
5,4,3,2,1 Click
You must wait 5 seconds before perming that action.
5,4,3,2,1 Click
You must wait 5 seconds before perming that action.
5,4,3,2,1 Click


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Gasp4Air said:


> You must wait 5 seconds before perming that action.
> 5,4,3,2,1 Click
> You must wait 5 seconds before perming that action.
> 5,4,3,2,1 Click
> ...


Yeah, I posted it in the Site Feedback/Issues forum. I was afraid they'd ban us for spamming!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

you should delete that one baldy


----------



## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'


----------



## DrewT (Sep 17, 2012)

My son came in bitching that his dropper wouldn't go up. So I gave him a viagra. Now it won't go down.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

ZX11 said:


> LOL. this. I grew up with two sisters. While I think my parents did a great job, I keep telling relatives that there were originally four of us kids.


My dad used to tell me: "You just think you are the oldest, your two older brothers are buried in the backyard and you can join them at anytime."


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

You know your getting old... when the movie title reminds you of the eye chart at the optometrist!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1953496


1968 - 2001 A Space Odyssey


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

deleted


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I just wanted all you jokesters to know that this thread is the first thread I look at whenever I come to MTBR.

Thanks!

PS Big Donut!


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1953496


Erm, flip phones in 1973????


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Ready to move on to the next stage of bike riding...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Outrider66 (Jan 30, 2018)

Sometimes, the old tractor is hard to get cranked. I just doesn't much want to run.

But when Momma (not my mother, but rather my children's mother) gets the old tractor cranked....

_*I can guarantee that somethin' is gonna get plowed!*_


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ Ha! Bugs Bunny was a crossdresser and Pepe La Pew stalked a kitty cat


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Not to mention: Heckle and Jeckle were anti-social miscreants, Betty Boop was censored, and Minnie Mouse was HAWT.


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

And Winnie The Pooh didn't wear any pants!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Belated Remembrance Day... I participated our own veteran events at the hospital .


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1956646


We don’t have cable or internet at our house, no dish, no WiFi, no tablets, no computers, no TV.

We got lots of critters, tons of books, and we sit together at night and read for hours.

BUT, I just got a bugle, so that may spice things up 🤣


----------



## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

It was tough being a winner in the Bronze Age...


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Sean68 (Nov 30, 2021)

An Irishman was in the waiting room, his father in with the doctor. The old man finally comes out and his son immediately starts asking what the doctor had to say. The old man says "The news is not good, I'll break it to you over a pint."
After a couple of beers, The son finally gets his father to tell him the news. The old man says "The doctor said that I have cancer and I only have six months to live." The son says "That's terrible news. What are we going to do?" The old man replies, " I've lived a long and wonderful life, your mother has been a good wife and you have been a good son. I have traveled the length and breadth of the county and I have no regrets. Lets have another round and celebrate the good times." About that time, some of the old mans friends come over, see the empty glasses and say, "Seamus, What are we celebrating?" Seamus says, "To tell the truth, we're celebrating a bit of bad news. The doctor has told me I have aids and only six months to live." This is quite a bombshell, so the friends offer some hasty condolences and go on their way. The son asks," Father, you told me you had cancer, why did you tell them you have aids?" The old man says " I don't want them bothering your mother after I'm gone."


----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

haha


----------



## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

Seen today on a compact car's hatch:
"why can't be I rich instead of good looking?"


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Why we are eating parrot for Xmas instead of a turkey...


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

The results of a Mensa word mangling contest.
It all looks perfectly cromulent to me.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## nOOky (May 13, 2008)

Reintarnation lol


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1960651


Thanks for your many delicious jokes


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Haven't quite got there yet. Can't be too far away though...


----------



## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

Velobike said:


> Haven't quite got there yet. Can't be too far away though...


LOL, I've had what's close to a "been there, done that" moment.

As a younger septuagenarian I once put on and rode with a pair of lightweight Gore slip-on shorts inside out. (In my defense they don't have a zipper or a snap at the waist.)
I only noticed when reaching down for the pocket and finding it on the left and inaccessible. 
My wife was kind and just said "Honey, you know the GORE label goes on the outside".







Guess I can look forward to new ways of wearing them as an octogenian.
I imagine it will be very difficult to ride with both legs in the same pant leg


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1961300


and who won?


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

(If anyone thinks this too offensive, let me know and I'll remove it)


----------



## Ntmboy (Nov 10, 2010)

Nope, keep'm cum'n

Sent from my LGUS997 using Tapatalk


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"... The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd decide to make your store our Bridal Gift Shop Registry”


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Donny is a cousin a few times removed, so I'm allowed to do this.
(Taking the piss is a family tradition)


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Super Hero Corrugated IronMan singlehandedly resists the relentless attack of the evil TinShedMen.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

May as well discourage the young ones from developing bad habits...


