# breaking up sucks. Help! (long)



## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

Breaking up sucks.

Looking back, I guess breaking the news to her right before we were set to go for a ride tonight wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done. But it was now or never, right? I felt like I should just be honest and communicate - isn't that what they want??? Jeez.

She's Italian. Strong, but has a wonderful soft side. She loves to travel and could rebound quickly from any bumps that life threw her way, but I knew I was ready for a change. I'll re-enact it here for you so maybe you'll better understand...

HW: "I need to talk to you."
Marzi: "what's up?"
HW: "sit down for a minute...I uh, think I'm going to ride without you tonight..."
Marzi: "what are you talking about?"
HW: "I just need some time to think things over..."
Marzi: "where is this going, Hollywood?"
HW: "I don't know, I'm just not happy. I think maybe we should spend some time apart."

Marzi: "I can't believe this is happening."









HW: "listen, we've had some great times! It's me, I just...I just need some space."









Marzi: "Is there someone else?"

HW: (pause) "N-no. Why would you say that baby? That's crazy talk."









Marzi: "You hesitated!!! You ****ing liar! WHO IS SHE?!!!"
HW: "THERE'S NO ONE ELSE!"
Marzi: "BULLSH*T! YOU THINK I'M FAT, DON'T YOU?!"
HW: "NO! I NEVER SAID THAT!"
Marzi: "YOU THINK I'M FAT AND HEAVY AND SQUISHY!"
HW: (pause) "I - I do not, sugar!"
Marzi: "Don't call me sugar. She's probably some skinny-legged American, prancing around in pink hot pants!"
HW: (_holy crap_) "You're INSANE!" (gulp)
Marzi: "**** YOU!" (stomps off)
HW: _this sucks._

*Later -*

Men are all a$$holes. They can all die as far as I'm concerned. _sniff_









*Even later...*

"Damn, you are one sexy thang. Your hard little legs drive me crazy! How old are you again? 18, right?"









thanks for listening. I feel much better now.

*to be continued...*


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## crux (Jan 10, 2004)

Can we still be friends?

LOL great post...


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## slowride (Jan 13, 2004)

LOL! Classic.


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## 2farfwd (Jan 24, 2004)

*Very Funny!*

You almost had me going for a second. Very clever short story you created there with pictures and everything. Very entertaining!

There is something disturbing about the last picture though....I think it's the fact that you are lying in bed, lighting up a cig and that long steer tube appears to have some sort of lube all over it


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## aosty (Jan 7, 2004)

LMAO!

Genius!


See you at SART tomorrow.


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## TR (Jan 12, 2004)

Ha ha ha ha
I knew you couldn't stay away from that hardlegged little minx.
Really, those Italian women are nothing but trouble Hollywood.
Your pink hotpants girlfriend might not be able to go down as well as your Italian mistress but she has it all over her for looks.


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## bones (Dec 19, 2003)

*focking hilarious*

nice post dude, so funny.

You've definitely got my Oscar vote....or...is that a Tony?

cheers,
b.


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## gpsser (Jan 5, 2004)

bones said:


> nice post dude, so funny.
> 
> You've definitely got my Oscar vote....or...is that a Tony?
> 
> ...


You got it all wrong.....while he is playing with Oscar, Marzi is taking off with Tony.


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## Sparticus (Dec 28, 1999)

*HW for president*

Hey man, I'll take your old girlfriend... _IF_ she's cheap!  

Bro, yer a freakin' genius.

--Sparty


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## the Inbred (Jan 13, 2004)

applauds. that was quite clever.


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## SS Jerry (Dec 22, 2003)

*Nice.....very nice.....*

Great story book there buddy....

Hope to meet the girl someday. I see she is still sporting the diamond dog badge.

JS


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## ajoc_prez (Jan 19, 2004)

Never thought I'd like a pink bike, but yours is pretty damn trick. Nice !


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## Padre (Jan 6, 2004)

H - 
The level to which you climbed in order to be thorough in your post, can only be called.....genius......
Sorbet and Winston's w/ an Issue of InStyle to mask the pain? Pure genius.

Nomination..... POST OF THE YEAR!

Who'll second?


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## riderx (Jan 6, 2004)

Thumbs up!


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## mugg (Jan 1, 2004)

*Bravo!*

That was one of the best read evar!

Thanks for the laugh, HW. Oh yeah, you have wayyyyy to much forking time on your hands.


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## xjohnnyx (Mar 19, 2004)

*More...encore...*

I give you my vote! Now for the sequel where the Italian boils your kids rabbit!


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## JerseyDevil (Jan 14, 2004)

*Usually too much free time...*

... is a bad thing. In this case, something good came out of it!

Excellent work man! Made me laugh.


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## ~martini~ (Dec 20, 2003)

Hilarious....I'm just rolling on the floor and my wife is looking at me like I'm having a siezure. I vote for post of the year too!