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## nOOky (May 13, 2008)

Velobike said:


> May as well discourage the young ones from developing bad habits...
> 
> 
> View attachment 1962441


lol that;s horrible.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Have a safe and happy new year all!!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

R.I.P. Betty White


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

TikTok - Make Your Day


TikTok - trends start here. On a device or on the web, viewers can watch and discover millions of personalized short videos. Download the app to get started.




vm.tiktok.com






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

How vegans are made...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Don't haggle. The price is firm


----------



## Gene Hamilton (Oct 8, 2013)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

There's a short, charming little movie about an older white woman in a small deli restaurant - the kind where you pick up your food and find a booth to eat. She forgets to grab a fork and goes to get one. She comes back to see a big black guy in her booth about to eat her salad. He looks like a street person. They look at each other. She's determined not to give up her salad. She defiantly reaches over to take a forkful. They he takes some. So it goes back and forth until the salad is gone. Not a word is exchanged. The street guy leaves and then she grabs her coat and walks out. And as you're probably expecting, she sees her salad sitting untouched in a different booth. She utters the only word of the film, "HAH!"


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1966009


There's a scene almost identical to this in the movie from last year called Swan Song


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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

TheBaldBlur said:


> There's a scene almost identical to this in the movie from last year called Swan Song


Yeah. Funny stuff.

I heard the story as a new lowly Air Force Second Lieutenant with oreo cookies in an airport. He sits across from an old gruff looking Marine Colonel. In the end the Colonel collects his stuff and the cookie wrapper to throw away. He walks away and the Lieutenant then discovers his own cookies. Not a word spoken.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Velobike said:


> View attachment 1966798


or rent, or insurance, or ....


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## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

They will just let the dealer do a ride


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

Kinda a cool way to go. 








Hopefully I'll go on a self driving ebike. Arrive deceased (draped over the bars) at the top of a climb, shock other mtbr members, then set a PR on the downhill.


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## roadkill401 (Mar 14, 2017)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1966009


a great writer who was taken from us far too soon.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

roadkill401 said:


> a great writer who was taken from us far too soon.


He sure was


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## 33red (Jan 5, 2016)

Velobike said:


> View attachment 1967484


 Thanks, my 90 YO mom will love this one


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

I'd hit that ejection seat button too


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

My great ambition is to make the period between finally being grown up and RIP as short as possible...


----------



## Mikbur (Nov 10, 2018)

cyclelicious said:


> I'd hit that ejection seat button too


I looked for a suitable Celine Dion song quote to use as a witty reply, and came away with nothing. 
🤷‍♂️


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Like many things, tats don't age well. I manage the care of veterans (average age is 97) I've seen many skin smudges


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

VACANCY:
Electrician required urgently.
Preferably qualified this time.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## nOOky (May 13, 2008)

Lena took Ole in for a yearly physical examination. When Ole checked in at the nurses station, they told him he would need to give them a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample so the doctor could get results and discuss it with him during the exam. 

Lena told Ole to strip off his underwear, and she walked up and handed them to the nurse. Ole passed all of his tests with flying colors.


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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Tommy E (Oct 30, 2019)

I really appreciate all of these. I read them regularly and all of y’all brighten my day.


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## Mikbur (Nov 10, 2018)

Oh man, looking at that cartoon - major impact to Canada for the seasoning spillage.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1970285


Reminds me of the sticker an older riding buddy has on his recumbent windscreen:


----------



## mudflap (Feb 23, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1970674


Is in reference to recent trucker boondoggle, eh? (snark)


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

It's Friday! Crank up the tunes


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Happy Caturday! You're never too old


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

When she's ten feet tall...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Stevie McNuggets?


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once. He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. 

After a week or two, the bartender says "You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold" "No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One is on the oil rigs, the other is on the high seas. We made a deal that whenever we have a drink, we'll all have three pints at once like this, so it's like we're still drinking together" "That's actually really touching, Sir," the bartender smiles and brings him his three drinks. 

For five months, he comes in every day and orders three pints, until one day he walked in and ordered two. The bartender was chilled, and got him his two beers. For the next couple of days, people would send flowers and cards as condolences. 

Finally, he comes in and orders two drinks, and he says to the bartender, "I don't get it, man. People keep sending me cards and flowers. Did they invent a new holiday?" "Nono," the bartender replied, "You've only been ordering two beers" "And?" The Irishman sips one of his beers, confused. "Well who did we lose good sir," the bartender asked, "The lovely fellow on the rigs or the chap on the high seas?" "Neither," the Irishman replied, "I told me wife I'd stop drinking"


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of beer each.
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls for another one.

The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he takes out the fly and takes a big sip of beer.

The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Probably already in here somewhere but bears repeating:

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelry store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

chazpat said:


> Probably already in here somewhere but bears repeating:
> 
> A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelry store in
> a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
> ...


That sounds like a great way to have fun with a gold-digger.
Shame my wife won't let me get a girlfriend....


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## PS mtb (10 mo ago)

Ok, here's one.
Rookie on PGA Tour finishes his round, gets changed, and goes into the bar at the club. There are several golf groupies hanging around, and he ends up with one in his hotel room...
They have sex, and he is lying on the bed spent, and she says...you know, Lee Trevino could do it twice ! Not to be outdone, he rolls over and gives it another go...now laying there, spent, again, she says, you know, Arnold Palmer could do it 3 times...he thinks about it, rolls over and musters up the energy to do it again. Now, laying there completely exhausted, she says...you know, Jack Nicholas could do it 4 times...he pauses, looks at her and asks...WHATS PAR ON THIS HOLE !!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’

A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic.
Steve: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’

Kensuke: ‘Nurse,please bring my special medicine from box No. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Steve: ‘Ugwh. this is kerosene.’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. 30 dollars please.’

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Steve: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’

Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box no. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Steve (mad): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations. You got your memory back. 30 dollars please.’
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 150 dollars.

Steve: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’
Kensuke: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 150 dollars.’

Steve (staring at the banknotes): ‘But this is 30 dollars, not 150 !’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your eyesight is fixed. Give me back 30 dollars which I gave to you and 30 dollars more please.’


----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## nOOky (May 13, 2008)

cyclelicious said:


> Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
> ‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’
> 
> A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic.
> ...


Best one I have read for quite some time thanks.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Seeing as we are having the traditional Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes....

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a pub. After several beers, they had sorted out the world's problems, discussed the ineptitude of the coaches af assorted football teams, and naturally the subject came round to sex.

After a few salacious jokes and horny stories and leering at the charms of the barmaid, there was only one question left. Which nationality was the most virile? They asked the barmaid to be the judge,

Paddy the Irishman started first. "I come home at 7pm and my wife has a 3 course meal set out for me, then we watch the tv until 10pm and go to bed."

The barmaid asked, "How often do you do it, and what does your wife say in the morning?"

"Three times, and she says "That was nice Paddy" then she gives me my sandwiches and a kiss as I go out the door."

He looked around proudly, but now it's Nigel the Englishman's turn.

The barmaid asks the same question. Nigel looks around preening, "My wife has a 5 course meal ready for me and we listen to classical music until 11pm before going to bed."

The other two look crestfallen, but the barmaid asks, "How often, and what does she say in the morning?"

"We do it 5 times, and she says "Thank you Nigel" then hands me my bowler hat and umbrella and I go to work."

By now Jock the Scotsman is red with embarrassment. He feels quite inadequate and tries to change the subject.

Eventually he is persuaded to open up.

The barmaid says to him, "Come on Jock, you know the drill, tell us!"

Reluctantly Jock says, "I get home at 6pm, my wife puts a bowl of cold porridge in front of me, and we go to bed at 6:15pm."

"Hoho," chuckles the Englishman, "Tell us how often you do it."

Hanging his head in shame, Jock says "We only do it once."

Paddy and Nigel feel sorry for Jock.

Paddy says, "And what does your missus say in the morning?"

Jock mumbles something.

The barmaid feels sorry for him, "It's ok Jock, there's no shame in it. Just get it over with and say it louder so we can hear."

Jock squares his shoulders and mans up, "In the morning my missus says "You'll have to stop now, Jock. I'll send my sister round to your work at lunch time as an appetiser for tonight."


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Velobike said:


> Seeing as we are having the traditional Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes....
> 
> An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a pub. After several beers, they had sorted out the world's problems, discussed the ineptitude of the coaches af assorted football teams, and naturally the subject came round to sex.
> 
> ...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## \m/ Moshboy \m/ (Mar 30, 2005)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1977510


Yes, yes I did.

Readers Digest was a big part of my repertoire, I loved the funny stories 👍


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## DennisT (Dec 29, 2019)

Not wrong...


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

I found this text message from my 23 year-old daughter to be amusing:


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

chazpat said:


> I found this text message from my 23 year-old daughter to be amusing:
> 
> View attachment 1978636


Should have bought one with blue tooth 🤣


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

An oldie but a goodie:

Little boy gets home from school and says, "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies, "Never mind, son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

They have that diner at Disney World in Florida. My kids went wild when the waitress treated me like a child. I think it was the highlight of their Disney trip.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## teleken (Jul 22, 2005)

After dying two men are at Heavens gate where St Peter says we had a busy day & only have room for one of you.
They ask how he will decide and he creates a challenge. Whichever one uses the word Timbuktu best in a poem gets in.

The first man: Sitting on the shore thinking of you saw a ship go by it's destination Timbuktu.
Not bad says St Peter gesturing to the second man to begin.

Thru the woods Tim and I went. We spotted 3 maidens lying in a tent they being three and we being two I bucked one and Tim bucked two.