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## kept man (Jan 13, 2004)

*Post of the Year Indeed.*

Agreed ... man, you look so dedicated in those shots. You became the character (...you). Go find yourself a soap to star on or something ...


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## DoctorJD (Jan 15, 2004)

*That my friend...*

...was ha-freaking-larious! Good work!


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## jrm (Jan 12, 2004)

*That was great....*

nice fork...


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## Zen_Dude (Apr 2, 2004)

Dude you are one funny cat. That was great. Thanks.


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## SDizzle (Jan 12, 2004)

That's good! But, if representative of anything, it's that you've too much time on your hands!!


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## roadiegonebad (Jan 31, 2004)

*dude*

Never noticed before, but in the "even later"shot you kinda look like Mario Cipollini (I'll let you determine whether that is good or bad). Maybe that's why she was attracted to you in the first place? You are one creative cat.


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## Tracerboy (Oct 13, 2002)

*brah, you rule.*

have fun with the sierra club today.


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## Zonic Man (Dec 19, 2003)

Holy crap that is one of the best posts I've ever read on ANY message board.


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## seatstay (Mar 6, 2004)

Loved that story.......Fat and squishy...Loved it.
Hey , I'll ride your girlfriend. For hours at a time, hell you can watch.

Thanks for the laugh


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## red-haze.com (Jan 16, 2004)

*That makes me CRY*

'cause I was laughing sooo hard. Another vote for post of the year! Such pathos, great dialogue, a true observation of the human condition.

bike ON

bob


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## Dr.Faustus (Jan 9, 2004)

*f'ing brilliant*

You are a sick man, you know?

Too [email protected] funny,
Dr.F.


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## Trevor! (Dec 23, 2003)

This has got to be possibly the best post I have seen on MTBR!

Too cool, I am bookmarking this one. 

AWESOME


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## Simpleton (May 3, 2004)

*ditto here - LMAO*

that's every bit as good as the helmetless rider/pete retort post and finch platte performing surgery on himself.

hope you have an outlet for this at your day job. who am i kidding, this board is an outlet for our day jobs!


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## Racer9 (Mar 8, 2004)

lol! That is so funny!


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## ShivaSteve (Jan 15, 2004)

*more seconds*

My wife and I just laughed our arses off! Brilliant!


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## Brandon (Dec 30, 2003)

Lookout! there's a stalker following you around. .. Those sunglasses don't fool anyone.


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## Jeroen (Jan 12, 2004)

I had some battles in the past too...










guess who won??


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## pacman (Jan 16, 2004)

*Lol*



Hollywood said:


> Although I sense she may be a bit more of a climber than Marzi ever was - gotta watch that.


Of course! Marzi was made to go down. Give me her number, I might get lucky on the rebound.


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

*Update -*

thanks for all the kind words and support. It's nice knowing I have a place like MTBR to come for healing.

What a crazy night! Marzi packed up her stuff and split, taking some of my headsets and skewers with her. Beeyatch! I haven't heard from her or seen her since. Who knows if she'll ever end up back in my life again?

My new love, I'll call her "Bridgette" to protect her identity, is doing great. She's direct, snappy and a fresh change of pace from Marzi. We're having SO much fun together! Although I sense she may be a bit more of a climber than Marzi ever was - gotta watch that.

(helpful hint to all: anti-sieze burns the privates)

Here we are today, out for ice cream. Everything's going to be just fine...I can feel it.









The End???


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## Drevil (Dec 31, 2003)

Funny stuff


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

*Closing Credits...*

well that was interesting. Glad I could make y'all smile 

I was out on a solo ride last week and knew I wanted to swap forks, then the whole "jealousy" thing flooded my psycho brain and I ran with it.

I used the timer to take the shots in the first post. Acting like an idiot with no one around is kinda weird. I had them all shot and cropped within 30 min., no biggie. The update shot was taken by some dude who works at Coldstone. He couldn't figure out WTF was going on 

now I need to go get on my bike and think up some more crazy sh*t.

see ya,
HW

PS - as Simpleton mentioned, the Skeeter / Pete helmet safety debate post from last year was freakin' hilarious.
http://forums13.consumerreview.com/[email protected]@.efbb31c/32


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## Schecky (Jan 13, 2004)

Easily post of the year!
Details, execution, photos - flawless.
I bow in awe to your genius!

My favorite:
"Last edited by Hollywood : 14 Hours Ago at 11:11 PM. Reason: crying"

Not to get all 'Better Off Dead' on you, but since you're broke up, would you mind if I took out Marzi? 
I have a thing for leggy Italians.


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## appleSSeed (Dec 29, 2003)

best post ever


....until jerome posted those pics


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## scottms33 (Mar 13, 2004)

*lol*

this is the funniest post i have ever seen, i love it


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## lorax (Apr 25, 2004)

*THAT was forkin' funny!!*

I even showed the forking post to the wife, and even though I had to explain a few forking things, she thought it was forking funny too!! Thanks.