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Nurse Ben said:


> Should have bought one with blue tooth 🤣


I think she was checking out this one. Receivers seem to be a LOT smaller than I remember them being!


----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

Sorry to derail the thread but since it's a bit off road already : Bluetooth is a very bad standard for anything audio.






how good is bluetooth audio at its best?


Wireless audio technologies sound quite appealing. However, when it comes to Bluetooth audio, there is a concern that the convenience of it comes at a pr...




www.sereneaudio.com


----------



## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

fokof said:


> Sorry to derail the thread but since it's a bit off road already : Bluetooth is a very bad standard for anything audio.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


But the convenience on a bike far outweighs the negatives as it's not the ideal environment to listen to music to start with.
Road noise, bike noise, your noise...


----------



## bigpedaler (Jan 29, 2007)

NordieBoy said:


> But the convenience on a bike far outweighs the negatives as it's not the ideal environment to listen to music to start with.
> Road noise, bike noise, your noise...


I have a 1" cube that plays my music loud enough to be heard over the shower noise...cost me $9 8 years ago.


----------



## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

fokof said:


> Sorry to derail the thread but since it's a bit off road already : Bluetooth is a very bad standard for anything audio.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I pointed out to my daughter that bluetoothing to a phone/speakers/etc would pretty much negate the "record-life" experience and she agreed. Doubt she'll spring for a nice, warm tube amp though! 'Course, I never did either, except for my guitar.


----------



## EdWiser (Feb 3, 2021)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1980010


I posted this to Facebook and it was removed for suicide promotion.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

TheBaldBlur said:


>


l remember an old Audi l had, the heating controls were broken, middle of Australian summer driving around with heating on full, man that sucked


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

Motley Crue got old?








_Kickstart My Heart _likely has a different meaning for them now.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1982122


Clearly he forgot to shave.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

What's Opera, Doc?


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

cmg said:


> l remember an old Audi l had, the heating controls were broken, middle of Australian summer driving around with heating on full, man that sucked


I lived out west in mining country, in the bush.
I had to run my Leyland P76* with the heating full on when the temps were in the high 30+ºC so it didn't boil over.
I'd arrive at my destination with a thick coating of dust (dirt roads) but when I stepped out of the car, 30+ºC felt cool. 

(*There weren't any other cars you could stick a 44gallon drum in the boot (trunk), and that was its very necessary USP for me)


----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

Velobike said:


> I lived out west in mining country, in the bush.
> I had to run my Leyland P76* with the heating full on when the temps were in the high 30+ºC so it didn't boil over.
> I'd arrive at my destination with a thick coating of dust (dirt roads) but when I stepped out of the car, 30+ºC felt cool.
> 
> (*There weren't any other cars you could stick a 44gallon drum in the boot (trunk), and that was its very necessary USP for me)


not only a 44 gallon drum, but a lot of tied up hitchhikers 

or so lm told....


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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## 93M500 (Nov 10, 2021)

Anyone else get winded after going to the bathroom?


----------



## 93M500 (Nov 10, 2021)




----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

93M500 said:


> Anyone else get winded after going to the bathroom?


Depends how long I have to try to not breathe.


----------



## Tribble Me (Aug 27, 2012)

Life is like a role of toilet paper. When you first start off it looks like it will last forever. When you're getting close to the end you just hope you have enough.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Ok, actually this SHOULD read "80s teachers"!


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

chazpat said:


> Ok, actually this SHOULD read "80s teachers"!
> 
> View attachment 1983492


It should say 80's teachers.... and holy cow that is the worst Photoshop I have seen in a long time. Probably made by a millennial ;-)


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Lone Rager (Dec 13, 2013)

chazpat said:


> Ok, actually this SHOULD read "80s teachers"!



Calculator? Back in my day, it was a slide rule. Funnily enough, even in this day and age I don't always have a slide rule in my pocket.


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## mudflap (Feb 23, 2004)

Orrell Roberts dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets to the pearly gates, he's met by St. Peter who is checking names off as the departed souls pass through. When Orrell says his name, St. Peter repeats - "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" - to which Orrell answers - "that's right St. Peter, that's me."
St. Peter tells him that god is waiting to see him in his office, so off he goes excited to finally meet god.
When he gets to gods office, he is met by gods secretary who asks who is here to see god? Orrell tells her and again she repeats "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" "That's right, that's me," he says, and with that, she says - "right this way Orrell, god has been waiting for you." 
Orrell is ushered into a great hall and his name is announced so that all can hear. 
Finally in the presence of god, god calls him over and asks once again who it is who stands in front of him - "Orrell Roberts" says Orrell. God looks down at him and repeats - "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" To which Orrell replies -"that's right lord, that's me." 
Now god is visibly excited to finally meet Orrell Roberts, and as he scoots up closer to Orrell, he reaches over his right shoulder to his back and says - "Orrell, I've been having this pain..."


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

mudflap said:


> Orrell Roberts dies and goes to heaven.
> When he gets to the pearly gates, he's met by St. Peter who is checking names off as the departed souls pass through. When Orrell says his name, St. Peter repeats - "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" - to which Orrell answers - "that's right St. Peter, that's me."
> St. Peter tells him that god is waiting to see him in his office, so off he goes excited to finally meet god.
> When he gets to gods office, he is met by gods secretary who asks who is here to see god? Orrell tells her and again she repeats "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" "That's right, that's me," he says, and with that, she says - "right this way Orrell, god has been waiting for you."
> ...


❓


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1983648


----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## mudflap (Feb 23, 2004)

Klurejr said:


> ❓


Orrell use to claim he could heal people's pain and health issues by laying his hands on them. Used to be on TV doing just that. God must have seen him on TV. Google him.


----------



## Fuse6F (Jul 5, 2017)

With all the inflation running through the economy, those toilet paper hoarders are looking pretty smart right now!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## MtbHoopster (Oct 18, 2020)

mudflap said:


> Orrell Roberts dies and goes to heaven.
> When he gets to the pearly gates, he's met by St. Peter who is checking names off as the departed souls pass through. When Orrell says his name, St. Peter repeats - "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" - to which Orrell answers - "that's right St. Peter, that's me."
> St. Peter tells him that god is waiting to see him in his office, so off he goes excited to finally meet god.
> When he gets to gods office, he is met by gods secretary who asks who is here to see god? Orrell tells her and again she repeats "Orrell Roberts...*the* Orrell Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" "That's right, that's me," he says, and with that, she says - "right this way Orrell, god has been waiting for you."
> ...


I got it Mudflap. I'm old enough to remember Oral Roberts but was not a follower. God and Jesus yes but Oral no!


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

fiftheoldfolks


----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)

He was 51 at the time.


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Titnotised - what happens to men who don't look a woman in the eye.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Hit Factor (Apr 7, 2021)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1986765


Saw this on another site yesterday, went and listened to the album.


----------



## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1987569


We called pagers eletronic handcuffs. My friends and I did not have them, so we could go out and be fully disconnected from our parents for hours.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Klurejr said:


> We called pagers eletronic handcuffs. My friends and I did not have them, so we could go out and be fully disconnected from our parents for hours.


Ha! You're just giving away that you're too young for this forum!


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

chazpat said:


> Ha! You're just giving away that you're too young for this forum!


When I was a kid my parents finally bought me a watch so I wouldn't have any excuse for not showing up for lunch or dinner. Bless them for letting me roam free.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Gasp4Air said:


> When I was a kid my parents finally bought me a watch so I wouldn't have any excuse for not showing up for lunch or dinner. Bless them for letting me roam free.


A watch, damn were you lucky!

I had to pull a wagon around behind my bike to carry a sundial.

Fortunately we lived in California, a cloudy day could be trouble 🤣


----------



## ghood (Dec 26, 2011)

I just had to be home by the time the streetlights came on.


----------



## haneriali (May 2, 2013)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1988070


Umm, that would be our house 😮


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Look familiar?


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Klurejr said:


> View attachment 1988500


My son has pointed that out to me.


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## iko_iko (7 mo ago)

Why don’t cannibals like to eat Millennials?

They’re too salty.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

Klurejr said:


> View attachment 1988500


That math shouldn't work ...

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

I am an exception to this. My Check Engine light came on at 34.....


----------



## UPSed (Dec 26, 2010)

45 for me but I've kept a much better eye on my health since then.


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Going on 60, no check engine light in sight, my excellent health is the result of lifelong fitness, good genes, vegetarian diet, and never putting anything into my body that doesn't belong.

... of course I have no friends because I'm so damn boring, but I'll outlive them anyhow


----------



## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Nurse Ben said:


> Going on 60, no check engine light in sight, my excellent health is the result of lifelong fitness, good genes, vegetarian diet, and never putting anything into my body that doesn't belong.
> 
> ... of course I have no friends because I'm so damn boring, but I'll outlive them anyhow
> 
> cyclelicious, gasp4Air


Not that this isn't likable, the reason I liked it was to get my name next to cyclelicious.


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Nurse Ben said:


> Going on 60, no check engine light in sight, my excellent health is the result of lifelong fitness, good genes, vegetarian diet, and never putting anything into my body that doesn't belong.
> 
> ... of course I have no friends because I'm so damn boring, but I'll outlive them anyhow


Oh come on, you put a piece of electrical tape over the light, didn't you?


----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Not much in life comes without risk. Even riding isn’t risk free


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

chazpat said:


> Oh come on, you put a piece of electrical tape over the light, didn't you?


No, I just don't look at the light


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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

calimander said:


> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My new mantra. Might get Tshirts made.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ksj (Aug 31, 2019)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1989654


Supply chain again...