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## MallieD (Apr 11, 2004)

*a little comment from a female*

You have Marzi norking out on what looks like sorbet. Trust me, any woman who's been dumped or has done the dumping is going to go for full fat ice cream. Preferably of the very chocolate variety!

Other than that hee-larious.


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## scottms33 (Mar 13, 2004)

*phone number*

hey HW. i was thinking, i am up for slopy seconds, can i get marzis' number ?


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## Zion Rasta (Jan 7, 2004)

*Post of the Year!!!!!!!!!*

Loved it! Uhh, you don't really smoke do you?



Hollywood said:


> Breaking up sucks.
> 
> Looking back, I guess breaking the news to her right before we were set to go for a ride tonight wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done. But it was now or never, right? I felt like I should just be honest and communicate - isn't that what they want??? Jeez.
> 
> ...


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## PROGRE-SS (Dec 31, 2003)

*So this is the real reason they call you HW*

Damn that was too funny! Glad I wasn't drinking anything fizzy as that sucks when it comes out your nose!! HW, your pink bike rocks! Enjoy "Bridgette"!

James


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## Fast Eddy (Dec 30, 2003)

*You're such a dork!`*

That was kuh-lassic!

I'm stoked to see you went back to basics


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## fred-da-trog (Oct 28, 2003)

*maybe counseling*

or better yet, Jerry Springer. LMAO. Very nice HW. You've got my vote for Post of the Year, also


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## ernesto_from_Wisconsin (Jan 12, 2004)

*lughed so hard*

I pooped a little and got a boner


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## Padre (Jan 6, 2004)

Just remember..
You'll enjoy Bridgette for now....she's fast, tight, and flashy....but down the road....when things start getting rocky, unstable...and you need some balance and something to keep you moving along through the rough times....Marzi is going to start looking dang attractive again....


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## Fast Freddy (Dec 25, 2003)

That my friends is the BEST post of the year so far! ...and it will be VERY Difficult to beat! I'm thinking we need to get an award together for some of the posts here on the SS board and hand them out this fall.... although we know that H-wood is a ringer in the Comedy category!

That is too good!

FF


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## logbiter (Dec 30, 2003)

*ROFL- Thanks!*

I REALLY needed that this morning. Put my vote in der too!

S


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## giantrider (Apr 12, 2004)

ernesto_from_Wisconsin said:


> I pooped a little and got a boner


rotflmao. Definatly post of the year. You da man holywood.


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

that's funny! Best post indeed.


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## dirtdrop (Dec 29, 2003)

Straight outta Hollywood!

Great stuff.


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## Rev Bubba (Jan 16, 2004)

*That was sick...*

[email protected] good, but sick none-the-less.


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## SlowSSer (Dec 19, 2003)

so, what does this make the fork that you SOLD to me???

well, it was new in the box with an uncut steer tube, so it wasnt meant for you to be with foxy, but it was meant for me to be with her? hey, the price to win her over from you wasnt steep at all, and so worth it. she's glad to be with me.

(you know you saw this coming from me- hey- you going to be at beers n bikes this sunday?)


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## Blaster1200 (Feb 20, 2004)

Hollywood, 
Great post!!!

I may be interested in taking her off your hands. So she has a few miles on her. She's already broken in and doesn't need any training, right?

She is a Marathon S, right?

If you are interested in selling her (you pimp!), shoot me a PM.


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## namaSSte (Dec 19, 2003)

Simpleton said:


> that's every bit as good as the helmetless rider/pete retort post and finch platte performing surgery on himself.


I couldn't agree more and I'll 47th the vote for post o' the year. I know the Chinese have Year of the Rat and all the others but following up the Sea Otter ensemble with this....looks like its shaping up to be be the Year or the Wood (Hollywood that is unless Im referring to the "even later" pic in the set  )

Brilliant! (in Guiness commercial voice!)


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## JAK (Jan 6, 2004)

*Dang dude...*

Thanks for gut buster from HELL!! Now I gotta clean my lunch up outa the keyboard...

You are one funny mutha!


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## Mattman (Feb 2, 2004)

*You've raised the bar!*

Good luck to anyone who thinks they can top that post,........... but please try. Laughing is the next best thing to a good ride for stress relief.


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

*good god y'all, let it die!*

holy crap my weirdo little post has taken on a life of it's own! let it go! I appreciate all the raves - but now I gotta top myself for the next installment. And no, I'm not pimpin' Marzi out to _anyone_ 

HW


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## jeffj (Jan 13, 2004)

*Now that's funny, I don't care who you are....*

I see several candidates for the photo caption contest in there as well.

I will readily admit to being jealous of your creativity and spontaneity. Great job.