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## bigpedaler (Jan 29, 2007)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1988285


I thought they did a prequel with bikes.... You didnt see Premium Rush?


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## bigpedaler (Jan 29, 2007)

MtbHoopster said:


> I got it Mudflap. I'm old enough to remember Oral Roberts but was not a follower. God and Jesus yes but Oral no!


We used to hear Oral Roberts jokes pretty regularly -- sadly, since it was 55 years ago, and i only remember one:

Oral Roberts' record albums couldnt be played...because the holes in the center would heal up.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1992029


And the extended cord, so you could walk across the kitchen....

And all the friends numbers you had to memorize....

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

That phone has buttons to "dial" the number. And it's not black. Pretty darn modern.


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## JCJax (12 mo ago)




----------



## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

strema. had no brain? therefore no brain freeze?


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## Dunnigan (9 mo ago)

Gasp4Air said:


> That phone has buttons to "dial" the number. And it's not black. Pretty darn modern.


We had that one in gold with the rotor. Kept it until the phone company wouldn’t accommodate rotary phones anymore and got the same one with buttons.


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)

Gasp4Air said:


> That phone has buttons to "dial" the number. And it's not black. Pretty darn modern.


You had a rotary dial and your friend's number was 990-9089


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

fokof said:


> You had a rotary dial and your friend's number was 990-9089


Nope. Number was 812.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Gasp4Air said:


> Nope. Number was 812.


Nope, there was no number, you picked up, all the phones rang, you said their name and if they picked up you talked to them ... there were always folks listening in


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 1992504


That’s is most of my high school students!😃


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Pockets! Great Scott... I have seen the future and it looks like the world will be wearing cargo pants


BTW Did Picard write this headline?


----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. 

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

“Mike… Mike!”

"Who is it?”

"it's me, Joe."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?”

"You're on the team for this Saturday".


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1996034


I used to have a little fake cassette with a headphone wire to trick my car into playing a CD off a diskman.


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## DennisT (Dec 29, 2019)

Klurejr said:


> I used to have a little fake cassette with a headphone wire to trick my car into playing a CD off a diskman.


I used to have a fake 8-track cassette that you could stick a cassette tape into to trick my 8-track player.


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

DennisT said:


> I used to have a fake 8-track cassette that you could stick a cassette tape into to trick my 8-track player.


now we are talking!!!!!!


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

I had a record player taped to my center console, worked great except for speed bumps.


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

DennisT said:


> I used to have a fake 8-track cassette that you could stick a cassette tape into to trick my 8-track player.












Me too!!


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

A bluetooth cassette adapter....who knew??


----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1996098
> 
> 
> A bluetooth cassette adapter....who knew??


That is pretty cool, you can put your Bluetooth cassette adapter into your 8 track cassette vehicle and play your music off your phone.

lololololololololol


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Nurse Ben said:


> I had a record player taped to my center console, worked great except for speed bumps.


Shoulda bought a Chrysler.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 1996284


... with Jenny?


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 2000579


Uh oh, who's gonna tell @Picard ?


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## joeduda (Jan 4, 2013)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 2001318


Know that one all to well!!!


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2001331


This is a lawsuit waiting to happen! You know that one of our broped riders is gonna drink it because his bros dare him to!


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

That premium motor oil has a Octoberfest taste. It actually works, yum. Just try it. 




Sometimes I do evil.


----------



## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




----------



## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot the bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## In2bikes (5 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

OMG!!! Look at those gas prices.


----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2005376


I was so that kid on the left, but the Afro was red 😆

That pretty much sums up my preteens, except throw in a stop at 7-11, a ride at with Calabasas or trails off Hwy 9, and about that house being abandoned … not so much 🤣


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2005376


This is a very accurate description of my great childhood. Everything revolved around the BMX bike and exploring. It's so sad that many of today's kids don't often have these opportunities. Life was so much better then.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Tallboy723 (4 mo ago)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2001330


Mike Tyson. 21th (twenty firth) threet.


----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## flyingsqrl (Jan 23, 2011)

Halloween yard display. Not in my ‘hood, or I’d move.


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

flyingsqrl said:


> Halloween yard display. Not in my ‘hood, or I’d move.


Now that took some effort 👍


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Neighbors display










Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

calimander said:


> Neighbors display
> 
> 
> 
> ...


12’ tall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2007696


That side eye


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

TheBaldBlur said:


>


My filter is disappearing by the day!!!


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Works every time


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## Picard (Apr 5, 2005)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2008027


I don't understand the humor 

Sent from my SM-S908W using Tapatalk


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## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

Wait for it......


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

Picard said:


> I don't understand the humor
> 
> Sent from my SM-S908W using Tapatalk


Kind of like asking if the Pope wears a funny hat.


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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

Gasp4Air said:


> Kind of like asking if the Pope wears a funny hat.


or if he's Catholic?


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Picard said:


> I don't understand the humor
> 
> Sent from my SM-S908W using Tapatalk


Does a bear $hit in the woods?


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## DennisT (Dec 29, 2019)

Crimpcap said:


> Does a bear $hit in the woods?


Only if the washrooms are closed for maintenance.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Radium (Jan 11, 2019)

cmg said:


> or if he's Catholic?


I'm looking forward to the first Jewish Pope.
That'll be something.
Not that I don't like the present guy. He's great!


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## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

Radium said:


> I'm looking forward to the first Jewish Pope.
> That'll be something.
> Not that I don't like the present guy. He's great!


There's a good old sketch by Who Dares Wins on the subject. A pair of Swiss Guard talking...


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

Crimpcap said:


> Does a bear $hit in the woods?


I've seen that bears like to poop in swimming pools also! I guess bears go wherever they want to.  Read the mailbox Picard. Maybe the creator should have put poop in the mailbox to make it easier for the comically challenged to understand.


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## carinhillard (2 mo ago)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2009404





Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




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## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

^ this is true


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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## venturi95 (Apr 25, 2012)

My wife told me, "Why don't you get some pills to improve our sex life?". So I got her some diet pills.


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## fokof (Apr 24, 2006)




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## SteveF (Mar 5, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 2010129


Speaking of vintage apparel, I'm wearing a flannel shirt right now that my college GF bought me in 1981. Still fits but it's a bit ragged to wear in public so I just slop around the house in it. Of course, flannel really never goes out of style.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Balo (2 mo ago)

At my age, I don't find mentioning hemorrhoids embarrassing. It's when they call, "Will the gentleman with the excessively large and rigid boner come in." that I blush.


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Was told this one recently. It pays to be careful how you word things...

_I booked into a motel the other day. As the receptionist handed me the keys I commented, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

"No it's regular porn, you sick pervert." _


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## Velobike (Jun 23, 2007)

Rodney Rude is an Australian icon, and my grandkids felt I'd appreciate this joke of his.
.
Person A to his friend B: "Grandfather got badly burnt yesterday."
Person B: "How bad?"
Person A: "Well they don't muck* around at the crematorium."

*substitute the word an Australian would use here - just change the first letter of this word.


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## ksj (Aug 31, 2019)

deleted for absurdity


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

This made me feel good! Neil Diamond (81yo) , who retired from performing five years ago because of Parkinson's, just had a Broadway show of him open and it at the opening night he did this


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> This made me feel good! Neil Diamond (81yo) , who retired from performing five years ago because of Parkinson's, just had a Broadway show of him open and it at the opening night he did this


He's the best!

Thanks for this link, I know what I'm playing tonight :


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Ntmboy (Nov 10, 2010)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2012701


That's good - makes me wish I still had kids

Sent from my Pixel 6a using Tapatalk


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## NordieBoy (Sep 26, 2004)

But who would light their fire in the middle of summer?



Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2012701


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2012701


I put my two boys gifts as close to the fireplace as possible, just so they know I mean business!!!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

More signs you are getting older. You love the idea of getting a nice warm pair of socks for Christmas


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## DennisT (Dec 29, 2019)

cyclelicious said:


> More signs you are getting older. You love the idea of getting a nice warm pair of socks for Christmas


Clothing as a gift goes from being a ripoff to being appreciated when you go from having clothing provided to having to buy it yourself.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Frank died a few days later under mysterious circumstances.


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

But he color coordinated everything so well!


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## huckleberry hound (Feb 27, 2015)

cyclelicious said:


> Frank died a few days later under mysterious circumstances.
> 
> View attachment 2013595


This reminds me of this classic!


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## In2bikes (5 mo ago)

How do you know the train wasnt for her!

Dam stereotypical a holes!


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## DennisT (Dec 29, 2019)

In2bikes said:


> How do you know the train wasnt for her!
> 
> Dam stereotypical a holes!


Considering where she was sitting, she'd have really... uh, never mind. 😳


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## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

In2bikes said:


> How do you know the train wasnt for her!
> 
> Dam stereotypical a holes!


But the vacuum matches her dress! It's a match made in heaven. That's my excuse for being an a hole!


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## In2bikes (5 mo ago)

TTTURNER said:


> But the vacuum matches her dress! It's a match made in heaven. That's my excuse for being an a hole!


yes but the train matches the shoes!


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

In2bikes said:


> yes but the train matches the shoes!


And that's why we are supposed to let women dress us. They know what's up!


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## 93M500 (Nov 10, 2021)

SteveF said:


> "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why."


Finally, one that made me laugh!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Question; What's the difference between a well dressed man riding a tricycle & a poorly dressed man riding a bicycle? Answer; Attire.


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## In2bikes (5 mo ago)

on the subject of babies.... ive always questioned the yellow jumper. To me thats just too much risk. Always gotta pat them on the bottom first to see if their already wet!!!