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## AL29er (Jan 14, 2004)

Holy [email protected], that has to be the funniest spoof thread I have read here. Glad DC linked to it or I may have missed it. Hollywood, you got too much spare time bro


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## OneGearGuy (Jun 15, 2004)

*creative genius!*

BEST FORKIN' POST OF THE YEAR!

forking funny stuff there, HW. you really do inspire. i just hope the rigid fork doesn't rattle your creative brain stem too much!


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## jarrodl (Mar 18, 2004)

*Hahaha!!*

Sheer genius!!!


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## NoDunut4U (Jul 20, 2004)

Sparticus said:


> Hey man, I'll take your old girlfriend... _IF_ she's cheap!


Give me her number.... I need a cheap slüt on the rebound to bounce around for a few miles.


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## 1x1_Speed_Craig (Jan 14, 2004)

Man Hollywood...you have WAY too much time on your hands! Thanks for the laugh.

Craig


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## 1FG rider (Jul 9, 2004)

Hollywood, you did it again! That was effin funny.


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## Mellow Yellow (Sep 5, 2003)

*Bravo!!!*

I'm looking forward to part two!


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

jeez, this thing won't die! (nm)


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## 2gears=1speed (Jun 5, 2004)

*...this may be all my fault....??????*

rut ro ....now i've done it, i never should have talked you into riding rigid again (brigid) last weekend... now look at what has happened! ...i am so sorry dude....... L A


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## onegear (Jul 20, 2004)

Man, this has to be one of the best posts ever!


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## Moo Shoo Pork (Jan 17, 2004)

*First Time I saw this Post!*

I've been on these boards for a while and I have never seen your post HW. That was fargin crazt funny! I would vote for that as post of the year on MTB. Heck, my wife found it freakin hilarious.


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## Padre (Jan 6, 2004)

This thread has had quite the rebirth, eh?


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## Steve71 (Mar 15, 2004)

Very funny thread. But HW do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Did you ever bottom Marzi?


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## Reek (Feb 19, 2004)

*Don't mean to get sidetracked.....*



Hollywood said:


> I used the timer to take the shots in the first post. Acting like an idiot with no one around is kinda weird. I had them all shot and cropped within 30 min., no biggie. The update shot was taken by some dude who works at Coldstone. He couldn't figure out WTF was going on
> QUOTE]
> 
> ... but, Mmmmmm Coldstone...... Sweet gravity enhancing Coldstone.....
> ...


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## WTB-rider (Jul 25, 2004)

I think there's something very wrong with you.

I think we could be friends.

Another vote for post of the year!!!


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## TrailNut (Apr 6, 2004)

*wow*

wow man 
that was awesome


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## SS_B (Aug 13, 2004)

*Brilliant . . .*

. . . absolutly brilliant!


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## DAS (Jan 13, 2004)

*Hilarious!*

So Funny!


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## aqueductjoyrider (Dec 28, 2004)

*2 thumbs up*

that was 1 good scenario, dont see this good quality comedy often these days


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## bad_lil_kitty (Mar 23, 2005)

Nice one!


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## Andy aka Rut (Jan 12, 2004)

Is this yet another rebirth of "the thread'????!


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## roadiegonebad (Jan 31, 2004)

Andy aka Rut said:


> Is this yet another rebirth of "the thread'????!


How does somebody find a 1 year old post???
'H'wood, you been moonlighting on "House"?


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## bad_lil_kitty (Mar 23, 2005)

roadiegonebad said:


> How does somebody find a 1 year old post???
> 'H'wood, you been moonlighting on "House"?


opps - nah, it was one of those, "click this link for threads like this one"

blk


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## Bmateo1 (Dec 7, 2009)

bump from the past.... Kinda bummed that the pictures are no longer linked, but I was watching Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer, and somehow got reminded of this thread from yesteryear...

Nice.


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## ShadowsCast (Mar 23, 2008)

Wow I'm really upset I missed out, it sounds like the thread of a lifetime. Where'd the pictures go?


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## nuck_chorris (Jun 6, 2008)

cool story bro


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## GirchyGirchy (Dec 31, 2003)

Hey DB, 

Restore your pictures.

Thanks.


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## Hollywood (Dec 30, 2003)

GirchyGirchy said:


> Hey DB,
> 
> Restore your pictures.
> 
> Thanks.


hey wanker- I gotta dig em up off some 10 y/o hard drive since MTBR stopped hosting them. Super!!

BRB,
HW


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## b0mb3r (Feb 12, 2011)

rofl- great post... I myself went through a similar thing... I still have not bought replacement seals for my Z1. :thumbsup:


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## TheRedMantra (Jan 12, 2004)

Man, has it really been 7 years since this thread started? Time flies...


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## Impy (Jan 6, 2004)

holy thread resurrection. back when HW rode dirt still


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