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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## kayakerjim (Aug 30, 2005)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

Things that didn’t exist on Christmas 20 years ago:

iPhone 
Facebook 
YouTube 
Instagram 
Twitter 
TikTok 
Android 
Bitcoin 
Tesla 
iPad 
Gmail 
Netflix streaming 
Amazon 
Prime 
Slack 
Reddit
Etsy 
WhatsApp 
Messenger
Google Maps
Snapchat 
LinkedIn 
Pinterest 
Chrome 
Zoom 
Skype 
Spotify 
Airbnb 
Uber


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## Klurejr (Oct 13, 2006)

cyclelicious said:


> Things that didn’t exist on Christmas 20 years ago:
> 
> iPhone
> Facebook
> ...


I was sure a few of those were more than 20 years old, but found out they launched in 2004 when I did a search.......


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

cyclelicious said:


> Things that didn’t exist on Christmas 20 years ago:
> 
> iPhone
> Facebook
> ...


... and all of them we can do without


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

We had it good. Hose water, law darts games, and BB gun wars were the greatest. Three pump limits _wink wink_.


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## chazpat (Sep 23, 2006)

Amazon went public in 1997. I had an old boss that would give us gift cards back around 2003+ when Amazon was pretty much a book store.


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## ddoh (Jan 11, 2017)

I had completely forgotten about that!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Gingerdawg (Nov 14, 2007)




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## cmg (Mar 13, 2012)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 2015396


sadly true
sunburn........normal, peel the skin off
Stranger Danger........whats that?
skinned your knee.....mum sprayed some yellow stuff on it and gave ya a hug
girls were.......just mates, that you occasionly liked more (but didnt know why)
haircuts sucked.......but mum tried her best
playing on the road........and no-one beeped, they waited till you moved

come home when the street lights turn on


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

calimander said:


> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The one woman in modern America that is willing to apologize is Mormon, broke, and on drugs😛 Her crappy man probably isn’t deserving anyway!


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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

calimander said:


> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Show this to my wife and you're the one who would need reviving.


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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

Tough crowd


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## calimander (Feb 25, 2020)

This is the joke thread 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

calimander said:


> This is the joke thread
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I thought it was funny, but I don’t want want one of these badass mountain bike women on here to get angry😛. I ride with a female 50+ state champion that would embarrass almost all of the men on here😎


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## Sanchofula (Dec 30, 2007)

calimander said:


> This is the joke thread
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If it’s not funny … the audience will let you know 🙄


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## ZX11 (Dec 24, 2020)

calimander said:


> This is the joke thread
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is funny. But naturally it brings to mind various "violent wife will get you" jokes. Like calling a policewoman, who pulled you over, "Jingle bells" during the holidays. Then telling her it is because she looks like she goes "all the way." 

You will then receive police brutality jokes.


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## DennisT (Dec 29, 2019)

ZX11 said:


> It is funny. But naturally it brings to mind various "violent wife will get you" jokes. Like calling a policewoman, who pulled you over, "Jingle bells" during the holidays. Then telling her it is because she looks like she goes "all the way."
> 
> You will then receive police brutality jokes.


The point being that some forms of humor, funny or not, are politically charged and will invite pushback.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Mikbur (Nov 10, 2018)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2016241


I'm going to guess that some people don't give a crap.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

And watch cat videos!


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

Did you hear that they took the John Wayne toilet paper off of the market? It was rough and tough and didn’t take 💩 off of anyone. 🤠


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## kosmo (Oct 27, 2004)

I know, not quite the "oldster" theme, but still!


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## TheBaldBlur (Jan 13, 2014)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## kosmo (Oct 27, 2004)

TheBaldBlur said:


>


How'd that photographer get into my house?!


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## TTTURNER (May 13, 2009)

cyclelicious said:


> View attachment 2016693


Have you ever waited for a friend that eats really slow to finish their meal? Painful!!! I got a ride to get to!


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)

Not really a joke, but I thought it was cool.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)

TTTURNER said:


> Have you ever waited for a friend that eats really slow to finish their meal? Painful!!! I got a ride to get to!


Finish first to assert dominance.


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## quite.right (Sep 29, 2016)

cyclelicious said:


> Finish first to assert dominance.


like when having sex?


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## levity (Oct 31, 2011)

it's not.quite.right she said
but it is the.last.time


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## kosmo (Oct 27, 2004)

cyclelicious said:


> Finish first to assert dominance.





quite.right said:


> like when having sex?


Winner!

Again!

Try and keep up!


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Hammy-56 (26 d ago)

Just ordered this shirt…


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Gasp4Air (Jun 5, 2009)

When I was a kid I had a "Fanner 50". It was amazingly accurate, I never missed.


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## cyclelicious (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Shark (Feb 4, 2006)

Crimpcap said:


> View attachment 2017741


Kids these days probably aren't allowed to play with those anymore.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk


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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




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## Crimpcap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------

